I do discuss self-harm a bit so please don't continue reading if you think it may trigger you, that's the last thing I'd ever want to do. I hope it's okay to discuss some of these things here, I don't know where else to go.
I've been feeling very depressed lately and stopped eating and drinking for about 2 days. I feel so empty all the time and as if there is no hope. I've never felt content with my life, ever. Ever since I was young there's always been problems in my life, whether that's with family, myself or just anything really. It hurts to even be alive and I'm constantly tired. I feel lost and helpless. I've been out of school for almost 2 years, I dropped out because I could not go on any more. I tried, I really did. In the final year of school I completed I had been taking 2-3 days off every week. I was beyond exhausted and my mental health was rapidly deteriorating.
All I basically do now is sit in my room alone, I hardly do anything and have almost no social life... It's so hard to be optimistic when this is all I've really known. I hate this inevitable feeling of suicide. I'm so miserable all the time, I'm so broken and have no direction. Everything I do seems worthless, I feel as though I'll never have a job. Why would anyone want to hire me? I feel so pathetic and like a complete failure. Added with my social anxiety and gender dysphoria, I can't escape this torment. I have no friends really and whenever I do get to hang out with people they seem uninterested and I end up being the 'third-wheel'. I've never met anyone who's like me, I feel so alone and isolated in this world.
I have nothing worth living or dying for. There's only one thing I enjoy and that's playing guitar. I do plan to start a course in music next year but where's that going to get me? Not to mention it's like an hour and a half away and I'd have to take public transport. ;\ I've been in therapy for about 2 and a half years now and I have made a considerable amount of progress I'd say. I won't be able to see my therapist after Feb next year as my time there expires unless I want to go private with her. I feel like once that happens I'll be back to ground zero. There are other places I can go but I don't know how I'd feel about that. I'd like to have a relationship and I know these do come in time and I'm not desperate in any way but I feel unattractive and I've never had anyone show even the slightest interest in me. It's hard enough as is but when you're transgender, lesbian and hardly go out you can't help but feel hopeless.
I hate my body and voice so much, I feel like I can't breathe in my own skin. The thing that probably gets to me the most right now is that bump on my neck, it's so obvious and even the feel of it there disgust me. I don't know how I'd afford any of this, I do have my parents but they don't have much and I live in a big family. I don't expect them to or anything it's just I would not be able to hold a job and probably can't get one for a very long time. My life sucks, I don't see a meaning in it. I know I have to make my own meaning but I can't. Nothing makes me happy. I'm not saying hrt is going to magically change my life around but it would at least give me a reason to stay around. I can't even start hrt just because someone who happened to be one of my parents disagrees with it. But even then I still feel like I'll see that person in the mirror who I've come to hate.
Time seems to go so slowly yet go by so fast. I've missed so many opportunities in life and never took any. It saddens me that after over 17 years of being alive I have experienced almost nothing yet alone anything good. I think about the other people I used to go to school with and how they're in their final year before they move on to whatever it may be and here I am... No friends, no social life, nothing. I'm just stuck here with a year 10 education and everyone else is getting along with their life whether they know what they want to do or not. I miss the times when everything was so innocent and when I wasn't constantly worried and feeling like crap. I have no motivation or cares about anything, I don't even celebrate my own birthday. It just reminds me of how much time has gone past and how lonely I am. I tried home-schooling but I was not in a good mental state for that and gave up after a week.
I hate the fact that I was born like this. I hate the whole male and female concept but none of us would exist without it. I'm not exactly suicidal right now I don't think, I just feel like I'm waiting to die. I'm not sure what to do and don't see a reason in any of this. There are times where I just want to cut myself to feel something different. I was contemplating it for a very intense 20-30 minutes a few weeks ago but only managed to make a small cut before I panicked and got too scared plus I couldn't get the blade out of the razor. I have self-harmed before but not in the form of cutting and it wasn't that extreme. I hurt my wrist the other day after purposely hitting it too hard on the metal frame of my bed and sort of simulated stabbing myself in the neck with a fork. I have held a knife to my neck because of how empty I was but didn't really plan to do anything even though it was a bad idea for me to even be around one. Feeling like this has become so normal for me that I don't even remember what it feels like to be anything other than what I've mentioned. Sometimes I wonder how anyone could not be depressed because of how real this nightmare is to me. I'm pretty much useless, I have no energy to do anything around the house, I can't even cook for myself... I feel disabled even though I'm not.
I try to steer away from negativity or 'complaining' too much but it's what I feel all the time. My mind is full of nothing but negativity and sorrow. I feel void of emotion all the time, everything just feels repetitive and bland. I'm so broken and in despair. I just want to disappear...
