Dysphoria and Cowardice

[MessyBrain]

Hi, I'm posting hoping for a little bit of advice from anyone who can relate to any of this.

Basically, I feel like my dysphoria is ramping up massively. I can't get through the small every day kind of things without dysphoria factoring in somewhere.  I'm getting days where I feel every single second of my life being wasted because I'm doing nothing about it, and others where I just don't want to leave the house at all because of the way I look and feel, and then others where I just tell myself to get a grip and go about the day as if nothing's wrong.

I'm going into my honours year of University and in under 1 year from now I'll be pushed out from the "safe zone" of being a student into adulthood. The thing is, I feel like it's all pointless. If I'm male, I'm going to be unhappy no matter my plans or career, so if unhappiness is certain then what is the point of anything? I'm already low on motivation, but this puts me at rock bottom aspiration wise.

The worst thing? I'm completely aware that the only person standing in the way is me. I know exactly who I need to speak to to seek help, exactly the help I need and I've studied the treatment protocol for my country as if I was writing a paper on it. But still, I do nothing. I've made plans in the past to try and get to a therapist, planned my coming out and what I want to say, but I still don't do anything. I'm too scared of .. pretty much everything. Appearance, reactions, career, socialising - you name it. I can't even put into words most of the stuff I want to say because I don't know how to describe it.

So yeah, I can't even be a "victim", because the blame is solely on me for wasting my own time. I sort of wish I hadn't even discovered it was possible to treat gender dysphoria, at least then I wouldn't be able to realistically think "What if..". The fact I didn't instantly seek therapy when I discovered treatment was possible sort of makes me question myself too.


Sorry for the whine. Does any of this sound typical of dysphoria?

[Ms Grace]

Hey Messy Brain

Welcome to Susan's Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.

Yes, you have gender dysphoria. No, your inertia is not a form of that dysphoria. It is fear. Which is understandable, actually doing something about your dysphoria - whether it is pursuing transition or even just opening up and talking about that and how you feel is scary as heck. You've said yourself you know what you should/could be doing. You acknowledge you are the roadblock. Congrats on signing up here to talk about it - you've taken your first step out of inertia. I would recommend you talk to a counsellor, presumably one is available through your university? Hopefully they can help you plan what to do and how to go about it.

Please check out the following links for general site info...

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Age and the Forum
  
• Reputation rules
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy
  

Cheers

Grace

[mrs izzy]

First off welcome MessyBrain to Susan's family,

We all can totally relate and understand where you are. Not a fun place to be for sure.

Dysphoria, thou are a witch. well you know what i mean.

If i was you and it will be just a small way out of the procrastination is to find a gender therapist and start therapy.

This is like a 2 fold thing, it will help ease the dysphoria some at the same time work on what your path will be moving forward. Diagnosis is a great tool on understanding the treatment plan that fits your Diagnosis.

Not a big step but a step.

Safe passage on your path, popcorn?

Izzy

[Sephirah]

Sweetie, listen, the first thing I'm going to say to you is this:

Don't blame yourself for being scared. I mean it. The way you're feeling, the things you're considering, are huge life changes. They are. And your mind is trying to keep you in your comfort zone by injecting fear when you think about stepping out of it. It happens to the best of us. It's part of an ancient defence mechanism designed to stop us getting eaten by sabretooth cats the size of a small car. And it's very powerful.

It isn't a question of blame. It's simply that fear of the unknown making it hard for you. It happens. Even with a will of iron.

The thing to do is to try and not focus on the mountain you think you have to climb, and all the variables that come with that. I know sometimes we think that the process is a chain reaction of things you have to factor in all at once. And god, that can be a scary prospect. You feel like once you take one foot forward you're on a downhill slope that just makes you feel like you're speeding up out of control.

It doesn't have to be like that, though. If you focus on one thing at a time, it makes stuff far easier to deal with. There's no "ohmygodIhavetodothisandthisandthisand... *hyperventilates*"

Consider the first step in your plan. The one to see a therapist. How about just focusing on that one? Forget the rest, for the moment, and just think about taking that one step. It doesn't obligate you to do anything further, just have a chat with someone about how you're feeling, what kinds of options are open to you, just find out more about what kinds of things you want for yourself, you know? IF you want to take things further after that, then cross that bridge when you come to it. But in the immediate future, maybe just focus your attention on getting that first appointment set up, finding someone you like the look of, thinking about stuff you want to talk about and questions you may have. Does that sound possible?

Once again, don't be so hard on yourself for feeling scared of what might happen, sweetie. That's millions of years of evolution trying to keep you safe. It can be a good thing, in some cases. But it doesn't have to control you. Take it one step at a time, manageable things you think might possibly be within your scope to handle. Makes the whole thing a little less daunting.

*extra big hug*

[Jessica Merriman]

Baby, my sister Sephirah above me saved my life almost a year ago. I went from scared, depressed and no will to go on to happy, full time and living every day to the fullest. She speaks the truth and you would be wise to follow her counsel. She is wise and we are all here to support you and lift you up when you fall, which you will occasionally. It is not an easy road to take, but the rewards are more than you could ever imagine!! 

[MelissaSegebarth]

I'd like this thank Messy Brian for this post.
I too am feeling the same way, but at a different part of my life. I am now 50 years old, divorced, with two wonderful kids. I too am looking around for a therapist so I can start my journey I just signed up on Susan's today to help find advice, motivation, and support for this journey.

