Old photographs - do you let your mom have them on display?

[Brenda E]

Say you've got an average mom who is proud of her son.  She's got the usual photos up on the shelf - high school, college graduation, son doing something manly somewhere etc.

Then you come out.  She's cool with it, but she wants to keep on display the same photos - she wants to remember the son she once had as well as the daughter she now has, and she has fond memories of him.

The old photos bother you, but they're not like a huge trigger or anything.  Just an unpleasant reminder of some unhappy times for you, but your mom sees the photos differently.

Thoughts on this?

[alabamagirl]

Well, if they're not majorly triggery for me, and they mean a lot to her, then sure. Honestly, I hardly ever notice old photographs sitting around, anyway. They sort of just become background scenery to me after a while.

[Jo-is-amazing]

Although I hate the photos, I hardly keep my trans*ness a secret, so I don't really care if she puts them up around the house.

[Jenna Marie]

I don't think I could "let" my mom do anything, but I know what you mean. My mother took down the old pics anyway, but she lives far enough away these days that I'd think my unhappiness for the duration of the occasional visit to her house (mostly, we meet somewhere halfway) was outweighed by the sentimental joy she took in the photos.

I actually have an 11 x 16 wedding photo framed and hanging in our bedroom, but that's a little different - it's not triggery, and it reminds *me* of how proud and happy I was that day, even though neither of us really looks like the kids in that picture anymore.

[NatalieT]

I don't mind childhood pictures, as that was a period of time where I was pretty happy with life in general. However, I am completely against having any reminders of my teen years, it's just too much for me to see myself turning into a man and having that faint smile behind which lies a dark and painful secret.

[Shantel]

What would be a real concern is what happened to a friend. She started out as this friendly outgoing little gay guy and transitioned in her latter teens. Following going through all the usual hoops, FFS and SRS she remained strong willed, she refused to take my advice and tell her new boyfriend that she was trans. Later on they were married, he was a very hero-male with hispanic roots. One Thanksgiving they went to mom and pop's place for Thanksgiving dinner, mom had the usual pictures up of sonny boy, guess you know the rest, I'm sure t wasn't pretty! 

[Elis]

If she wants to have childhood pics of you around the house, then to me that's fine, bcos it's not like she can go back and make you a girl, take pics and show those instead. But to me it's kinda unhealthy if it's bcos she feels like she lost you as if you're dead, hence why she likes the pics.

[Elis]

What would be a real concern is what happened to a friend. She started out as this friendly outgoing little gay guy and transitioned in her latter teens. Following going through all the usual hoops, FFS and SRS she remained strong willed, she refused to take my advice and tell her new boyfriend that she was trans. Later on they were married, he was a very hero-male with hispanic roots. One Thanksgiving they went to mom and pop's place for Thanksgiving dinner, mom had the usual pictures up of sonny boy, guess you know the rest, I'm sure t wasn't pretty! 

Are they still together? Awful how not planning things in advance can turn out.

[NatalieT]

What would be a real concern is what happened to a friend. She started out as this friendly outgoing little gay guy and transitioned in her latter teens. Following going through all the usual hoops, FFS and SRS she remained strong willed, she refused to take my advice and tell her new boyfriend that she was trans. Later on they were married, he was a very hero-male with hispanic roots. One Thanksgiving they went to mom and pop's place for Thanksgiving dinner, mom had the usual pictures up of sonny boy, guess you know the rest, I'm sure t wasn't pretty! 

I'm not trying to criticise your friend but I do struggle with the idea of keeping something like that from someone you enter into a deep relationship with. I probably don't understand the reasoning behind it as I haven't actively been seeking a relationship since I started my transition. Maybe I'd be reluctant to divulge information like that if it would jeopardise a close connection with someone.

[Shantel]

I'm not trying to criticise your friend but I do struggle with the idea of keeping something like that from someone you enter into a deep relationship with. I probably don't understand the reasoning behind it as I haven't actively been seeking a relationship since I started my transition. Maybe I'd be reluctant to divulge information like that if it would jeopardise a close connection with someone.

Well it turned out to be a stupid idea to withhold the truth, best plan always is to be honest otherwise the relationship is compromised from the start. It would save the woman a lot of ongoing anxiety and eventually the emotional and possibly physical pain that would come later.

[EmmaMcAllister]

Yes, I'll let her display old photos. The way I see it, I'm undergoing a radical evolution, not becoming a new person. My past will always be my past. And we should always be sympathetic to the fact that our loved ones cherish that past, trans or not.

[Shantel]

Yes, I'll let her display old photos. The way I see it, I'm undergoing a radical evolution, not becoming a new person. My past will always be my past. And we should always be sympathetic to the fact that our loved ones cherish that past, trans or not.

