I have been meaning to post something positive for a while, but honestly life gets in the way sometimes and puts off a good moment. In this case this is a good thing since it gave me time to think about what I wanted to say.
After living my life on the "other side" of gender street for almost 15 years I think I can bring a good perspective to life on the other side of the street.
I know a lot of us get all consumed in this passing thing as if to think it's the end all and be all. As an upfront disclaimer, yes I have had done facial surgery, twice in fact. Once to do my forehead, nose and trachea and another time to reshape my lower jaw. Did I have to do those things? Not really, I just did them because they were things about me that I wanted to change.
Here is what I have learned over the years about passing. It doesn't matter. Really. Nobody gives a crap. When I first started off I was so careful about my appearance it almost seems comical now. I never wanted anyone to see my without make up. I was so afraid that a lack of lipstick or blush would clock me in a second. What I found is that life is just the opposite. Most people just don't give a crap. In fact it would take a volcano these days to rip a stranger away from their phone. I could have a million dollars worth of surgery and I am willing to bet there are times I will still get clocked. I could have transitioned at the ripe old age of 11 and I am willing to bet I would still get clocked. Why do I say this? Continue reading.
I first learned about passing when I was working on a home improvement project and for anyone who has done them, you will know that Home Depot is your best friend. Also the inverse proportion law. A 5 minute repair job ends up requiring 5 trips to Home Depot and generally require 5 hours of more to complete. Long story short, I was doing one of these projects on a nice summer Saturday morning. I was wearing some of my old guy clothes no less because heaven forbid if I accidentally dirty some piece of feminine apparel. So here I am dirty, sweaty, no makeup, hair in a pony tail, wearing guy clothes, I could hardly call myself a womanly woman in that moment. Want to hear the fun part? Even if I tried acting like a guy, I still got clocked as a woman.
Okay so you might be thinking, but but but, you had ffs, electro, srs, etc etc. All the usual transgender acronyms. But in my opinion that's not what triggered the response I received. It was the fact that I live my life as authentically as possible, even if in that moment I was about as unwomanly as a woman could be. It wasn't the face, it was the whole package. I am woman (hear me roar) because that is who I am inside.
You see that's the strange part. over the years I have found that with absolutely not a drop of make up, the most unfeminine clothes one can imagine, even rotten table manners I still get clocked as a chick. I can say it has nothing to do with surgical outcomes. It's the way someone else looks and says "See that woman sitting over sucking on that lobster leg? What a f-ing pig she is!". See the difference yet?
What I know about myself is that my entire being from the marrow in my bones outward screams woman. It's me, my transition proved that to me. So in that respect I am not trying to prove anything anymore just being who I am, and as a result people will treat me the way in which I want to be treated.
Now to me, the $64 question. Do they know? Here's my answer. I assume that they do, but truthfully I don't care. Really who cares what some else thinks about me or whether I have XX chromosones or not? It's not like I am walking out the front door making ridiculous fashion faux pas's or going out of my way to attempt to prove my gender. I just am who I am. And what I think is that people really like honest and genuine people to be around them.
In all my years here is what I have learned. We, all of us in this little community, truly are unicorns. In the end I will have done something that very very few people in the history of planet earth will have done. I will have lived a life in both sexes. It's not as rare as the number of people who have walked on the moon or been to the bottom of the Challenger deep, but it's still pretty rare. It make me pretty unique. I have a perspective no man or woman will have ever or could possibly ever know. That makes me special.
It also means that no matter what I will never be either 100% of quantity A or quantity B. Even if medical science could accomplish a 100% true sex change, it will still make me different, because I still lived 2 different lives. But I am okay with that. In fact I like being different. I really do.
One piece of advice I would give to people is to change the things that bug you, and don't worry about the rest. If you have broad shoulders and it really bugs you then wear tops that diminish this. Hopefully one day you will wake up and stop caring about it and wear anything, broad shoulders or not realizing that by not hiding anything makes one "more" authentic and not less. Yes that's what I am saying.
