finding your family, unless you were born into the right one, takes a whole lot of networking. networking requires excess energy, which is something most people get from spending time either alone or with friends. you're probably of the social type who needs time with good friends, and that's difficult to accomplish unless you're in a state where you won't reject people almost by default out of too much fear and/or anger.
it seems you are dealing a whole lot with unresolved anger issues, and that will make people stay away from you. your fear will also make it more difficult for you to approach people. dealing with these kinds of things can take years, but learning to control it doesn't have to take too much time. learning to control only requires observing what triggers different reactions, and then emotionally, mentally, or physically stepping away from the situation or conversation that is triggering, and then react in a different way than what instinct tells you. focusing on that before or while trying to fix yourself into a better and more positive person is likely to help you build the social network that you need.
becoming happy, not angry, unafraid of other people and their reactions, isn't always as easy as changing your outlook on the world. it can take a whole lot of self reflection, self searching, and seriously looking at yourself in the mirror. finding your faults, finding your regrets, bitterness, the mechanisms that lead you to make choices that you now know didn't take you to the place where you wanted to be. realizing how you've always had a choice, and that many things that you've been thinking forced you to make your choice, actually mostly were things that were more important for you at the time, though often unconsciously. it's a matter of making up with yourself and your own stupidity in the past. you can't change other people or force them to realize their mistakes. but you can change yourself and make up with yourself, and even forgive yourself for things that you've regretted for a long time.
coming to terms with your past, making up with yourself, and consciously considering the reasons for your own choices, will make the fear of other people disappear. when you know why something is right for you, and that it really is right for you in your current situation, you won't feel a need to justify everything that you do. the need to justify everything comes from an insecurity about whether you are really doing the right thing. when you know something is right, you stand in a much more secure position in your relation to the world and other people. it's a wonderful thing to be able to tell people that i dye my hair blue simply because i like the color, and knowing deep inside that this is good enough reason for me, so other people can just accept or disagree as they like. it won't change my mind about it. and it really should be the same with every other decision that i make.
one of the things you say, that seems rather concerning, is that you don't feel comfortable in your current environment. i'm not sure how far you are in your education, maybe the best choice will be to just finish. but you should not feel obliged to stay on a path that you know is taking you to a place where you don't want to be. this is still a much easier choice than when my brother finally realized that his over 20 years long relationship with his girlfriend, who is also the mother of their three children, would never give him what he wanted from a relationship, and was even holding him back from doing many things that were actually very important to him. he had lost his social network because she wouldn't let him meet up with friends as often as he needed to, and she wasn't able to compensate for that loss. the only solution was to break up, with all the consequences that has, both for the children, her, and him. he's completely lost all financial security, could lose his housing any time, but is still happier than before because he can life his own life the way that is right for him. for him it was a matter of life or death, just the same as transition is for many trans people. but in the end, society still accepts divorce or similar more easily, interestingly enough. consider your options seriously when thinking about your education and job prospects. will following your current course take you to any place where you can feel good about yourself and the people you'll be surrounded with? and if not, is it still worth getting through it, for other reasons?
you also mention how your own perfectionism eats away all your spare time. that's not a good thing at all. perfectionism needs some limits, shutting yourself in won't help you with finding your tribe. if you're the type to work day and night from the start of a project, you might find it useful to make yourself a schedule with spare time plotted in. when i was dealing with too heavy anxiety and almost unlimited depression, i countered it by setting a strict schedule for myself, with a particularly strict sleep schedule. going to bed early enough was key in this matter, and also a determination to not discuss any of my worries with myself after bedtime.
it is generally helpful to spend 40-60 minutes every day on self reflection. put it into your schedule, as an activity like walking, yoga, or something else which doesn't have to do with work or school, and that you will only do at those times. use this time to reflect on your past, think about your future, possibilities, regrets, ways of fixing yourself. one of my colleagues uses the time when he commutes to and from work (45 min boat trip) to meditate, and insists that this is what gives him the energy to get through his days without getting upset over setbacks, lashing out at people, etc. another colleague gets up at 5 in the morning, answers emails from difficult people, and then meditates for an hour before driving to work. meditation in the morning is really effective for enabling yourself to deal with difficult days, so it's worth trying. meditation in the evening is more likely to just get you lost in difficult thoughts that you'll resolve much better the morning after. i'm not telling you to do this, but i highly recommend it for fixing yourself if you feel a need to do that.
another time that would probably do you good to take in your busy schedule, is an interest or hobby. many people find their best friends through their interests, so taking one evening off every week in order to pursue something that you really like, would probably help you find out where your tribe is at. taking a break where you can concentrate on something completely different also helps energize you, and makes it easier for you to get through your otherwise bleak days. there are many hobbies that don't require too much social skill, like chess, anime (watching together/discussing), music (going to concerts) etc. i found my best society in uni in the japan club. it was nerdy, and that's why i managed to get along rather than feel left out.
sorry for a ridiculously long post. it's just that i've been in a quite similar place to where you are now, and i know how hard it was to get out of it. so i'm throwing out my own experience, addressed to you, hoping some of it may help.
