Male partners of female friends...

[Ms Grace]

This came up in another thread, and rather than hijack it I thought maybe it would be best to start another topic instead...

When I was a guy I had a lot of female friends, I was never hitting on them I just enjoyed their company and that was that. What could complicate things though was their male partners. I often started to feel quite uncomfortable about spending too much time with those women lest their partner start to wonder "what the #%&@ is going on there?". I knew a lovely woman years ago and I got along well enough with her partner but I didn't really see him socially. I'd meet up with her for coffee or lunch every now and then and it was always great. She was fun, witty, intelligent and absolutely beautiful, but I utterly respected she was in a relationship and was very happy to keep it platonic. I don't know if she felt the same way, she never hit on me so I presume so. I just really loved her and her company.

One night I went over to her place and she made dinner and then we went out to see a play she had tickets for. Either her partner was working that night (he was a musician) or wasn't interested but he never came along, I did see him briefly before he left. I enjoyed the night, we both had a good time...but that was the last I ever saw of her. It was in the time before ubiquitous emails, social media, mobile/cell phones and texting so it was a lot harder to stay in touch and I didn't live in her neighbourhood. I tried calling her a few times, left messages on her answering machine which she never returned. She never called me. And then life just moved on. Hard to know what happened there but I can't help but presume the partner put his foot down or had some part in it.

And I can't help but think that had I been presenting as a woman then it probably wouldn't have mattered and she and I might still be friends. Sigh...

[Jess42]

Yeah, looking like just another man and women friends that have partners is kind of a sticky situation. One that could get pretty dangerous. that is the worst thing about trying to be a guy but mentally a woman. You either have to come across gay or the other potion would be to come across as gay.

Another problem that I ran into was women that I thought were friends, a lot wanted to be more than just. WTF? I am way more feminine than masculine, can talk about things on their level, have gynecomastia and liked doing a lot of the same things they did the list goes on. I never was a he man by a long shot but for some reason a lot of them found me attractive. Are there really that many closeted lesbians? Or do they just like long haired skinny guys, or I used to be anyway, that likes cooking with skin just as smooth and hairless as their and more girly than they are?

But yeah, most certainly it could turn into a dangerous situation fast if their partners feel you are a threat.

[suzifrommd]

And I can't help but think that had I been presenting as a woman then it probably wouldn't have mattered and she and I might still be friends. Sigh...

This is one of the really powerful motivators for my transition. I was really tired of meeting women and wanting a friendship with them but have them keep my distance because of the awkwardness you talk about.

[Hello Noelle!]

Ugh thats terrible.. But can't say I blame anyone for being extra wary.

I'm really, really.... really tall, and I found that I could rarely strike up a friendly, non flirty conversation with a woman without either her feeling threatened, or especially their cismale so's.. Those guys didn't like me not one bit. Many many stinkeyes and even an armbar.

I'm not sure I'll be more or less threatening to to anyone presenting as a 6'9" woman (And my intuition says more), but I know I'll have everyone's attention either way lol! Might as well own it 

[Jess42]

What is really F'ed up is that a really food friend that I grew up with that was a guy, his wife was jealous and we couldn't even hang out without her accusing him of being gay or bi. I mean since elementary school I knew this guy and not one bit of attraction toward him or him me. I have no clue why or how she thought this way. Its really confusing if I actually come off as not normal or gay which I don't really think so. Things like that is what messes me up.

[Nala]

I can completely understand where you're coming from. My friendship with one of my best friends was put under a lot of strain four years ago by her boyfriend getting super jealous of us spending time together, and it made things really awkward between us for three or four months (especially when we found out that lots of our mutual friends assumed she was cheating on him with me too... *rolls eyes*). I came out as trans not long after that, and she broke up with him maybe six months after I came out, so eventually we were able to repair our friendship, and now we're closer than ever. ^^ But it was pretty stressful at the time for both of us.

Actually, like suzifrommd above, this was one of the major motivations in my transition. That feeling of being perceived on some level as a "threat" when I was friendly with women, whether by significant others or by women themselves, was one of the most dysphoria-inducing things for me about being physically male. Pretty much all of my friends growing up had been female, and I was basically just treated as one of the girls. And it had been so much fun that all that I really wanted was for that to continue. Post puberty, though, I found my motives in wanting to be friends with women were frequently questioned (because heaven forbid a male bodied person should be genuinely interested in befriending women, right?), and it upset me so much that I actually actively avoided making female friends for many years. So being able to freely enjoy having female friends as a woman myself has been unquestionably the part of transition that has made me happiest.

[rosinstraya]

Ah,Grace,,that's just one of those sad sad tales - why can't these people see how lovely and  charming we are. Truth is we trans are fantastic people with so much to offer - it just isn't that easy!

I think we present better as female and we're just a bit more honest perhaps.

Hope it gets better than this soon!  ( I hope that isn't so horribly condescending!)

[Auroramarianna]

When I was a child, all my friends were girls. Now I barely have any friends - two girls and one boy. Most girls really don't want anything to do with me and I'm not really a threat, I'm not even interested in girls, so it sucks.

