(No) Children

[YinYanga]

Yesterday I was talking to my sister-in-law about transgender specific issues regarding getting children. She wants them sooner than later and we chatted a bit back and forth about the issue

I think I have thought my (non) childwish through well but now that Ive dated for the first time in years it does come up in my mind again: "What if??"

My brothers both always had a childwish while I never wanted children so I guess I was always a bit untypical but it did strike a nerve. When I started HRT 4 months ago I did so without 'freezing' sperm, knowing that was not my path in life and that some choices just have to be made.
The idea of 'fathering'  children with my genes just doesnt appeal to me: I dont want to be a dad, either technically, socially or emotionally and we've had plenty of issues related to depression/anxiety in my mom's family. I dont want to carry my personal experiences/sensitivity with that over to a next generation, I'd be terrified I wouldnt be able to provide the safety for a child in an urban setting where its all about harder,faster, better,stronger. It caused me to transition 10 years later than I had planned for example. I know each person is unique but I dont wanna play a betting game

Just some things that crossed my mind/my sis and I talked about:
~I am 4 months into HRT, surely my fertility has been dropping and I would need to have it tested. It would mean Id temporarily have to stop HRT aswell right? I am not going to do that, 3 months without E would mean de-transitioning to me and I am not willing to do that, just for a small chance to have viable sperm
~Adoption seems the 'logical' choice to me but if my (hypothetical) partner wants to get pregnant, this would complicate things for both of us. I cant get pregnant sadly but the idea of not sharing a child kind of bums me a bit at the moment, I didnt expect that Id feel that way. A child is a child and I hope I can feel the same love for any if I ever got hold them in my arms
~I heared transwomen can breastfeed, with a little adjustment. I like that idea a lot

In my hurry to finally get rid of the body I so loathed I might have thrown wisdom out of the window. I feel some regret, as if I threw away an insurance I thought I'd never need. Maybe I dont, maybe I do.

Anyway, these are just thoughts and things going through my head now, they are not practical problems right now but they might become at some point in the future

[luna nyan]

I think your decision would be rather simple.
Do you want to think about storing sperm?  If the answer is yes, get tested ASAP.
If you are lucky, there might be enough left to bank, otherwise, he's, you may have to either stop or reduce your HFT dosages.

As you're only 4 months in, it wouldn't take long to recover.

[Hikari]

I have thought long and hard about this too, and flip-flopped more times than I care to recount.

Where I am right now is the understand that I do want children but, I am certainly infertile, Bicalutamide stopped all production within a month. I couldn't afford to store sperm anyway, and if I had been born properly a woman, I wouldn't be able to produce a biological child of my own with that woman anyway so, it isn't like being trans is making me lose out here, but I can't help the feeling that I am.

There are always other avenues like adoption or getting with a partner who already has children. I know I would make a good mother in either circumstance, but I do wish there were more options to have my own biological children.

There is no wrong choice for you to make here, I will also say that 4 months might be too late, or it might not in either case you would have to move on this quick if you really want to pursue this option.

[YinYanga]

*nods at Hikari* I feel like a flip flopper now, not a comforting idea really

I am really not comfortable with stopping or reducing HRT, it's a compromise I dont want to make. Consulting a spermbank might be an idea but I just googled to get an idea about the pricing and to be fair, I cant afford that atm. The sooner the better but it's not a good time, I had my chance and I wasted it.

It's a worry but not the biggest priority for me, I think Ill just talk to various people about it the coming month and see if its changes my mind a little.

[luna nyan]

So long as you are aware and make an educated decision.  No regrets, no second guessing

[AnonyMs]

I'm not sure its really possible to know for sure if you want children or not. I didn't for much of many years and then I did. Which to say that just because you don't want one now doesn't mean you won't in 5 or 10 years.

[YinYanga]

Something Hikari said did cross my mind:

Lesbians couples can't get biological children together aswell but you can see the love glow in their eyes usually. Why would it be any different for me if I end up in a lasting relationship with a woman?

The worry is that my partner wants me biologically involved while I cant. Even if I could get pregnant myself it wouldnt be possible with current technology

Maybe the breastfeeding and mother role in everyday life would be a healthy compromise

Thanks for the responses, it helps clear my mind a little 

PS: Yes AnonyMs and luna, both valid points

[Ruth Ruthless]

It sounds to me like the reason you're having doubts is fear of not finding a partner who doesn't want children and being "forced" to have children to have a relationship.

