FTM...I think?

[aaaron]

So I posted a bit about this in the introduction forum but I'll go into a bit more detail. Also I'm sorry if this is in the wrong section!
Before I go any further than considering my gender identity, I've still got a lot of confusion I'd kind of like to clear up. I know no one can really tell me if I'm trans or not and it's something I have to know myself but idk different perspectives would be very helpful, I think.
A couple of weeks ago my friend told me we were going to a bar that has a 'cross-dressing' night. Ever since then it's like every doubt about my gender I've ever had has come rushing back and just the idea of living a night as a guy has been one of the most exciting plans I've had in a while. Since then, I've cut my hair very short, I've worn the most masculine clothes I have when I can and the one day I had to wear exposing (it's pretty hot in England at the moment) feminine clothes outside the house was horrible. I was so aware of my chest and thighs and it felt like people were looking at me like they'd never seen anyone that looked like me before or like they were disgusted (I'm sure they weren't but it really did feel like that). I've felt very uncomfortable presenting as female in the past, especially with my chest which I wanted to get removed before I even knew that dysphoria was a thing, but not to the intensity I have lately.
I've never called myself by female pronouns or liked it when others did, and I've felt like I'm just not able to talk to other people (especially girls) because I feel so alien and different to them, and I really hate hanging out with just girls. I find it so easy to talk to guys and feel like myself around them, but I don't know how much that has to do with gender though? I can't really get across how isolated and rejected when I'm around them, I spent 7 years surrounded by them in an all-girls school and the whole time I was called anti-social and weird because I just didn't know how to interact with anyone.
Over the last few days, maybe a week, I've been silently thinking of myself as a boy. I've felt more confident and even happier, when I'm not thinking about it too much. And I can't imagine myself living as a 'girl' again. I can't imagine wearing a skirt or a dress (they never suited me anyway) or wearing make up, and I know these are all just gender roles stuff but it's all so confusing to me at the moment it's just easiest to simplify it like this. It's like the further I get from being a girl the less I want to go back?
Alright this was a mess haha. I've been thinking about this so much but this is the first time I've ever really told anyone, and I've been wondering about being trans for at least a year. I guess I'd just like to know if anyone can relate to this or if any of this even means anything?

[Edge]

I can relate to that. The same thing happened to me. When I got my first binder, I was just planning on wearing it some of the time. I ended up wearing it almost every day, cutting my hair, and wearing masculine clothes everyday. I tried to spend a day in "girl mode," but ended up feeling extremely uncomfortable. It's like every step I took towards being a guy and being the real me made me extremely happy, but made any steps backward more intolerable. My dysphoria got worse too. It used not to be that bad. At least, I didn't think so. But now that I know what living as myself feels like, there's no way I could go back. I hope I make sense.
I also don't like hanging out with just girls and, although we can relate on a lot of issues, I do feel different from them. I feel like I can connect to guys better. I don't think that's necessarily a gender thing since I've met several guys who can connect better to girls, but personally, I feel I can connect to guys better because I am a guy.

[Hikari]

Reverse the pronouns and it is very similar to a situation I found myself in. I thought, I might be able to placate my feelings of gender dysphoria by just being a bit closer to how I felt inside. The reality was that it was a slippery slope if there ever was one, far from placating my dysphoria I quickly realized that the more I did the more I wanted to do.....

Right now, I am at the stage where I am still part time, but I am dreading going on a flight next week because I know I will have to spend several hours in boy clothes because I have to match my ID......Getting a name change and gender change on my ID is now of the utmost importance to me, when I thought I could string along the part time for another 6 months.....but there is just no way.

I think if anything this sort of thing is a very strong confirmation of gender identity.

[aaaron]

Thanks Edge and Hikari that's really helpful I was worried I was being overdramatic but it really is like somethings shifted and I can't really go back! My binder should arrive this week which will make things a lot better, pretty excited.