I hace serious question about SO's and their devotion to your transitioning

[Evelyn K]

It seems the prevailing thought around these parts is the SO who decides to leave due to your transitioning is somehow the villain.

Can anyone edumacate me on why this is so?

TIA

[Joanna Dark]

I neither have nor would I date a woman unless she was pretty butch, but yeah I feel ya and demand some answers. Just kidding on that last part, but it's a sensitive topic. Apparently. I date this girl once, engaged actually (she proposed to me), and she left me cause of my intersex condition basically and because "she wanted a man." But she knew what she was getting into, and I still understand why she left and all I wanted was to remain friends. Instead she dated some guy who beat me up for being a queer. And so me and the maid of honor (who also had a history with this neanderthal) decided to get together, kinda. We just messed around alot. Funny stuff. But I never begrudged my ex even though there was no trans bomb dropped on her, the "it was just a phase" bomb was dropped on me. Yeah a three and half year phase.

[alabamagirl]

Well, depends on the situation. I'm not terribly impressed with the SOs who take their partner's transition as some giant personal insult and then proceed to behave abusively or wage a big, ugly divorce war. But I don't have any negative feelings about the ones who decide to leave because they're not attracted to their partner's transitioning gender, or they just can't deal with it or relate to their partner anymore and don't resort to nasty behaviour.

It's a case by case basis.

[Rachel]

Nothing is permanent and sometimes relationships end. Some end well and others end poorly. The relationships that end poorly, the parties are hurt and have been hurt. Each side portrays the other as a villain. Transitioning is just one type of marital difficulty in a marriage.

My wife forgave me for hiding I am trans*. She adjusted to me on HRT. If she did not I told her I would walk away. She said she would take everything and I said she could have it, her choice. I own the lie, excuses aside. She did not sign on or agree to a lesbian relationship with a bi-sexual MTF Transsexual.

[Evelyn K]

If I'm hetero and married to a woman, and she decides she wants to cut her hair short, grow a beard and body hair, smell like male B.O. and sport a deep voice - am I somehow supposed to feel guilty for being repulsed and denying this person my sympathy for her wanting to explore her masculine side?

[Joanna Dark]

If I'm hetero and married to a woman, and she decides she wants to cut her hair short, grow a beard and body hair, smell like male B.O. and sport a deep voice - am I somehow supposed to feel guilty for being repulsed and denying this person my sympathy for her wanting to explore her masculine side?

Well other than the short hair, I have short hair, in fact some guy told me how great I look with it and then tried to get my number (okay I just wanted to brag lol jk), uh, yeah pretty much exactly. Really for me, I think it's the lies, unless you have some late onset transsexualism, which then you weren't lying. But even then you can't expect someone to stick around for such a drastic change. At least sexually. But I'm young and stupid and no nothing about marriage so I should maybe shut up lol

[Rachel]

No, you should not have guilt as to how you feel.

Sympathy is an emotion often overridden by stronger emotions. I think in retrospect fear and anger trump sympathy. So in a disclosure situation sympathy may not be something able to be expressed. If the SO fell off a ladder and broke their back and was unable to move the SO my have sympathy and still divorce.

[Evelyn K]

Nothing is permanent and sometimes relationships end. Some end well and others end poorly. The relationships that end poorly, the parties are hurt and have been hurt. Each side portrays the other as a villain. Transitioning is just one type of marital difficulty in a marriage.

My wife forgave me for hiding I am trans*. She adjusted to me on HRT. If she did not I told her I would walk away. She said she would take everything and I said she could have it, her choice. I own the lie, excuses aside. She did not sign on or agree to a lesbian relationship with a bi-sexual MTF Transsexual.

You can sure bet a wholesale betrayal of your identify to your partner would become a marital difficulty.

Integrity
Honesty
Loyalty
Trust
Respect
Commitment
Compatibility

All these things come to mind when accepting vows.

[Rachel]

Agreed.

As well as adultery and gambling addiction.

[stephaniec]

I know its very difficult for me to understand any blame on the wife what so ever for some  one to spring this after the fact.

[Evelyn K]

^^ Which is why I have no respect or sympathy for the transitioner in this situation. You reap what you sow.

