Maybe I ....

[Bombadil]

maybe I need some support. That's so freaking hard to admit. I feel like I should be able to cope on my own.  And after all these years, I still have this stupid fear that I'm exaggerating. I get told over and over by my friends and therapist that I minimize but if I admit I'm struggling I feel like I have to justify it by doing badly. It's a stupid double bind.

The reality is I'm restricting my food intake on an almost daily basis again. The reality is a few weeks ago I purged a few times and now that's back in the forefront of my brain. The reality is at every meal time I debate whether I will eat.

I haven't admitted to anyone in real life. I'm not sure I've fully told my therapist. I don't do well when I keep this secret. August has sucked and I guess I grabbed hold of an old coping mechanism. I don't want this. I know what a hell the eating disorder is. I have never been able to starve away my stupid girl bits or problems. I want to have top surgery in February. I really need to kick this in the ass. I need to stop being mad at myself for messing up and wondering how I got here and just freaking eat.

[Jessica Merriman]

My sister had an eating disorder and he (Therapist) told her after eating don't sit around, but go out and find something to occupy herself with so she would not be thinking about purging. I don't know if that would work for you and it is only a suggestion. He also suggested she eat with friends or family to have an accounting and not be able to slip off and purge. They really rallied around her and she finally accepted herself and changed her patterns of thought. Good luck sweetie as this is a huge problem and you do not need any adverse health effects with surgery on the horizon. 

[mrs izzy]

Addiction is a hard thing to get over, just as trying to transition.

Yes you need the support and you need to get it out in the open.

Hidden additions seem never to go treated.

Be strong. Be human and please reach out again to your therapist and others to help.

Support groups as in the lgbtq there are in other addictions.

My husband had a time years ago, his was tied to his GD so once he accepted his shelf and moved forward with support it has been a thing in the past.

Baby steps and a day at a time.

Jessica offered a few suggestions that might help you. Always worth a try.

Hugs

[Shantel]

Christopher,
         We all have some kind of addiction, food, alcohol, drugs, sex and a myriad of other things. I am a foodie-alchoholic and fight a constant uphill battle with these things because they are unhealthy in excess and add unwanted weight and ugly flab. I've discussed this with counselors but have never been in treatment for it because I know that none of that is inherently bad as long as they are taken in moderation. I can pound an entire bag of Hershey's nuggets inside 45 minutes and wonder why I have a headache and suddenly feel tired, so I avoid the candy aisle at Safeway. Get some counseling and if that's not possible start consciously taking in only healthy things in moderation. Purging is out, it's hell on your esophagus and erodes your teeth. Start focusing on the things you can do each day and each week that will carry you forward toward your transitional goals, don't focus on the moobs they will be a thing of the past in due time. I'm wishing you well, feel free to pm me if you get a little deflated and together we'll try and get you pumped back up.

[Bombadil]

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply and sharing your thoughts and advice. Today has felt more manageable and I've gotten 3 meals in.

My sister had an eating disorder and he (Therapist) told her after eating don't sit around, but go out and find something to occupy herself with so she would not be thinking about purging.

Ok, I've been doing this

Addiction is a hard thing to get over, just as trying to transition.

Yes you need the support and you need to get it out in the open.

Hidden additions seem never to go treated.

Be strong. Be human and please reach out again to your therapist and others to help.

Support groups as in the lgbtq there are in other addictions.

My friends have been a great support with this in the past. They all think I'm better now and I was. I don't want to let them down. And I guess I'm afraid if I admit what's going on they are going to question my transition but that's not really how they are.

My T did suggest going to a lgbt group

. Start focusing on the things you can do each day and each week that will carry you forward toward your transitional goals, don't focus on the moobs they will be a thing of the past in due time. I'm wishing you well, feel free to pm me if you get a little deflated and together we'll try and get you pumped back up.

thanks for the reminder to focus on one step at a time. That's definitely something I've been forgetting.

[Vicky]

Look up Overeaters Anonymous in your area and get involved with them as often as you need to.  They do know eating disorders, and unlike your other friends are not overwhelmed with the stuff you have on your mind.

[Cindy]

Christopher you have taken the first step. Admitting our problems is everything. As Shan said most of us have addictions, give me a whisky bottle and watch it disappear

But we can fight them and we can be successful. Lots of good ideas and do talk to your therapist.

And remember you have your family; we are here for you.

[jody]

admiting you have a problem is one of the hardest things to do closly followed by asking for help. but after you have done that the realization that there are people who will help without judging gives you a great lift, facing your problem long term takes a bit of effort and there will be slips but when you feel the improvement then you sort of dont want to go backwards. never happens overnight and there is no magic pill but patience and talking are wonderfull at taking the stress away.one day life will be wonderfull and you will be the one answering questions like this. belive in yourself and think a happy thought every day.

[Felix]

It's important to recognize and take action about thoughts and behaviors that control you too much.

I clicked on this topic because I'm concerned that my teenage daughter is acting like she might be developing an eating disorder, but I struggle with some stuff myself. I don't even care if I overeat or drink too much or if I get too habitual with tobacco as long as I don't get wrapped up in worrying about contamination or cleanliness. I'm not sure I agree that everyone has an addiction, but I think it is a more common and serious problem than most people recognize. I used to spend many hours a day scrubbing and disinfecting everything. I used to have to make up excuses for why I needed to stay home and put everything in order and make all my actions correct. I used to not get enough sleep because I was cleaning everything and chasing imaginary flaws. When I get stressed out it starts creeping in again.

