When they hide you because they are ashamed of you how do you deal with it?

[Satinjoy]

Quite the emotional day last night.   Had Lady Valor on, and the wife came in.  She went into panic mode and freeze mode.  In the end, she said some triggers, they revolve around her being ashamed of me when in public and genderqueer.  She then asked me not to move in female body language, at which point I told her that was impossible, I don't know when I move as a woman, nor as a man.  I can no longer control those motor nerves.

Anyway, we made some progress.  I told her that dypshoria is progressive, like diabetes, and needs meds, like diabetes, and that I need Satinjoy time, (used my real female name there, not Satinjoy), in order not to lose my sanity, for repression would cause an explosion.  She accepted that, a light bulb went off, for she did not understand how it would have gotten intensified over the years, after the initial purges.

But, we have an appt today, with some narrow minded gossip types, and she wanted me to strip my nails... and she won't let me be around her coworkers for fear that I will out myself with more narrowminded people.

I will take one inch of gain, and whatever abuse is needed to gain it, to make progress with her.  I gained an inch last night.  When she saw Kristen, she made some kind of comment, not abusive just not accepting, Kristins presentation scares her so much, but I had the opportunity to tell her Kristin is me.  No difference except that as non binary, I can live in multiple gender roles, truly fluid, so she need not fear.  But that may not be true in 10 years.....

When they say they are ashamed of you or to be with you, how do you handle it my dears, what do you do with that?

Love to all here.  Nails out anyway, but I'll strip them for one hour max, then the polish goes back on.

If it wasn't for the cruelty to my family members I wouldn't care.  Not cruelty by my family, it's about the idiots targetting the innocents in my family, designed to destroy the marrage made by God.  Evil, isn't it?  I do have the support of my family, my father even underwrites my hormones and he gets it, two kids see me full transition, one GQ, and the wife gets a heck of an eyeful of very GQ, and I sleep that way in her loving arms.  I have no complaints. 

[helen2010]

When they say they are ashamed of you or to be with you, how do you handle it my dears, what do you do with that?

Love to all here.  Nails out anyway, but I'll strip them for one hour max, then the polish goes back on.

SJ

My SO says that she isn't so much ashamed of me as concerned that I will be ridiculed and the family embarrassed.  The truth is probably an element of each.  She needs to be accepted and at heart is quite shy. 

How do I deal with this?  I keep on my andro path and come out to those who I wish to share this with.  In this way I feel authentic with those who are important to me.   Over time she has become more accepting, so it is really just a step at a time.

Safe travels

Aisla

Ps.  Kristin suits you,  fits perfectly with your F self.

[Taka]

is it possible for you to get permission to be you, whichever version of you, within the house, with a promise to always remember to take on the male role for your wife outside, or at least for as long as she needs it?

female actors can play great husbands. but playing that role all the time when it's only a role, would get too tiring. it could drive you insane, and that would not be good for your relationship with your wife.

i'm sorry that i can't offer any advice. i don't know your wife, and will never find myself in the same situation that you are in.

[Mark3]

Maybe the so called narrow mind people at your wives office are more accepting than she thinks.? Sometimes the person thinking that looses perspective because of they're own insecurities..
It must be so difficult to have to pick and choose where you can be your true self.. I hope that each day gets a little better for you...
I would certainly be pleased to meet you in that kind of situation, hopefully others there feel the same, most probably do...

[Satinjoy]

is it possible for you to get permission to be you, whichever version of you, within the house, with a promise to always remember to take on the male role for your wife outside, or at least for as long as she needs it?

female actors can play great husbands. but playing that role all the time when it's only a role, would get too tiring. it could drive you insane, and that would not be good for your relationship with your wife.

i'm sorry that i can't offer any advice. i don't know your wife, and will never find myself in the same situation that you are in.

the wonder of true genderfluid is that there is no acting.  It's like the diamond, the tip is male, hard and sharp as needed, the top female, filled with dazzling light, and from the side is genderqueer, the whole authentic being.  They are all the trans diamond.  So I am quite happy, and my SO gives me total Satinjoy time when she can, where I am not with her, she just  can't handle it cause she is cis and straight.  An easy accommodation for me to give.  So I am blessed, and realized she has the same social reprogramming to do that I also have to do.  Love to all. Sj Satinjoy

[Taka]

*chuckles*
well, those phones are at least good at making people laugh.

so your situation is actually pretty good? i hope your wife will find it in her to accept you then.
learning and understanding can take a whole lot of time.

maybe you should tell her how lucky she really is, that you can choose which you to be when you go out.
i can't control it that well, and will sometimes have to act the person that people expect me to be. because i'm suddenly someone else.

