Not looking forward to coming out

[Cin]

I feel like I have the best parents in the whole world. I've never been forced to do something I didn't want to do. I went through a huge identity crisis in my late teens, My friends and people around me (including my uncle) made me feel like I was a failure as a man. I tried to force myself to 'man up', my friends often made fun of me for being sensitive, emotional and meek. These days, I'm a lot more comfortable in my own skin. If another male asks me to prove my 'maleness', I'll happy pass, but this wasn't the case when I was younger, I'd jump at every opportunity to prove my manliness.

My uncle wanted to 'butch me up', he told a bunch of my relatives that I'm 'weak' and a 'wuss', and my mom came to my defense, and she suggested I don't care about what other people think. While she's perfectly fine with the way I am, she does want me to get mentally stronger, which is true because life is pretty hard.

When I was a kid, I'd scoff at girls and all things girly, but in reality, I was jealous of them and wanted to be more like them. I feel like that's the first thing she'll ask me about when I come out (Fully). I think my mom will find it harder to believe that I have GD because of that.

I don't fear coming out to her, because I know her well, and she won't kill me lol. She'd be pretty shocked, even though I don't think she's perfectly cool about transgender people, she's at least.... tolerant.... The least she'd do for me is to go seek help, hoping it will be 'cured' without any 'invasive' means. She'd be pretty happy if I went to therapy for a month and turned out all happy as a male. 

She's not completely in the dark, I've been cryptic about it, but she knows something's up.

I really wish I didn't have to put her through this, whether or not she will accept me or support me, I feel like I have to let her know someday. I'll just to have to convince her that I'll always be the same person. Besides, if she knew I was suffering, she'd want to know because she's my mom.

And that's why I feel that family is the worst part of being trans, I would not have made it this far without them, and I feel like I'd be stabbing them in the back. They will certainly question where they went wrong and blame themselves? That's what I fear the most.

[EllieM]

Coming out is scary. It's like turning on a light in a messy room. When you tell someone close to you that you are not exactly what you appear to be, and in fact, you are something other than what they have known you as, it can be rather shocking. My wife's voyage through the Kubler-Ross model was textbook; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. It took months. You really need to talk to a psychologist about this. There may be a strategy to lessen the blow, but you should also talk to one for yourself, your own needs. Often, things change and it can be unpleasant. I'm sure you have often heard this here, "the road we travel is difficult", to which I must add, "but not impassible." Good things arise from coming out, as well. First and foremost, the burden is lifted, the veil of duplicity begins to part. For me, that translated to lower stress level. I'm still not out at work, but I guess that will happen too. Hope this helps.

(((hugs)))
-ellie

[Christy]

Coming out was scarier than the first time I went out as a woman (which wasn't that long ago). Both were scary but coming out to family who knew me as a man for so long was the worst. The first time I came out to them it didn't go well. They didn't understand and they blamed me. Recently things have gone a bit smoother. Your family didn't go wrong because you are transgender. It's something you are born into and there's nothing anyone can do to stop it.

Be kind to yourself and don't blame yourself for being trans. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

[mrs izzy]

Scary is true.

Just living what would be the CIS normal life if we could is Scary.

I look at when i was pre out vs post out i take post out every single day. Life

So throw the chips in the air and let them land where they must.

You life and happiness. Others will get past there fears or will life in there own pre judgement.

Live life to who you know is true in your heart and soul.

Hugs

[Cin]

I'm still learning to accept myself. I don't want to put them through this, but I feel like I have no other choice. I feel like time is slipping away, but I know there's more time left.

[goldphantom]

I think its interesting that most trans* people worry about hurting their loved ones. They have to decide whether to live a life of misery and spare their loved ones feelings, or sacrifice their loved ones to the benefit of their own.

My biggest worry is that my parents will blame themselves for my suffering. Every time I wanted to do something feminine they said no. They said you can't do that, boys don't do that. I feel they will take it hard when they realize they denied me a large part of my childhood.

[Brenda E]

Coming out is scary.  It's like turning on a light in a messy room.

Ellie, I'm stealing that phrase from you.  It's awesome and sooooo true .

[Cin]

I think its interesting that most trans* people worry about hurting their loved ones. They have to decide whether to live a life of misery and spare their loved ones feelings, or sacrifice their loved ones to the benefit of their own.

My biggest worry is that my parents will blame themselves for my suffering. Every time I wanted to do something feminine they said no. They said you can't do that, boys don't do that. I feel they will take it hard when they realize they denied me a large part of my childhood.

I spent all my childhood at home, lol, didn't want to socialize with other kids. I'm still pretty much the same these days, but I have no choice but to go to school.

grrrrr.... I wish I didn't have to do this to my parents.

[androgynouspainter26]

I'm so sorry that you've had such a difficult journey, and that things seem bleak-I realize this is something of a trope for us at this point, but it really *does* get better.  Even the most rigid of parents can come around in time-my mother did, and I'm positively shocked.  If your parent loves you, even if it's beneath layers of hate and confusion, that will eventually surface-love is stronger than hate (there's another golden cliche for you!)  Transitioning-it's something you do for yourself.  It makes life harder for many people in your life, for sure, and your own life will get a lot harder very quickly.  But even on the worst of days-you'll feel authentic.  At least, I do now. 

If you are worried about how what you say will impact others, you might want to consider coming out via letter.  I did that to my mentor/theatre teacher before I graduated...she deserved to know, and I didn't want to shock her.  When you write, you get to choose exactly how the information is delivered.  Nobody needs to see you cry, and you'll be able to keep your thoughts calm and collected.  It might be easiest to come out in a carefully, kindly worded letter, and be prepared for a discussion after.  That way, you'll be able to make sure that you say it as gently as possible, and also as rationally as you can-both are equally important.

