Do some people never come around or accept it?

[Ltl89]

Hey all,

As many of you may know, I have been having some family difficulties ever since coming out.  It's one of the reasons I've taking so long with my transition as I don't really have much of a support structure for this.  Anyway, I'm okay with the fact that this is very hard for family to deal with and understand that it takes time to evolve, but honestly, I feel like some people won't ever accept it.  I have a very close relationship with my mom, so it's been very hard for me to know that I don;t have her support and she is openly hostile of my transtion.  To be honest, I would have hoped it would have gotten easier with time, but she is still very dead set against this.  For example, when I told her I would be getting my first estrogen injection tomorrow, she made her usual threats about holding me back and putting an end to my transition and cutting my hair, etc. I realize much of these are harmless threats, as her kidnapping me and sending me to get help from the church, but it gets hurtful that there hasn't been some acceptance after knowing about this for over a year.  When does it stop?  Having my mother either look at me with anger/disgust or break down crying on the couch isn't really something I can deal with.  And the selfish aspect of this is that I can't afford moving out and don't want to offend anyone enough to lose my shelter. I pay rent at home but I would be screwed if I had to the average rent where I live.  I don't think that will happen anyway, but I just want my family to come around a bit.   I mean they definetely made big improvement compared to where we were and things are much more pleasant, but we have a ways to go.  Things were actually much better, she just freaked lately as I've had a couple of endo appointments and am actually switching from pills to injections.  Maybe it's all temp shock as it hasn't been nearly as bad as it was in the past.  I don't know. Anyway, does anyone else have important people in their lives who can't accept this?  How do you cope and deal with it?  I realize you can't win everyone, but this is my family, and it's one of the reasons I feel everyone is ultimately going to hate me which holds up my progress.  I just don't know how to do all of this and wish it were easier sometimes. If I stopped focusing on other people and their reactions, everything would be simple.  Unfortunately, even though I am transitioning because this is what I want and feel is best for me, I move slowly out of fear of other people and what they think about me.  And sadly, what people think about you does matter.  It's what upholds our relationships, maintains friends and keeps you employed.  It does matter in the end.  And if your own family has this much difficulty, whats the rest of the world going to think?  You know.

Sorry, just needed to talk out loud to someone.  But can anyone relate?  And how do you cope with it over a long term period without any sign of it ending?

P.S.  I'm just venting and sharing the drama.  My family members are great people, so please don't judge them despite my one sided post. 

[Alaia]

Not in a position where I can relate as I'm living on my own now, but I feel for you LTL. *hugs*

So you can't even find any private rooms for rent that are similar to the rent you are paying at home? It just seems like a bad situation. You can't stay around that kind of negativity, especially when it's coming from someone you love. I would look into whatever options are possible for moving out. Friends, other family, etc.

[stephaniec]

sorry  your in this hell. I lost my family(siblings) 20 years ago.

[G14]

Hey learningtolive,

I can totally relate. Almost everybody i'm close to doesn't think transitioning is the right thing for me to do. I constantly get negative comments about the way I look and will look, that i will never be "normal" etc etc *yawn*...  Personally my mum always says to me, "I can't understand why you want to make your life so difficult like this?!"...

Well... the simple fact is to just keep going. I think i'm kinda naive but I am hoping for my family to eventually come to terms with the way I am and I'm sure yours will too. If you're like me you probably feel uncomfortable walking around your parent's house, and probably uncomfortable being who you really are around them... I remember my mum telling me on several occasions to stay upstairs when family who doesn't know was visiting. Many incidents point to the fact that I'm an embarrassment to my family.

Anyway, I'll be moving out on my own next year so I won't have to deal with my family putting me down and making me feel guilty as it seems the only way forward... Maybe you should try and find an alternative place to stay in the future also? I'm hoping that by giving them some space it will *hopefully* help my family deal with the situation a bit better, maybe yours will too. Don't get me wrong, I do love my family so much, but being around them isn't doing myself or anybody else any good.

Sorry I couldn't be more helpful though...

[Juliett]

 With the exception of my brother, I can't talk to my  ENTIRE family since my transition. Parents, sister, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents. I even learned recently that my brothers wife thinks I'm a freak after years of pretending to support me.
Bloody freaking religion is the bane of human civilization.

