I'm not sure of the right place to post this, so feel free to move it.
The good news is my insurance will pay for top surgery. That's great. And this summer was wicked hard. I feel like I can face another summer with my stupid, awful moobs. To meet my insurance's qualifications my psychologist must write a letter. She had said yes but this week she recanted.
I've seen her for years for PTSD and other mental health issues. And in the last year we've been dealing with gender issues. She's so awesome she even went out and got continuing education credits in gender issues so she could better help me and have all the qualifications my insurance requires.
Obviously I don't like it at all, but I understand where she's coming from. I have issues with taking care of myself. Her and I have been emailing back and forth and this is what she said, "If you get the surgery before you learn how to take it easy when you're hurt, tired, or injured, you can do some very serious damage to your body. I care about you and your future. I don't want to risk you doing anything that could jeopardize your health or result in a traumatic post-surgical experience."
I have a badly broken finger and have been told if I'm not careful I will need pins and last week I was rearranging some furniture. It was after I broke my finger that I slipped into eating disorder behaviors. There was a whole lot of other stuff going on but that put me over the edge. (I am back on track with eating.) And this is nothing new. I just... it's like I have to prove I'm tough and that I can take care of myself. And like I never believe my pain is real. When it happened, I knew I broke my finger and it was so bruised and swollen but I went two days before going to the doctor because I kept thinking "what if it isn't really broken?" Like the only thing that validated how I was feeling, even though the entire finger was bruised and swollen with limited mobility, is the fact that the finger was broken.
I've been this way my whole life. As a kid it wasn't useful or safe to have problems or be in pain. And I was always trying to prove I was tough. I was in this stupid small girl body and trying to be a boy. I had to be tougher than a boy. And not going into detail I went through some seriously crazy-making stuff which made it hard to know what was real and easy to discount my own experience
So this is super long and I don't know how anyone can help me sort this stuff out but I'm seriously confused now. And yes, I will be talking more with my therapist.