[Rachel]

The SO had no blame in the lie; however, how an individual conducts themselves after disclosure is of consequence. The situation may be destine to divorce and the situation is wholly owned by the transgender person but adults can behave civilly (understanding the initial shock is a very emotional period). Sympathy and guilt aside if the marriage is doomed then end it swiftly and with grace.

[Evelyn K]

The SO had no blame in the lie; however, how an individual conducts themselves after disclosure is of consequence. The situation may be destine to divorce and the situation is wholly owned by the transgender person but adults can behave civilly (understanding the initial shock is a very emotional period). Sympathy and guilt aside if the marriage is doomed then end it swiftly and with grace.

It should end swiftly and with grace, and with a payout of some sort for wasting their life and time.

[Rachel]

Agreed.

[Rachel]

My wife did not sign on to the situation. I expected divorce. I gave her 5 options:

Divorce, uncontested.
Open marriage,
separation,
staying married,
suicide

She married a morbidly obese, alcoholic, drug using, smoking unaffectionate socially introverted person. I am straight edge, BMI 26 outgoing and at times happy trans female. I adore my wife and child and provide a very comfortable life for them. I was serious about the options and she chose to be with me. I purchase a size 8.5 wedding wing, I never wore the size 10 ring and asked if she would marry me she said yes. I am wearing the ring and proud to.

Just as a SO carries no guilt or blame, should be compensated in a divorce for loss and may not show compassion a SO may show why they were married in the first place.

[iiMTF]

edumacate

A little off topic but... edumacate. Best. Word. Ever.

[Ravensong]

My Wife and I are getting divorced, indirectly because of my being trans.  I had issues that caused a lot of strife and we finally did a trial separation.  it was during that trial separation that I found out (with her help actually) that I was trans.  Though we decided to go through with a divorce, because she wanted to be with a masculine man (which is what we both thought she was signing up for, being a Marine and all), but remains my best friend.  I still wish we were together, but i understand why we aren't and am glad that she is supporting me as much as she can through my transition.

[Jenna Marie]

I *don't* think they're the villain, and my wife has huge issues with that when it comes up.  (Someone just recently said that you should love your spouse unconditionally, and how could a wife walk away if that were true? It drove her batty. Sometimes so much changes that it's not possible to be attracted to/romantic about this person anymore, is how.)

That said, I never lied about a thing. I told my wife within a week when I figured this out about myself, and did my best to keep communicating throughout. As a result, she says she never felt betrayed, and we both feel that the loyalty and commitment remain (actually, the bond between us is stronger than ever). So not every trans person's story is one of betrayal and lies, either.

[Handy]

If I'm hetero and married to a woman, and she decides she wants to cut her hair short, grow a beard and body hair, smell like male B.O. and sport a deep voice - am I somehow supposed to feel guilty for being repulsed and denying this person my sympathy for her wanting to explore her masculine side?

I know personally speaking, were Muffinpants to suddenly decide she wanted to transition to a guy, it would make almost no difference to me; I fell in love with her as a person, not the way she looks or what's in her pants. We began the relationship right from the start with very egalitarian intentions, absolutely no gender roles, and in mutual agreement that gender policing of any kind was a moral wrong. With that in mind, I'd certainly feel guilty if her being masculine somehow disgusted me (hell, she already doesn't shave her armpits or legs, and I'm just indifferent), but then again I'm not a very physical person and I'm not really attracted/averse to male or female, and could easily be with a man or a woman romantically. So... I guess my situation isn't the best to compare to; my ultimate point is: I do believe in scenarios when the SO ditching is, ultimately, wrong, but of course I can't get into people's heads and what is very easy for me might be nigh impossible for another.

I guess in my long, meandering, ultimately pointless post I was trying to convey the fact I wish more people could have a relationship where there are no expectations/worries beyond mutual love and respect.

[Paige]

It should end swiftly and with grace, and with a payout of some sort for wasting their life and time.

Evelyn so all the happy times I spent with my family were a waste of my wife's time.  All the things we accomplished together a waste?  Raising healthy, happy children, a waste?  Marriage isn't reaching the finish line, it's the process, the good and the bad.  If I ever decide to transition and she doesn't want to be with me anymore, that doesn't negate everything that came before.

I think you're just a tad too black and white with your pronouncement.  Try to realize there's a lot of gray in this world.

Take care,
Paige