[Jess42]

When I was a child, all my friends were girls. Now I barely have any friends - two girls and one boy. Most girls really don't want anything to do with me and I'm not really a threat, I'm not even interested in girls, so it sucks.

Yeah it does. I'll be your friend. "It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood". Sorry, just couldn't help that. You have some friends here huh? It's really just a matter of how close you are and if they aren't trolls and so on to be face to face friends with them.

[Auroramarianna]

Yeah it does. I'll be your friend. "It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood". Sorry, just couldn't help that. You have some friends here huh? It's really just a matter of how close you are and if they aren't trolls and so on to be face to face friends with them.

I don't wanna seem harsh, but it's not the same thing But yea, people here on Susan's are wonderful

I just feel so alone sometimes. I guess this will change with time.

[Ms Grace]

If I'm being brutally honest with myself, yes, this has been a driving factor behind wanting to transition. The closeness that I feel with women has always been handicapped by my born gender. To be a friend, who can never be on the same level of friend as women have with other women has been painful and devastating. To be the only guy in a group of women and at a certain level "not be one of them" has made me felt like a gender pariah. Grief and jealousy from male partners is just another angle of that.

[Stochastic]

There are problems with being both male and married. Making friends with females is especially difficult. First, I have to send a clear message that I love my wife very much and am not trying to start some fling. Much easier for me to approach women when I was single. Now it is uncomfortable. Once I get past that and start a friendship, I would have to address an inquisitive male partner.

I could never get past the first step. Because of my work, I am very close to my female coworkers and colleagues outside of the office. We talk about children, gardening, clothes, etc. However, the friendship never carries on outside of work or after a person leaves her position. That is why I am so fortunate to have a wife that is working toward acceptance. We go out shopping or for dinner as true girlfriends. She is my love and my best friend, and being with her makes up for the absence of other female friends.

[mac1]

............................
I could never get past the first step. Because of my work, I am very close to my female coworkers and colleagues outside of the office. We talk about children, gardening, clothes, etc. However, the friendship never carries on outside of work or after a person leaves her position. That is why I am so fortunate to have a wife that is working toward acceptance. We go out shopping or for dinner as true girlfriends. She is my love and my best friend, and being with her makes up for the absence of other female friends.

You are very fortunate that you can go out as girl friends with your loving wife. I would like it if my wife could be like that. How were you able to acomplish that.

[Stochastic]

You are very fortunate that you can go out as girl friends with your loving wife. I would like it if my wife could be like that. How were you able to acomplish that.

I do not know what allowed for this to happen. Giving her space when needed. Meeting together with a therapist. Engaging in female activities such as shopping in guy mode then taking incremental steps from there. It may have nothing to do with my approach, and everything to do with her openness.

It is far from perfect. We are very intimate when I am in guy mode even after HRT changes have occurred. However, we are just friends when in female mode. I am slowing my transition in the hopes that my wife can adjust over time. I sometimes have doubts that we can maintain the same level of intimacy, but I am sure we will remain together. Because of the closeness in our relationship, it is worth it for me to be patient as difficult as that can be.

[Eva Marie]

This can happen as a trans woman too especially if the male spouse/parter knows that you are trans. I have a very close female friend from church and from what I hear tongues were wagging and the partner was jealous of my relationship with this lady because we sat next to each other in church and we ran around together a lot. She is just a very close friend to me and is like the big sister I never had - I have no intention whatsoever of starting anything romantic and she doesn't either. Yet I still find myself in these shoes. Sheesh!

[Juliett]

When i was 19, i actually had the husband of a friend confront me and threaten to kick my ass if he ever found out that i was fooling around with her.

I imagine that if i had ever been the least bit masculine, he would have attacked me right then.

[Dee]

If I'm being brutally honest with myself, yes, this has been a driving factor behind wanting to transition. The closeness that I feel with women has always been handicapped by my born gender. To be a friend, who can never be on the same level of friend as women have with other women has been painful and devastating. To be the only guy in a group of women and at a certain level "not be one of them" has made me felt like a gender pariah. Grief and jealousy from male partners is just another angle of that.

Well, I nearly wrote a memoir on the topic just now, haha. But to keep it short, I always had strong relationships with girls through high school, but as time went on after graduating, platonic relationships with women became more difficult, and the boys' club built an awful facade around my personality.

Lately, however, I've had kinda the opposite situation. A good, male friend of mine became engaged to his girlfriend (now wife) a couple months before I came out. I got along with her well before and after coming out to them, and she had actually taught me all I now know about makeup. But as time went on, I saw them less, and whenever we did meet up, it would feel like she was intercepting all conversation between us. Mind you, I've only ever had a platonic relationship with that friend, and respect theirs. So, it was a bit crushing once I realized it became unacceptable for us to spend time together.

I still don't believe it's anything personal; she's been nothing but sweet to me, and the couple times we've been in a large group, she's taken the time to catch up one-on-one. It's simply being on the other side of the gender line.

Just one of those transition moments that you sometimes don't totally see coming.