Was your life really 'Living a Lie'?

[Jenna Marie]

I don't think I was living a lie, but then, I believe I was a cis man once. I just grew out of it.

FWIW, my wife *hates* this one, because when people would say it to her it was terrifying and tragic - it would mean the person she married never existed, and she was shackled to a stranger. As that was one of her huge fears about transition, it was unhelpful when other people reinforced it, to say the least. (that is, she hated when they claimed it was true for *me.* They can decide what was real about their own lives, obviously.)

[Ayden]

I never lived a lie. I was always me. I just cross dressed for 24 years. At least, that's how I are it.

[Jess42]

Though I no longer have a bike I still see a lot of mates from back then,they've all been OK with me.I like bikers especially Tig and Chibs from Sons of Anarchy

Mates? So I take it you ain't from the US? The badder the boy, the more I like. I passed really good when I was younger and I definitely didn't have a problem riding "bitch". But god if his Bothers ever found out he probably wouldn't be alive today. And I will never tell. He was so scared of anyone finding out but hey, "bitch slap" me once and I am done.

[Jill F]

Once I realized it was really a lie, I stopped living it immediately.   You know it's a really awesome lie when you actually believe it yourself.  And I'm the worst liar ever (or am I?). 

[Jess42]

Once I realized it was really a lie, I stopped living it immediately.   You know it's a really awesome lie when you actually believe it yourself.  And I'm the worst liar ever (or am I?). 

Nope, we always knew. You can fool most of the people some of the time, most of the people some of the time, but you can't fool other transgenders that you are straight male or female.

[Paige]

I would prefer to think of it as a white lie.  Growing up I knew I was different  and I would go to great lengths to hide it from the world.  As with most I feared the repercussions if I dared tell anyone.  Once when I was probably 9  or so, I remember dressing up with a few girls in the neighborhood in female ballet outfits, my sister thought we looked so good we should show are parents.  My father screamed at me and threaten me with the belt if he ever caught me dressing like that again.   He liked the belt.  This was just one example of many where showing my feminine side got a swift negative reaction.

So really is a lie that protects you physically or mentally really that bad?  I get the feeling that people who throw this 'Living a Lie' judgement around don't really understand what others have gone through.

So as the old proverb goes:
Never criticize a man until you've walked a mile in his moccasins

Take care,
Paige

[Paige]

Oh and by the way Alaia, I agree with everything in your excellent post.

Thanks,
Paige

[Missy~rmdlm]

I was living the best I could a decade ago. It was not living a lie. That was during the period I knew I could be TS, but that does not retroactively change my actions in any way. I feel this treads on very dangerous ground to attempt to dismiss the past prior to transition. If a person was a monster before transition they are still a monster, and their actions were no lie.

[Cin]

I'm not living a lie, I feel more like an actor, the world around me wants me act in a certain way and I do it. I'm sure that I will never change as a person, and right now, even with the fake persona I've created, people see glimpses of my real self, and like the sensitive, peace loving person I am and appreciate me for it. That won't change whether or not I feel like I'm in the right body.

Yes, all this hiding is stressful and preventing from expressing myself, I'm unhappy, yes, but i don't think it's stopping me from being what I want to be to other people, and I will always be the same person in both body and heart, at a spiritual level, I know who I am, and I was always the same, and will always be the same.

[pianoforte]

Going off what Cin said about feeling like an actor...

I felt like I was method acting, constantly auditioning for parts I didn't even want because I had to pay the bills somehow. And now I'm starting to feel that way again, except I won't be disempowered to the extremes I was before of putting myself in denial and letting fear of others rule my life (even if they are paying my bills).

[Blue Senpai]

I think of my life as more of a play that kept on going without intermissions or even a finale. Thankfully, as I start HRT next month, the play is about to come to a conclusion and the audience will start crying, throwing temper tantrums and getting angry because they don't want it to end but it has to end or else it will just have a gap and never finish or continue (suicide). I'm also reaching the point where I'll make the ending speech "Thanks for coming tonight folks. I'm glad you liked my portrayal of <birth name> but show's over, the curtains are going down and it's time to get to know the person because the character.". This whole world, timeline, childhood story, etc. seemed like a long script that spanned a little over two decades.

[GnomeKid]

I think of my life as more of a play that kept on going without intermissions or even a finale. Thankfully, as I start HRT next month, the play is about to come to a conclusion and the audience will start crying, throwing temper tantrums and getting angry because they don't want it to end but it has to end or else it will just have a gap and never finish or continue (suicide). I'm also reaching the point where I'll make the ending speech "Thanks for coming tonight folks. I'm glad you liked my portrayal of <birth name> but show's over, the curtains are going down and it's time to get to know the person because the character.". This whole world, timeline, childhood story, etc. seemed like a long script that spanned a little over two decades.

Now its time for the sequel!

