A Real Woman (Trigger Warning)

[Tori]

I had a friend recently say to me, "No offense but, be happy you aren't really a woman, these hot flashes are killing me!"

Now, I got her point. It was not exactly disrespectful, perhaps a bit misguided.

Another friend leapt to my defense, "When you start something by telling a person 'No offense is intended', it will tend to be offensive."

Oddly, I was more annoyed by the friend who defended me, in this case. I can defend myself, thank you very much.

People say the darnedest things. Am I a real woman? At this point, I have no friggin clue, but I am leaning towards, "No". Perhaps some day... I mean, I'm FAR removed from the man I once was. I am transitionING, not transitionED and, I don't have the time nor passion enough to police vocabulary day and night. Even if I did, I wouldn't entirely disagree with my friend's assessment although, I have had some hot flashes myself and for similar reasons. Take THAT, "Real" woman.

We all deal with the binary, and yet, some of us bend it into a sculpture all our own.

I respect those who know they are women. Frankly, the way gender works, if you think you are a woman, you are a woman. On the other hand, if someone else thinks you are not a woman, there is no point in arguing because gender works the same way for them. You are not a woman to them so you aren't a woman. That is how gender works. You can have your cake or you can eat it. Not both. Not in this example.

A person is misgendered, when they see themselves as one gender and someone else sees them as another... and yet, the other person is not wrong. They gendered you properly from their perspective.

The recent Rad Fem thread inspired me to make this post but I realized it kinda' needed a disclaimer and strayed a bit from the discussion so I made a new thread. But, wouldn't it blow a TERF's mind if she told me, "You are not a woman. Your (TERFs are often bad at spelling) a man."

And I just said, "You're right, because that is how YOU see me. Ask around, and someone else might see me as a woman. They too, would be right. Why don't you ask me what I think I am? We could all be correct and perhaps have differing opinions at the SAME TIME! Then we could have a tea party... or not."

Sigh... all it takes is two parties to agree, and suddenly I am a real woman. All it takes is someone else and me, gendering female at the same time.

[Auroramarianna]

I don't know what to say, other than I completely agree with you.

However, most TERFs don't really pay attention to what we say, or the arguments we propose, which further proves they (most) are motivated by hate.

[Tori]

Hate is human.

Most of us viewing this forum hate being born male (or female).

TERFs often hate men because men have, or a man has done terrible, in their eyes, and/or unforgivable things to them.

It is unfortunate there is a disconnect in communication between TERF and trans. We are not the same. That is true. But their hatred for men is often WAY more than just being lesbian. Most lesbians like men... just not in THAT way.

[Ms Grace]

I arrived at pretty much the same conclusion about "how people perceive" what gender we are.

[Tori]

Dictionaries are cool.

:p

[Jennygirl]

I dunno what I am, I just know that I am real. And that is all that matters.

If someone in front of me can't understand what that means, then I doubt I will be around them for very long in this lifetime.

And regardless if someone random might think badly of me being a trans person, my life with those I care about is much more important than they will ever know. Luckily haven't had any issues w/ that, though

[Tori]

Me either.

Uncanny.

No?

[suzifrommd]

I think it's a language problem.

We're use to saying "cisgender women" or FAAB. Other people don't have the vocabulary, so they use whatever words come to mind.

I use these occasions to educate people. A lot of people lack the empathy to realize what it feels to be told that we're not a real woman. Sometimes someone needs gently to explain it to them.

[Tori]

I kinda agree.

Vocabulary is a total thing.

Here comes the kinda...

We can use their words too. They can connote the same things.