I do discuss self-harm a bit so please don't continue reading if you think it may trigger you, that's the last thing I'd ever want to do. I hope it's okay to discuss some of these things here, I don't know where else to go.

I've been feeling very depressed lately and stopped eating and drinking for about 2 days. I feel so empty all the time and as if there is no hope. I've never felt content with my life, ever. Ever since I was young there's always been problems in my life, whether that's with family, myself or just anything really. It hurts to even be alive and I'm constantly tired. I feel lost and helpless. I've been out of school for almost 2 years, I dropped out because I could not go on any more. I tried, I really did. In the final year of school I completed I had been taking 2-3 days off every week. I was beyond exhausted and my mental health was rapidly deteriorating.

All I basically do now is sit in my room alone, I hardly do anything and have almost no social life... It's so hard to be optimistic when this is all I've really known. I hate this inevitable feeling of suicide. I'm so miserable all the time, I'm so broken and have no direction. Everything I do seems worthless, I feel as though I'll never have a job. Why would anyone want to hire me? I feel so pathetic and like a complete failure. Added with my social anxiety and gender dysphoria, I can't escape this torment. I have no friends really and whenever I do get to hang out with people they seem uninterested and I end up being the 'third-wheel'. I've never met anyone who's like me, I feel so alone and isolated in this world.

I have nothing worth living or dying for. There's only one thing I enjoy and that's playing guitar. I do plan to start a course in music next year but where's that going to get me? Not to mention it's like an hour and a half away and I'd have to take public transport. ;\ I've been in therapy for about 2 and a half years now and I have made a considerable amount of progress I'd say. I won't be able to see my therapist after Feb next year as my time there expires unless I want to go private with her. I feel like once that happens I'll be back to ground zero. There are other places I can go but I don't know how I'd feel about that. I'd like to have a relationship and I know these do come in time and I'm not desperate in any way but I feel unattractive and I've never had anyone show even the slightest interest in me. It's hard enough as is but when you're transgender, lesbian and hardly go out you can't help but feel hopeless.

I hate my body and voice so much, I feel like I can't breathe in my own skin. The thing that probably gets to me the most right now is that bump on my neck, it's so obvious and even the feel of it there disgust me. I don't know how I'd afford any of this, I do have my parents but they don't have much and I live in a big family. I don't expect them to or anything it's just I would not be able to hold a job and probably can't get one for a very long time. My life sucks, I don't see a meaning in it. I know I have to make my own meaning but I can't. Nothing makes me happy. I'm not saying hrt is going to magically change my life around but it would at least give me a reason to stay around. I can't even start hrt just because someone who happened to be one of my parents disagrees with it. But even then I still feel like I'll see that person in the mirror who I've come to hate.

Time seems to go so slowly yet go by so fast. I've missed so many opportunities in life and never took any. It saddens me that after over 17 years of being alive I have experienced almost nothing yet alone anything good. I think about the other people I used to go to school with and how they're in their final year before they move on to whatever it may be and here I am... No friends, no social life, nothing. I'm just stuck here with a year 10 education and everyone else is getting along with their life whether they know what they want to do or not. I miss the times when everything was so innocent and when I wasn't constantly worried and feeling like crap. I have no motivation or cares about anything, I don't even celebrate my own birthday. It just reminds me of how much time has gone past and how lonely I am. I tried home-schooling but I was not in a good mental state for that and gave up after a week.

I hate the fact that I was born like this. I hate the whole male and female concept but none of us would exist without it. I'm not exactly suicidal right now I don't think, I just feel like I'm waiting to die. I'm not sure what to do and don't see a reason in any of this. There are times where I just want to cut myself to feel something different. I was contemplating it for a very intense 20-30 minutes a few weeks ago but only managed to make a small cut before I panicked and got too scared plus I couldn't get the blade out of the razor. I have self-harmed before but not in the form of cutting and it wasn't that extreme. I hurt my wrist the other day after purposely hitting it too hard on the metal frame of my bed and sort of simulated stabbing myself in the neck with a fork. I have held a knife to my neck because of how empty I was but didn't really plan to do anything even though it was a bad idea for me to even be around one. Feeling like this has become so normal for me that I don't even remember what it feels like to be anything other than what I've mentioned. Sometimes I wonder how anyone could not be depressed because of how real this nightmare is to me. I'm pretty much useless, I have no energy to do anything around the house, I can't even cook for myself... I feel disabled even though I'm not.

