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I'm crying so hard right now

Started by Adam (birkin), August 25, 2014, 01:54:01 PM

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Adam (birkin)

After a lot of trouble, I've finally managed to socially transition. My stealthness was compromised at one job, but it's still there at the other one and I am confident that I can enter any situation comfortably as male without drawing any attention to myself. Those who are still in my life have accepted me, those who haven't accepted me are no longer a part of my life. "She" does not exist in any capacity, to anyone. So as far as I am concerned, my social transition is over.

Unexpectedly, however, I seem to be grieving as I realize all the struggles that I had to go through to get to this point. Really, I've never stopped fighting since about age 19. I was on the right path for a short time when I turned 18...I was gaining a lot of self-confidence, finding myself, and looking up ways to live as the man I am. I was shedding the fears and inhibitions that held me back from living my life. Everything was great! I had money, I had friends, I had confidence, I wasn't hurting anymore.

But then things went down a tough path. I won't get into details, but it's a lot of the common struggles of transition....denial, family, delays, self-doubt, fear, rejection, humiliation.

And now that I'm where I needed to get...it's hitting me just how much time of my life I have lost to these struggles. I kept up with my work, and my school, and did well enough. I knew that there is a risk of losing oneself to transition, and I did everything in my power to be so much more than this. But I failed, because surviving the process took everything I had. My emotional energy for the past 5 years has been consumed by daily fights with my family, by trying to handle social rejection/humiliation, and by trying to find peace with where my body is at, since this doesn't happen overnight.

Now that I've overcome these struggles I honestly don't know what to make of the last 5 years of my life. I don't even know what I like to do for fun because I've never had time for it. I had to push aside so much of who I am, so many of my hopes and dreams, so many of the friendships I could have had. And all I can do is cry. I know I have so much life ahead of me, and I should be working on making those years count. But realizing what I've had to go through just to live as myself breaks my heart, because it is unacceptable to me that my quality of life (emotionally mostly) was so poor for so long. I deserved so much more than that.

Now the question, really, is how to I go about getting that life for myself now. I don't even remember how because I'm so used to fighting.
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Athena

Short answer is find another goal to focus your fighting spirit on. Meanwhile find something you truly enjoy and do it. Experiment you are a new person.
Formally known as White Rabbit
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King Malachite

Quote from: White Rabbit on August 25, 2014, 01:59:17 PM
Short answer is find another goal to focus your fighting spirit on. Meanwhile find something you truly enjoy and do it. Experiment you are a new person.

I so agree with this ^

From what I've seen, it can be so easy to "get lost in transition" for so many years that we might not know what to do when we reach the "other side".  Having goals would be a good way to grow into your new-founded identity.  I can understand how "losing" those 5 years can be damaging emotionally.  You can mourn those years, but after that, use those experiences as even more of a reason to help spring yourself into where you would like to be.
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http://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,135882.0.html


"Sometimes you have to go through outer hell to get to inner heaven."

"Anomalies can make the best revolutionaries."
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Tysilio

Birkin, I hear you. It does hurt, when you get to a point where you can stop fighting, to realize what you've been through and how hard it was. I had a similar experience when I finally said, "Yeah, OK, I really am trans..." -- I felt such profound rage and pain for the way I'd lived and how I'd felt all my life that I just about couldn't handle it. (My therapist actually asked me, "Do we need to think hospitalization here?" but by then I'd figured out that no matter how much it hurt, I was probably going to survive...  )

Be proud. Be very proud of yourself. By fighting to be who you are, and persevering for so long in the face of -- well, everything we do face -- you've accomplished something few people ever achieve, and that's something to celebrate.

I'm still in the early stages of this process, but I understand the grieving over lost time. And I envy you more than a bit, not least because you're still pretty young from where I sit; you do have a lifetime to enjoy being the man you are, and for that guy to make a difference in this world.
Never bring an umbrella to a coyote fight.
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Ms Grace

Firstly, congrats on your major achievement. What you have struggled through these last several years and accomplished cannot be understated. Please don't think of them as wasted years, you have found and realised yourself, you are now who you feel yourself to be. Some people never accomplish that in their entire life.

It is quite common for people who are goal focused to find themselves feeling lost when their goal has been accomplished. "What now??" is a common question. I think you have already answered that though, you want to live your life and express yourself and have fun with it. If you put even a fraction of your energy into this new goal as you placed into your transition I'm sure you will exceed all expectations. :)
Grace
----------------------------------------------
Transition 1.0 (Julie): HRT 1989-91
Self-denial: 1991-2013
Transition 2.0 (Grace): HRT June 24 2013
Full-time: March 24, 2014 :D
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Edge

Those years, tough as they were, gave you experiences. Now it's time to experience new things. That's pretty exciting.
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stephaniec

wow, lost years, so you got purple feet from  all those grapes, just sit back and enjoy the superb vintage
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suzifrommd

Congrats, Caleb, on all your progress.

Can you take some of the pressure off yourself? Not to be so quick to push yourself onto the Next Thing, but just let life happen to you for a little while? You might find the Answers come to you.
Have you read my short story The Eve of Triumph?
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