Ignoring unhealthy compulsions never helps me. Even if you can't convince other people that you need help, you are right to see your own problems as valid. Identifying and naming your obstacles is a really big deal; you can't find ways to change and get better until you give a face to the bogeys that haunt you.

[Bombadil]

You're support has been so awesome. Sorry I haven't been replying to this thread. I have been doing much better. My therapist gave me a reality check and that helped. I still haven't really told my friends. I am afraid that if I do, they will start telling me I shouldn't continue with my transition.

Today is one of those days when the idea of restricting is really appealing. And I have been thinking about purging again. I'm not even sure why... well, I do I guess. PTSD been worse again this week.

I haven't been able to cry since I started T. I don't like to cry but I really wish I could right now

whine whine whine

[Jessica Merriman]

 

Hang in there sweetie! 

[Bombadil]

Thanks Jessica, I was actually thinking about deleting that last part of my post. I'm just whining

[Shantel]

Thanks Jessica, I was actually thinking about deleting that last part of my post. I'm just whining

We all whine at times, it's quite acceptable, we're here for you hon!

[Deinewelt]

If you feel like it is becoming a problem for you, please talk about it some more and maybe even share some of the things that motivate you to eat irregularly?   It sounds like you may not fully understand why based upon reading your posts.  I think knowing the reasons might really help.

I sometimes wonder if I have an eating disorder because I will go several days without eating anything, just drinking liquids.  Part of the reason I do this is because I have problems when I eat with horrible migraines and also with chest pain caused by air in my chest cavity with a history of pneumothorax.  Another part of the reason is I really like being having a low weight.  Right now i'm about 120 at 5'5", so I don't think that is too light to be healthy, but I have been slowly dropping weight and trying to eat to keep  it from going below 120.  Hopefully I don't keep losing it because it would be scary if I could not maintain my weight.  Sometimes I feel like I might be addicted to feeling hungry.  I know that sounds strange, but I prefer the hungry feeling to migraines and chest pain.  I am hoping I will find some kind of balance.

[Bombadil]

Deinewelt - I think you need to talk to someone about what's going on. That does not sound healthy. Eating disorders can seriously destroy your life, so please be careful.

And being addicted to feeling hungry does not sound strange to me at all. I have a similar issue. Part of my recovery is eating on a regular schedule because if I get hungry it triggers that addiction... it's maybe like an alcoholic having that first drink,

[Shantel]

If you feel like it is becoming a problem for you, please talk about it some more and maybe even share some of the things that motivate you to eat irregularly?   

I sometimes wonder if I have an eating disorder because I will go several days without eating anything, just drinking liquids.  Part of the reason I do this is because I have problems when I eat with horrible migraines and also with chest pain caused by air in my chest cavity with a history of pneumothorax.  Another part of the reason is I really like being having a low weight.  Right now i'm about 120 at 5'5", so I don't think that is too light to be healthy, but I have been slowly dropping weight and trying to eat to keep  it from going below 120.  Hopefully I don't keep losing it because it would be scary if I could not maintain my weight.  Sometimes I feel like I might be addicted to feeling hungry.  I know that sounds strange, but I prefer the hungry feeling to migraines and chest pain.  I am hoping I will find some kind of balance.

Perhaps there's some medical treatment for pneumothorax? Be careful and don't become anorexic hon!

[Deinewelt]

Deinewelt - I think you need to talk to someone about what's going on. That does not sound healthy. Eating disorders can seriously destroy your life, so please be careful.

And being addicted to feeling hungry does not sound strange to me at all. I have a similar issue. Part of my recovery is eating on a regular schedule because if I get hungry it triggers that addiction... it's maybe like an alcoholic having that first drink,

Yeah, I totally agree.  It is actually quite new to me because I was about 145-150 only 2 years ago.  I have been looking at this and taking it very seriously, watching my weight every day trying to maintain at least 120.  I promise will mention it to my therapist next appointment. 

*hugs*

Perhaps there's some medical treatment for pneumothorax? Be careful and don't become anorexic hon!

Not really.   Basically I've had these pains in my left side since I was 18.  I was so confused about what it was at one point that I began to stretch it a lot, breathing too deeply, running track and trying to exacerbate it.  This was a big mistake because it caused a full collapse of my left lung.  Since then, I've learned that my left lung has blebs in it that are basically untreatable.  There may also be some emphysema, caused by small leaks that allow air to pass into the chest cavity.  Currently the issue is undetectable by doctors, but I can feel it.  When I eat very little, I don't notice the issues at all, but if I eat a full meal, the increase of volume inside my body makes it noticeable. 

[Shantel]

Currently the issue is undetectable by doctors, but I can feel it.  When I eat very little, I don't notice the issues at all, but if I eat a full meal, the increase of volume inside my body makes it noticeable.

Perhaps the answer would be to eat several small meals per day like health and body conscious types do. I did that on a weight loss plan purposefully diminishing my caloric and fat intake and lost 80 lbs. You could do the same with the idea of taking in so many calories in small amounts throughout the day and accomplish what you want without over stressing your condition.