I'm not sure of the right place to post this, so feel free to move it.

The good news is my insurance will pay for top surgery. That's great. And this summer was wicked hard. I feel like I can face another summer with my stupid, awful moobs. To meet my insurance's qualifications my psychologist must write a letter. She had said yes but this week she recanted.

I've seen her for years for PTSD and other mental health issues. And in the last year we've been dealing with gender issues. She's so awesome she even went out and got continuing education credits in gender issues so she could better help me and have all the qualifications my insurance requires.

Obviously I don't like it at all, but I understand where she's coming from. I have issues with taking care of myself. Her and I have been emailing back and forth and this is what she said, "If you get the surgery before you learn how to take it easy when you're hurt, tired, or injured, you can do some very serious damage to your body. I care about you and your future. I don't want to risk you doing anything that could jeopardize your health or result in a traumatic post-surgical experience."

I have a badly broken finger and have been told if I'm not careful I will need pins and last week I was rearranging some furniture. It was after I broke my finger that I slipped into eating disorder behaviors. There was a whole lot of other stuff going on but that put me over the edge. (I am back on track with eating.) And this is nothing new. I just... it's like I have to prove I'm tough and that I can take care of myself. And like I never believe my pain is real. When it happened, I knew I broke my finger and it was so bruised and swollen but I went two days before going to the doctor because I kept thinking "what if it isn't really broken?" Like the only thing that validated how I was feeling, even though the entire finger was bruised and swollen with limited mobility, is the fact that the finger was broken.

I've been this way my whole life. As a kid it wasn't useful or safe to have problems or be in pain. And I was always trying to prove I was tough. I was in this stupid small girl body and trying to be a boy. I had to be tougher than a boy. And not going into detail I went through some seriously crazy-making stuff which made it hard to know what was real and easy to discount my own experience

So this is super long and I don't know how anyone can help me sort this stuff out but I'm seriously confused now. And yes, I will be talking more with my therapist.

Hi baby. It sounds to me like you have a very caring Psychologist to me. The fact she is worried should make you feel good that she is looking out for you and wants you to have the best possible healthy results. I used to be the same way as you as in working injured, making small things bigger, etc. It was a part of my career for 28 years. It was drilled into me that only the weak take off or take it easy when they are hurt. Now I look back and wonder how I lived this long. One year ago I had an experience that made me look at how hard I tore my body up and I needed to change, a LOT. I had surgery for gall bladder removal and a liver biopsy. Before I was released from the hospital a tornado struck multiple communities here in Oklahoma. It was devastating with some homeless and without power for months. A relief supply location was set up for food. clothing, etc. just a few miles from my house. Even though I was told no lifting or anything for a couple of weeks, yup, you guessed it, my previous career ideology kicked in and I went to help out. I did way much more than I should have and every night I had to go home and re suture myself where I had torn my surgical sutures out. My Therapist said the same thing yours did that if I could not take better care of myself no SRS letter would even be discussed. It took a few months, but I have now learned to take it easy and heal properly from whatever injury I have. Seeing this new change of attitude my SRS letter will be available Jan 1st 2015. My words of wisdom to you, Learn to take care of yourself and know you ARE NOT weak for taking time off to properly heal from sickness or injury. There is no weakness in doing the right thing for your body. 

Jessica, will you adopt  me? Or marry me?   

I'm glad to know I'm not alone in this issue. And I'm really glad you are taking better care of yourself. How did you turn it around? I know this should probably be very basic stuff it's like I missed the instruction book on self-care.

I'm trying today. I took a short hike because that's fun and have done a few chores but right now I'm taking a break. And I'm being super careful of my hand