Another piece of advice. How long does it take to really pass? A lot longer than I thought it would, in fact years is my best guess. When I say years it has nothing to do with getting strange looks in the grocery store check out line, I mean the day I woke up and stopped worrying. When I mean not worrying I mean the day when I honestly and truly stopped giving a crap what anyone else thinks about me in the checkout line or anywhere else. The bottom line is I am sure that I get clocked from time to time but why worry? Nothing I can do it about except go and hide in the closet, and honestly to hell with that. It just doesn't matter anymore what anyone calls me, call me anything you like. Add any adjective in front of woman to define me, I just don't care anymore. Plus my feelings won't be hurt either.
Another thought. What is stealth and is there really such a thing? Yes and No is my answer. Yes from the stand point that well for me I never bring up my past, EVER. No matter what. Even if with some friends or coworkers and the topic turns to LGBT people or female related topics like periods and pregnancy. Mum's the word. What I know of the world is that the 6 degrees of separation is true. I can start with myself or anyone else and still end up with Kevin Bacon. It means that no one can know, NO ONE because I never really know who knows who. Not a potential lover anyone. I didn't have this transition to have crazy sex with drunk men I pick up in a bar. But like everyone else I have needs. If I want to get my bell rung, I head out of town and play it safe. Nowadays I honestly could care less. I had my fun and really it's over rated. I can take care of myself thank you very much
The no part of stealth is that I believe that my life does not occur in a vacuum. I assume that some friends know and are just being nice to me to my face but cutting me into ribbons behind my back. If they are I will figure it out eventually and move on to a better friend. It's not written anywhere that I have to keep the friends I was dealt with.
In the off chance that maybe you think that being living stealth is somehow cheating or lying to people, I say this. I can't tell a lie if I don't answer the question. Not answering doesn't mean I am hiding, it just means that the topic is not relevant to my life or I simply don't want to talk about it. Therefore in my mind it doesn't take away from my life or reduce my authenticity.
I live by just being myself. I have given up the "blending in" or disappearing into the woodwork business. Given enough time and enough hormones and enough effort (like removal of facial hair) anyone can blend in pretty well. But honestly why bother? You (we) are unicorns. We are inherently different. Relish the differences and not the conformity. Both genders at the extremes are traps. If you don't like living in the small circle that defines a "typical" man you will not like living in the small circle that defines a "typical" woman either, or vice versa. Don't throw away things you like just to fit a stereotype. Make your new self a combination of your new gender PLUS the things you like. Like fixing motorcycles? Fix em, and don't wory about what people think. More often than not it will be jealousy and envy over admiration. I know a 5'2" blonde born woman who weighs all of 95 pounds soaking wet who spent 10 years restoring a crashed Lamborghini she bought from a junk yard. Yes a chick. Born a chick. Her girlfriends don't understand her and some especially now are very jealous of the fact the she drives a car that none of them will ever be able to afford or drive. But she loves that car and the love and effort she put in to her restoration shows. That takes determination to do something where no one else can see the outcome except for the person doing it.
That's a great definition of my life though. Like the junk car, I started with what I thought was junk and fixed it. No one else could see the outcome, but I could. How I ended up is perhaps different than what I started with but I attribute this to allowing myself to be flexible as I went about the physical changes. I had lofty ideals, but reality is always there to slap me down.
Don't sweat the small stuff and once my transition was done, I thought "Is this it?". No more hurricanes or roller coaster rides or doctor notes or letters of permission. There's no owners manual for the other side of the street either. We have to figure it out for ourselves. I see people struggle to try and hit lofty goals but know deep down that defeat will be ready to strike. We are not perfect, we are different. In fact, dare I say, better. I chuckle when I see women trying to figure out men or men trying to figure out women. I know all of the secrets from both camps. I hope you like being you as much as I like being me. Peace!