[Satinjoy]

*chuckles*
well, those phones are at least good at making people laugh.

so your situation is actually pretty good? i hope your wife will find it in her to accept you then.
learning and understanding can take a whole lot of time.

maybe you should tell her how lucky she really is, that you can choose which you to be when you go out.
i can't control it that well, and will sometimes have to act the person that people expect me to be. because i'm suddenly someone else.

Yeah the phone thing can really put some spin on things.   I actually have said exactly that, and I do have a measure of control, certainly over presentation, but since I morph socially based on stimuli from others, it comes very naturally.   So my situation is not only pretty good, it is wonderfully good from my point of view, since I know the odds of an mtf female staying with a cis female that is straight are long shots to be sure, and my wife and I are so very close indeed.  it comes with sacrifice on both ends, the tightrope analogy in the typical day thread is very accurate.

I only have problems when Satinjoy comes out in a social context albeit presenting male, and that i cannot control.  They'll all just have to deal with it and get over it when that happens.

Blessings, so cool that you have your real self out for all to see, feels quite validating, doesn't it my dear?

Blessings to the eagle.  You have the eyes of an eagle for sure, I see that stregnth in your avatar pic.  Good for you my dear, good for you indeed.

[EchelonHunt]

Yesterday, I went to a job interview. I presented as male and in male clothing. The clothes bothered me, mainly because it was black head to toe on a considerably warm day. I found myself slipping into "Jason" mode - similar to the previous interview I had. Usually shy, introverted and submissive, I turned confident, assertive and well-mannered. I was watching the interview unfold from deep within my mind, in awe of how different I was acting. Even though I did not get the job, due to lack of forklift license, the manager was impressed, saying it was a good interview and that I was a nice kid.

I was once in a four year relationship (mostly online), it wasn't a marriage but we were engaged and had plans to marry and live together. She lived in USA, I lived in Australia. I took the leap and flew to stay with her for two months during Christmas. Her acceptance and unconditional love she showed me online was nowhere to be seen in reality. I'm not saying this lightly, she hated every aspect there was about me - she admitted it many times to my face. Back then, I was a very feminine transguy who was comfortable with their female body, had no hesitation about being feminine or masculine. I had female social behavior and yes, she complained about this too. I cannot change what's been ingrained into me as I grew up. She expected a hyper-masculine sexist guy - something I am not. She expected me to initiate sex and she didn't care about my needs at all in the bedroom. Even when I came out as asexual to her and explained that my issues behind why I cannot perform sexually as she desires, she continued to pressure me into sex. It was a very forced, unhealthy relationship, I can see that now.

I am very in touch with my feminine side. I ended up getting acrylic nails done in black - I had them done curved to the shape of my finger so they didn't look like obvious nails with the square tips. I enjoyed them and was very happy with them - it was the first time I had gotten acrylic nails done. A few weeks later, her grandfather passed away and we had to go to their funeral. After the funeral, she verbally abused me for not taking the nails off. She said her relatives were asking why her boyfriend had "trailer trash" nails, she was very mortified at the thought of being perceived as a lesbian (ironically, she's now engaged to a cis-girl) which confused me because I had a deep voice, flat chest, how would they conclude I am a cis-girl based on my acrylic nails - unless I am missing something here? She kept hounding me until I finally surrendered, put my hands up and said, "Go ahead, take them off." When she took off the acrylic nails with a nail file, it traumatized me as I wasn't expecting it to hurt so much and damage the nails underneath. I was devastated that I was given absolutely no choice but to have them removed, all because my partner was afraid of, "Oh, what will the neighbors think?"

After that, for the remainder of the two months, I fell into depression. She was trying to force me into being somebody I was not, she was very vocal about hating all the aspects of my identity and forced me to suppress my femininity as much as she could. I felt suffocated and I was absolutely miserable because the person I thought who loved and accepted me for who I am was a lie. The relationship couldn't go on any further, it had to end. I would never marry or live with someone who refuses to accept who I am, even if I cared for them very much. It's too one-sided.

The difference between my partner and your wife is that my partner was not accepting at all - she completely rejected me as an individual if I did not meet her standards of what "male" is... which led me to re-think my gender identity and ultimately settle comfortably within non-binary. I don't know your wife very well but on the other hand, thankfully, your wife appears to be understanding - even if she struggles to understand the thought process and identity of being non-binary. She doesn't reject you - you both agree to a compromise without completely sacrificing either of your identities for good. I admire the strong relationship with such solid communication between the two of you - it's wonderful to see!

[Satinjoy]

Hi I am off forum for the weekend and will return Mon morning US time.  I have comments.. I am horrified at what was done to the kitty child here on that nail cut deal.... but its something we all need to be aware of in this world.

Blessings, more later my dears....
Love to all here

[Satinjoy]

Time is an enemy this morning.

I worry about EchelonHunt.  My protective instincts have been aroused and they are intense when that happens.

