Mom Is In Denial (Bad)

[nikkie]

So, I've been thinking about what my therapist has said about my mom. She thinks that my mother has been in denial since day 1. We talked about a few things and its very apparent that my mom has continued to ignore my behavior despite it being in her face 24/7 since I was a kid. I looked back at some photos from when I was a kid and boy are they sad to look at. It's crazy how she can live in such denial for so long. I feel bad cause I feel that I have caused her stress but at the same time she has never confronted me about it. Ever. So, why should I continue to feel bad if she has never confronted me about my behavior? (I ask myself)...I wish she would talk to me about it, but I think she is scared to. She's always been the type to say, just ignore it and it will go away on its own. Yeah, not true for how I feel. I'm 25 and still looking/acting the same way since I was 12 lol. My plan for my transition is to go "naturally" let the changes happen without telling her what is going on. My fear is that she will look at me and tell me that I'm getting prettier. It's funny cause I look 100% like my dad so I know that I do not look pretty at all. lol I'm extremely boyish in the face. The only thing my mother tells me is that I need to stop cutting my hair so short, but of course I do not listen and she has never given me a good reason as to why I need to stop cutting it.

I can only imagine her reaction to the changes my body will go through once I go on T. I honestly don't have a clue as to what she will say/do/think. Sign, I guess this is just me venting a little bit. I've been feeling a little anxious since I have to wait almost a month until my next appointment with my GT. At least time is passing by quickly.

Anyone have something to add or share. I'm kinda in a thinking/chatty mood. Would like to hear some stories of family members coping with denial and coming to terms with it.

*Forgot to add that I am not out as trans to them, but they do know that I date women.

Thanks

[pianoforte]

I'm also thinking about just starting T without telling my family members. Some of them also have major denial issues, so maybe they'll just continue sweeping it under the rug...

The hope is that I'll be happier anyway, though.

I'm curious to follow this thread and see what people say

[Bimmer Guy]

nikkie, I am wondering why you would define it as "denial" if you have never told her?  She probably just thinks you are a masculine female that dates women.  Unless you tell a person otherwise, they are not going to go to "trans" in their head.  It is not a part of most people's worlds, so their thinking doesn't even go there.  Their mind stops with what it "sees" (a masculine/perhaps male presenting, female) and what they are told (you date women).

I'm curious to know what you haven't told her directly?

[nikkie]

nikkie, I am wondering why you would define it as "denial" if you have never told her?  She probably just thinks you are a masculine female that dates women.  Unless you tell a person otherwise, they are not going to go to "trans" in their head.  It is not a part of most people's worlds, so their thinking doesn't even go there.  Their mind stops with what it "sees" (a masculine/perhaps male presenting, female) and what they are told (you date women).

I'm curious to know what you haven't told her directly?

In my family if there is an "issue" we know that it exists, but it's never talk about it. My family is a little odd when it comes to things they aren't comfortable talking about.
I told my therapist that I never told my family about me being trans, she said that the way my mom reacted to situations with me when I was a kid lets her know that she is in denial about me in general.
I never told her directly that I was trans, but years ago I came out as a lesbian. This is something that just doesn't get talked about even though they know that I have lived/dated women.

[Frank]

I actually find this attitude kind of amusing. My mother is the same way, it's literally like I've never told her anything about it several times since I was seventeen. It's like it goes "fwoosh" right over her head. In one ear, out the other.

I've been on T for six months now and have sideburns growing in with a healthy goatee so I'm kind of curious to see if she's just going to flat out pretend that's not there either.

[nikkie]

I actually find this attitude kind of amusing. My mother is the same way, it's literally like I've never told her anything about it several times since I was seventeen. It's like it goes "fwoosh" right over her head. In one ear, out the other.

I've been on T for six months now and have sideburns growing in with a healthy goatee so I'm kind of curious to see if she's just going to flat out pretend that's not there either.

I have a feeling that my mom is going to ignore the changes too. I picture new company coming over for the first time and I have facial hair/muscles and my mom is going to be like, this is my daughter and my voice is going to be super deep when I greet our new company. They'll be like super confused. lol

By the way, do you still live with your parents?

[Frank]

I do not live with my parents, they live several hundred miles away. We see each other about twice a year for the holidays. I took my first shot about the day after she left, the last holiday.

I called her the other day, and she didn't even comment on my voice which is funny because I know my voice has dropped considerably. Other family members comment on it. This is going to be fun, I see.

This is partly why I live so far away from them. I've told them this stuff and yet my dad yelled "[NAME] THE GIRL'S BATHROOM IS OVER THERE" in front of like a million people. Totally ruined that family outing and I refuse to go out in public with them anymore.

[SWNID]

Before I came out, my mom frequently called me "son", but after I actually came out as male, she stopped. Even for now (year and half since coming out), she is just calling me "baby", "my child" etc.

[nikkie]

I do not live with my parents, they live several hundred miles away. We see each other about twice a year for the holidays. I took my first shot about the day after she left, the last holiday.

I called her the other day, and she didn't even comment on my voice which is funny because I know my voice has dropped considerably. Other family members comment on it. This is going to be fun, I see.

