Confronting these thoughts...

[confused boy]

Hello! I am from the US, the South gag (bible belt.) umm been lurking here a little while though i have a question that i just really need to ask
as it is impossible to find the type of situation i'm in in a google search lol. I am a heterosexual male 20 who just has to confront some odd feelings
i have..

See i am an artist (autodidact) in training; i spend a ton of time studying and researching things to get better so i can hopefully get jobs. I'm a shut in, and
i never really see people much, other than my parents. I really am into beauty and women and things of the like so much. Some years ago, a MTF had a
conversation when i was a bit more naive to this whole thing; she made some great points about me possibly being a candidate for a similar
journey she had. At the time i was kind of intimidated by her and the points she had so i kinda bolted out in a rude fashion.. I've changed now,
and i've made a few friends in the LGBT community who've been overwhelmingly cooler than my other friends.

Anyways, when i was talking to this MTF i was also quite a shut in, and never see people much, especially women. I love women, like really really
love everything about them. I spend probably 3 hrs a day just looking at pictures of womens faces/bodies/etc. just to make me happy. I don't watch
porn. I've never been in a relationship really, well you know a few kiddy ones you do in high school, no sex or anything. But after a graduated, and
got away from the homophobic classmates i had, my mind slowly started changing...

See the feelings i had looking at women in high school say 9th grade were:

"wow she's so gorgeous i wonder what people would think of me if i dated her."

10th grade:

"Wow i'd screw her brains out."

11th grade:

"She's so gorgeous i want to draw her and write a story about her meeting her true love."

12th

"she takes such good care of her hair, nails, skin. I'd love to be in the same room with her; just to study her beauty..

age 19

"I wish i could make my face softer so i'd look as great as her, she's so wonderful to look at. Such beautiful hips, body, frame, I wish i could
see those things in front of me every day and touch them."

Age 20

"i wonder what my face would look like as a woman, i hope I'd be beautiful and people would feel the same envy i feel when i look at beautiful girls.
Beautiful women are like mystical creatures that I will not be around for a long time; i wish i could be one just to fill the void.."


So i drew my face as a woman and i liked it but I took some big liberties as far as making it "pretty". But i don't know what these feelings are.. are they just loneliness?
am i so lonely that i depend onmyself so much i want to be a woman just to see the female form and touch it? Would it be different if I had a woman in my life
later on and these feelings were just lust? Do i just want to fill the void of being unsuccesful with women by being one myself?

I'm really confused, like when i see a beautiful woman 70% of me likes her in a sexual/reptillian kind of way but another part of me wishes i could
just I don't know, be a woman? simply so i could be and see in the mirror, and touch, a woman. I don't feel like i've been trapped in a man's body
all my life, which is like a cliche i know. Am i just horny or something haha? I've never shared this with anyone, so i hope me sharing
this will help me feel more comfortable, i hope you understand. This is a big step for me confronting these thoughts, and i'd love some opinions from all perspectives!

[mrs izzy]

Welcome to Susan's confused boy

Not everyone here knows there story until they explore there story.
I would suggest a great starting place is finding a gender therapist to help you sort your feelings out.
Maybe this is your path you will walk or maybe not.
You are the only one to know where you fit in the spectrum.

Please read over the following links for the site info...

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Safe passage on your path
Izzy

[confused boy]

thank you very much for your welcoming words mrs. Izzy! Yes i would like to seek someone like that out; i just wished i knew someone personally i could discuss it with in confidence. hopefully i will meet someone like that soon

[mrs izzy]

Look around and also use the search function.

It can help narrow down a post out of thousands.

[Gabrielle_22]

I'm not completely sure how to answer this, but there are a few things you can research. Mrs Izzy, who has far more experience on here than me, is definitely right to suggest finding a gender therapist, someone who can help you figure out what's going on. You should look up genderqueer and non-binary gender identities; I don't know if you would fall on this spectrum, but you might find something there closer to your experience. There is also the highly contentious idea from the 1980s and '90s of " ->-bleeped-<-," a supposed psychological condition in which a male-bodied individual would desire to have a female body for reasons of sexual arousal/pleasure. I don't know how real that condition is (though studies involving it are riddled with problems), and it is a concept that has been used to maliciously and falsely define trans* people for the general public for quite some time, but you should look it up, as well, and talk to your therapist about it.

Best of luck on your journey to figuring things out.

[Jessica Merriman]

If you were in Oklahoma I could direct you to a fantastic team of real gender therapist's who charge next to nothing. They are at Oklahoma State University in Stillwater. If not check out Psychology today online. It has a good locator database for names to check out in your area. If you are in Oklahoma E-mail me at : paramedic822@yahoo.com and it will be kept in confidence.

[confused boy]

@Gabriel: thanks! i looked that up and i am ending up in this maze of wikipedia articles haha; lots of big words, very specific stuff i had no idea how deep this sexuality research gets.

Jessica Merriman: thank you! i wished i was in OK but i'm nowhere near, this gender therapist will have to wait for the time being but i am learning much about what i am experiencing through these terms you all mention!

Susan522 sent me a kind message mentioning Erotic target location error that may be what i have. She mentioned it may not be popular since it is disempowering? I hope I don't come off as being a cliche to that...

After reading i definitely think it is on to something, but more in the vein of transvestic fetishism seems more accurate; Yes, in even some of my dreams, i am a woman, and it really excites me in a sexual reptilian way. the article about erotic target error mentions being aroused by something and then being aroused by being something. I never thought of it that way, you could feel aroused just by being something; I suppose that is why roleplaying in sex is popular.

This is all very interesting and i appreciate all of your quick support; it's really helping me understand alot of these thoughts; i still would like to discuss some of this with a gender therapist because i've felt these feelings for a long time and they are very strong at times.

[Jessica Merriman]

Susan522 sent me a kind message mentioning Erotic target location error that may be what i have. She mentioned it may not be popular since it is disempowering? I hope I don't come off as being a cliche to that...

Please do not make the mistake of self diagnosing yourself. It could really hurt progress with a Therapist if you tunnel in on a diagnosis. Reading it fine, but do not attempt to apply it to your situation. I was a Professional Paramedic and people who read and self diagnose cause a lot of issue's for us because even confronted with trained, knowledgeable help they would fight our efforts to properly diagnose. This led to delayed or even incorrect treatment. Read all you want, just please don't fall into the self diagnosis trap. It is the best advice I can give you. Let the professionals who deal with this everyday listen to your symptoms and feelings and help discover the true diagnosis.