After a lot of trouble, I've finally managed to socially transition. My stealthness was compromised at one job, but it's still there at the other one and I am confident that I can enter any situation comfortably as male without drawing any attention to myself. Those who are still in my life have accepted me, those who haven't accepted me are no longer a part of my life. "She" does not exist in any capacity, to anyone. So as far as I am concerned, my social transition is over.
Unexpectedly, however, I seem to be grieving as I realize all the struggles that I had to go through to get to this point. Really, I've never stopped fighting since about age 19. I was on the right path for a short time when I turned 18...I was gaining a lot of self-confidence, finding myself, and looking up ways to live as the man I am. I was shedding the fears and inhibitions that held me back from living my life. Everything was great! I had money, I had friends, I had confidence, I wasn't hurting anymore.
But then things went down a tough path. I won't get into details, but it's a lot of the common struggles of transition....denial, family, delays, self-doubt, fear, rejection, humiliation.
And now that I'm where I needed to get...it's hitting me just how much time of my life I have lost to these struggles. I kept up with my work, and my school, and did well enough. I knew that there is a risk of losing oneself to transition, and I did everything in my power to be so much more than this. But I failed, because surviving the process took everything I had. My emotional energy for the past 5 years has been consumed by daily fights with my family, by trying to handle social rejection/humiliation, and by trying to find peace with where my body is at, since this doesn't happen overnight.
Now that I've overcome these struggles I honestly don't know what to make of the last 5 years of my life. I don't even know what I like to do for fun because I've never had time for it. I had to push aside so much of who I am, so many of my hopes and dreams, so many of the friendships I could have had. And all I can do is cry. I know I have so much life ahead of me, and I should be working on making those years count. But realizing what I've had to go through just to live as myself breaks my heart, because it is unacceptable to me that my quality of life (emotionally mostly) was so poor for so long. I deserved so much more than that.
Now the question, really, is how to I go about getting that life for myself now. I don't even remember how because I'm so used to fighting.
