Please be careful when responding to brand new members

[suzifrommd]

When it's someone who needs support because a loved one is transgender, and their post comes off as transphobic or ignorant, I'm gentle. However, someone coming here to post about how they're upset about their partner's fetish for transgender women isn't necessarily going to receive the same careful treatment from me.

Suzi's original post makes it sound like we're talking about new members who are trans or questioning, in which case I would show nothing but love and support to, even if they came in with a completely misinformed idea of us and used all the wrong terminology and wording.

However, if we are indeed referring to the recent incident Declan alluded to, I really can't understand what was inappropriate about the way some people responded. That person was not trans or questioning and neither was their partner. They also didn't come to our forum to learn about us.

This seems to imply that there are some advice-seekers who deserve ultimate decorum and support, while others do not, and that we can always tell by reading a single post written in haste which category they belong to.

Am I the only person uncomfortable with this?

[Declan.]

This seems to imply that there are some advice-seekers who deserve ultimate decorum and support, while others do not, and that we can always tell by reading a single post written in haste which category they belong to.

Am I the only person uncomfortable with this?

It's not a matter of being deserving of kindness in my eyes, it's a matter of whether or not I'm concerned coming across as harsh will do more harm than good. In this particular case, I didn't consider the person as someone in need of support from a transgender message board. This was an issue of education. If she had been someone trying to work through a crisis in which her spouse had come out to her as transgender, and not being careful could result in her leaving and not having anyone to turn to, that's different to me. Am I wrong? Perhaps, but that's not my point. I still wasn't harsh towards her - I was harsh towards those who were posting passive-aggressive and condescending remarks about other members. When there are only one or two people being harsh in a thread, it's obvious who those remarks are made towards. Mind as well quote their posts and directly attack them.

[Monkeymel]

I prefer to reply to posts only when I can offer something constructive to say. I saw the original thread and it was probably the wrong place to ask such questions. But if you are thrown such a scenario who do you ask for more information?. Some people left helpful constructive comments. Others I was ashamed to read.

I concur with Suzy and the mods. If we meet hostility / poor language with hostility then it is a downward spiral which helps no one. Time for me to walk away.

[stephaniec]

well, I didn't respond to that post, I started to in a helpful manner suggesting therapy for the SO's view towards me, but I tend to trigger easily on certain subjects and my reply stated out nice but was rapidly going  south so I  deleted .I  can only guess why some one would tell a loving wife with a  beautiful child that he wanted to do that  why in the world would you want to do that. very upsetting to me at all levels

[GenTechJ]

Not sure what this post is in reference to, but I've felt nothing but love from the members of the forum. Of which I'm thankful for. Maybe I'm biased but I don't get how anyone on this board would be anything but nice to new members unless the new member is an obvious troll. Which is way different from someone wording something wrong, I believe.

That being said, I would report first should I see something I saw troll-like rather than feed the troll. But again, I'm clueless as to any incident in question.

[Jessica Merriman]

It's not a matter of being deserving of kindness in my eyes, it's a matter of whether or not I'm concerned coming across as harsh will do more harm than good. In this particular case, I didn't consider the person as someone in need of support from a transgender message board.

Remember, you are not a moderator and should report the post in question, not handle it yourself. If a topic is triggering go to another topic. 

[AnneB]

I must have missed that thread, it's what happens when I camp out on FB for days at a time..

As someone who replied to a post about asking how to deal with the lack of growth, the thread began to spiral outside the lines of being supportive, and I posted an apology.  In the thread, I saw I was being cruel and insensitive, and Im never that.  And it hurt me..  I'm not going to blame it on the mob mentality but I guess that's what happened.  I saw some responses were killed off, I removed one of mine, well, just because.. 

I have seen a few others here as well, that, even after several readings, still looked very troll-like, hence, garnering the replies it received, only to find, the post really was made in earnest.  Some got slapped, others retracted, one or two,  seemed to say, "eh, well, you shudda told us.."  Suzi, and others remembered what our first crazy-scared posts were like, and the replies could have nearly cost lives.

I am truly sorry for any insensitivity I may have ever portrayed, to anyone. New or old.   Mods do a thankless job, and yes.. 10 globals for nearly 20,000 members.. it's a tough job.  It should be paid (ik), but I wouldn't want it.

I know I will, forever now, remember where I was in my mind when I read a first post, or hear the terror in a new girl or guys message.