I'm not saying that is necessarily the case, but ask yourself this question... do *you* have any doubts that *you* might want to have children of your own genetically some day regardless of potential significant other? Do *you* have any reservations adopting instead?

These in my opinion are critical personal lifestyle changing preferences that you should take great care to decide for yourself, and not for anyone else... because a relationship can end, but you can't stop being a parent. If the state regards you as male, you will probably need to pay to feed the children while forbidden access to your childen on the flimsiest of cases - especially as a trans person, which the state would use as a reason to see you as not fit to raise a child or be involved in raising a child if the issue is brought to court for any reason. If you try to defend your case, they may see some arguments as valid if you're a man, or valid if you're a woman, and if you try to use both types of arguments - they will use that against you and say decide whether you're a man or a woman. There is a trans man who had such transphobic arguments thrown at him for having children and using his womb while on the other hand being male in his ID card. Don't assume everything will be alright and that your potential partner will still be a saint once ->-bleeped-<- hits the fan. I heard too many stories of cis men losing their kids like this, and it's even more common with trans women.

This is NOT something to compromise for anyone else. Be sure whatever you decide that you decide it for *you*, and let whoever is right for you come into your life without compromising yourself. And if you DO decide to have children, be aware of the legal risks and perils and protect yourself, plan in advance... I don't think any trans woman should have children without a lawyer and legal agreements first.

Sorry if this sounds a bit harsh and paranoid or anti-parenting, but having children, especially as a trans person is no simple affair and in my opinion is something one should approach with extreme enthusiasm, determination, caution and planning or not at all... and it doesn't sound to me like you are in that place.

[YinYanga]

Thanks Ruth, the legal part is informative and good to know, Ill keep it in mind

It was really an 'Eeek!" moment 2 weeks ago when I started thinking about it after my date, a confrontation with someone I thought I made a decision on.
And I have: I still dont want to freeze sperms, both because of cost and my issues with genetics and having to be filed 'male' for the procedure

I feel comfortable with either the typical 'lesbian couple' or adoption route like I explained

II know I am not in a place to a have children now, its pretty clear I am not very enthusiastic about it but I do like discussing and exchanging thoughts about things like this in advance .And to be quite fair, a relationship where its all about the trans partner's wishes/fears/ideas is not for me: its give and take. The "Me, me, me" attitude I sometimes see in my support group is not my cup of tea. Anyway thats a different subject
Children are a huge investment and theres a good chance I might not end up with them, nothing's set in stone yet

[Ruth Ruthless]

The children issue is actually not your issue or your partner's issue so much as it is the children's issue.

It's not selfish not to have children if you don't really really really really want them. It's the right thing to do.

But that's my attitude towards the issue of children, and I think it's how everybody should decide the issue since we have no shortage of people on the planet. Quite the opposite. I know most people's attitude is "you'll regret it later".

[Felix]

There are a lot of living human children in every country who would love to have any kind of parent, and I hope that your gender status doesn't weigh you more against adoption than you would be if you were cisgender.

Full disclosure, I have a kid and I've never understood the drive to make a kid with one's own dna. I would have loved my daughter if she'd been a vampire or an iguana or a roomba. A child is a child, and being a parent fulfills the needs of a child, whether that child is genetically a match to the parent or not.

[Ruth Ruthless]

Agree with Felix.

[YinYanga]

Rationally I agree, emotionally its different

and I hope that your gender status doesn't weigh you more against adoption than you would be if you were cisgender.

I didnt really get this part, sorry

[Ruth Ruthless]

I assume the intention is you are less likely to be allowed to adopt based on your gender identity, whether it's cis or not. And this is not an outlandish thing to think, unfortunately.

[YinYanga]

 Im from The Netherlands, same sex adoption is a possibility and recently even got improved for "dual mothers" . I would have to look into the specifics regarding gender-identity.

Ive been pro-adoption all my life for the same reasons as you Ruth
This is just an addition to it
Just going to put this to rest for now because it probably wont be an issue in the foreseeable future

[FalseHybridPrincess]

Well I only know one thing...
It will be hard for me and my future girl to adopt children...

I didnt want to freeze sperm or whatever cause I hate the idea of me being a biological father,,,

tough situation