I Been in Severe Depression in the Last 48 Hours or So.

[JohannaJohn]

Hi to my friends here, I am very sad to say I have thought a lot in the last 48 hours of jumping from the 8th (top) floor of where I live.  I know I said I would post almost nothing publicly, but I have enough great friends here that I probably should tell you about this...

In part this stems from a severe dispute with a former friend that I fronted expense money to, in a vicious divorce battle that he has here in Colombia, that has raged on for 8 years, and I volunteered about 250 hours of my professional time and work time to help my former friend out, there have been death threats against him by his ex-wife.  This has occurred in 2013 and 2014.  This former friend of mine is American, and he currently lives in the United States.  He offered me a small commission if there could ever be a successfully resolution to the divorce case, but my idea of this was to get it resolved within a few months in 2013 mostly as a favor to him.  Well, in the meantime, 2 armed thugs physically visited the secretary of the lawyer we had been using and threatened to kill her and her boss if the attorney continued to work on the case for my former friend.  This occurred in June.  In June this attorney said he has had to hire a bodyguard 24/7.  He might be lying, but he might be telling the truth, because this attorney hasn't responded to phone calls or emails since June.

So my former friend now needs a new attorney.  Because of the death threats against this attorney's secretary, by armed thugs who clearly identified themselves as "representing" my former friend's ex-wife, I want out.  Effective immediately.  This is too risky for me, and my beautiful daughter.  And also because I never "signed up" for hundreds and hundreds of hours of work time (now about 250 hours of work and counting), indefinitely into the future for years and years (now 2013 and 2014 and counting) to come, with no end in sight.  The stack of divorce papers is something like 4 inches thick (10 cm)...I kid you not.

I fronted to my friend several hundred dollars of travel expense money and legal expense money here in Colombia, all related to his case.  He paid several hundred dollars of bills for me inside the United States.  The amount of money approximately offset each other...

But now he says he won't reimburse MY money that I spend on his case here.  I just want out -- I told him to consider the huge 250 hours of work time I have done in 2013 and 2014 as a great favor to a friend -- but I insist he repay to me MY money, my hard-earned money, on HIS legal expenses and other travel expenses, notary expenses, etc., related to his case.  He absolutely refuses.  So he starting to try to criminally extort this amount of money from me.

Yesterday he called the cousin of my ex-Colombian-wife, the mother of my beautiful daughter, and said various things trying to cause dissension between my ex-wife and me.  My ex-wife severely emotionally abused me in 2007 and 2008, and we have been separated since 2008, and we still to work out visits okay, school days for my daughter, etc., ok.  But because of this harassing phone call by my now ex-friend to try and stir up trouble between the mother of my daughter and me that he committed yesterday, I am now having some new problems with my ex-wife.  I was able to calm her down successfully, but it took me more than an hour on the phone last night and I am under a severe work load now at the University with some mid-term and final exams I must write about 12 to 16 exams in the next 24 to 36 hours.

I cannot work well when I am under severe psychological stress and emotional stress.

My ex-friend has said he will continue to harass me and people I know in Colombia.  I told him this is MY money I spent on his expenses.  I just sent him an email saying this is probably criminal extortion and criminal harassment over a small civil matter of around $500 or so, and that the F.B.I. of the United States might be interested in hearing about it, because he is making these harassing phone calls against me, a US Citizen, from inside the United States.  Somewhere, there is a permanent record of yesterday's phone call he told me he made to Colombia from inside the United States.  This would be easily trackable by US Law Enforcement.

Because I think that because conditions changed, and our agreement didn't call for me to be involved receiving death threats in Colombia, nor working for 10 years into the future on an endless legal case wherein his ex-wife is a criminal thug.  I told him never mind any compensation for my approximately 250 hours of work time, just pay me back MY money that I spent on his case, by offsetting it with the almost exact amount of bills he paid for me inside the United States.  I can turn his legal paperwork over to any new attorney he wants in Colombia.

But even today he has threatened me some more via email.  Well, there is a permanent record of that.

I even told him that he could hire professional contract killers to kill me, since this is easily done in Colombia, and he still has plenty of contacts in Colombia since he lived here for 8 years.  But I told him that if he does so, he will face murder charges in the United States, and there is no stature of limitations on murder.

I also wrote by email to him that if I jump from the 8th floor here, I will already be dead anyway, so his contract killers would have nobody to kill, but that maybe he might get whatever psychological satisfaction he seeks, because I would be dead in any case.

Another reason I have considered jumping in the last 48 hours is that I feel isolated and rejected and lack of trust by many people here.  I have only wanted to share my happiness of my female journey here -- I have some great BFF's here, who are privately helping me through this crisis.  And most of you here have been very supportive of me.  I will NEVER forget this, if I continue to be around...

Riding to work at the university at 5 40 am this morning on the back of a "motorcycle taxi" -- yes, we have those here -- I just kept thinking of all this pain and conflict, and that it might be nice if the motorcycle would simply crash, at high speed --  I was only the passenger, not the driver, so I couldn't accomplish this, fortunately I suppose.

