Misgendering at work after a year

[Jane's Sweet Refrain]

As I professor, I don't teach at my university in the summer. I just returned to work two days ago after the break (I was full-time)  and have been misgendered three times with the wrong pronouns. Two people didn't even catch it. Misgendering NEVER has happened among people who did not know me before my transition. I pass fully, but I have a history of having worked as a male. Even if I didn't pass, it would still feel wrong.


I've been wondering if I should formulate a response at some point. I really experience it as a kind of trauma. Or do I suffer silently under their carelessness (I don't think it's deliberate)?

I just went through a summer where I associated with a lot of people who don't know my past. It was glorious. 
I just want to leave.   

[Isabelle]

Go to a different school. It's the only way.

[Misato]

I understand the trauma. Misgenderings hurt and then outright haunt me. Brings to mind I also had someone misgender me then say, "I'm sorry Paige, when I see you I see a man" back in the spring. I was also over a year FT at the time and oh, that hurt.

Still, I give a gentle "she" reminder when this happens. If you have to switch jobs that's understandable. I'm a little worried cause I had a nasty job hunt (got job with insurance that didn't cover any of my needs as a transwoman. Worked with a boss who pressed me to operate with male behaviors which helped pissed me off and got me fired because I didn't go to HR). Anyway, I will be hoping you find someplace that makes you as happy as work can make a person.

[Jane's Sweet Refrain]

I understand the trauma. Misgenderings hurt and then outright haunt me. Brings to mind I also had someone misgender me then say, "I'm sorry Paige, when I see you I see a man" back in the spring. I was also over a year FT at the time and oh, that hurt.

Oh, my, Paige. That's a horrible thing for someone to say to you. And I hope that you don't feel that it has anyting to do with your womanhood. You're beautiful. My brother said the same thing to me. I responded that "you're apparently the only one who does."

The gentle "she" is a good strategy.

I'm a professor who has already changed jobs once. I can't imagine getting a job anywhere else. I'm just gonna have to suck it up and cry about it in the bathroom. 

[Taka]

excuse me, but you do not refer to a lady as though she were a man.
there is no need to be gentle about correcting people. we got this thing called "manners", not using them would be rude and offensive.
it's one thing if family refuse to get your name and pronouns right, but in a professional environment, that just gets ridiculous.
aren't your colleagues educated people? give them a lecture on proper use of pronouns, and definitions of transsexualism and gender if that is required as well. unless that would lose you your job.

if correcting people doesn't help, you could try actively ignoring every single thing said to or about a man who has nothing to do with you. or even telling them that you don't know that man. intelligent people would correct themselves pretty quick.

(currently in a rabid feminist kind of mood)

[suzifrommd]

I divide misgendering into two categories:

1. Accidental
2. Deliberate

When someone misgenders me, I make a determination in my head: Is it accidental or deliberate.

If it's accidental, I remind them that I'm female in a low key way "Please call me ma'am", or "Please use 'she'" or something like that. If they get defensive I assure them I know they didn't do it on purpose, but I repeat my request.

If it's deliberate, then that's a microagression. First time someone does it, I correct them assertively, as I would if it were accidental, but if it persists, I treat it as I would any other mean-spirited insult.

[Cindy]

As another Prof: It occasionally happens to me by a few men who have known me for a long time. "He will do this" type of comment. The last time I just replied "He is dead and if you refer to me as a 'he' I will report you for anti-discrimination training."

Never give in. It is important we keep standing up for our rights and those of others. I may be known as the transgender prof but I shall be respected for it.

[Just Shelly]

I am so sorry to hear this I know all too well how you feel! Though I am not mis-genedered anywhere but at home or with my mother and sister....it still sucks!!!!

This is one reason I am stealth!! I completely understand how hard it is for people to use the correct pronoun.....and it has nothing to do with how you present. Its ingrained in people that knew you well, or even for a little while. Most don't even realize there doing it, and if your like me you don't want to correct them every single time. I corrected my children every so often, but you would of thought it was constantly....if they only knew!! 

Because you may be unsure if it is done purposely I think that minute you hear he or him, you need to say ahhhh its her or she. If its done in a way that isn't defensive then there should be no reason for them to be offended.

I hope people will adjust quicker than normal, but it could take some time, and it doesn't necessarily mean there not trying! Please take care and try not to over think it too much I find this much easier to tell you but would also have a hard time not being over sensitive to it.

[Susan522]

I agree that being overly sensitive about being mis-gendered is not helpful.  I also think that the reasons for the mis-gendering are important and should not be ignored.  If it is intentional with malice then that should be addressed directly and without hesitation.  OTOH accidents do happen.

