I like how I feel on HRT so far, but I am scared, here's why:

[Shawn Sunshine]

So It has now been 1 month and one week since I have been on estrogen and 2 months on spiro (albeit both low doses). I love how I am feeling mentally for the most part. I love that my skin is getting soft and that my nipples are starting to get sensitive a little. But what I keeping going to sleep on is a certain fear of how people are starting to perceive me. I also am thinking about how my family and friends would react. I also then wonder sometimes if I am betraying the history of our family and would be seen as even more of a black sheep Than I am now. So here I am with this internal dilema, I know I feel good. I know I am a two spirit and both male and female. Yet I still am very afraid. I have tried my best to put this all aside, but It doesnt always work that way.

[CrissyMarie]

I completely understand how you feel.  All the things that come from HRT are worth it.  Yes, family is a big factor in deciding on doing what we do.  For the most part that I have seen as I have had fears of it as well.  Your family will love you the same, but they may feel they are losing who they have known and raised their whole life.  It took my mother quite a while to start convincing that this is who I am, this is happening.  She is finally coming around and even assisting with things, such as clothes, and makeup, etc.  Let me explain a bit more, and go into this fear you have.  My brother is gay, and I am transgender.  We are the last 2 "males" in our family tree to have a child to continue our family heritage.  Our family heritage is so deeply rooted into America, that it might shock you, as I have not talked about it on here before.  But let's just say my family heritage goes back about 600 years when a certain someone, founded an oldest city in the US, and brought with him 3 families.  Ya, my last name is pretty historical.  So here I am sitting on this dilemma, and I have came to the conclusion that, I will not stay a "male" in order to continue on my families name, for the sake of being able to make a child.  My brother has thought about having a surrogate,  so that is about the extent of where I am.  So, I am not one to push you or stop you.  I am simply giving you a bit of advice and motivation to keep pushing toward you goals.  Otherwise, you might just end up stepping back saying, I waited to long and now I may never experience life the way I was meant to.  Much love and respect for you Hun. - Christina

[Shawn Sunshine]

Oh I see, yes thats my worry, my grandma and grandma have a book written about them, they were both pow's in the war in manilla philippines (WW2).

As far as further back in history, Daniel Boone is an ancestor, also related to one of Abraham Lincoln's best friends.

[Stephe]

I don't want to rain on your parade but... You know you are going to have boobs right? And it will change things about you enough where people are going to notice. If you aren't comfortable having boobs now or being open about who you are with your family, I'd wonder about being on HRT. You aren't going to be able to put that aside for very long.

I lived full time for over 2 years before I started HRT, I wanted to make sure I really wanted to live my life as a woman before I changed my body. I know some people feel they can't go full time until HRT changes their body, for me it was the opposite. Like I said, I don't want to stress you out further but you need to stop trying to "put this aside" and deal with it if you plan to stay on HRT IMHO. 

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi Shawn.

......... Yet I still am very afraid. I have tried my best to put this all aside, but It doesnt always work that way.

And that is the worst thing you can do. Now that you've started in earnest your transition NOTHING can be put aside. All those fears, and more, will have to be confronted; head on. You've accepted responsibility for your HT programme, your going to have to accept the responsibility for all other aspects of your transition.

You must now take the lead. Use this fear in a positive way to drive you forward; in control.

If you have any difficulty in seeing the need for this, or are unable to map out a plan; see a gender therapist NOW. These, and many more issues WILL NOT go away, unresolved.

Even the decision, not to make a decision, is not an option. If you choose to do nothing, or little about these issues, I can guarantee things will only get worse.

Without being disrespectful, Daniel Boone, Abraham Lincoln and others have absolutely nothing to do with your current life and welfare. Transition is all about you; nobody else. As you're told on every plane trip you take, put your own oxygen mask on first, before you attempt to help anyone else. The same principle applies to life. Fix yourself up first before you take on others. Get yourself off to a therapist and embrace and enjoy the growth you experience.

With love and respect.
Catherine   

[Shawn Sunshine]

I already have been seeing different therapists, and see one now. I have all that worked out here in San Francisco. I guess you all missed my real point here. I feel emotionally great and love the physical changes that are happening. I am just wondering how to live as the two spirit that I am. I don't want to throw away everything that I am in exchange for everything new. I am seeking to get the balance I have never had. So far I seem balanced. The fears are about the future and don't think they will go away.

[AnneB]

Cath, I may be mistaken, but I think Shawn here was blowing some Sunshine up someones skirt.. I think she fergot the :p face..  talking about knowing Lincoln..  wouldnt be the first time I was wrong about humor tho 

SS, hon..  I had just wrote in another thread.. remember, you will not become Dolly Parton, Rachel Welch, or even Roseanne Barr overnight, nor in a week, a month, or likely, a year.  So do not fret over an idea you will suddenly look like a guy with boobs... um, that would be me..

Not trying to be Lil Miss Raincloud here, but you will have to realize, and accept, the very likelihood your family -will- drop you like a bad habit.  Mine did.  My mom and sister both, along with my two brothers.  My wife also (I'm moving out this week).  No this is not about me, but is said for you to realize, and as I said, be prepared to accept, that they will -not- accept you, nor what you are doing.

I have, and it hurts immensely.  I cry every time I think I will not get to see my kids, or wife anymore, knowing I'm moving in with a friend and co-worker, I will -finally- be in a place that accepts, and even encourages me to live my life truthfully now.  No more lying to myself, or to my family.

