How do you come out to your wife?

[Tessa James]

My partner knew about me all along because we shared as much about our feelings and intimate life as possible as we grew old together.  It was never a surprise for her.  My spouse knew about my growing anguish, shame and pain and when it became a crying misery she said she was going for help (a gender therapist) and asked me to come with.  Your wife may already have a pretty good idea of where or who you are.

[katiej]

Wow...  I had no choice idea that there was so many married transgender people. I had this (now I see wrong)  idea that there were few of us married.  This topic sure are gonna help me when the time of opening to my girl comes.  Since I started in this forum,  I made my mind about telling her,  I just need to talk to a professional first,  and that's almost arranged.
You are all great! I'm really glad I found this place.

No, no.  I'm telling you right now, you're much better off telling her before seeing a therapist.  If you already have an official diagnosis when you come out to her, it's like you're throwing down an ultimatum.  She's no longer a part of the decision-making process.  She has no say in the process at all. 

It hurt my wife that I had never told her about it, but she understood why I had kept it a secret.  But if you're out to other people...EVEN A PROFESSIONAL...it takes that away from her. 

I've noticed that for most of those who kept their marriages intact, it was precisely because their partner remained a partner through transition.  It's something to work through together. 

Please don't inform her of your decision.  That's a recipe for failure.

[Jenna Marie]

Katie : I agree with you 100% about this as well. My wife has said that if I'd presented her with the fact of transition without giving her any input, she would have been a lot more tempted to leave (and we're one of the most committed couples out there). She always stresses that partnership angle - making sure your SO is genuinely still your partner in the journey. I think she'd like you.

It's not even especially controversial advice outside of the realm of trans stuff; people who keep major secrets from their partners or make unilateral life decisions without consulting them are putting a huge strain on the relationship.

[Michelle G]

One thing my lovely spouse was adamant about was working on us "together"

It can be a roller coaster, but at least we are on the same ride together, sometimes screaming sometimes laughing, but always holding hands!

[katiej]

This partnership deal can't be stressed enough.

I recently saw a short video about a transwoman who had lost her wife and kids in the process, but she was pushing on because she had to be true to herself.  The video presented her as courageous in spite of adversity.  But I picked up on some little details that made it very clear to me that she had forced the issue in a very one-sided way, then she picked up and moved from England to the US.  And now she's saddened that she doesn't have contact with her children?  Really, honey?  How about not running off to be who you are 3,000 miles away from them! 

Katie : I agree with you 100% about this as well. My wife has said that if I'd presented her with the fact of transition without giving her any input, she would have been a lot more tempted to leave (and we're one of the most committed couples out there). She always stresses that partnership angle - making sure your SO is genuinely still your partner in the journey. I think she'd like you.

Jenna, your advice was particularly helpful when I was going through this.  So, much of what I'm saying here is really parroting what you said to me. 

I realized something through all of this.  If I had come out as gay, that would have meant that I was rejecting my wife.  But coming out as trans, I'm giving her the option to reject me.  If she decides to stay with me, then she's accepting a lot of changes.  And those changes need to be taken on willingly, which is why SO's are more likely to leave when they're not part of the decision-making process from the beginning.

[Jenna Marie]

Katie : Awww, I had no idea it was that helpful, but I'm delighted to hear it. That's also an interesting way of looking at it, and one I honestly hadn't considered; you've put the ball in her court in a fundamental way, and framed like that she is at least an equal partner in the choice.

For that matter, I know one cis couple where the husband came home one day and offhandedly said he'd taken a job 1,000 miles away - he's now wondering why his wife isn't his wife anymore! That kind of behavior is just so profoundly disrespectful, regardless of the unilateral choice being made.

(And yeah, yikes about that video. It does sound like perhaps she was not an innocent bystander in the way her life fell apart...)

[wanessa.delisola]

Oh, Jenna, Katie, you are so right... i know that, but...

But I'd never seen a gender specialist before, arent there any chances that i'm not trans? I mean, sure, I'd think about it all the time since I was a kid, and it only grew stronger... I'm not trying to fool myself, chances are I am really trans... but I'm still very confused. Over the years I "accept" this as a fact, but I never got an official diagnosis from a therapist... some years ago I looked for one, but he did not know much about gender identity, so, that didnt really helped...

So, I was sure I should find a gender specialist before telling her...

Sorry for all the confusion, I'm not even sure of what i'm saying...

