I just want to give up

[Valleyrie]

Why must I feel so pathetic and useless? I want this pain to end, I just want to cry. I have nothing going for me. For the past 2 years almost I've just sat around in my room doing nothing. I feel like a burden and a leech but I don't want to be. I feel weak, like I can be easily broken. If it weren't for the support of my family I doubt I'd even survive out there. I'd literally just watch myself rot away. If I was put into a position where I had to fend for myself I'm pretty sure I'd just find somewhere to sit and die. I hate myself so much no matter how hard I try to accept things. My style of thinking is very depressing. I see no point to anything. I have thoughts of death every single second I'm awake, it is nothing more than nothingness to me. All this suffering and even happiness. Once I'm gone it won't mean anything and even it if does I'd have no conscious to even think about that.

I hate my body, my voice... why must I wake up to this nightmare every single day? I hate being seen as a boy, I hate seeing myself as one. I hate being legally recognised as male... it's not me, it feels forced. I'm not a damn guy and I know I can't change the way people perceive me and that's what I hate. I hate the fact that I care so much about what others think and having that need to feel accepted. Everything is just so overwhelming, I hate being human sometimes. I'm in therapy but currently off meds which I do plan to start again but it feels like nothing has changed. I'm just as depressed as ever. I can't even do simple tasks without feeling depressed and worthless. I'm constantly tired and just want to sleep all the time. I feel so alone in this world, I just want to disappear.

I have so much hatred and disgust inside of me even though I probably come off as a positive person. I'm always on the edge and little things just set me off. It's a never ending cycle. I try to be positive and refrain from using language that's just black and white but it's how I feel and it never stops. The only memories I have are of misery, I have made no accomplishments in life. I'm a drop out with nothing to show who just sits around in her room all day making no contributions to anything. I play guitar and that's all, I don't even think I'm that good at it even though I practice for hours on end. I don't even know if I'm suicidal but I'd probably take the opportunity if a situation were to ever arise.

I know a few people in real life who also deal with depression and other mental health issues but I can't even relate to them. I feel like a waste of everything; people's time, money, oxygen, food, water. I feel like I'm just wasting time when I could just put myself out of this misery instead of prolonging my end. This probably isn't a rational thing to say but I feel as though suicide is inevitable for me and that depression will constantly be there to tear away at my being. I feel stupid for even saying these things, I know that I need to be doing things but I have almost no will or motivation. It's like I've already given up but haven't just yet if that makes sense. I guess the thing that stops me from acting on these thoughts the most is putting someone else through what I'm going through and having them endure the pain and sadness of losing someone they loved. That disturbs me quite a lot but then again when I get to a point where I'm really depressed I feel so numb and empty that things like that don't even faze me one bit.

I don't know... ;\

[Auroramarianna]

Hi Valleyrie,

I feel so sorry that you are going through this. I was also on depression meds when I was younger and they often don't work the way we want them to. We want to feel happy and alive again, but these meds often inhibit your emotions because otherwise we'd be sad all the time because of depression, so we get into a state of emotional numbness where you just don't feel anymore. It's all so blank. Please do take them if they help, but you need to know that you'll have to change your attitude. You'll have to become pro-active in order to win over depression. I know this is all so easy to say and not so easy to do, but please do it for yourself. Also, please talk to anybody about these feelings, your therapist, your parents. Someone who can listen and help you. When you're dead, nothing will matter, we don't know what is beyond death but you'll for sure not exist in the same form, and nobody can ever get you back to life. It is permanent, forever. Life is worth living, even if it is sometimes so cruel, there's always some beauty in it. Try living the moment, go for walk, just enjoy the heat of the sun warming up your face, collect flowers, do something that will make your day brighter. Pursue new hobbies, they are a fantastic way of meeting new people. These little moments can save your life. I know it's all dark right now and it's so hard to see the light at the end of tunnel when you believe you're in a bottomless pit, but it does get better. And don't be afraid of clinging to your family, or of being needy. Right now you really need them, and I'm so glad they support you, that's like so huge, so please don't be afraid of talking to them about this. They will listen and they will do whatever they can to help and save you.

I wish you all the best,

Aurora

[rosinstraya]

I'm in therapy but currently off meds which I do plan to start again but it feels like nothing has changed. I'm just as depressed as ever.

Hey, you sound in such a horrible and dark place right now. Like you have been thinking about everything that's screwed and bad 24/7. I would ask you - why are you off the meds? Was it a decision by a suitably trained medical professional (a doctor or physician)? Because if it wasn't, it probably wasn't a good decision. And if it was, well, it sounds like you need to get further medical advice on this.