[Eva Marie]

This seems to imply that there are some advice-seekers who deserve ultimate decorum and support, while others do not, and that we can always tell by reading a single post written in haste which category they belong to.

Am I the only person uncomfortable with this?

This was also my concern Suzi. We can't always know the details about a person's circumstance or what their intent is by a single online posting. In this case the person came to us seeking help. The least we could do is be nice and helpful to her, even if what she was asking about didn't particularly pertain to our community. Why can't we just respond nicely to her concerns?

[Jessica Merriman]

What made it worse was the OP apologized ahead of time for any wrong terminology she may have addressed unknowingly. Some of the members could have helped her become educated about how to address our community and the terminology we use, but sadly decided to persecute her. 

[EllieM]

This seems to imply that there are some advice-seekers who deserve ultimate decorum and support, while others do not, and that we can always tell by reading a single post written in haste which category they belong to.

Am I the only person uncomfortable with this?

Me too, Suzi. While it was unfolding, I understood why some members were balking, but I was hoping that we could all see that the OP was clearly in distress, didn't know where to turn, and reached out to us. It was obvious that she had no knowledge of our world. While I agree that this may not have been the best place to pose those questions, it was an opportunity for us to demonstrate compassion. I know we can all do better. I pray we all learned something valuable from this. Love to all,
-ellie

[Declan.]

Remember, you are not a moderator and should report the post in question, not handle it yourself. If a topic is triggering go to another topic. 

If I'm not allowed to share opinions on how other members are acting, they shouldn't be able to either. Frankly, I had no idea it was against the rules to post unless you agree with someone.

[Jessica Merriman]

If I'm not allowed to share opinions on how other members are acting, they shouldn't be able to either. Frankly, I had no idea it was against the rules to post unless you agree with someone.

You are missing the point. It is OK to disagree, just temper the response a little. 

[Arch]

You are missing the point.

No, I don't think he is.

Funny how this thread started out as a plea to be sensitive to others, and it is gradually devolving into something that is quite the opposite: judgment and self-justification and even some rule-bending. Might I suggest that some of us take a deep breath and maybe even go do something else for a little while before responding to this thread again?

And, yes, I counted to ten a couple of times and then deleted my original unvarnished response.

[Jessica Merriman]

No, I don't think he is.

Funny how this thread started out as a plea to be sensitive to others, and it is gradually devolving into something that is quite the opposite: judgment and self-justification and even some rule-bending.

I apologize to all then. I did not realize I was out of line. I will sign out. Sorry everyone. 

I wish you had told me this in a PM though. 

[mrs izzy]

It's not a matter of being deserving of kindness in my eyes, it's a matter of whether or not I'm concerned coming across as harsh will do more harm than good. In this particular case, I didn't consider the person as someone in need of support from a transgender message board. So then a SO is only allowed to this board for help if she has a spouse the is or feels they are transgender period... Just so you know the mission statement for Susan's is as Every one is welcome at Susan's Place provided you follow a few basic rules: This site is an open support area, and is not generally sexually oriented. The purpose of this site is to provide peer support, and to provide a forum for the discussion of issues related to gender and may include Transsexualism, Transvestism, Crossdressing, or other related topics. This web site exists to offer constructive input and support.
This was an issue of education. If she had been someone trying to work through a crisis in which her spouse had come out to her as transgender, and not being careful could result in her leaving and not having anyone to turn to, that's different to me. Am I wrong? The posting of messages on the chat or forums which are of a threatening tone; intended solely to communicate sarcasm, contempt, or derision; are intended to belittle or ridicule a person or group; to disgust the viewer; contain obscene or pornographic materials; which are intended to titillate; or which depicts illegal acts; will not be permitted.
Perhaps, but that's not my point. I still wasn't harsh towards her - I was harsh towards those who were posting passive-aggressive and condescending remarks about other members. Bashing or flaming of any individuals or groups is not acceptable behavior on this web site and will not be tolerated in the slightest for any reason.  This includes but is not limited to:
    Advocating the separation or exclusion of one or more group from under the Transgender umbrella term
    Suggesting or claiming that one segment or sub-segment of our community is more legitimate, deserving, or more real than any others When there are only one or two people being harsh in a thread, it's obvious who those remarks are made towards. Mind as well quote their posts and directly attack them.

And always If someone wishes to discuss a subject that you are not interested in,  suggest a new subject; go to another of the many areas on this site; or ignore that person, topic, or discussion. If you feel a person's post violates the rules of this site use the report this post function.

