The ravaging effects of testosterone

[Newgirl Dani]

After thinking about this for a bit I figured this to be the best section to post in as the advice I seek will most likely come from early hrt to pre-op.  I just recently wrote a post to "Swallowing my pride...walk of shame", and since then I have been recalling how much my life has been ravaged by testosterone.  No reason to recount any details of past events, but nevertheless I am appalled at how quickly I can go from a mental zero to sixty on the aggression scale.  I think I am beginning to understand why people I would be talking to would take a half step back and their eyes would widen when I was trying to get a point across that I felt strongly about.  Due to needing blood work ups for hrt I found out that even in my 60's my T levels are very high.  Words just cannot convey how grateful I will be when I can put my testosterone to sleep.  I am now at day 50 of a pretty decent dosage level of injectable EV along with Spiro, some physical effects are becoming apparent.  I was beginning to think my mental landscape was going to remain unchanged until just recently (a little less than a week before my next dose) I realized I was becoming more arguable, irritated at minor things, and a sense of an undercurrent of anger.  This is when I fully realized  a change had happened (a slight decrease) but it was just so subtle that when I was in it I could not notice it.  So... after that rather lengthy buildup  here is my question:  is there anyone out there who has suffered from high level aggression/t-level lives?  Does this misery ever go away, at least enough for a somewhat calm life?  Please keep in mind that this is just another aspect of my motivations for transitioning.  Thanks to all, much love  Dani

[Jessica Merriman]

In my personal life I was out of control aggressive and always looking for a fight. I mean look at the pic below. Does this look like what you had in mind before transition? Now look at my avatar. Yes, for me transition changed me completely 180 degrees. In my case the misery and aggression not only went away, but disappeared totally from the planet. I credit my wonderful Therapy team and HRT. Some may argue this, but this is my personal experience.  Those on this site who I have met personally can tell you I am nowhere near the picture of before and act in real life just how I post (positive). My real life support group is in awe of the change.

[Newgirl Dani]

Thanks Jessica, you do wonders for us newbies who need guidance and reassurance, and yeah looks like you've been in a sitcheation or two.

[Petti]

I swear, homegirl, if I ever get SRS I will be so happy. My scrotum feels like an IV bag full of testosterone, releasing it into my bloodstream.

[Rose City Rose]

YES.  I had high T levels (which made fighting them down to a reasonable level challenging).  I was extremely aggressive before HRT, to the point of being labeled "mentally unstable" by a number of people.  I used to hide behind an angry scowl and carried myself aggressively without even thinking about what I was doing. 

A trans female brain on T is like using the wrong kind of oil in your car.  It might work for a while but eventually, it'll start to cause problems.  Your mind becomes unbalanced and you become aggressive, dysphoric, and out of control.

It took a long time, and for a while I had to be on meds to help control it, but after being on HRT for more than a year and a half I'm definitely noticing a difference.  I find myself in situations where I would normally have become defensive, angry, or aggressive and for once I'm handling them more tactfully.  I'm smiling more.  I'm not anxious or paranoid half the time.  It's become a rare thing for me to lose my temper at all whereas it used to be a constant problem.

[LizMarie]

My natural T-levels were on the low end of male T-levels, low enough that if I was not trans seeking to start HRT, my endo said he would have recommended T injections to me.

Here are the average adult t-level ranges. All values are in ng/dL.

Avg. Adult Male: 270-1,070

Avg. Adult Female: 15-70

For men, 400-600 is considered "normal". Values above or below that range are still "male normal" but are likely to cause a doctor to examine them. I was 290 when I began HRT but my t-levels really fought back and yo-yo'ed for 16 months before we finally got them under control. Today my t-levels are below 20, which my endo feels is perfect for his purposes.

As a side note, anthropologists and evolutionary biologists recently discovered that even within homo sapiens, we underwent a transformative event roughly 50,000 years ago. That event was a significant drop in male t-levels. The drop shows by much reduced brow ridges in newer homo sapiens skulls and is credited with reducing social aggression just enough to allow larger social groups to form, bringing about art, more complex language, and significantly more complex tool creation and usage.

So yes, testosterone can cause aggression. Reducing it can reduce aggression (not will, but can since individuals will vary).

[ClaudiaLove]

YES.  I had high T levels (which made fighting them down to a reasonable level challenging).  I was extremely aggressive before HRT, to the point of being labeled "mentally unstable" by a number of people.  I used to hide behind an angry scowl and carried myself aggressively without even thinking about what I was doing. 

A trans female brain on T is like using the wrong kind of oil in your car.  It might work for a while but eventually, it'll start to cause problems.  Your mind becomes unbalanced and you become aggressive, dysphoric, and out of control.

  I had huge testosterone levels pre HRT , too , yet I wasn't that aggressive , very rare and mostly only inside my head . I was never in a fight or something . In my case  I kinda had a fake self consciousness , I was imagining myself like getting in the fight and I was seeing myself able to do it . Yet in real life I was careful and scared , i was feeling the real me  . 
  For me , the high testosterone levels meant only higher libido and male physical appearance .