[StevieAK]

My wife was/is a frog in a pot. I just keep changing..i knew we crosses some bridge when we washes my bras. I told here when i was diagnosed as having gender dysphoria and told her how i felt i needed to be..she'd rather have me be who i was before but realizes i dont have a choice.

[katiej]

Wanessa, there's a very big difference between informing your wife of your status and the changes to come, and asking your wife to help you get yourself sorted out.

And seeing a therapist first will likely feel to her like you're saying "I'm trans, and you better get on board, honey."  It doesn't let her get on board voluntarily.

There's another thread asking the "am I trans" question right now.  I recommend reading it.  It comes down to this...cis people don't spend time wishing they were the other gender.  They may be curious about what it's like, but they don't typically question their own gender.  And they certainly don't question it to the point of depression or self destructive behavior.

So yeah...you're probably transgender.  You don't need a formal diagnosis to tell you that.

Some around here have said that their wife didn't accept the first diagnosis anyway, and they had to go to another therapist before the wife finally accepted it.  So, having a diagnosis in hand doesn't give you a better shot of gaining her acceptance.  In fact, it's more likely to be seen as a betrayal of trust. 

For that matter, I know one cis couple where the husband came home one day and offhandedly said he'd taken a job 1,000 miles away - he's now wondering why his wife isn't his wife anymore! That kind of behavior is just so profoundly disrespectful, regardless of the unilateral choice being made.

It's disrespectful...that's the perfect way to say it.  It's selfish and demonstrates that he doesn't see his marriage as a team.  It's him doing stuff...and her following him around.

[JoanneB]

My wife always knew I was TG. I did a good job of convincing her I was "Just a CD", far better then I did on myself 

Dropping the T-Bomb is never easy. My first wife, a social worker, totally freaked. We were divorced within a year. It has been a good 6 years now since I dropped the bomb on my current wife, which at that time consisted of me attending a TG support group. (I was working several states away at the time) By the time I left the third meeting I knew for certain I needed to be there. Her first concern was my safety. This was followed be her future. She knew of my past history of dating TS's, she learned that the group was mostly post transition or working on it women, and that that the prettiest post-op member was an engineer, just as I am.

Wives see their world view totally turned on its head. They are human, with all it's frailties, just as we are. Unlike us, who spent upwards of a lifetime trying to come to some level of understanding what "being trans" is FOR US, they have essentially zero time. First reactions tend towards feeling betrayed, lied to, over this. The reasons as to why do not matter at the time. You are dealing with raw crocodilian emotions when the bomb explodes.

The really hard work follows, assuming you survive that phase, with the open honest discussions made all the more difficult learning where the TMI line is currently sitting. Just to make things even more exciting you yourself likely cannot honestly state with certainty, exactly what you see happening going forward. As in long term transitioning to full time, surgeries, etc..

Plenty of UnKnowns = Plenty of Fear = Plenty more Talks

[Jenna Marie]

Wanessa : I'm just going to second Katie again. If you tell your wife basically what you just said - "I'm pretty sure I'm trans, but I'd like to go to a therapist to figure it out for certain/get a diagnosis," then you're including her in the process from the start. There is a chance that in the short term this will backfire as she goes into denial and hopes the therapist will say you're not trans, but in the long run you will have tackled the issue as a partnership from before you took the first step, which will likely count  for a lot.

I'll also second the idea that at first her reaction will from "crocodilian emotions" (good phrase, Joanne!), and one of the most common responses when an SO finds out that their partner has been doing things like going to a therapist behind their back is to have the irrational, unreasonable, *emotional* feelings that are most often triggered by cheating with someone else. "You've betrayed me!!" Then it gets much uglier than it needs to be.

My wife says that she felt like me going to a therapist was the "official first step of your transition." She was hysterically upset for days about it, because of that. And she knew for months beforehand that this was the plan. Your wife may feel the same way - and then feel illogically as if you've TAKEN that first step without her, and trust me, one of the biggest mistakes you could make on this journey [if you want to stay together] is to leave her behind.

[katiej]

For an example of what Jenna and Joanne are talking about, see this thread.

Your wife will be hurt no matter when you come out.  But starting transition before coming out virtually guarantees she won't stick around.

[Jill F]

Your wife will be hurt no matter when you come out.  But starting transition before coming out virtually guarantees she won't stick around.