[Cin]

I'm not out yet, but I think family is really important, I don't want to hurt them, and without their support, I'd feel very alone. Until I actually come out to them and let my intentions known, I can't be certain, I'm certainly not looking forward to it.

I am very close to my mom, I'm sure she will support me though almost anything, but I'm not sure about transitioning, not only because she doesn't understand transgender people, but because she cares for me, and worries about my long term well being, education, relationships, employment and so on. She wouldn't want me to face hatred and ridicule from anyone either, it would hurt her just as much as it would hurt me.

Even if my family supported me, they could face ridicule and resentment from other people around them who don't. I don't want them to suffer just because of me. It seems as though, I have to choose between my happiness and theirs and I can't have both. Whaat a life.

What other people think of you really does matter LtoL, some people may eventually learn to not care about other peoples' opinions, but I don't think I could ever get to a point where what other people think about me would not affect me personally.

I hope your family will eventually get around. I hope they understand that this is the only way you will ever have a shot at being happy in life.

[Ms Grace]

My father has been passively hostile about my transition since I told him. He's not prepared to meet me and thinks it's impossible for me to "change into a woman"... Not holding my breath for a quick resolution. Mind you, we were never that close to begin with, unlike your mom and you.

[LizMarie]

It varies greatly. And we can never predict how people will react or if they will change later.

I read a story last year about a transwoman who had transitioned many, many years ago. She was in her 80s when she died and had transitioned in her late 30s. Her sons had rejected her the entire time though her daughter had accepted her. When they all arrived to clean out her house and began going through 50 years of personal belongings, her sons finally came to grips with her transition and finally expressed remorse (to their sister) about how they had treated this woman but it was too late for the one to whom it mattered most.

I've read other stories where family members come around after a year or two or three. You just can't predict whether they will ever change once you've begun your transition.

I'm going to close with some quotes that have been good reminders to myself (I have them pinned on my PInterest account):

"One of the hardest lessons in life is letting go. Whether it's guilt, anger, love, loss or betrayal. Change is never easy. We fight to hold on and we fight to let go." -- Anon.

"The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward." -- Steve Maraboli

"No one can tell you what goes on in between the person you were and the person you become. No one can chart that blue and lonely section of hell. There are no maps of the change. You just come out the other side. Or you don't." -- Stephen King

"There comes a time when you have to stop crossing oceans for people who wouldn't even jump puddles for you." -- Anon

The above may seem trite but they've helped remind me that my life is mine and not anyone else's. I have to live my life for me, not for others. I've grieved loss of family, being called "it", being physically attacked, being the subject of vicious gossip and more. And as I've grieved and let go, I've found others stepping into that void who've loved me, lifted me up, and become my emotional family. My sons and I were very close. Now we've barely spoken for over two years and I've been banned from seeing my grandchildren by them. I had a choice, move on with my life and find new support structures or wallow in misery. I moved on and I advise you to move on as well. Either your family will decide they want to be part of your life or not. And whatever they decide, it's not your fault. They are the ones making that choice so don't blame yourself, don't let them guilt trap you with "you made me..." type statements. I'd get out of that house and move on with my life if I were you.

[Mark3]

From a hypothetical view point, not actually having experienced it, but knowing my family very well, they would never have accepted it.. They were way too concerned what others would think, church, neighbors, friends etc... They probably wouldn't kick me out, but have done the same thing they did when I was really depressed during my teens, and they simply arranged for police to quietly take me to a psych. Ward at the hospital until I got over it.. They never even talked to me about it.?
The good news is, once I moved out on my own, my family seemed much more accepting of me in most things.. I think when you get more independent, they tend to be better, probably cuz they have less control of what you do..?
I hope that might be a little bit helpful, even though in my case it wasn't very positive...

[Taka]

people won't accept you unless they want to. it's not enough that they get used to it, they will actively have to change their opinion on the matter, or have a miraculous change of heart which you are unable to cause on your own.

i have had way too much other issues with my parents as it is. enough to know that my mother will never validate me in any way, and will find the viles expressions of her opinion on transitioning, when it becomes time for that.
i wish i could love her, but she has betrayed me and my siblings in ways that have made that impossible.
she's still a wonderful person, in the areas where she functions well. she just isn't suited to be a parent. unfortunately.

all you can do is believe in what you're doing, and never let your family think that there's anything they can do that will change your mind.
it will hurt though. no loss no gain, they say. sometimes the choice is only between bad and worse.
but you can still hope that your family will choose you in the end, rather than hurtful beliefs, opinions, and principles.