  Maybe it is because I don't have a female brain  ...  who knows
  After all I had the finger ratio which would correspond to the most masculine man ever .
  Sometimes I feel like why even bother to live and push forward , I am just an error , a human being who feels that is a girl and wants to live like one , yet is not feminine , and never will  .  After all , what's the difference between an unaware behavioral ->-bleeped-<- man and a real trans woman , if not the femininity of the brain , ' being ' a girl , being meant to be one , being the same in the brain wiring with the natural females  . 
  Sorry , I just felt the need to say this , I get triggered anytime I hear about female-trans brains  . 

  Nowadays , when I am depressed and feel like I won't be ever the person I want , I become horrible , I mean I am grumpy and miserable , moody , yet not aggressive  .
  Sometimes , if i feel ' denied ' as a girl and triggered by some traumatic memory ( like an abusive father ) , I am close to give up , trying to 'man up' , and I get a little build up inside , i feel the rush , i get irascible , but I don't think I could do more than a verbal fight .
  When I am in peace with myself , I am the nicest and least aggressive person you'll meet .
   

[Tessa James]

It seems to me that part of the challenge of knowing ourselves is parsing out the endless number of influences that shape our world.  We can't exactly do a double blind study with controls so this is speculative.  That being said as a qualification, I wanted a way to turn off the T as soon as I understood anatomy and physiology enough to know the source.  As a kid I asked my mom if they had sewn my testicles on for some reason.  They seemed so foreign to me. 

I can contrast my life 17 months after HRT as significantly less aggressive and significantly more calm.  I intensely disliked feeling that awful sense of urgency and drive and the frankly manipulative and coercive behaviors I employed to be temporarily sated.  Now romance, intimacy and my emotional world have far greater depth, range and delight. 

I can't blame T for every bit of rage and anger I used to feel but I do know it is much different and better now.  I like feeling a greater emotional range and while crying in public is occasionally distressing it's better than road rage eh?

[Newgirl Dani]

To Petti:  Such a difficult thing expressed in such a sort of funny visual way  thanks.

To Rose City Rose:  The oil analogy fits well as my life just continued to unravel to the point that I was perfectly content being crazy in my own crazy little world.  I hope for the results youve attained. thanks.

To LizMarie:  Yep, my levels were just a couple hundred from the max. you just listed.  A side note, more than once I've been called Neanderthal and have never been social.  thanks.

To Claudia_FF:  I always pushed the limits of people with verbal/physical aggression but rarely did it ever turn into anything and was never really sure why.  Now that I'm older I would probably agree that I was more like you and the aggression was a cover for scared.  Hopefully I will be able to ID what I was/am scared of so that it can be dealt with and be put to rest.  thanks

To Tessa James:  In part I feel some envy about you having the oppurtunity to even ask a personal question, I always felt isolated due to the fact my father figures were off the charts dysfunctional or criminal and didnt stay on the scene much so coversation about personal issues did not exist.  Your dislike for the behaviors you mentioned were a 180 for me as I considered them to be my best assets, so my world never included romance, intimacy or emotion.  I look forward to the experience of crying, it has not happened since I was a child ( I feel it building below the surface)  Thanks

This has been very healing for me, prior to hrt this just would not have been possible because I was always on the ready to patch up the beginnings of a crack in my armor, let alone peer through it.  Thanks again, not just to the ones who responded but to everyone who has posted personal bits of their lives that has allowed me to look at mine.  Dani

[LizMarie]

It wasn't intended as a slight, Dani, and if it came across that way, please accept my apologies. I was mostly simply confirming that there is a relationship between testosterone and potential aggression.

[Jill F]

Last night at a concert I was shoved by a drunken douchebag on his way to the bathroom.  I ended up elbowing him hard in the back as a token of my appreciation. 

Pre-transition, knowing me, I'm pretty sure that guy would have been picking his teeth off the ground and bleeding.  I've punched out my share of dickweeds at concerts before.

Hey, a*hole- you have no idea how lucky you are that I'm trans!

[Newgirl Dani]

LizMarie, not EVEN a problem I did not take it that way, it just helped me recall some 'in jest' comments from women in the past as we were being 'playful'.  You are very sweet though for addressing that so swiftly.  A pretty nice statement as to who you are.   

Jill, hmmmm even though I usually drank alone, I think we could have incited much mayhem together. 

[Tessa James]

Thanks Dani and yes I do feel fortunate to have had a good early start.  None of us picked our parents or the place of our birth, sometimes it's a privilege and sometimes a bad break we overcome.  I also had a very macho father that likely saw the sissy in me very early and was emotionally and physically gone.  I often felt he was a perfect example of just what i didn't want to become;  A testosterone fueled bomb waiting to go off any time.

Crying and tears are a mixed blessing and one reason I don't use mascara   It's funny but situations where I might have previously gone ballistic are now met with a familiar heat that starts in my chest, rises into my face and leaks out in tears.  Very cathartic!

Our socialization is a big part of who we are and I believe that many cis men also want to be free of restrictive gender roles.  I think the trans community is helping to bring some fresh perspectives to what it means to be a man or woman.  We are more than our biology eh?

[katiej]

Last night at a concert I was shoved by a drunken douchebag on his way to the bathroom.  I ended up elbowing him hard in the back as a token of my appreciation.

Well done, Jill.  Well done!