Has this overwhelming dark mood and sense of failure come on since you went off the meds? A lot of of these drugs don't treat you too well if you go cold turkey and stop them abruptly. I can understand if you want to go off the meds to feel "normal" and right emotionally without the dampening down effect that sometimes occurs. But, at the moment, is that dampening down going to be worse than the emotions you're feeling now?

It sound to me, as someone who has had depression and its related bits for years, that you may benefit from getting your current mental wellness and meds checked out. It is just no good to feel the way you do at the moment and I am really sorry that you're in this situation.

Please seek some medical help, and ask family or friends for help as well. Don't suffer on your own

All the best, and hugs.

[Ms Grace]

First of all... hugs. I can relate to that dark place, been there myself and it is not fun.

OK, so you are in therapy and not on meds, even when on meds you feel that nothing changes. You may need to talk to someone about changing the meds. You definitely need to talk to someone about how you feel. I know you feel that things are hopeless but they don't have to be.

Depression is often about feeling so overwhelmingly powerless about life that nothing seems to be worth doing or engaging with. "Why bother? What's the point?" At the moment it sounds like you are overwhelmed by a lot of things that you feel you have no control over. You probably feel that there's no point to begin doing anything. "Why start here when that thing needs to change too, or that thing, and that other thing?" In the end you cycle back to where you started and nothing has been done nothing has changed and so you sink down further. At least that's how I felt. Defeated. Alone. Miserable. Thank god I don't anymore.

The way I turned it around was to realise that I couldn't change everything at once, and some things I couldn't change alone and some things I couldn't change at all. Yes it was scary to admit that last one, there are things utterly beyond my control but I now refuse to put my life on hold because of that. Feeling that there was nothing I could do about anything meant I was doing nothing. Realising there was something I could do about one or two things meant that I could do those things. I started small and simple, what was the one thing I could make the most change with? Clean up my dump of a room? OK, tick. Offer to help around the house? Yep. Little things that made me feel useful and productive - sure I couldn't change what was happening in the corridors of power but I could make a difference to my immediate environment. Go for a walk? OK, but only a short one...then longer, maybe go see a movie, even by myself that's fine, something that I really enjoyed and took me out of myself for a while. Maybe I couldn't make a movie but I sure could watch one.

And on it went, bit by bit I built my confidence, took more steps and more responsibility for my life and what was going on around me. Sometimes I failed utterly, it sent me crashing back but I would try again and again. Slowly I built my skills my confidence my ability to socialise...all very very difficult things for me once upon a time. It took a lot of patience but it also took belief in myself and a belief that, ultimately, all will be well.

I believe in you too. Baby steps, that's where you start and big strides is how it can be. Please talk to your therapist and ask how you can start.

[Valleyrie]

Hey girls, I appreciate all the replies so far. I've taken quite a few different anti-depressants before (each one for many months) but never noticed any effects. As unwise as this was I did stop taking them as I just felt the same and was constantly forgetting or taking them at irregular times. I did discuss this with my psychiatrist and we both agreed that I didn't have any clear withdrawal symptoms. The biggest barrier for me right now in regards to overcoming my depression is probably the way I think but my reality isn't great either. I know I need to change this in order to become better but I tend to side with my negative thoughts too much. I personally don't believe there is anything beyond this life but to each their own. I try to do things but it all just seems like 'something to do' for the sake of doing something and I get pleasure out of almost nothing.

You pretty much described how I feel right now when I get overwhelmed Ms Grace. I've been doing groups to keep active and social but haven't been attending them for the last few weeks. I guess I need to find a way like you have, I'll definitely talk to my case manager about this more. It's just so hard, I'm depressed about everything and my gender dysphoria just makes things worse. Thank you all.

[Valleyrie]

I'm really on the verge of just giving up. Nothing makes me happy and seeing myself in the mirror sickens me. I hate myself. Why do I suck at everything I do? I'm so useless I get so depressed about how worthless I am. I'm not just saying these things too. I've been trying so hard to be positive and to progress but I've never been able to. It's weird, it's like I don't even want to get better; like I've given up on trying because I just get let down at every turn. Why do I bother when I truly believe there's no point? I honestly don't know why I'm still here, I don't want any of this... I've had severe depression for so many years now and nothing is working! I feel too tired to even kill myself but what type of excuse is that? I'm so pathetic...

My appointments with my therapist are weekly and I just feel so crap in between those intervals because I find it so hard to talk to anyone about it. I just want to give up on everything, I don't want to get better I just want a way out. I don't want anything but death, if I could die in my sleep I would. I'm so frustrated and hopeless and I'm losing interest in everything. I know this site is more trans-oriented and not really for mental illnesses but I don't want to go to other sites as most people will just judge me. I'm sorry my threads are always so negative, I don't know what to do... why can't I just disappear?