I am probably bipolar, with a strong tendency toward euphoria.  But now I am in depression.

Things in my life seemed so different last week, when I felt euphorically happy, about nearly everything in my life, including my great transition to female.

I NEVER imagined that these female hormones could amplify my emotions SO strongly, because these hormones have changed my brain chemistry, and I am having some major challenges in handling these new super-strong-emotions, both positive emotions and feelings, and negative emotions and feelings.

I am SO sorry if am troubling anyone by posting this publicly.  Maybe this has been a mistake...I seem to be making a lot of mistakes in my life, in the last 2 or 3 days...

Your friend,
Johanna.

[JohannaJohn]

Here is most of an email my sister in the United States just sent me...she is a wonderful sister, we are very close...she doesn't know about my transition yet and she is far away from me in the United States, so she called me a "man" in this email, which doesn't bother me, since she doesn't know about my transition yet...

EMAIL FROM 5 MINUTES AGO FROM MY SISTER:

I don't think you are bipolar....at any rate....get yourself some sleep.  Do you ever use a sleep aid like melatonin?  Or, sometimes I've used Benedryl and I've used tylenol PM....don't use it for a nap though, you'll be groggy.  Sleep is really important, but I am sure that you know that.

Don't stress too much over your exam.  Just go over stuff you've covered in class.  Every once in awhile a professor gives a not so hot exam and does it really matter in the long run...no.  Your students are learning and at such a fast pace!

I wake up in the middle of the night and start thinking about stuff...esp if I have a lot on my mind...I think that that is pretty normal for most people.  I think as we get older we need less sleep anyway.

I'd make an appointment with a doctor to talk about all of this.  It is really important.  Sloan used to always say he liked a check up from the neck up once in awhile.....luckily mental health is more understood and is less ostracized as in the old days.    I saw a therapist once...for a few times...gave me some suggestions...

Remember, our parents gave us a gift...they gave us life.  Even though they aren't here anymore, I feel like it would be a waste to squander that.  You have a beautiful little girl who is precocious and smart and delightful.  You are a lucky man.  Everyone carries around a little baggage....she makes it all worth while.

People used to ask me how I 'survived' our crazy childhood.  I tell them because I had my brother.  I could count on him to be there.  I love you too.  You've had a rough couple of years....lets just get Nicole grown and then we can figure out the rest.

I do care.  Alot.

WOW AM I FORTUNATE TO HAVE SUCH A GREAT SISTER.  She makes me feel a little less depressed right now.  I cannot smile, but she makes me feel less depressed.

I hope maybe some of my friends here, have a sister, who is as great as my sister.

I hope she accepts me still when I tell her I am female.  We will see, but I have confidence that she will.

Now I have some tears.

Your friend,
Johanna.

[iiMTF]

I've always wanted a sister...

[suzifrommd]

I think you're smart to get out of this situation. Unless you have a legal way to get your money back, you may have to consider it a loss, since he doesn't look like he's going to pay voluntarily.

I think you probably have a better idea of what's eating you than your sister does, but she's right that everything works better when you get some sleep.

Hugs, Johanna. Keep doing what you think is right.

[Jess42]

You may just have to chalk it up to the old saying, "never lend friends or family money." Or unless you want to consider it a gift more often than not.

[JohannaJohn]

Thanks all, I am feeling a little better in the last 20 minutes.

I also polished my nails, which usually relaxes me. 

Not out of this yet, but definitely a little better at the moment.

Johanna.

[stephaniec]

well,  this is quite terrible especially for someone 56 years old with a very young daughter. I'm 63 , I'd probably would end up in the psyche ward of  a hospital fearing for mine and my daughters lives.

[Stephanie2]

It sounds like a like of heavy stuff that makes what I have gone through in my life look like Sesame Street. Sorry to hear all that, Johanna! I hope that things get better for you. At least you have a great sister!

Hugs,
Stephanie

[Mark3]

If you are as suicidal as you say, you really need to stop whatever your doing and worrying about, and call the hotline, of go to an ER and tell them you're suicidal and need help.. Please do it for your daughter, you family, and your friends here..
I'm so so sorry for your pain..

[Allyda]

If you are as suicidal as you say, you really need to stop whatever your doing and worrying about, and call the hotline, of go to an ER and tell them you're suicidal and need help.. Please do it for your daughter, you family, and your friends here..
I'm so so sorry for your pain..

I think she's feeling a little better. I'm in touch with her on Skype right now. She had some students for a class during the last hour or so. She is feeling a little better everyone and should be back on here shortly.

Ali

[Mark3]

I think she's feeling a little better. I'm in touch with her on Skype right now. She had some students for a class during the last hour or so. She is feeling a little better everyone and should be back on here shortly.

Ali

Great news..
Thank Ali..

[FrancisAnn]

Nothing is worth ending your life!!! I repeat nothing. Chill, regroup, take some pills & get some sleep, talk with someone like our group...........

