Self Harm...

[Kira Phoenix]

Ever since I was raped in August 2013...I have been having a problem with self harm. I am a cutter and only started last year in August. Sometimes my feelings get so low I have to cut in order to numb them; or the opposite happens and I become so numb to everything around me I have to cut to get through the numbness and feel alive...I have so many scars...so many...hundreds of scars on my arms, and a few more on both my legs, thighs, and my stomach. I used to have beautiful arms but now...they're all scarred up. I haven't cut in the last 24 days which is really big for me. Only problem is that my urges have gotten much worse now and it's becoming so much harder to resist them. The pain I feel inside is less than 1% of the pain I would feel from cutting. I have posted below an excerpt from my blog which describes what it feels like to cut:

"Why do you cut?" is the question I get asked quite often. It is a hard question to answer...but the best way to describe it would be like this:

Before I cut, I have this pressure building up...like if I didn't release the pressure I would explode. I feel so strained...as if there was too little butter spread over too much bread...like a rubber band at its absolute limit...the anticipation is painful. The waiting turns into a game...how long can I keep going before I give up? How long can I keep going before I finally crack under the pressure? I play with my knife...I look at it...touching the blade encapsulating every texture and detail from it...its metal sheen enticing me with the coolness of its touch. I then put it to my wrist, and take a deep breath because I know what's coming — relief. Without further hesitation I draw the blade down tight against my skin...again...and again...and again...drawing red lines every time. the pain is almost unbearable but it feels so good...it feels good to finally feel alive again...I'm smiling as I feel the euphoria of the endorphins working to dull the pain...both the physical and emotional...I feel alive and I'm more willing to continue on. I watch the blood dripping from my wounds for a while, my worries flowing away. A scarlet river of worry flowing from my veins.

This is what cutting feels like....

I am working with a therapist on this...but I just don't know what to do anymore. People tell me I'm beautiful and yet I can't see it. All I see are the scars and hurt that's covered my entire body.

[Ms Grace]

Hugs.
What would you need to do, or what would you need in your life, to enable you to move through the pain/numbness without hurting yourself?

[mrs izzy]

As a cutter and self harm person i know why you have these feelings.

Also living with someone who has done the same in the past i relate.

Just it never seems to take away the pain totally. Its always there.

PTSD is hard to work through but it is possible.

Me personalty i started to take the hurt and replace it with something more positive in my life.

I did volunteer work at the local salvation army soup kitchen and also a project that helps feed children a extra healthy meal at schools in the area.

I also had my husband to latch on and be held tight when the feelings got to bad.

All this i worked with my therapist to gain the tools.

Is there anyone around you that could be a mentor and offer that extra little moment of safety to keep you from self harm?

And have not posted yet but sorry on your dealing with small minded men and how they take advantage of women.

I had a problem once with someone that was on the same job site, i kinda go into a no way out kinda areas with this pig of a man that been sending sexual remarks my way (as total female though). Lucky one of my personnel was looking for me and came at just the right time. I was shaking all day knowing i would have never been able to fend off his advance much longer.

Hugs my sister and here is always a safe refuge.

[Kira Phoenix]

Hugs.
What would you need to do, or what would you need in your life, to enable you to move through the pain/numbness without hurting yourself?

I don't know...I feel like it's an addiction now. I have actually gotten high off the endorphins and have cut just so I could. That's what scared me about it...that I wouldn't be able to stop and I'd continue to destroy my body. To give you an idea of the level of self-destruction I've had, I'm posting pictures below. I just took these a few seconds ago.



They seem to be healing up well and I'm fighting so hard against the urges I have even now.

[mrs izzy]

I have actually gotten high off the endorphins

Yep and each time it gets more and more but the pain we are fighting also gets more and more.

Hugs, i do not have the magic answer and i wish.

[janetcgtv]

Kira:
Please don't blame yourself for being raped. Rape is a violent crime not a sexual one.
Please immediately see a therapist to help you out with your emotions.