[luna nyan]

Valleyrie,

I'm so sorry to hear that you're down in the dumps.
Remember that there are people rooting for you, wanting to see you succeed.

Dont hold yourself to impossible standards.  You can only do the best at you can at any given time, even if it isn't perfect, that's good enough that you did something.

You're at a hard point now.  It will get better, but it won't be rainbows and unicorns.

*hugs*

[rosinstraya]

Valleyrie,

It's not always possible to get everything clear and straight all the time. The feelings you describe are pretty common and familiar to a lot of people on this board. Sometimes we don't see a way round things, we think the worst, the absolute worst all the time.

It may help to just talk to others - your family, the therapist (can you make an earlier appointment?) If you sit alone with negative thoughts circling in your head, then it will likely stay this way and that is no use to you

Break that cycle and go and speak to someone. Do not be afraid to seek help - we all need to this at different times, it's not a sign of weakness.

Please take care. I wish you well.

[Jess42]

Vallerie. Ok, you are seeing a therapist, what about a psychiatrist? Most GPs that prescribe anti depressants just prescribe the flavor of the day and then Xanax possibly. A psychiatrist will prescribe multiple meds and eventually find what works. They aren't afraid of prescribing multiple meds to get the desire you want and that is to get out of the depression. GPs only really know that serotonin levels cause depression and that is usually what they are gonna prescribe you and it will usually be the newer stuff. A psychiatrist understands that serotonin isn't the only thing that causes depression so they will try multiple things.

Talk to your therapist and see if they can't get you a referral for a psychiatrist if you don't already have one. Believe me it is worth it when it comes to depression and what causes it and the best things that work for it. A lot of times you may have multiple conditions like anxiety that exacerbated the depression and treating both on different levels will help ease both conditions.

Never give up. I have thought about it many times. But no. I can do this. I can survive and you can too. It's just a matter of getting to the root of the problem, finding meds that work until you can think clearly and see the road ahead and all the options rather than just the really bad one.

[stephaniec]

if you want my honest opinion, take a cab to the hospital and tell them you want help.

[Jess42]

I'm really on the verge of just giving up. Nothing makes me happy and seeing myself in the mirror sickens me. I hate myself. Why do I suck at everything I do? I'm so useless I get so depressed about how worthless I am. I'm not just saying these things too. I've been trying so hard to be positive and to progress but I've never been able to. It's weird, it's like I don't even want to get better; like I've given up on trying because I just get let down at every turn. Why do I bother when I truly believe there's no point? I honestly don't know why I'm still here, I don't want any of this... I've had severe depression for so many years now and nothing is working! I feel too tired to even kill myself but what type of excuse is that? I'm so pathetic...

My appointments with my therapist are weekly and I just feel so crap in between those intervals because I find it so hard to talk to anyone about it. I just want to give up on everything, I don't want to get better I just want a way out. I don't want anything but death, if I could die in my sleep I would. I'm so frustrated and hopeless and I'm losing interest in everything. I know this site is more trans-oriented and not really for mental illnesses but I don't want to go to other sites as most people will just judge me. I'm sorry my threads are always so negative, I don't know what to do... why can't I just disappear?

Look Hon. A lot of us have faced so called mental illness. My god you sound so much like me not too long ago. My heart is breaking for you 'cause I know how it feels. Praying every night for one of two things, waking up who I truly am or not waking up at all.

It really sounds like you have really bad depression. Next time you see your therapist, ask them if they can refer you to a psychiatrist to at least get on some meds that work.

Never apologize. You be as negative as you want to be. Let it out. You can cry on my proverbial shoulder as long as you need to. Believe me we need you. There is a point. Nobody wants to be trans, But that is the cards life dealt us and there are ways we can deal with it. You are definitely not pathetic. I believe I can be safe in saying and speaking for everyone else, we don't want or need to lose anymore friends and family. This is just me talking now but I find it unacceptable for myself to lose anymore brothers or sisters.

If it is that bad Valleyrie, go to the hospital like Stephanie said or talk to us and just let it all out. I know curse words are frowned upon but if you need to cuss and let everything out, feel free to PM me if the mods don't care the language used in PMs. I don't get offended by anything and what people say doesn't trigger me in anyway whatsoever. I worry, I know, 'cause I have been there on the slow road.

[Valleyrie]

Hey everyone, I'm feeling a bit better now but I know this won't last. I'll just end up feeling worse as the day progresses. I was able to talk to someone and that helped get my mind off things for a bit. I don't know what's wrong with me. My dysphoria seems to be getting worse and it's only affecting me more as time goes by. I am seeing both a therapist and psychiatrist right now and have an appointment with both of them next week where I'll most likely start medication again. It just gets to me so badly especially since I've have depression for so long, you sort of give up and can't help but feel hopeless.