In this case? Absolutely! Great attitude Emma...

[Rachelicious]

the truth

...is she was undone by an untruthful representation of her.

What is being untrue?

IMO deny all untruths. Destroy every single video or photo of yourself pre-transition that is unfaithful to your true gender if you go stealth, which if you can in good order, I highly recommend.

[Shantel]

...is she was undone by an untruthful representation of her.

What is being untrue?

IMO deny all untruths. Destroy every single video or photo of yourself pre-transition that is unfaithful to your true gender if you go stealth, which if you can in good order, I highly recommend.

You can do that and deny that you ever existed prior to the age you were when you transitioned, but it's a lie. There is always some medical record, photo, document, distant cousin, old friend or acquaintance, medical, police or service record that will surface and bite you in the ass. Good luck though!

[Megumi]

I'm fine with my old pictures existing. Whether I like it or not my pre-transition life is still part of my life. I existed before I transitioned just as much as I exist after transition.

I don't go out of my way to show off my old pictures but I've come to terms with everything so I have no issues with my parents having old photos on the walls of their house.

[Rachelicious]

You can do that and deny that you ever existed prior to the age you were when you transitioned, but it's a lie. There is always some medical record, photo, document, distant cousin, old friend or acquaintance, medical, police or service record that will surface and bite you in the ass. Good luck though!

Word of mouth and documents are almost laughably inconsequential post-transition. Videos, photos, etc are much more damning, particularly when they're in some sacrosanct like your family's home. Or your own facebook profile. Or your family's. Father won't take down old family photos of you? Don't friend him!!

You take a way too all-or-nothing view. It is not denying that you ever existed, nor lying, to carefully prune the truths of yourself that you consider presentable. You can keep the good and omit the bad. The truth others think they're hearing do not have to be the truths that you are actually presenting to them.

Learn to be manipulative in ways that serve your interests without doing others harm or saying untruthful things. You do not need pre-transition people unless they have the respect to honor your hard-earned present reality by not keeping such things as trophies - at least not when it comes to the point where you're meeting people, in relationships, etc.

As for family, just ask them, "Why do you still have this photo up? Do you realize how uncomfortable this makes me, even just the thought that you're seeing this and still recalling me in this gender identity? Can we please replace this or otherwise not have it obvious for when, you know, my fiancee comes over who I really just want to accept me for who I really am rather than for who your artifacts would carelessly misrepresent me as?"

To me, the original story you shared just exemplified a carelessness of planning beyond belief. Surviving & thriving means having a predatory instinct towards anticipating and attenuating such matters before they become problems to your real identity. If you're the predator towards these obstacles, you will win. It does not have to be hard, and it is the absolute most opposite thing I can think of from lying.

I detest the idea that one does not have the means or right to live fully actualized with no trace of pre-transition gender incongruency. IMO post-transition identity goal should not a shell with a weak little inner core that only the people you care about most know about and can potentially use against you. It should be to so harmonize your living self with your true identity that you and those in your life come to forget you were ever any different.

[Jenna Marie]

Rachelicious : That actually seems rather all-or-nothing of you, to be honest. I totally support your right to manage your own life and define your own identity as you see fit, mind you.

But as for me, I feel that I *was* a guy once, and I don't want to erase him. I've replaced him (sometimes it feels rather as if I killed him), but I value my past as well as my future. I don't appreciate constant reminders, but I also don't want to deny that it was a real part of me. A lot of those photos (which admittedly I don't hang on the wall!) have great sentimental value for me.

[Jill F]

My mother can do whetever she wants.  It's no secret nor shame that I'm trans.  I'm just me and that's what I what I am.  Hell, I still have "before" pictures all over my house. 

[Ravensong]

I would let my parents keep up pictures of me if it was something that was important/influential in my past, like my boot pic from Parris Island, or Marching Band pics.  I would try to take new pics (and especially ones that contain the grandkids as well) to replace the old ones that don't have that significance, like my senior picture or general portraits.  That way, she can have pics of who I am with pics of what made me who I am (personality wise at least).  Of course, its not like anybody (including me) ever visit their house, it's always somewhere else.

[Abby]

Yes, I'll let her display old photos. The way I see it, I'm undergoing a radical evolution, not becoming a new person. My past will always be my past. And we should always be sympathetic to the fact that our loved ones cherish that past, trans or not.

This.

I'm not ashamed of who I am or who I was. I'm still proud if my accomplishments that are documented in photos. That was me that graduateid suma cum laude, that was me that sent myself to Europe, that was me that did all these things. I see my old self, and I feel proud of how far I've come. How hard I've worked. I'd never be ashamed of that.