I have read close that whole thread after the fact. I have also now since you seem to have a agenda also read back on your posts. I am disappointed in how your post read. Just saying.

So i have added a few comments is all, my knowledge and opinions on how this site works.

[mrs izzy]

I was looking for a safe place to split this topic but truly is not any good place.

So suzi you started this great thread would you like it locked and then start another?

If you do start another it need to be reported when it gets out of topic.

So suzi your call.

Isabell

[jname]

Recently, I observed a brand new member of this site being given a very hard time by longtime site members for asking an honest question. This really bothered me, and brought back memories of a traumatic night. When I first was questioning my gender, and I had no idea what might be wrong with me, I ventured a timid post on Susan's asking whether people thought I belonged.

One of the very first replies came from someone who told me they were uncomfortable having me post here, because it appeared I was "cisgender". I didn't know what that meant, so I promised to look it up, and if I thought it fit, I would accommodate their wishes and not return. When I learned what it meant, I decided I clearly did not belong here, and that I wouldn't bother the members of Susan's with any further posts.

I almost didn't come back.

Can you imagine where I'd be today if I hadn't? But after a mostly sleepless night spent upset that I hadn't found a safe place to talk about what was eating me, I awoke early and had a few extra minutes in the morning. My computer was already logged on, so I decided to check my thread one more time. There was one more post, strongly disagreeing with the member who thought I didn't belong here. That was enough for me to stay for one more day, which produced a parade of people welcoming me to the site.

My point is that when someone joins this site, they are in a very delicate place. If we start picking apart their language or use their thread to perpetuate a feud with other members, we can EASILY drive someone away who desperately needs us.

So please, please, PLEASE, be gentle with new members. Please answer their posts with sensitivity and empathy. Please understand that they are often hanging on our every word and that we might be providing the only support, support someone desperately needs.

Was this honest question per chance to do with her concern for husband's interest in TS porn? In which case that thread was locked. The member base had a difference of opinion and both sides raised valid concerns. How you could defend that woman however is beyond me.

[Susan522]

As a relative, if somewhat outspoken 'newbie' on this site, I have spent more than half my time here on a "Watched" or "Moderated" list/status.

I understand that while my perspective might differ significantly from the majority, based on a significantly different experience, my comments can easily be misconstrued or misunderstood based on the past (possibly negative), experience of some of the other users here.  For this reason, I welcome constructive criticism from the mods and other members on the forum.  In my mind, education is a two way street.

"We are always open to suggestions to help make things more user welcome." ~Ms. Izzy

My suggestion would be for the mods, when they send the moderation warnings, SIGN those warnings, or provide some method to seek further clarification of guidance on how to improve their communication or commenting skills.

Thank you

[Declan.]

No, I don't think he is.

Funny how this thread started out as a plea to be sensitive to others, and it is gradually devolving into something that is quite the opposite: judgment and self-justification and even some rule-bending. Might I suggest that some of us take a deep breath and maybe even go do something else for a little while before responding to this thread again?

And, yes, I counted to ten a couple of times and then deleted my original unvarnished response.

Hit the nail on the head.

And always If someone wishes to discuss a subject that you are not interested in,  suggest a new subject; go to another of the many areas on this site; or ignore that person, topic, or discussion. If you feel a person's post violates the rules of this site use the report this post function.

I have read close that whole thread after the fact. I have also now since you seem to have a agenda also read back on your posts. I am disappointed in how your post read. Just saying.

So i have added a few comments is all, my knowledge and opinions on how this site works.

This wasn't a matter of not being interested in the discussion. I gave advice to the OP and wasn't harsh. After I gave her advice, some other members did as well, and then the thread devolved into a dogpile. I spoke up because I didn't appreciate the condescending tones of several posts. It was blatantly obvious who the posts were targeted towards because only one person on the thread had been harsh. I am not sure what my "agenda" is other than being unhappy about watching regular members and staff members alike dogpiling on a single person.

There were no posts to report, either. It's not against the rules to be condescending. How could you ever hope to moderate something that vague? Why would I want to waste the staff's time reporting that many people, including staff members, for something that's not even against the rules? If it's against the rules for me to complain about members being condescending, it should be against the rules for others to complain about members being "ugly," "rude" and so on. Otherwise, it's a huge double-standard.

[Ms Grace]

Y'know what? This thread is locked.