Maybe you are cutting yourself to make yourself unattractive to someone

It's NOT your fault. Women are often have been a victim of a violent beast. Doing nothing but entering  their car or something else. Then blame them self for it

As about your scars I hope that you will find a cosmetic surgeon to help you get rid of them.

Cutting yourself will only make matters worse. SO PLEASE STOP IT.

Love Yourself
Cutting yourself does not help you,

If you believe that a God exists pray so that God can help you get thru this

[Kira Phoenix]

I couldn't fight the urges. I ended up cutting my leg this time. I just got so numb. I don't even remember doing it. I am wondering if my intense numbness is due to the up coming anniversary day of my rape...my friend did this to me on August 17, 2013. It's only next week...I've had so many flashbacks too. More so than usual.

[Bombadil]

You can beat the Self-harm. I know it seems impossible but it's something you can get through. The scars on your body and your mind will heal. I'm struggling a lot tonight too. I'm passing a PTSD date (yesterday). There was a point with the self-harm and sui thoughts were I thought I would die for sure. I'm still here and most days are good days. My self-harm scars have healed and other scars are healing too. You can get through this. I used to cut like you do.

It's ok that you ended up cutting. this is a hard time and recovery is a process not success or failure. Please keep talking here. There is no shame.

I'm babbling right now. You can PM me if you want. I don't necessarily reply quickly but I will always reply. Nothing you say will shock me.

[Kira Phoenix]

Thank you...it's nice to have some support here. I feel so badly I just don't know what to do with myself.

[allisonsteph]

I don't know...I feel like it's an addiction now. I have actually gotten high off the endorphins and have cut just so I could. That's what scared me about it...that I wouldn't be able to stop and I'd continue to destroy my body.

I am fighting the same battle. I recently started cutting again after a long period of abstinence. All of my cutting has been on the same arm, I just don't get the release I need elsewhere on my body. It has gotten so bad that I have no more unmarked flesh on my left arm, and I am cutting over recent scars. I am approaching 90 days clean from a prescription drug and alcohol addiction, but have not been able to go more than four days without cutting. I feel like I am lying when I go into a 12 step meeting and say I have been clean 85 days. While I have no put any chemicals into my body I am giving in to an addiction over and over again. I need to stop. I want to stop. I just don't know how. I'm working with a psychiatrist and a therapist and they are giving me a lot of psychotropic drugs, but nothing has seemed to help yet.

[TheQuestion]

You can beat it; and don't get down about the scars - they should heal up.  If they don't heal fully heal, then you can have them treated with a chemical peel or dermabrasion.  If it helps at all; I think your really pretty...

[Jess42]

Ever since I was raped in August 2013...I have been having a problem with self harm. I am a cutter and only started last year in August. Sometimes my feelings get so low I have to cut in order to numb them; or the opposite happens and I become so numb to everything around me I have to cut to get through the numbness and feel alive...I have so many scars...so many...hundreds of scars on my arms, and a few more on both my legs, thighs, and my stomach. I used to have beautiful arms but now...they're all scarred up. I haven't cut in the last 24 days which is really big for me. Only problem is that my urges have gotten much worse now and it's becoming so much harder to resist them. The pain I feel inside is less than 1% of the pain I would feel from cutting. I have posted below an excerpt from my blog which describes what it feels like to cut:

I am working with a therapist on this...but I just don't know what to do anymore. People tell me I'm beautiful and yet I can't see it. All I see are the scars and hurt that's covered my entire body.

Kira, you are really pretty whether you see it or not. The Blog that you inserted was interesting. You start feeling the pressure and then finally use cutting to release that pressure? I hate what happened to you and know how you feel. I can't cut. I hate seeing blood and one cut and I'd faint. But there are a whole lot of other things that may let you relieve the pressure and produce endorphins in your brain for that euphoric feeling. You and your therapist should be able to figure it out.

The Question is right, you can get rid of the scars. Just be really careful that you don't get an infection until you get it figured out and don't have to cut anymore.