[jeninindiana]

i do not think your mom will learn to accept it just with time ...  unless and until she is convinced that what you are becoming will lead to your good health and happiness she will be against it for the rest of her life and you are the only one who can convince her of your happiness . moms are protective and she needs to be sure that you will safe and happy in the world . tell her your feelings of the happiness and contentment you have found and the support you have from others --  let her know your deepest feelings about wanting o be female  ,and also let her know you have a support system in the world . you do need is to convince her that you are becoming happy and that you do have support and acceptance from other people around you which she knows will contribute to a healthy mental state the environment you are in so she needs to hear that and see that to feel comfortable that you are making the right decision  . if she believes it will lead to positive things for you and not negative things you will be amazed at how supportive she becomes . if you don't do that she will not , now or ever, support you doing this .

[Athena]

Hugs

First I would look into your local trans group to see if there are any resources for you. I think that there would be a better chance of your mother coming around if you were not living at home.  Right now she can yell scream throw a tantrum and you will be there tomorrow. If you could find a place on your own then if she yells or screams you might not be back for a couple of weeks or more that's going to sink in that you can walk away and she might never see you again. With you living at home she risks nothing by being unaccepting.

[Tessa James]

Family can be so good and so very hurtful.  My parents are gone but I doubt they would have approved.  I can relate to the loss of a family member though, my son.  I loved him so as a baby and vividly recall the blood sweat and tears it takes to raise a child.  He rejected his sissy, queer dad as he became an adult but I continued to work for decades to be a part of his life only to be rejected once again as the "it" and "thing" now banned from seeing him or my grandson.  That may change but I am now more realistic about pouring love, hope and emotional weight into a situation with diminishing returns.  We are adults now and I advise any of us to have adult relationships with some balance.  I no longer berate myself for failing as a dad or reach out for his rejection.  If he ever does come around or suggest acceptance I am ready to meet him there. Your mom's intransigence seems very ideologically based and not responsive to reason.  She needs the epiphany thing and i don't know how that will happen for her?

Part of my response is to value all the more the deliberate and created family of very close friends around me.  We do need family and community and we can create that right where we are.  LTL you are so very bright and caring that i can only imagine you as a welcomed family member.  Maybe some time you will move on to a family that wants you around just the way you are.  Lots of people have found family as an informally adopted son, daughter, sibling, mother or father.  It is becoming more the norm as "blended" and non traditional families flourish.  My favorite sister is another trans woman, my brothers are mostly gay men.

[Ltl89]

Thank you everyone for your thoughts.  Honestly, my family is very important to me and my mother isn't someone I could remove from my life.  Moving does seem like a good and healthy thing to do, but I can't afford that.  Even though I do "okay" and can survive with what I earn, adding on the rent would make things too tight for me.  I live in an area where the cost of living is quite high and many people in my age group do still live with family as a result.  One day I can move, but with transitioning costs and saving up for things factored in, it becomes stupid for me to do that.  I should add that my family aren't bad in anyway.  It's just that I wish I could have their support.  I'd like to be able to talk to my mother about my life without it causing a fight or drama.  She is important to me and I want her involved in my life, but right know I do feel like I have to hide things and that sucks.  One of the hardest parts of my transition has been the hiding from everyone and holding my life back until I get the courage to go fulltime.  It's getting harder and harder each day that I move forward and I wish this awkward phase woud end (thanks horrible appearance).  Anyway, it's not a complaint with my family.  I just want them to support me.  And I want to be able to talk about my life, desires and where I am headed without feeling like I'm the evil one tearing up my family or feel guilty that I am transitioning.  After a year of this, I hoped there would have been some acceptance but I don't know if I'll ever get anything more than opposition tolerance.  Guess that's something I'll have to come to accept. 