This is partly why I live so far away from them. I've told them this stuff and yet my dad yelled "[NAME] THE GIRL'S BATHROOM IS OVER THERE" in front of like a million people. Totally ruined that family outing and I refuse to go out in public with them anymore.

Oh, wow, that is embarrassing! I wouldn't know what to do with myself if that happened.
For me, I pass pretty well as a young 16 year old (I'm 25) so every time we go out to eat (like once a week) and the waiter/waitress calls me he or sir, my dad feels the need to correct them every time. Super embarrassing! They just correct but never address the fact that I get sired or him/his/he. They just correct, give me a funny face and continue on eating. Maybe they feel embarrassed for me, but again we just don't talk about these things.

[nikkie]

Before I came out, my mom frequently called me "son", but after I actually came out as male, she stopped. Even for now (year and half since coming out), she is just calling me "baby", "my child" etc.

Interesting! My mom has always treated me like my brother when I did something wrong. For instance, let's say my mom is cooking and I feel like annoying her, she'll get tired of me and swat me with the spatula. She does this to my brother too. Never to my sister. Also, let's say my mom is moping and I come in the house with shoes, she'll hit me with the broom stick (not hard), she does this to my brother also cause we spend a lot of time working on cars and frequently come home dirty. If my sister was to be dirty she'll not do anything to her yet my brother and I won't be allowed in the house at times.

[Frank]

Luckily it was at a big sports game so I doubt even one person paid attention but it still pissed me off.

You should probably just come out and say it. Just shoving it under the rug is helping them ignore it. If you never bring it up, they never have to acknowledge it.

[nikkie]

Luckily it was at a big sports game so I doubt even one person paid attention but it still pissed me off.

You should probably just come out and say it. Just shoving it under the rug is helping them ignore it. If you never bring it up, they never have to acknowledge it.

I've been thinking about coming out to them. I have already come out to my sister and she is very supportive. I had told her that I didn't want to go to my first t shot appointment by myself and she was like, you shouldn't have to go by yourself just tell me when it is and I'll go with you. I thought it was the greatest thing ever. Also, she and I talked about it and we thought that it would be best for me to be on t for at least 5-6 months before we tell them anything or unless I start getting changes too quickly which ever comes first. 

So yeah, I do plan on telling them, but not just yet. I want them to see some changes before I say anything.

[Bimmer Guy]

Luckily it was at a big sports game so I doubt even one person paid attention but it still pissed me off.

You should probably just come out and say it. Just shoving it under the rug is helping them ignore it. If you never bring it up, they never have to acknowledge it.

Yes, this is what I am thinking.  Say it directly at some point.

[nikkie]

Yes, this is what I am thinking.  Say it directly at some point.

Yes, I will. It's something that I'm currently working on. Not sure how to do it just yet though.

[Bimmer Guy]

Yes, I will. It's something that I'm currently working on. Not sure how to do it just yet though.

Yes, I saw your other thread.  You'll figure it out!

[Maleth]

If you're independent of your family then I think it'll be much easier for you to deal with it anyways, but I feel like time given to them while they see you changing and are living happily as your gender, they might come around. But it doesn't hurt to be direct about it either, like Brett said. Good luck either way. If you think about it for a little bit then maybe you could brainstorm a few ideas on how to be direct.. there are many different ways to do it too, and there is no perfect way to do it. But yeah, good luck

[Arram]

My mom thinks I'm going through a phase. She can't (read: won't) accept it because she doesn't understand it (her words), and because her religion is against it.
I've given up trying to discuss it with her, she has abysmal communication habits. I'm just going to wait until there's significant change and see if that shocks her into realising that this isn't going away just because it makes her uncomfortable.
I'm just glad we live in different cities.

[Taka]

my mother never made the slightest effort in getting to know me, and has always treated me like someone else, or the type of person she wanted me to be.
she's incorrigible though, doesn't even realize that she has emotionally abused all her children, and in a few cases caused irreparable damage. many mother insist on ignoring extremely telling behavior, hoping that it will go away on its own and they'll never have to face the fact that their child is a completely different person from herself, who has their own identity and their own need in order to find a happy future.

i agree on not telling until it's necessary. if you do want to tell her though, i'd advice you to only inform her about your choice to transition. do not engage in any kind of discussion about whether or not you're trans or that's a choice or anything. and when you feel it's appropriate for her to start using male name and pronouns when referring to you, just tell her to do that. don't ask her to, that will make it sound like she can ignore you female again. be very clear on how you're not going to discuss your choice in these matters, while being willing to discuss in the form of explaining why you made this choice.

a parent's unwillingness to accept your "choices" of sexual or gender identity can be countered by not accepting any disrespect from them. if they love you, they are responsible for proving this by their actions. if they want to spend time with you, they will have to do that on your terms (unless you live with them).

i'm non-binary though, so i'm having different kinds of issues where i need to be that clear with my mom. but it works. she seems to have realized that i'm my daughter's only parent, and i'm no longer trying to justify any of my choices. it will take time for me to break completely out of the control she's been holding over me, but i'm very close now. i won't talk about being trans before i'm actually on hormones and have started changing physically, simply because i know she won't get it, won't accept it, and will deny the possibility to her last breath if i give her the chance. not worth the trouble.