[Cin]

I'm so sorry that you've had such a difficult journey, and that things seem bleak-I realize this is something of a trope for us at this point, but it really *does* get better.  Even the most rigid of parents can come around in time-my mother did, and I'm positively shocked.  If your parent loves you, even if it's beneath layers of hate and confusion, that will eventually surface-love is stronger than hate (there's another golden cliche for you!)  Transitioning-it's something you do for yourself.  It makes life harder for many people in your life, for sure, and your own life will get a lot harder very quickly.  But even on the worst of days-you'll feel authentic.  At least, I do now. 

If you are worried about how what you say will impact others, you might want to consider coming out via letter.  I did that to my mentor/theatre teacher before I graduated...she deserved to know, and I didn't want to shock her.  When you write, you get to choose exactly how the information is delivered.  Nobody needs to see you cry, and you'll be able to keep your thoughts calm and collected.  It might be easiest to come out in a carefully, kindly worded letter, and be prepared for a discussion after.  That way, you'll be able to make sure that you say it as gently as possible, and also as rationally as you can-both are equally important.

I'm afraid of letters, because I fear It may be misconstrued and taken out of context. but you never know.

I'm pretty sure my parents will either accept me or at least 'tolerate' me, but I don't want them to face abuse and ridicule from other people around them because of me for the rest of their lives. It's pretty hard, and I don't think I can make both me and my parents happy.

I don't really care about what strangers think of me, because I'm no stranger to ridicule already, but I do care about my family a lot.

I am getting ready though.

[Ms Grace]

There's no doubt that the process of coming out (I chose "face to face" for my family, friends and work colleagues) can be scary - close to traumatic in how much fear it elicits but it is incredibly relieving to just get it out. Imagine carrying a large sack of crap on your shoulders that just weighs you down your whole life, no one else can see it until you tell them about it, effectively offloading that unwanted weight. The more people you tell the lighter it gets - the more important the people in your life that you tell the greater the load is relieved. I was scared to death of telling my folks... admittedly it went much better in than I expected... what a massive load off!! Relations with my father haven't been great since, but at some level I don't care because I've told him. Mending the fence is almost easy by comparison.

[Cin]

There's no doubt that the process of coming out (I chose "face to face" for my family, friends and work colleagues) can be scary - close to traumatic in how much fear it elicits but it is incredibly relieving to just get it out. Imagine carrying a large sack of crap on your shoulders that just weighs you down your whole life, no one else can see it until you tell them about it, effectively offloading that unwanted weight. The more people you tell the lighter it gets - the more important the people in your life that you tell the greater the load is relieved. I was scared to death of telling my folks... admittedly it went much better in than I expected... what a massive load off!! Relations with my father haven't been great since, but at some level I don't care because I've told him. Mending the fence is almost easy by comparison.

That is exactly how I feel.... thank you.

At this point, I don't even care if they accept me or not anymore, 'screw it, I'll just tell them no matter what happens later', I've had enough of keeping this secret for so long, it's very tiresome and drains away all my energy.  If something's making me unhappy, my mom should know!

[EllieM]

Ellie, I'm stealing that phrase from you.  It's awesome and sooooo true .

Take it! It's free

[awilliams1701]

Maybe its because Huntsville is such an open minded place, but it was a huge relief for me. I'm not hiding anything anymore. I have been full time on weekends for a while and will be 100% full time starting on Tuesday. I've gotten a few looks since I am not on HRT yet, but its been pretty positive overall. The worst part is two of my sisters will not accept me as Ashley, but they are still talking to me.

[Cin]

Maybe its because Huntsville is such an open minded place, but it was a huge relief for me. I'm not hiding anything anymore. I have been full time on weekends for a while and will be 100% full time starting on Tuesday. I've gotten a few looks since I am not on HRT yet, but its been pretty positive overall. The worst part is two of my sisters will not accept me as Ashley, but they are still talking to me.

Sometimes I wish I had a sister, sometimes I don't. lol. The stories I hear are always mixed.

[awilliams1701]

I've been pretty close to all 3 of them. At least one of me has her arms open. Unfortunately as a result of this issue I may only see the one at thanksgiving this year. The others are afraid that me wearing a dress will harm their children.
"I have to protect him/her."
"Protect them from what?"
"..."

[Cin]

I've been pretty close to all 3 of them. At least one of me has her arms open. Unfortunately as a result of this issue I may only see the one at thanksgiving this year. The others are afraid that me wearing a dress will harm their children.
"I have to protect him/her."
"Protect them from what?"
"..."

I have no idea why they'd protect their kids from you, seems pretty hurtful to say that. Hope your sisters accept you eventually.

[chronicle]

Cin, your story somehow relates strongly with mine so it could be your more non-binary like me. Altough I'm not even sure if thats what I am. I'm not a good at writing about my own emotions so its perhaps not that clearly explained tough. But if I read your story I feel a lot of things I felt too.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,172252.0.html

[awilliams1701]

me too.
They are trying to use religious reasons, but I honestly don't even think trans is in the bible. Me being a lesbian on the other hand yes, but not as much as gay. However there are a lot of things in the bible that we ignore today. Some of them are even right next to the anti-gay part. One that shocked me is that you can't wear different fabrics together. That's in Leviticus apparently.

[Cin]

Cin, your story somehow relates strongly with mine so it could be your more non-binary like me. Altough I'm not even sure if thats what I am.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,172252.0.html

You should see my other thread too, "I don't really like feminine things" or something like that I posted a few days ago. I do see things in your story that I can relate too, and maybe you can see things in my thread that resonate with you too.