I know there's always the option of hospital and I've wanted to admit myself in a few times but I always feel like I'm not 'depressed' or 'suicidal' enough so I just let myself sit with the feelings and contemplate things. They do eventually pass after some sleep but they just come back in full force, it's like I'm slowly being killed inside every time and just building to a point where I'll eventually decide to go. I don't want to be too dark and grim as it's probably against the rules/ToS to mention some things but I'm sure you get what I mean. Thank you for the offer Jess, I'll keep that in mind. I really wanted to go off my head in frustration in my last post but it's probably better I do without the cursing and all.

Thanks for all the replies, support and advice. I read them all and appreciate every single one of them.

[iiMTF]

This is what always makes me feel better. It's my current favorite song Salute, but it's a cover by 8 year old Skye (my favorite singer) and 11 year old Sapphire (my second favorite singer, and Skye's older sister)

Sorry if I'm not allowed to post YouTube links-

[Evelyn K]

^^ And from me

[iiMTF]

^^ And from me

I like it!

[Felix]

I don't have any songs for you and I know you said you're doing better, but please don't continue to think that suicide is inevitable. Suffering doesn't have to have an upper limit and you don't have to have a breaking point. If you can't see happiness in your future, it's still important to hang on and go through the motions. Take steps you think might help and don't get discouraged if they don't. Eventually something will work, and things can get better bit by bit. You can't let giving up become an option. Do whatever it takes to hang on.

[Dandy Dunker]

Wow.Valleyrie you said everything that I feel and i'm usually pretty good with expressing myself. It's like we have been living the same life I know exactly what you feel, I really can't even put into words how much you described such a similar situation like my own it's astonishing. The twist is that i'm a female to male pre-transition transsexual. I hate walking into rooms knowing people will see me as a girl it makes me sick and I start school in a week and honestly I psychologically can't take the stress of school it puts me at an extreme state of anxiety and self hate and depression.

[Valleyrie]

Thanks everyone! I like those songs, music is so great I love it! I doubt I'd even be here if it wasn't for music. It's done so much for me and has shaped who I am as a person. Thanks for your words of encouragement Felix, I'd like to think like that but I guess that's what I hate. All I do is go through the motions and my depression is so debilitating. I'll try keep that in mind though.

Hey Dandy, I'm really sorry you're feeling similar to how I am. I hate people seeing me as a guy but I hate the fact that I have to put up with it and that I care so much. I know how stressful school can be, the reason I've just been doing nothing for almost 2 years is because I had to drop out of school. My mental health was severely deteriorating and I couldn't go on any longer as much as I wanted to. I tried home schooling after 6 months of being out of education but I'd even get overwhelmed and depressed over that... so I eventually quit after a week. It makes me sad that I'm missing out on so much and that everyone I went to school with is moving on in their lives whilst I'm just stuck here. I really wish there was a way for me to comfort you and ease your pain. Please try stay in school, it's so important and I know how silly that may sound from someone who dropped out but I hope you can. If you ever need to talk, I'm always here and you can talk to me about anything at all. Take care.

[Isabelle]

Hmmmm.
So much pain in your post OP. I'd like to suggest two things to you.
1. get some counselling and start some type of pharmaceutical therapy for depression. It will literally save your life.
Right now, you're in the bottom of a deep deep dark well. There's no way out. With counselling you can call for help from the bottom and with antidepressant meds, you can begin to fashion yourself a ladder.
It's a hard ladder to climb but it's worth it.
I liken depression to having a mind soaked in tar. You can try your utmost to think positive but, all thoughts will emerge covered in black.
Keep in your rational mind that even though it hurts, it's not real. It's a persistent illusion fed by chemistry. Hold on and let the chemestry change. Use antidepressants like soap, allow them to clean the tar from your thought processes and gradually, your mind will become clear.

2, read the book "full catastrophe living"
It will teach you the basics of mindfulness meditation and give you tools for dealing with the crippling nature of grinding, debilitating depression.

Never give up. Suicide isn't an option, it's an exit. Are you sure what comes after this is better? What if it's nothing? What if it's worse?

[Valleyrie]

Hey Isabelle, I really like your analogy. I've been in therapy for about 2 years now and I guess that's what makes me hopeless. Nothing seems to work but I have an appointment next week with my psychiatrist and I should be starting on different medication. I'll check that book out, I know some mindfulness techniques but I don't use them as much as I probably should.

I really appreciate all the replies, they've been keeping me occupied and allow me to take my mind off things for the moment.