Pastor and transgendered

[Stacy_rawr]

Hi guys,

I'm currently 25, a pastor, transgender mtf, and I've tried to run from my true identity for a long time.  I have not come out to anyone except my girlfriend and one friend.

The expectations that I feel from church, family, friends are extremely high for me, (I am a worship/youth pastor in the same church I was born in) and its gotten almost unbearable for me. 

I have people that would love to help me if they knew but I don't want to be "fixed" and I feel that this will open up a new ministry for me.

Is there anyone out there that is in a similar position? Positions of leadership? How did you come out? Any good resources out there?

Thx in advance.

[ErinWDK]

Stacy,

You are in a predicament, and I feel for you.  I am not in leadership per se in my church, but I do a LOT with the hospitality committee.  Most people know that many of the home baked goods on the refreshment table come from my kitchen.  How they look at me and even at my baked goods (hey good is good!) would take a nose dive if I came out female.  I am not sure it would even be possible to use a rest room there if I presented female.

This is a variation of a Baptist church.  They have a policy about homosexuality and NO understanding of trans*, so trans* is counted as the same as homosexuality.  Under that nobody on the pastoral staff would be allowed ot be trans* - just admitting it to the wrong people would get one terminated.  I do note this is based on rather gross misunderstanding, but so far there is no willingness to try to understand.  I, also, am trying to figure out how to open some sort of ministry in this church to trans* and am so far totally unsure of how to proceed.  Given the size of the church - if averages apply - there would be a number of people with trans* issues that the church so far is not helping in any manner.

People that want to "fix" you are not actually trying to help.  All they want is for you to utterly stifle any trans* issues and fit into their "normal" box.  They have no concept their "help" will lead you to a terribly dark place.

What sort of church are you pastor of?  Some denominations are a good bit more open to trans* than mine.  You post makes it sound like you are going to try to transition in place.  That is hard as everybody knows the old you.  I have heard one story of a succesful transition in place in a church.  She was able to keep her position as Sunday School teacher after transition.  The fact she was able to keep her relationship with her wife helped.  Even at that she had to hire a consultant to help deal with all the issues of coming out to the church - and this was a church that was more open to trans* than mine by a long sea mile.

I am curious to see what sort of answers you get - as some may help me as well.

Be cautious as you move along the path to transition.


Erin

[Stacy_rawr]

Thanks for the response. It's good to know that there are other people out there in similar situations as me.

I pastor in a small Pentecostal church that belongs to the Assemblies of God.  They do not tolerate homosexuality or transgendered.  They also do not allow them to pastor in any churches.  So I would not be able to transition in my current position.  But I would probably leave the church anyway when I transition.  Most older people in the church have know me my whole life but I'm sure never would suspect my problem. 

Though, I actually have had many people, and young kids, tell me that they thought I was a woman when they first saw me (I have long blonde hair and have pretty feminine features) So that always makes me feel good.

[ErinWDK]

Stacy,

It is good that you have no illusions about being able to transition in place.  I was part of an Assemblies of God Church for a long time.  The Senior Pastor was open to a lot more of reality than the denomination as a whole; but even at that, trans* would be too far away from the teachings of the church.

One little note.  As you keep on posting here you will get to fifteen posts and be able to post an Avatar.  I recommend caution in selection of your avatar to avoid leaving anything on the Internet that would let people identify you.  You want to be able to control when you come out and someone finding a picture of you on this site would give them the opportunity to out you before you are ready.

Be Careful!


Erin

[Stacy_rawr]

Oh, thanks for the tip! I actually had a nightmare last night where I accidentally outed myself on Facebook. And I felt like my life was over. So....wouldn't want to do that.

[jojoglowe]

...I feel that this will open up a new ministry for me...

Perhaps you should start your own church/ministry! My uncle was a pastor and ultimately started his own church.

I was raised catholic, and even though they thought they were liberal, some of my family members were quite conservative in regard to LGBT. I have noticed a change in those individuals since my coming out. It seems as though my opening up made it easier for them to open up and share their issues.

Too often being trans* is seen as a curse or disease. Even trans* people fall into this trap. It is a blessing that we must share with others. (Of course, there are wicked zealots that we should be wary of.) But to end on a positive note, I had so much anxiety from worrying about my parents, friends, etc. Now that I'm 100% out, I feel free and have had nothing but positive response.

I'm not in a administrative leadership role, but I'm a very public figure in a rough neighborhood (I work and live there). I work for a non-profit urban farm and interact with many neighbors, so in that sense, I am a sort of leader.

I'll keep you in my prayers, and hope that when you need it most, you will find the strength to accept the things you cannot change, the courage to change the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

[Stacy_rawr]

Wow, that actually kinda feels like confirmation on what I've been feeling for awhile. Especially in my small town, we lack resources/churches for the entire lgbt community. It is definitely a needed ministry. That actually makes me feel awesome! Thx!

[Eva Marie]

Stacy-

I look at this as Gods way of opening a door for you to pastor a church that is accepting of all people. By having these churches in the community they help educate people about what God really stands for. He doesn't hate us, heck he created us!

I attend such a church in California and all are welcome. We need more of them like this in the world.

