Needing guidance and advice!!!

[NikkiRadick]

Hello all. I am new here and came to this site with the hopes of sorting out some issues that I have been dealing with for a VERY long time. First I want to give some backstory:

When I was still a yound child I always identified more with girls than I did with boys. My favorite color was hot pink, favorite movie The Little Mermaid, I enjoyed wearing my moms clothes (much to the irritation of my father) and was very feminine. I am a naturally born male and have always publicly identified as such however personally I identify as female. As I got older I realized that because of the equipment I was born with it was not acceptable to be open about such things so I suppresed it as best I could and pretty much went into the closet with my experiences and desires. I turned to video games to live vicariously through the female characters I would play and the anonymity that the internet brings with it and openly identified as female while I did so. Meanwhile I lived a normal male life in public and fell in love with my wife whom I have been married to for 5 years now. I would crossdress and on ocassion and in a private manner still do. I investigated a lot of the herbal rememdies in order to develop breasts but almost all of them failed with no results. (A massive waste of money! )  My wife someday desires to have a child so I cannot become sterile but I am not happy with my sexual identity at all. I feel as though I was born with the wrong parts and wish I could change it yet remain the same to the public somehow. Considering my current positions in life, with my job, and personal life, I absolutely would not be able to undergo SRS without destroying all I have worked for. However I still have the desire to be more feminine and would like to develop breasts. For now all I can do is tuck and give myself the appearance of not having anything but it is no longer enough to make me happy it seems. My wife is very supportive so long as I do not become sterile and waste tons of money on remedies that are innefective. She has always encouraged me to do what I feel most comeforatble with so long as I maintain my public identity for the most part. Breast development in men is not hard to explain, and without undergoing HRT I understand that I would get very little results, which would be fine so long as some results are achieved.   

Is there any advice that anyone can give that may be able to help me? Perhaps sort out my feelings and see if there are other ways of dealing with this situation? My desire to reach out came when I had a discussion with a friend of mine. She is lesbian and has many friends who have undergone SRS and now identify with their proper gender. She encouraged me to persue advice from others in the community that may be able to help.

[Athena]

First of all welcome to Susan's.

As for becoming sterile, you can freeze sperm so that you can donate your dna to the creation of a child even after you have undergone srs. If your wife is supportive then perhaps this might be a route that you can investigate more.

[NikkiRadick]

Unfortunately keeping my original equipment is also a requirement she has. She is supportive of me expressing myself but wants me to keep everything. She feels that we would not be able to have intimacy if I were to lose that part of me. And I can understand it from her point of view. It's a difficult and somewhat depressing situation. I will forever have to maintain that part of me. But my desire to idetify as my proper gender is an emotional battle that I am struggling through.

[EllieM]

The first thing you should consider is some time on the couch with a qualified psychologist who has experience with gender-related issues. If it turns out that you would benefit from HRT, you would still need to have semen stored because after around six months or so of hormone replacement, you would be sterile. You might want to talk to your endocrinologist about the different approaches to the anti-androgen thing. I would inquire about the differences between GnRH agonists and androgen receptor antagonists.

[Deinewelt]

Similar situation here except we've already had the kids, so now I'm ready for an orchi.  Unfortunately, these things take time...

For breast development, there is NO better way than to see a therapist and get OK'd for HRT.  Yes there are tons of gimmicks out there but, do they work?  Are they safe?  Talking to a therapist is also helpful in other ways.

[NikkiRadick]

The first thing you should consider is some time on the couch with a qualified psychologist who has experience with gender-related issues. If it turns out that you would benefit from HRT, you would still need to have semen stored because after around six months or so of hormone replacement, you would be sterile. You might want to talk to your endocrinologist about the different approaches to the anti-androgen thing. I would inquire about the differences between GnRH agonists and androgen receptor antagonists.

I just hope that my insurance covers it ; ;. And the best I can find in my area is a doctor who specializes in "Behavioral Health - Transgender Issues". What I am afraid of is going to one of these people and leaving more confused and conflicted than I already am. It is a good suggestion though. And I will certainly try and schedule an appointment so long as it doesnt break the bank.

The first thing you should consider is some time on the couch with a qualified psychologist who has experience with gender-related issues. If it turns out that you would benefit from HRT, you would still need to have semen stored because after around six months or so of hormone replacement, you would be sterile. You might want to talk to your endocrinologist about the different approaches to the anti-androgen thing. I would inquire about the differences between GnRH agonists and androgen receptor antagonists.

And wow ... I thought HRT was just strait block and replace. Didnt know there were different approaches to it. Thank you!

[Athena]

Also because a mod hasn't posted this yet just want to make sure you check out https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html .

As for therapy it is usually a good start to figure out answers you need.

As for keeping your original equipment there is nothing saying you need to have srs. Many Trans women don't and are quite happy.

[Deinewelt]

^ Yeah I doubt I'll ever do SRS, but I definitely want to get an orchi as soon as possible.  For many, getting SRS is something that they have to do in order to get past the dysphoria.  I myself would absolutely love SRS, but I'm far more dysphoric about things that I can see in the mirror.  For me the equipment is more for my partner than myself.  Because I'm married and in love with my wife, I want to keep what will make her happy.  Of course, in normal life what is in my pants doesn't matter to others in the least.  Once you no longer require fertility, orchi may qualify as keeping original equipment. 

[NikkiRadick]

I see. Wow thanks! It really was helpful to hear this. I will schedule an appointment with the doctor in order to see if I can sort it out. Thank you so much for all of your help and advice!

[NikkiRadick]

^ Yeah I doubt I'll ever do SRS, but I definitely want to get an orchi as soon as possible.  For many, getting SRS is something that they have to do in order to get past the dysphoria.  I myself would absolutely love SRS, but I'm far more dysphoric about things that I can see in the mirror.  For me the equipment is more for my partner than myself.  Because I'm married and in love with my wife, I want to keep what will make her happy.  Of course, in normal life what is in my pants doesn't matter to others in the least.  Once you no longer require fertility, orchi may qualify as keeping original equipment.

This is a great way of looking at it as well! May be a good compromise once the kids are out of the way =).