[JohannaSwe]

I have always wanted to become a movie star and I love acting so I saw it more like a charcter I had to play. It was the role of my life and if I could convince everyone I was truly a man then I told myself perhaps I could make it to Hollywood!

[LizMarie]

Very well written, Alaia!

I think the meme of "living a lie" started as how it feels once we internally put all the pieces together. It's not something we deliberately did, though my spouse and sons accused me specifically of that. (I retorted that if I'd fully understood and transitioned at a younger age, they wouldn't even exist, so think on that. )

And I think the concept of "living the best we could at that time" is more accurate but also does not convey the internal conflict we undergo to outsiders.

[treeLB]

It did feel like I was living a lie, and I was always afraid someone would find out the secret I was hiding. That was my experience.

To say you've been living a lie also implies that you had the knowledge of the lie, that you had been deceitful, lacked integrity, and were basically lying to everyone.

Yes.
Because I was afraid.

[Paige]

I think the meme of "living a lie" started as how it feels once we internally put all the pieces together. It's not something we deliberately did, though my spouse and sons accused me specifically of that.

Hi LizMarie,

Is it just me or do you find there's a weird juxtaposition here.  On the one hand people accuse transgender people of living a lie but on the other hand maintain that gender dysphoria doesn't exist.  Too often it seems transgender people have both of these things thrown at them by the same person.   These ideas seem mutually exclusive to me.

Anyway just a thought.  Take care,
Paige

[LizMarie]

Hi LizMarie,

Is it just me or do you find there's a weird juxtaposition here.  On the one hand people accuse transgender people of living a lie but on the other hand maintain that gender dysphoria doesn't exist.  Too often it seems transgender people have both of these things thrown at them by the same person.   These ideas seem mutually exclusive to me.

Anyway just a thought.  Take care,
Paige

Yes, Paige! The cognitive dissonance of deniers is sometimes astounding. But I've learned to just move on with my life.

I gave my spouse 35 years and each of my children 18 years of encouragement and support. And one of them went to college on my dime (he hates me now and doesn't speak to me) and one of them took 8 years after high school living at home and trying different employment paths before he found himself (he's still distant but appears to be slowly opening up to me). For the deniers, it was about me "abandoning" their mother, yet when I pointed out that she wanted the divorce, not me, they claimed I "forced" her into wanting to leave. And yes, that eldest son said I "lied" to them all yet he insisted that I can't be trans because trans people don't exist (because the SBC says so).

When we come out, if there is denial, there will be plenty of cognitive dissonance flying all around everywhere. Be prepared for it, but also be aware that pointing it out does no good. Those in denial aren't acting rationally anyway.

[Laurette Mohr]

 I ALWAYS felt I was always living a lie. Even when trying to pretend I was trying desperately living a man's life. i would hear the voice within would SCREAM you know you're being a fraud and many times uttering out loud I KNOW. I can relate.

[Carrie Liz]

I think the "living a lie" thing is mainly a defense used by trans women who were in denial pre-transition, or doing the whole "trying to get super-manly, maybe that will make the dysphoria go away." So they feel they need to explain to everyone how they, who everyone perceived as a typical manly man, could actually be a woman. To them, it probably does feel like a lie, because they were deliberately doing things that they knew they hated just for the sake of blending in. So saying that you were "living a lie" makes sense.

For those of us who were of the more twinky effeminate variety, who people always assumed were gay anyway no matter how much we tried to hide it, that "lie" thing doesn't work as well.

So yeah, I think it's just a matter of perspective.

I myself don't use the "lie" narrative, because well, if I was lying and trying to pretend that I was someone that I'm not, I am a REALLY crappy liar. I wasn't fooling anyone.

As with everything, it's complicated. Everyone's understanding of their own trans journey is different.

[Paige]

Yes, Paige! The cognitive dissonance of deniers is sometimes astounding. But I've learned to just move on with my life.

I gave my spouse 35 years and each of my children 18 years of encouragement and support. And one of them went to college on my dime (he hates me now and doesn't speak to me) and one of them took 8 years after high school living at home and trying different employment paths before he found himself (he's still distant but appears to be slowly opening up to me). For the deniers, it was about me "abandoning" their mother, yet when I pointed out that she wanted the divorce, not me, they claimed I "forced" her into wanting to leave. And yes, that eldest son said I "lied" to them all yet he insisted that I can't be trans because trans people don't exist (because the SBC says so).

When we come out, if there is denial, there will be plenty of cognitive dissonance flying all around everywhere. Be prepared for it, but also be aware that pointing it out does no good. Those in denial aren't acting rationally anyway.

Hi LizMarie,

SBC = Southern Baptist Convention right? I must say you are a trooper.  I think my coming out would be hard, but Texas, SBC, wow that's sounds like a tough slog.    Do you live in the Austin area?  I hear it's a little more friendly to transgender people.

As for people being rational, my father would tell me as a kid never to expect more than 10% of the population to be rational.

Take care,
Paige