I never did ANYTHING behind my wife's back, nor did I keep it a secret.  As soon as I came out to myself, I came out to her that night.

I figured that doing things behind her back would have violated her trust and guaranteed us having problems.  Otherwise it was only going to be us maybe having problems.  Turned out that there were no problems at all and everything in her side of the closet was no longer off limits to me.

[wanessa.delisola]

Yeah, I should tell her asap! You are right again, Jenna and Katie! I just have to find the courage to do so!
If I try to run away form this, in the end, i would be worst. She probably would find anyway and the whole thing would blow in my face.
Last night i couldn't even sleep after our talk. Like I said, i'm very afraid (nothing all of you already dont know how it is), but after reading what all you said, I felt a weird kind of peace.

Thanks for all the advice and the gentle words, girls.

[katiej]

Wanessa, I wish you the best.  It's going to be tough, but a giant weight will lift off your shoulders afterward.  For me, the inner turmoil of hiding such a huge secret from my wife was much worse than the dysphoria.

Jill, you were a lot of help to me as well when I was wrestling with this issue.  I really value your input.  And btw your new avatar is seriously cool!  How many teles/strats does one girl need?

[Releca]

I agree it is a very hard thing to do. My wife figured it out mostly just by my mannerisms and asked me one day. Do you want to be a woman? That's when I told her and its been very rocky for me so center then. I'm working together with her to see if a mutual solution can be reached since she has already told me her stance on it leaving me with the ultimatum. So you don't think it will always come from you your partner can be the one to drop the bomb shell so just be prepaired for whatever comes your way.

This blindsided me at first but she is willing to try to compromise. I've since had one therapist tell me yes its trans confirming what I already thought. She knew of it but we are now looking for someone whom specializes in trans and couple therapy. I can tell you now it will be a very rocky uphill battle if she helps or your on your own but if love is still there she will be in your corner all the way possible.

[Jill F]

Jill, you were a lot of help to me as well when I was wrestling with this issue.  I really value your input.  And btw your new avatar is seriously cool!  How many teles/strats does one girl need?

Thanks!  And guitars are like shoes.  You can never have enough of them.  Sometimes I get my nails done to match one of them and coordinate with an outfit.  Betcha didn't think of guitars as accessories!

[katiej]

Jill, I was thinking about something today and wanted to ask you about it.  I'm mainly a bass player, which is more analytical and less emotional than playing guitar.  But I spent a lot of years as a drummer, so I do get how to play with emotion.  My question is, how has your playing style changed under the influence of estrogen?  Guitar players tend to be spotlight hogs and pretty aggressive.  Has that changed for you?

Sorry to hijack this thread...but I think we had pretty much wrapped up anyway.

Wanessa, please do give us an update when you have something.

[Jill F]

Jill, I was thinking about something today and wanted to ask you about it.  I'm mainly a bass player, which is more analytical and less emotional than playing guitar.  But I spent a lot of years as a drummer, so I do get how to play with emotion.  My question is, how has your playing style changed under the influence of estrogen?  Guitar players tend to be spotlight hogs and pretty aggressive.  Has that changed for you?

Hey again!

My playing is still pretty visceral, but I can see a few more moves ahead now.  It's really nice for improv, which I was always good at.  I was actually never a spotlight hog, in fact quite the opposite.  I had less stage presence than John Entwistle.  One thing is that I used to play some pretty dark stuff, but now I have a harder time coming up with doomsy riffs.  I use a lot more major progressions, 7th chords and creative substiutions now.  Crap, I'm turning into *OMG* a JAZZER.  I'd like to think it's less like Tony Iommi and more like Jeff Beck now.  I guess this is what happens when you're happy most of the time.  If I turn into an est-fest folkie, please shoot me.  And yes, I really have covered a couple of Joan Baez songs live...

[katiej]

I assume you already have a nice archtop jazz box or three. 

I have a friend who is a pro player.  He manages to turn most any song into a late 80's power ballad.  But when you put a jazz box in his hand, he transforms and becomes a legit jazz player.  He's not even faking it.  The voicings, his touch, the tone...it's all authentically jazz.  He's definitely one of the better guitar players I've been around.

In my experience, most serious musicians wind up heading towards jazz and fusion as we get older.  I've sat in on a couple fusion gigs recently.  It's a lot of fun.  I hate to admit it, but I've also been on a big Yellowjackets kick lately.