I try to steer away from negativity or 'complaining' too much but it's what I feel all the time. My mind is full of nothing but negativity and sorrow. I feel void of emotion all the time, everything just feels repetitive and bland. I'm so broken and in despair. I just want to disappear...

So what are your goals in life, try and give these questions a try.

Where do you want to be today?

Where do you want to be tomorrow?

Next week?

Month from now?

6 months?

a year?

Can you answer these questions? Can you think about giving these questions a answer?

Self harm is a physical escape for the emotional pain. Sad part of it never stops the emotional pain.

I totally get where you are coming from <3
The only way that I can get my mind off my body is making myself extraordinarily busy and the fact I have to do that just makes me more miserable.

the problem with being trans is apart from transition, it can be nigh on impossible to get on top of those feelings and control them and yes for me at least when they hit, i can barely get out of bed.

With playing guitar, your wrong about there not being any pathways from a course like that

People think that the money in the music industry comes from the artists, it doesn't, it comes from the songwriters. Whatever you write for, pop, classical, 20th century expressionist There IS money in composing and apart from the piano, the guitar is the next best thing to use

With your social life, i don't know what to say I'm sorry <3
I've never had a problem making friends and tend to talk my head off around anyone I know...
regardless of whether I'm third-wheeling

I guess you just need to try to be fun to be around, and who knows if you act happy and full of life maybe some of it will rub off on how feel inside

Hope You Feel Better XOXOXOX

Quote from: Valleyrie on August 11, 2014, 08:11:07 AM
I hate the fact that I was born like this.

First Valleyrie 

Second, none of us are thrilled we were born this way at all, but the secret is not dwelling on it. I carried the same thoughts you are having for 40 years so I know you can hang on and eventually transition however far you want to. You really need to find something to occupy your mind like a hobby or something. I know what you are thinking reading this reply. Jessica does not get how I feel, right? Well, yes I do. It has not been an easy path for me as I had a lot of problems with transition until I found the absolute perfect team from Therapist. Endo's and even a first rate Pharmacy. Why does it seem so easy for me? Quite simply I stayed active and instead of dwelling how rough I had it I started making plans of where I wanted my life to go post transition and what kind of person I would be. I figured I was going to be reborn in the correct body and I did not want to take the old baggage of my former life into my new one. You are going to have to make the conscious decision to leave your room because that only makes things worse. I started by doing a daily 6 mile walk where I did not allow myself to think of any problems I had at the time. I just walked, looked, smelled and heard what was around me. It really works! The best way to mess up getting on HRT is to let your body get messed up by not eating or drinking healthy. You need to be in fairly good shape because it is hard on your body. Start or join a band somewhere, just get out of your room. I personally feel HRT is not going to solve your problems and may make them worse by giving you more things to worry about. Like my Drill Instructor said "Free your mind and your bootie will follow". If it ever gets too bad to handle there I this thing called a PM and I answer all of mine. 

Hey girls, thanks for the replies. I don't know what my goals are in life tbh, I've never really had any. I guess getting better at my instrument and learning music is one? Being in a band one day? I don't really want to be anywhere I just want to feel content and be happy so I can move on in life and maybe then my goals would become more apparent. I use distraction as a coping method too but it doesn't always work and I just give up at times trying to make myself feel better. I don't really have trouble making friends, I'm a very open and approachable person it's just that I don't relate well to many of the people I meet and I'm probably not the most positive person to be around I suppose. I can talk and make good conversation at times but only when I have that spark with someone.

And @Jessica

Thank you for your words of advice and support, I find it very inspiring how long you and other people can last, it truly amazes me. I will admit I do tend to dwell on things quite a lot and 'punish' myself by making myself feel worse and allowing myself to do so. I do attend groups and stuff but it's not really enough and I skipped out on it last week because I didn't feel safe taking the train. I agree that hrt won't solve anything but I feel it'll help my mental health by a large margin. Thanks for the offer too, I'll definitely take you up on it if I need to.

The reason I've been more depressed than usual is because of an argument I had with one of my parents a week and a half ago and that really set me off and triggered so many bad things for me.

Again, thanks girls, I really appreciate all the support. I'm going to try and get some rest now.

Fair enough,

Those questions where my questions asked to me years ago.

You do need a plan.

Safe journey in your path

Personally I think the most helpful thing you can do for yourself is to get some kind of paying job, part time or whatever. One of my first jobs was a hot dog stand by a university.