But take care of yourself first & live for another day.

[mrs izzy]

If you are as suicidal as you say, you really need to stop whatever your doing and worrying about, and call the hotline, of go to an ER and tell them you're suicidal and need help.. Please do it for your daughter, you family, and your friends here..
I'm so so sorry for your pain..

As someone that has been there done that i will say i am now at the end of my transition.

Never would have been here with out the help of my therapist, staff at the local hospital and community mentors.

Get to your therapist and Doctor and see if maybe you need to balance out your meds?

Hugs and as said above, great advice.

[JohannaJohn]

You gals are wonderful...I am MUCH better again...I can now smile again...

Teaching my students tonight helped, as I love teaching, and I am blessed with a natural gift for teaching...

Ally has probably saved my life....I am okay enough now, I feel that it is all worth it, I have survived the daytime today, and now tonight I have my enthusiasm back...

Some of you great gals here PM'd me or contacted me via email or skype etc...you have touched my heart -- I never want to leave you...

I know I have some emotional issues to work out -- in part it is these hormones, it is very hard for me to control my feelings now...

I am still not ready to give advice to anyone now...my mental condition is not quite good enough for that -- so if anyone here needs MY help again, please wait for me to get totally better, and I can help again to other girls who want my help and inspiration --

I still probably won't post much publicly for awhile, but privately I feel safe, to share my feelings with many of you gals.

Ally dear, you have told me how others here saved your life when you first joined...

Sister, you have saved mine.  I think I will be mostly okay now, not quite up to full emotional strength yet, but rapidly improving...

God and Karma and nature will reward you, Ally -- as it will for those of you here who saved Ally's life many months ago here --

I am not quite well enough yet to help others in this way yet, it might a little be while yet for me to have that feeling of totally emotionally fit.

I have been not mentally and emotionally fit since Monday to do my work totally well...I was on time for all my classes at the Unversity, and private clients, but I lacked my usual vigor because I was in severe depression --

Plus I am going to be late on writing a bunch of original mid-term exams and final exams that the Academic Coordinators require all the Professors to do....I hope to be able to complete this maybe by Friday...if my bosses ask me why I am late, and here in Colombia sometimes you can be a little late on some projects, and it isn't necessarily a total disaster as it usually is in the USA and Canada, lateness is a sort of "cultural habit" here in Colombia...but if my bosses ask, I will simply have to tell them I had some "major family and personal health issues" and sorry for the delay of a couple of days.  I won't tell them suicide risk, because that could jeopardize my employment.  Actually, it is true to say it that way, since my mental health -- or lack thereof -- since Monday -- is part of my overall health. 

Now, since I have gotten much better in the last 3 hours or so, I just want to give a great big HUG to you gals who have supported me through all this...

I have smiled again in the last 2 hours.  Ally made me laugh again.

Ally has publicly stated that she has been in contact with me, so this is why I am publicly thanking her.  To protect the privacy of other gals who have helped me get my smiles back, I won't publicly name names, but you know who you are, those of you great gals, who, along with Ally, have made it so I live another day...

And my daughter has a great future again, because her "Maddy" (Mommy/Daddy) who is Johanna, feels again that all is worth it ---



I am going to give one piece of advice, though, here, to share this experience with any newer girls here, or those girls who might be considering HRT...

"You may end up being shocked and amazed at how strong these hormones are mentally and emotionally.  These hormones will very possibly change your brain chemistry, your feelings, and your physical body.  Be sure you have a great support network in place BEFORE you start HRT.  Because if you don't, the emotional swings could, literally, KILL you."

This is enough for now.  I am mostly okay now.  I am not yet totally well, but my brightness is returning, and I have laughed and smiled again in these last 2 hours.

Thank you girls, for helping to save my life during these 2 or 3 days.  I will NEVER forget your great favor to me.

Your friend,
Johanna.

[JohannaJohn]

Thank you so much Isabel, yes I may need some adjustment in the area you mentioned.

These emotions are incredibly powerful.

Your friend,
Johanna.

[Allyda]

I'm happy your feeling better Johanna.  Yes, taking a step back from the public forum for a while sometimes can be theraputic. Many times I'll take a few days off from posting and just sit back and read posts rather than respond or begin any threads. Anyhoo, I'm happy I was able to help.

Ali

[JohannaJohn]

Thanks Ally.  It is the pre-dawn dark here 5 25 am, yet I see a bright day ahead.  I love to teach, and I will travel via motorcycle taxi to the university, and I look forward to teaching my students early this morning.  I will first walk to the apartment of the mother of my daughter, my ex, to give orange juice and an apple for the school snack today for her school.

Your friend,
Johanna.

[Stephanie2]

Thanks, Ali, for a happy ending with Johanna.

Hugs,
Stephanie

[Allyda]

Thanks, Ali, for a happy ending with Johanna.

Hugs,
Stephanie

No problem hun. I was just happy I could help. And happy she didn't do anything foolish.

Ally