I wish you the best as you figure this out.

~Eva

[LizMarie]

Stacy, have you heard the story of Haley Reyenga? Her spouse documented their entire process here, in the blog called Permission to Live.

My advice is to take an afternoon or evening and sit down to read that blog from front to back.

Hayley was assigned male at birth and grew up in a very fundamentalist home. Married to Melissa at a young age and dedicating themselves to serving the Lord and the church, seminary was an obvious path. But things didn't work out as either one expected. That blog is not just them dealing with Haley's transition either. It's the both of them throwing off narrow rigid definitions of who deity made them to be.

There is a particular series on that blog called "Peeling the Onion" that discusses Hayley's coming out and beginnings of transition.

They were both persecuted and had to leave the ministry for Haley daring to be who she is and Melissa continuing to love her even today.

It's an inspiring story and I am friends with both on Facebook. Their lives are very different today, largely because their congregations refused to accept them.

Reading their story may give you insights but I would warn you that if you are from an evangelical or fundamentalist background, the odds that you can successfully transition in your current ministry are low.

[Declan.]

Thanks for the response. It's good to know that there are other people out there in similar situations as me.

I pastor in a small Pentecostal church that belongs to the Assemblies of God.  They do not tolerate homosexuality or transgendered.  They also do not allow them to pastor in any churches.  So I would not be able to transition in my current position.  But I would probably leave the church anyway when I transition.  Most older people in the church have know me my whole life but I'm sure never would suspect my problem. 

Though, I actually have had many people, and young kids, tell me that they thought I was a woman when they first saw me (I have long blonde hair and have pretty feminine features) So that always makes me feel good.

I would personally advise against coming out in that type of church. There are too many people in that denomination who are convinced transgender and gay people are pedophiles and/or influenced by demons. At the very least, I would leave the youth ministry. I was a youth pastor's assistant prior to coming out publicly and quit long before that, and that was in a somewhat liberal church.

[awilliams1701]

I live in Alabama and there is a very pro LGBT church here with a gay pastor. He is personally responsible for 90% of everything pro LGBT in the Huntsville area. After his church became pro LGBT, they built a LGBT center of some sort. Maybe you could over time do something like that with your church. I've heard that I'm lucky to be here in Huntsville as its one of the top 10 best cities for any LGBT person to be in. I believe this guy is responsible. I was very shocked when I learned this as I thought Alabama would be the worst place to be.

[awilliams1701]

Oh and while I don't claim to be an expert on the bible, I really don't think transgender is in it at all. The closest I could find was references to the fact that God doesn't care about Gender. This would also imply that God doesn't care about Orientation either.

[Mark3]

There are actually quite a few trans Pastors in churches out there, and are usually welcomed as is by the GLBT affirming churches, which are growing every day.. 
My friend Kathy has amazing resources you might find helpful.. I hope it is okay to post the link..? https://www.facebook.com/CanyonwalkerConnections

Good luck & God bless

[Stacy_rawr]

Stacy, have you heard the story of Haley Reyenga? Her spouse documented their entire process here, in the blog called Permission to Live.

My advice is to take an afternoon or evening and sit down to read that blog from front to back.

Hayley was assigned male at birth and grew up in a very fundamentalist home. Married to Melissa at a young age and dedicating themselves to serving the Lord and the church, seminary was an obvious path. But things didn't work out as either one expected. That blog is not just them dealing with Haley's transition either. It's the both of them throwing off narrow rigid definitions of who deity made them to be.

There is a particular series on that blog called "Peeling the Onion" that discusses Hayley's coming out and beginnings of transition.

They were both persecuted and had to leave the ministry for Haley daring to be who she is and Melissa continuing to love her even today.

It's an inspiring story and I am friends with both on Facebook. Their lives are very different today, largely because their congregations refused to accept them.

Reading their story may give you insights but I would warn you that if you are from an evangelical or fundamentalist background, the odds that you can successfully transition in your current ministry are low.

I have not heard of Haley but I'm excited to find out her story. Thank you so much for this.  I am actually really considering starting this ministry in my town.

[Stacy_rawr]

I would personally advise against coming out in that type of church. There are too many people in that denomination who are convinced transgender and gay people are pedophiles and/or influenced by demons. At the very least, I would leave the youth ministry. I was a youth pastor's assistant prior to coming out publicly and quit long before that, and that was in a somewhat liberal church.

It is a very small church, EXTREMELY nice and welcoming to MOST people, but unfortunately gay/transgender is too much of a "stretch" for most of them.  I know if I left right now, I'd have many people that would follow me.  The sad part is that many of my family and close friends are in this church because I grew up in this church too.  It makes me very fearful of breaking all these relationships.

[Stacy_rawr]

Oh and while I don't claim to be an expert on the bible, I really don't think transgender is in it at all. The closest I could find was references to the fact that God doesn't care about Gender. This would also imply that God doesn't care about Orientation either.

I've actually been reading this person's site http://www.transchristians.org/

A lot of this I havent heard before but it really makes sense

[Stacy_rawr]

I'm glad I posted on here. You guys are tremendously supportive!

I love you all.