I could use some relationship advice.
I'm not the easiest person to be with. I have an interesting history that causes me issues, but I am not ashamed of them or my history. I have at least one personality disorder and symptoms of ptsd. I am incapable of trusting people. It's not a choice. It's more like the synapses won't fire (although I probably got the biology wrong). I have trouble wrapping my mind around the idea of people actually liking me which is also not a choice. It's more like the grass has always looked green to me and people are trying to tell me it's pink even though I still see green. I'm still struggling with the automatic, broken defense mechanism of hiding myself and trying to avoid what had made people hostile with me in the past which means I may act weird. I may act weird anyway. I have a temper and am sometimes moody. I have gender dysphoria. The list goes on.
All of this is stuff I told him when we started dating. Not that I need to justify it, but I wanted him to know what he was getting into as opposed to wasting time and emotions on someone if there's no chance of the relationship working out. He told me he was fine with it.
So far, it seems like he's not. He says he is, but it appears to be only if I keep it all to myself. I can't talk to him about what I'm thinking and feeling. For one, he isn't the least bit interested which is a bit off putting. I mean, if you care about someone, shouldn't you, you know, care? I'm one of the coldest people I know when it comes to other people and I still at least bother to play the part. Why can't he if he actually does like me like he says he does? For another, the first couple times I tried to talk to him, he shut me down. The third time I tried to talk to him he only listened because he thought I was going to break up him (I wasn't planning on it and told him so). Today, he let me talk a bit, but then called it "drama" and said he didn't want to talk about it. It's not any more drama than him talking about his problems which he does.
And, yes, I know. Guys aren't supposed to show emotions and we're supposed to bottle everything up and all that unhealthy bull that makes things worse. I'm not interested. Neither am I interested in being in a relationship with someone who asks that of me. I'm also not keen on the fact that I'm willing to be there for him and he doesn't seem to be willing to be there for me. I'd rather be alone.
Am I being unfair? I don't think so, but then, my history with relationships is basically hoping they don't yell at me for less, so I don't know.
Speaking of being yelled at, I've already had at least one conversation with him about this. What do I do? If I bring it up again, is going to yell at me? That's what people tend to do when I bring up issues especially if I have already even if they're not resolved.
Should I break up with him? But what if history isn't repeating itself? I will also probably lose a group of my friends if I do since he is also their friend and lives with them. Why am I even hesitating?
Why am I so terrified that he's going to yell at me and/or shut me down if I speak? It's not like I haven't dealt with that before and I'm fine (aside from the obvious now expecting that behaviour as normal).
If I do talk to him about this, how do I explain it to him so he understands?