Having a forced nail strip, for me is rape.  The rage I feel over what happened to you is indescribable.

The concern I have is that the negative experience could poison your future loves and life.   Don't let that happen.  You are one of the most wonderful people on this forum, and we all see the great value and the innocent heart, priceless.  In  the world out there, that will be true again, and since the quality is now a rare one, you become of inestimable value as a beautiful androgyn, that mix as I understand it that blurs and combines binaries in a very wonderful way.  One I do not have.

Yes my wife and I are very fortunate.  I have one of the best therapists for this type transitions that a person could get, the entire transition has been about preserving the family and the marrage based on my understanding of their needs, and my understanding of how to work with my self perception to validate any component needed to remain sane.  Some days it is harder to validate the male than others.  Right now I have a forced haircut, I handed my wife the scizzors before going to a family function and she cut off all of my hair.  I had asked for a trim, I got a businessman.  Aisla was online with me through that as we expected whiplash and sie has seen me crack up here several times over dysphoria.  We got through it, because it was done out of love, but I do not want to ever do that again.  Its 2 months later and I can barely see a female lesbian presentation starting to show from my nose up.  I need to see that and more than that to stay sane. 

So yes, I am lucky.  I have intimacy with my wife, no sex.  Wonderful intimacy.  Its all part of the compromise of a marriage where divorce over dysphoria is simply not going to happen come hell or high water.  I simply cannot allow it to happen and I would die fighting if it did.

But what happened to you?  There is rage, but your nails, like mine now, will grow back, and you were set free from a lifelong trap that can no longer harm you, unless you carry the negative part of the betrayal in that relationship into your future ones.  That is what you need to be careful of, the answer to it is forgiveness, and knowing that the negative will help you deeply appreciate the positive you will have with the next love of you life.   

It happened to me, my wife was unspeakably treated by a spouse in an arranged marriage, and I was betrayed in a very serious relationship with a blond bombshell.  Those experiences allow us to both transcend the past and fully embrace each other in the present, as I sleep in her arms, genderqueer to the max- two binaries at the same time, and accepted in that actually authentic presentation.  A male who is female bodied, yet is not a male, nor is the body fully female.  Components of both sexes assembled together as they were created, as totally weird as it is.  Only in here could I handle that without losing my mind.

Helps being full female at times, like now.  And full male when in the bull ring of construction or racing.

How on earth did this happen to us....

DES in my case.  No question in my mind this is classic DES trans scenario.  For others the question is moot, it is, as with me, what do we do with the fact that we are truly nonbinary.  Why's don't matter.

Nobody deserves to be forced to present due to social pressure and perception.  Even presenting male, I have my nails, my breasts, my eyes, and my truth.  Nobody can take those away from me.  Not anymore, not after the last forced stealth escapade.

Nails out, enraged, and hoping something here helps the special kittychild.

Interview sounds great by the way, and of course, I identify, you ran exactly the same scenario I run in business..... only difference is minor anatomic deviations.

Thank  you so much for posting my dear.  You are a blessing and a gift to us here.

Nails out, hair down, resolved to be free and silence the cismen who are nothing more than brutal as---oles decieved by their own testosterone and social programming.  I spit on it.

By the way its so wonderful to have transmen or transandro female bodied to talk to.  We have such a huge advantage in dialogues over the city dwellers, I love every second of it.

Love to all here.

[EchelonHunt]

Thank you, Satinjoy - please don't worry about me though! I hoped that no feelings of negativity would seep through the post seeing as I have moved on but inevitably, speaking of past experiences will almost always let those emotions rise to the surface once again.

Hair is a funny thing, isn't it? Getting my hair cut is a struggle for me, even if it is a trim. The hairdressers always seem to take more than just a simple trim off so while it isn't as extreme as your situation, I can relate to those feelings. I am in the process of growing my hair out and recently, entertaining the thought of getting my nails done again.

I have forgiven my ex-partner - the moment I did, it gave me the freedom to explore myself again. I'm not actively searching for anyone at the moment as I feel I have a lot of work on myself to do before entering a relationship again but that's not to say I've given up on love - far from it. The negative experiences I had certainly opened my eyes to the positives - like the reality I was ignoring for a long time. I never cared for identifying as male other than, "Will it get my breasts removed and stop my periods? Got it." It seems manipulative from a medical standpoint but that's the path I took and I stand by it.

Just yesterday, I looked at myself in the mirror and smiled. It happened again today. I've accepted myself - both physically and mentally, both flaws and the positive attributes.

Transandro, I love that term!

[Taka]

wow, that's great!

i've also managed to accept myself like that, but it took way too long. so much time wasted on running from myself.
still, i wouldn't have become the person i am now without that experience, so i can't really mourn the past. i'm glad to be me after all.