I am scared as hell right now about coming out to my family especially my children. It scares me to think that they might think less of me if I follow what I feel inside of me. Thank you for let me get this off my chest. I look so forward to receiving the support that I do need from this group.
Hugs and kisses to everybody!!

[Cin]

Hi, I'm posting hoping for a little bit of advice from anyone who can relate to any of this.

Basically, I feel like my dysphoria is ramping up massively. I can't get through the small every day kind of things without dysphoria factoring in somewhere.  I'm getting days where I feel every single second of my life being wasted because I'm doing nothing about it, and others where I just don't want to leave the house at all because of the way I look and feel, and then others where I just tell myself to get a grip and go about the day as if nothing's wrong.

I have dysphoria too, it's bad, but it doesn't seem to affect my studies, but if you feel like it is interfering with important, every day work, then I'd suggest a gender therapist, like many here have suggested me.

I'm going into my honours year of University and in under 1 year from now I'll be pushed out from the "safe zone" of being a student into adulthood. The thing is, I feel like it's all pointless. If I'm male, I'm going to be unhappy no matter my plans or career, so if unhappiness is certain then what is the point of anything? I'm already low on motivation, but this puts me at rock bottom aspiration wise.

The worst thing? I'm completely aware that the only person standing in the way is me. I know exactly who I need to speak to to seek help, exactly the help I need and I've studied the treatment protocol for my country as if I was writing a paper on it. But still, I do nothing. I've made plans in the past to try and get to a therapist, planned my coming out and what I want to say, but I still don't do anything. I'm too scared of .. pretty much everything. Appearance, reactions, career, socialising - you name it. I can't even put into words most of the stuff I want to say because I don't know how to describe it.

I know how you feel and what you're going through, I have the same fears as well. I often feel at loss for words too.

So yeah, I can't even be a "victim", because the blame is solely on me for wasting my own time. I sort of wish I hadn't even discovered it was possible to treat gender dysphoria, at least then I wouldn't be able to realistically think "What if..". The fact I didn't instantly seek therapy when I discovered treatment was possible sort of makes me question myself too.


Sorry for the whine. Does any of this sound typical of dysphoria?

I think therapy comes first, and treatment comes later. A good therapist will help you understand what you need.

By the way, I blame myself too, for being trans.... for having dysphoria.... for not trying to make myself happier by helping myself. It's not just you, you worry about your family and friends, and I think it's a phase that everyone goes through on their way to transition(if that is what is right for you),

[MessyBrain]

Thank you all for replying. Sorry I didn't respond earlier. I've tried to talk about this before and ran away so I'm going to try and not do that again.

@Sephirah, thanks so much for taking the time to write all that out. It really made me feel better, but I still feel like someone has to shoulder the blame for me being in this position and there's nobody to rationally blame but me.

Anyway, I know my first step is an appointment with my GP, so I just need to be able to talk in person without stuttering or completely blanking out like I'm doing now just typing this up. Unfortunately most people who have been through the system in England say it takes a long time to even get a gender counselor so I could really do with getting this moving as soon as possible. I'm just going to have to try harder.

Thanks all again.

[LordKAT]

You could write down what you want to say to your GP and then hand them the letter. IF they look at you funny, just say your nervous and let it go. You can do the same for your initial therapist appointment. It may make the starting conversation go much smoother once the other has something to start asking about.

[Frankie]

Hello MessyBrain, I also am going through same thing, A couple weeks ago I was an emotional train wreck. Somehow or another I came across a phone number for a clinic in Philly, about 40 miles from me. I gave the lady that answered the phone  an ear full...she asked if I could hold on a sec...she put a therapist on the phone who scheduled an appointment, I said I didn't know if I could pay for the sessions, she told me they have a sliding scale according to your income, sessions would cost me $35 each, in some cases there is no charge. Babe, if you can't find anyone to listen, call the local LGBT and look at their resources, they should have a list of therapist in your area. You can also google "gender dysphoria therapist" then put the city or town in parentheses (city or town). Talk to someone who knows how to handle this and has experience in this area...You are not alone!

[Felix]

It sounds typical to me. Be careful using words like cowardice for yourself. Self-labeling in terms of traits that feel fixed and derogatory can make it harder to feel good enough to make good change.

Welcome to Susan's. I'm glad you are making progress, even if it's not as fast as you'd like.

[AnneB]

Frankie, was that the Mazzoni Center?

[Taka]

don't feel like you have to blame someone. blaming yourself is not very constructive.
try instead to give yourself an earful for having been so stupid to not do anything before, then cry a little and comfort yourself with a hug, before telling yourself to get up and do what you have to do. because you've got what's needed to fix this mess. it might work a little better if you imagine your current self scolding and comforting your former self.

when there is someone to blame, that is how we normally fix things. when there's only yourself to blame, it gets harder to fix, but the same method really works (i've done it myself). it's all about forgiving and eventually forgetting, while still keeping in mind the lesson learned. don't be too hard on yourself, we all make mistakes, and not seeking treatment for ->-bleeped-<- is hardly the worst mistake anyone could make. forgiving yourself and getting on with life would be a good thing to do right now.

when it comes to taking steps towards transition, sephirah really knows what she's talking about. every journey goes at the speed of one step at a time. you don't have to run, it's ok to walk. first step is a therapist. you don't have to go on from that point before you feel ready for it.

[Frankie]

Yes Paula Christine

[AnneB]

Thanks hon, our regular hotel (which im at each week) is 6 short blocks down the street from there.  I wish I had known abt it years ago.. I would have gone in and.. got help much sooner.