New and questioning

[Ayden345]

Hey so I'm not really sure if this is the right place to post this or not. If it's not just let me know.
Anyway I guess I'll get right to it.
I have been really questioning my gender lately. I feel like I have been in a really confusing place and I'm trying to figure out if I'm trans or not.
I feel like I've never felt really connected to being female but didn't really think much of it. I was always a tom boy and I never felt comfortable in my skin but couldn't place it.
The confusion is coming from this: my close friend just came out as being FTM. And my question started when I found out about him. So I don't know if I'm questioning now because it's right in front of me and makes since. Like I'm able to place it now thanks to him. Or is me questioning my gender me just wanting to be like him.

I've talked about this some with my therapist. And she told it'll be hard for me to get clarity around this until I'm able to access my feelings since they have been shut down for awhile. She also brought up that it could be coming from me wanting to control my body. I recently went through cancer treatment and she said maybe this is my way of not feeling vulnerable. I get what she's saying and how that could fit but the more I sit with it the more it doesn't feel right.

I almost feel like I'm leading a double life right now. I think about myself being male so much in my head but am not really talking about it.

I wish there was just a way to know for sure.
I was wondering if there was anything I could do to explore this further without completely diving in or telling everyone in my life.

Any advice would be gladly appreciated.

[Brenda E]

Hi Ayden.  You're in the right place (although I'm perhaps not the right person to talk to...)

The confusion is coming from this: my close friend just came out as being FTM. And my question started when I found out about him. So I don't know if I'm questioning now because it's right in front of me and makes since. Like I'm able to place it now thanks to him. Or is me questioning my gender me just wanting to be like him.

Birds of a feather and all that.  It could be that you found each other because you're very similar in ways you may not have understood at the time.  Having someone close come out as TG makes everyone question themselves to some extent, some more than others.  I doubt that you're finding yourself struggling with this solely because your close friend came out; for you to be struggling so much strongly suggests that these feelings aren't anything brand new to you, and you've obviously got some history with feeling/presenting somewhere in between.  It's far more likely that recent events have focused you in on what your own gender might be rather than caused your gender confusion.  I too felt out of place for the longest time when it came to my gender, and it was hard to place exactly where those feeling were coming from.  Only relatively recently did I find the source - it was right in front of me the whole time, and such a simple answer - transgender - but it took a single event similar to yours to finally come to this realization.

I wish there was just a way to know for sure.
I was wondering if there was anything I could do to explore this further without completely diving in or telling everyone in my life.

Absolutely.  You don't need to dive into anything.  You can dip a toe if you like - baby steps, as slowly or as quickly as you want, as much or as little as you're comfortable with.  Nobody is going to force you to go all the way once you start to experiment, but experimentation is pretty much the only way you'll know for sure what you're comfortable with.  Start dressing a little more towards the male side - that's common, discrete, and easy to do.  Cut your hair into a more androgynous style - a little less temporary, but it'll grow if it doesn't work out.  Stick around here and pick the brains of some of the guys, all of whom are 100% awesomely helpful.

In fact, you've already done one of the easiest and most useful things you can do to start with - you've reached out to the TG community and started to find out where you fit!

[helen2010]

Hey so I'm not really sure if this is the right place to post this or not. If it's not just let me know.
Anyway I guess I'll get right to it.
I have been really questioning my gender lately. I feel like I have been in a really confusing place and I'm trying to figure out if I'm trans or not.
I feel like I've never felt really connected to being female but didn't really think much of it.   

I almost feel like I'm leading a double life right now. I think about myself being male so much in my head but am not really talking about it.

I wish there was just a way to know for sure.
I was wondering if there was anything I could do to explore this further without completely diving in or telling everyone in my life.

Any advice would be gladly appreciated.

Ayden

As Brenda said you have come to a good place to start your journey.  There are not too many of us who are suddenly, absolutely sure of our gender identity, that we are trans* and know how best to proceed.  The process really is akin to a discovery process,  peeling back the onion a layer at a time.  Asking questions of yourself, discussing this with others, seeking information and taking it a step at a time at a speed that you are comfortable with.

High level advice - don't sweat the detail, be kind to yourself, and do the work.  There are many at Susans who have had a similar narrative and will be pleased to share their experience and perspective and there will be many keen to hear your thoughts and concerns.  Best of all, the members here really do care and we are here for each other.

Safe travels

Aisla

[Taka]

i also only started questioning for real after someone came out as ftm. he was stealth, presenting as the man he was, but without revealing personal history. my reason for questioning wasn't that i wanted to be like him, i just realized that the reason i'm different to other women, might have to do with traits i have in common with him.

wanting to control my body, is something i've written off as a possible reason for wanting to transition. i do have a history of abuse, but my normal way of thinking doesn't say anything about men having more control than women. if i wanted control, i could just as well do it the feminine way, which actually seems much more vicious and appealing to me as a method of achieving this. but i just don't want to sacrifice this sense of manliness in order to do that.

being treated as a woman also sometimes makes me so confused i have no idea how to retaliate or protect myself. or i had no idea. now i know that i'm not a woman, so i'll find much better ways of controlling my own life and surroundings.

knowing for sure is impossible, unless you experience the truth of it. i only know that i'm not a woman, but that doesn't automatically mean i'm a man. i don't think i'm that either, and have finally labelled my gender as 29A, rather than F or M. but i still feel uncomfortable with a whole lot of things that this currently very female body of mine does, so i'll have to change it until i can manage to like it.

uhh, i was supposed to write more, wasn't i...
yes, how to find out and explore your feelings.
try presenting male online. anywhere you possibly can. people can't hear your voice on forums.
see what it does to your feelings to be treated like a guy. i know i like that better than being treated like a girl. it's something that i've longed for since kindergarten. though i didn't realize back then that presenting female made this completely impossible. while all the other girls found the sex segregation so natural that they never even tried to play with the boys when they played boy games.