It is these accidental occurrences that need to be addressed more carefully.  What exactly is causing them?  Is it some behavioral cues on your part, or is it just carelessness or habit.  One would think that after a year, those habitual behaviors should have been changed, so I would look for alternative causes.

[Just Shelly]

I agree that being overly sensitive about being mis-gendered is not helpful.  I also think that the reasons for the mis-gendering are important and should not be ignored.  If it is intentional with malice then that should be addressed directly and without hesitation.  OTOH accidents do happen.

It is these accidental occurrences that need to be addressed more carefully.  What exactly is causing them?  Is it some behavioral cues on your part, or is it just carelessness or habit.  One would think that after a year, those habitual behaviors should have been changed, so I would look for alternative causes.

What's causing this is easy. Its human nature!! I'm sure it has nothing to do with how Jane is presenting herself.  Try calling your female or male dog by the opposite....its very difficult, sure they don't have obvious signs of there gender, but then it should be easy, yet it still isn't. The only ones that will gender you correctly are the ones that don't know (presumably) and the people that make a conscious effort and it has become more natural for them. For everyone else whether they accept you or not its not something they think about ahead of time, especially if its a one on one situation.

My children quite frequently miss-gender me at home, they also still call me dad. I have accepted the dad part, since their mother won't allow them to call me mom, but I have asked them to refer to me correctly especially when out and about. Because they make a conscious effort when out somewhere, they have never miss-gendered me....and often if they have to get my intention, they will call out "hey" (ya love that one!) or Shelly and sometimes they will even yell out mom!

Even in saying this and understand the phycology behind it, I'm still very sensitive when my family miss-genders me, and I take great offense if it was done intentionally!

[Jane's Sweet Refrain]

What's causing this is easy. Its human nature!! I'm sure it has nothing to do with how Jane is presenting herself.  Try calling your female or male dog by the opposite....its very difficult, sure they don't have obvious signs of there gender, but then it should be easy, yet it still isn't. The only ones that will gender you correctly are the ones that don't know (presumably) and the people that make a conscious effort and it has become more natural for them. For everyone else whether they accept you or not its not something they think about ahead of time, especially if its a one on one situation.

My children quite frequently miss-gender me at home, they also still call me dad. I have accepted the dad part, since their mother won't allow them to call me mom, but I have asked them to refer to me correctly especially when out and about. Because they make a conscious effort when out somewhere, they have never miss-gendered me....and often if they have to get my intention, they will call out "hey" (ya love that one!) or Shelly and sometimes they will even yell out mom!

Even in saying this and understand the phycology behind it, I'm still very sensitive when my family miss-genders me, and I take great offense if it was done intentionally!

Sorry it's taken so long to thank those who responded. My internet was down from Thursday till now (A technician had entered my modem number as cancelled and replaced).

Shelley has a point. It's not a problem with passing or behavior. And I don't think it's malice. It's more force of habit. It's not why it occurs that matters so much but that it occurs at all. I don't think it's ever happened with someone I've met as Jane who didn't know me before.

It was fun meeting a new class of first year students and their parents yesterday who have just arrived on campus and are not yet part of the rumor mill. One of my students father's was hitting on me after his son and everyone else left. I'm smile-sighing about what his reaction will be when he gets a phone call from his son in the next couple of weeks. Le sigh.

I love you all so much. Thanks!

[Jessica Merriman]

Just remember Sis, you are gorgeous. I know it hurts, but don't let them spoil your happiness. 

[Megumi]

I've been very very lucky at work and I'm only at the 1 month full time mark. As much as I detest the word pass, I pass just fine even with everyone knowing that I'm transgender. There have only been a couple of people who have not used the right pronouns or my real legal name and right now I politely remind them every time they do misgender me. They give the typical well I've known you one way for up to 8 1/2 years so this is hard for me to grasp. I counter that with well you never flubbed up one single time when Ms.Justmarried got married and took her husbands last name, use the same thought pattern for me to help you get with my name change too. Then they say "well that's different, they just changed their last name" to which I respond "it's just a name, if you learned it for one person that you've know for 23 years I think you are more than capable of remembering my new name even though you've only known me for 8 years" If they keep it up for much longer then I will be reporting them to my boss then HR. I can tell when someone goofs up by accident, they almost always correct themselves right away without me uttering a word.

It basically amounts to people trying to use any excuse possible to not validate who you are. Stand tall and push back, don't let them walk over you because every time you just blow it off they see that as you allowing and giving them permission to continue doing it.

[Jane's Sweet Refrain]

Just remember Sis, you are gorgeous. I know it hurts, but don't let them spoil your happiness. 

With friends like you, Jessica, I have invulnerable happiness. Keep being beautiful!!!!