Odd (possible trigger)

[Athena]

Hmm last night after looking up the Sherbourne medical center requirements for starting hrt which looks to be standard in Ontario I got really depressed.
I don't feel that I am in the wrong body, I want to change my body. I consider myself male who would be happier as a female. From what I can tell that means that the gatekeepers are going to turn me down for hrt because I am not Trans enough or I don't meet their requirements for being Trans.
What surprised me was how badly it affected me. I knew that my Trans issues make my depression more complicated but I didn't think that it would affect me this bad. Last night it was fortunate or not that I didn't have a hand gun, I might not be writing this if I did.

Today I started off depressed as usual but I went and got a coffee and a customer service representative who I thought was going to be male turned out to be female and changed my day around. After talking with the cus/rep I realized that I was in a good mood. So much so that I figured I would risk posting on Susan's more then I have recently done.
I am not sure why my mood changed so quickly.

Sorry for the self pitying rant.

[Dee Marshall]

I think your response to thinking you might not be trans enough proves that you're trans enough. Suicidal ideation at the thought you might not be allowed to transition tells me you NEED to transition.

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi White Rabbit,

Just be careful of what urban myths you take on. This myth of "Born in the Wrong Body" is the greatest load of crap I've ever heard. If there was any substance to it, then whose body were you expecting to be born in?

How you feel right now is the correct. You just want your body changed to mirror your perception of who you are. Nothing more, nothing less. That in itself, based on GID formulation is sufficient grounds for treatment.

Take control and move forward.

Huggs
Catherine

[mrs izzy]

Not sure what you read but the truths there are different spectrum's of GD.

The way the SOC works is you start out in stages and only work the stages till you loose the dysphoria or inner anxiety.

Its not you must be here or you fail.

But you need to be honest and work with a therapist to find that place. It might be all the way to the end or it just might be therapy or hrt.

Contrary to many who post, hrt is not the magic garden to everyone, but it has helped many with there GD and have stopped there.

You are the only one who controls what treatment that makes you happy. They are there to help you find that place.

[Athena]

Well to be honest logically the chances of me getting out of my current position to a point where I can even begin to look at transitioning is very slim. I do have hopes, I do have an iron in the fire (hopefully in the next 90 days or so I will know if it will go boom or bust). When I have hope I can somehow manage to find the strength to carry on. What happened last night turned hopes of being able to eventually transition to basically nil.

Another issue is the gate keeping in general. I do not find it easy to trust mental health professionals. I know I need therapy for other issues and also to help understand myself better but with gate keeping then it's a them vrs me attitude. Instead of being a friend who can help me with issues they are an adversary making me jump through hoops to get to where I want to go.

Also when it comes to hrt, I know there is a possibility that it might not be for me. I strongly suspect that hrt would be helpful for me but until I start, I will never know for sure. I am of the opinion that you only go maybe a couple of steps at a time and until that isn't enough then take another step or 2.

[Jess42]

I think your response to thinking you might not be trans enough proves that you're trans enough. Suicidal ideation at the thought you might not be allowed to transition tells me you NEED to transition.

I definitely agree with Dee. Cis just don't question their born gender. So what you can be a female but a masculine female. But try low doses first to see if that does you any good or at least feel more comfortable.

But you can always feminize your body without HRT if you just want to feel al little female but stay male. Growing you hair long, body hair removal, pierced ears and wearing panties are all thing you can do and still remain male but feel more feminine. Where female watches and other jewelry. As a matter of fact a male watch looks funny on me and if I wear one I have to go the female route, because male watches are just way too big for my wrists. Rings to, if I am trying to be male, I don't wear any rings because male sizes are way to big and female rings unless I am dressed as such are sort of on the larger female size but still in the natural female sizes. I even got made fun of in high school for my class ring because the normal male sizes were way too big and I had to get the tape to wrap around it and actually made me look like I was wearing a boyfriend's ring. Secretly it made me feel really good, but I never wore it after putting all the money out on it.

[mrs izzy]

I am confused. Why are they gate keepers?

The program is set up to help those with GD get the help the need with out falling in a possible private gate keeper type of therapist.

You have to be in the system to know if they are gate keeping.

I think you are holding a non valid fear.

I know many who have went through government systems.

Anyway you need to do what you feel is right.

[Athena]

They refer to themselves as gate keepers. Plus you have to go through multiple sessions with them before they will ok you.

By the way I know I do need therapy, I do want to work with a therapist if/when I am able to start transitioning. I am unable/unwilling to trust the mental health professionals in my current city, I didn't become suicidal until after being put on anti depressants. I have had suicidal thoughts often since then and I stopped the anti depressants after 2 years or so. (under doctors orders)

[EllieM]

WR, first thing... the Sherbourne document is to provide MDs (not psychologists) with some frame of reference for treating trans* patients. The intended audience is not necessarily equipped to make a conclusive diagnosis of GID (or gender dysphoria, if you prefer), hence this document. As Isabell has stated, we are dealing with a fairly wide spectrum here. These guidelines are not as subtle as they ought to be, but then those applying them are not trained to function professionally with these subtleties.

If you want a more comprehensive examination of your apparent dysphoria, you need to see a psychologist who has experience dealing with this state of being. I used
https://opa.knowledge4you.ca/referralsvcs.aspx
to find mine, a psychologist who has helped me so much, helped me to sort a lot of things out and who was ready to send "the letter" after she had established that I am, in fact, trans. Didn't take long, really. In the search tool, I specified the "Location" and the "Problem Area" (Gender Identity Issues), leaving the other options unchanged, and the Ontario Psychological Association provided me with a solid contact.

From what you have written here, I think you are trans and you should move forward with this soon. It may be that your depression stems largely from your trans issue. Most of the darkness that coloured my life lifted after I started HRT. I am in a much better place for it. Let's just say, the need to plan my funeral is a lot less urgent these days

I hope this helps, WR. Oh by the way, this is the place to rant. We (that, by the way, includes you) are here to listen and reflect. So. Rant on, my dear, we are here for you.

(((hugs)))
-Princess Ellie of Middlesex

[Athena]

Thanks all for your replies and yes Ellie I think I am going to bookmark that website. Though in the situation that I am in transitioning is just a fantasy but there is hope.

[Ms Grace]

There is always hope! Don't write the system off before you have tried it, that is self sabotage in which you are gate keeping yourself instead. I agree with Dee and the others, the despair you felt at thinking you might be unable to transition is a pretty clear indication that you do need to at least investigate the possibilities.