I apologise for being late to this, but something you said got me thinking. I also apologise in advance for the rambly nature of what I'm about to say because this is largely a stream of consciousness.
Anyhow, with regard to this:
Quote from: RockerGirl on August 28, 2014, 08:50:54 PM
I have no friends or family to get this out too because they all buy the perfectly constructed LIE. I put that in bold because I hate myself for it so much now. I know people suspect stuff, especially my mom cuz she caught me taking her stuff when I was younger. But I didn't want to disappoint my parents, which sounds so stupid right now typing it. It feels so dumb but I never like to hurt them and always tried to make them proud.
This really made me think. About whether we should really hate ourselves for this, and where it comes from. And I'd like to share a few of my thoughts and maybe put forward an argument for why you, or anyone else, shouldn't hate themselves for making these sorts of choices.
I think that, for most if not all humans, it comes down to love. We love to be loved. We love to be needed, and wanted, and appreciated, you know? It's like a basic human need or something. And for a lot of trans people, for large parts of our lives, the one person in our lives who absolutely doesn't love us, is ourselves. There's a void. Filled with dark, crawly things, and whispered hate for who we are. Even when we don't know
why. In fact, especially when we don't know why. All we know is that we don't fit in, we don't value ourselves and what we're capable of doing because, for some inexplicable reason, it just feels all wrong. And when we see those around us seemingly oblivious to these feelings, we internalise that and blame ourselves for being this way. We start to hate who we are without knowing why.
There is no love. No self worth.
And because of that, we look for external sources of love. For those around us to tell us we're worth something, and they're proud of us, and they need us and want us, and we're actually good for something. To be that little voice inside which until now has just been seething and venomous. There can be fewer greater sources of love and a feeling of being wanted and appreciated than that which comes from a parent for their child. And it seems to me that it is not stupid to want to not disappoint them. It is not dumb to want them to be proud of you. To do whatever you need to do to love and be loved by those around you. To have that need satisfied.
And because of that, I do not think you should hate yourself for wanting that, at a time when you did not know a lie was a lie. You just knew it might not be the truth. They are not the same thing.
Sweetie, you just wanted to be loved, and wanted, and appreciated. Maybe at a time when you felt none of this for yourself. You needed to fill the void. To feel whole. And this is neither dumb, stupid, or anything you should feel remotely bad about or for.
As I say, often we only know a lie is a lie when we finally understand the truth and what that actually is. A lot of people say that hindsight is a wonderful thing, but I think sometimes it can be a curse. It leads us to regrets and things we wish we'd done as the person we are. When, as the person we were, we did what we felt was right at the time. And in all likelihood, would do again with the same information, in the same time and place.
What matters now is that you DO know the truth. You can start to love yourself, to understand what's wrong, and how you can make it right, for you.
So, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't think you deserve to feel bad about the choices you made based on the needs you had, sweetie. I think you were trying to survive in a world where you felt something was missing within yourself but you didn't know what it was, and wanted to find solace in those around you. And, well, I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I think it makes you just as vulnerable, and beautiful, as the rest of us.
*extra big hug*
So try not to be so hard on yourself, okay?