[Danielle79]

A year is long enough to go through the grieving process. I get the sense from your post that she was back in denial, and finding out that you were getting injections made her confront the issue again. Is there anyone she respects and listens to, a grandparent perhaps, that is more accepting and that can talk to her? She needs to hear from someone other than you whom she trusts that it's time to accept that you are her daughter.

Also, I don't think she is going to kick you out unless things got really, really bad between the two of you. She would have already if she were inclined to do so.  She knows the state of the rental market as well as you do, so she knows what she would be subjecting you to if she made you move out. I don't interpret her actions are malicious; she seems more like she is being protective (misguided, but protective).

[jeninindiana]

she just doesn't believe that you will have a life that will make you happy if you do this and if she thought so she would support you completely. your happiness and safety , what she is most worried about ,depends a great deal on the acceptance of the people around you . share with her the support and acceptance you have from those around you that will reduce her anxiety .

[Rose City Rose]

Sadly, there is a crueler affliction than gender dysphoria, and its name is religious fundamentalism.  Some grow out of it but most cases that persist into adulthood are incurable.

[Joanna Dark]

You should immediately stop telling her about things like getting your first E injection. This is not helping. In fact, I would not talk about it at all with her or even about it. it's not helping. Only time may help. Maybe. But talking about it is not going to help. You don't have to stop tellling her, but it's not helping. I would just act like it's not happening. I mean what was the benefit of telling her about the first E injection. No offense, but it sound like you keep trying to cultivate this close relationship where she will finally see the light and be like "OMG that's awesome." But that's not going to happen. Time. And not talking about it. That gives her time to process it without constantly hearing about it.

It also sounds like you have the means to move out, but don't want to. You need to if you can. That right there could help more than you know. Ya know. Find a roommate. I know this sounds harsh, but really it's been going on for quite some time and I remember how happy you were before you came out, and now that woman is long gone. You need a change. Seriously. For yourself if no one else. This is tough stuff but I really do care for you a lot and you need to do something diffferent and distance is the greatest promoter of closeness.

[Jess42]

No some people won't accept it. Especially those closest to us that have known us as one person most of our lives and then they are faced with meeting someone new that they thought they knew all along.

I definitely agree with Joanna on this. If you have the means it is definitely time to get out on your own. Sometimes we just need to be on our own to decide what we really want. I don't want to sound harsh either but LTL needs to do what LTL wants and needs to do what is best for LTL with no one else involved in the decision.

Sometimes we have to cut the apron strings ourselves. You don't have to remove your mother from your life but you have to do what is best for you and what makes you happy and comfortable with yourself and everyone else just has to take a backseat to what you want and need. If your mother don't want to be a part of it or refuses to acknowledge it, then that is her loss for not knowing or getting to know the real you. It may sound selfish but it really isn't. Pretty much when it comes to gender dysphoria it is more about survival and what we need than what others want or need us to be to them. Does that make sense? It may sound selfish but believe me it's not. It is way more about what LTL wants and needs to be happy and to survive her life before anyone else. Family or not.

I really hate to say this but sometimes we need to think more of ourselves than others. If that is selfish wanting to live our live the way we want then I am just a selfish "B". We can't do anything for others if we are not comfortable with ourselves and happy with who we are.

[Danielle79]

It also sounds like you have the means to move out, but don't want to. You need to if you can. That right there could help more than you know. Ya know. Find a roommate. I know this sounds harsh, but really it's been going on for quite some time and I remember how happy you were before you came out, and now that woman is long gone. You need a change. Seriously. For yourself if no one else. This is tough stuff but I really do care for you a lot and you need to do something diffferent and distance is the greatest promoter of closeness.

I can't speak for LtoL, but in my area there are couples in their forties living in their parents' house because the cost of buying a home or moving into an apartment is absolutely prohibitive. After decades of poor planning and looking down on renters, there just aren't enough apartments to go around, and the landlords know it. It's a supply problem. When a decent apartment complex does go up, the units are snatched up immediately for premium rents (think $1500 for a 500 sq. ft. studio). Basically, the only remotely affordable rents are in illegal apartments, and even those are way, way overpriced, and many are not fit to live in. So when LtoL says that moving out is financially infeasible, I believe her, because I know people who make decent money who are in exactly the same boat she's in. It stinks, because you're right, distance would probably solve a lot of this problem, but if it can't be done, it can't be done.