Friends..  thats a very good point how they will perceive you..  this one shocked the crap out of me..  I have come out to about 65 of my friends, from my youth, school, neighborhood, work, and hobbies..  65.. 2, have not written me back in at least a week.. the other 63.. I was just overwhelmed at their level of acceptance.. the guys, esp!  I have told 6 guys, and 5 of them, are totally behind me, supporting me, not getting a rope, or clubs.  3 of them have known me since 3rd or 4th grade.. so.. a lil while.. the girls I have told.. surprised me the most.  1 has not answered yet.. the others, well, most want to dress me, do my hair and makeup and go do the town.. what does that say??

Unless you live in an unaccepting state (was going to name a few, but did not wish to offend anyone), where most would gut you, let you bleed out and walk away laughing, I think you'll really do better with friends than family.  But that's just my guessing..

If you can not be prepped to give up family, if you can not walk away from them for your final sake of happiness, and not worry about perceptions..  then you should wait.  But your feelings will only get stronger as you get older.  This 55+yr old girl knows how hard it gets.

Paula

[katiej]

I get the family heritage issue.  In families with proud histories, we grow up knowing that there are certain expectations of us.  And often we place those expectations on ourselves.  At least that's how it's been for me.  And it's taken me quite a few years to give myself permission to pursue a non-traditional path.

I'm not yet out to my dad, and honestly that's the conversation that scares me the most.  Ultimately I believe he'll accept me, but it will take some time for him to reconcile what he's hoped for my life with what it will be. 

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi Shawn,

My apologies for my lack of underanding and misreading your needs. I see what you're talking about. How have your therapists commented on this need?

One question you will have to endure is; is keeping this duality a realistic expectation? Will it compromise your outcomes?

Any move towards the future, in any sense, is always fraught with danger. Trying to determine tomorrows needs / aspirations based on yesterday's understandings / experiences is a minefield for disaster, if acceptance and realistic expectations aren't part of your calculus.

One should never really paint tomorrows canvas with yesterday's colours.

This could become quite an important matter if your journey includes GCS. Once the mind "sees" the body is finally congruent, with it's understanding, then any male spirituality may be confronted with an ownership / possession issue.

Huggs
Catherine

P.S. Paula, thanks for the heads up. 

[Shawn Sunshine]

No Honest! I swear its true! I went back in time and helped Abraham Lincoln slay vampires! 

**but seriously thank you all for your words of insight, i shall try to paint my canvas with the colors of tommorow**

[JoanneB]

I already have been seeing different therapists, and see one now. I have all that worked out here in San Francisco. I guess you all missed my real point here. I feel emotionally great and love the physical changes that are happening. I am just wondering how to live as the two spirit that I am. I don't want to throw away everything that I am in exchange for everything new. I am seeking to get the balance I have never had. So far I seem balanced. The fears are about the future and don't think they will go away.

Ahhh My favorite(?) current dilemma, Will going full time allow me to feel happier, at what cost? Costs, real and imagined, being great unknowns. Then throw in the "I don't want to be any more of a disappointment" factor brought on by my old friends Shame & Guilt.

I've been on HRT now about 6 years, lived part time for a while, and now circumstances dictate essentially no being out in the real world as the real me. Yet, thanks to my TG Support group, lots of working on myself and some help from therapy the dysphoria is generally not as bad as it was. I am happy being in my skin thanks to HRT. I can actually look in a mirror in male mode. Life is mostly OK

So... Is the next step worth it?
All I know so far every very scary step was. The next one or two or three are going to be the scariest and possibly the most costly, if at all. So far all this has cost me were a few gallons of tears

[kelly_aus]

I'm related to a guy who served as Governor-General of Australia, recently. I'm also descended from a branch of the family that held many important and influential positions in the early days of Australia and it's maker colonies. It's not something I ever considered as a reason for or against transition. After all, how can I properly honour my family is I cannot honour myself.

I already have been seeing different therapists, and see one now. I have all that worked out here in San Francisco. I guess you all missed my real point here. I feel emotionally great and love the physical changes that are happening. I am just wondering how to live as the two spirit that I am. I don't want to throw away everything that I am in exchange for everything new. I am seeking to get the balance I have never had. So far I seem balanced. The fears are about the future and don't think they will go away.

Only you can work out how to live as you, but here's a tip, life is change, the change never stops. And as for exchanging who you are for something new? I think you are over thinking it. I'm not all that different now to the person I was before hormones or transition. Main difference is that I'm happier and have a future. I'm not a binary type, but I do lean heavily to one side. I've found my balance, but in order to find it, I had to take some risks.

[cookieworks]

Without having read any of the responses thus far, I may have a bit of insight.

Sometimes, people just don't care.

Here's what I mean.

I told my boss I was trans about 6 months into HRT. He didn't fire me; in fact, I ended up with a raise and a promotion later on.

My grandparents are totally old-school; my stepdad's dad is a highly conservative religious nut (not to be mean to anyone religious, but he is) and his wife is the same. My mom's parents are old-school Italian people, and her grandmother (my great) speaks nothing in English. I thought they would disown me... My grandparents are paying for SRS for me and are putting me through my first two years of college. They also bought me a car!!!!

My mom and stepdad I thought would be going through so much confusion and grief from living with a "boy" for so long that suddenly turned into a girl. My mom did for a moment; my stepdad struggled with my name. But in the end, both of them are the biggest supporters I have and the biggest supporters I will probably EVER have. My sister was only worried about how people would look at me... Honestly, so was I.

All of my close friends grew closer because I was showing my true colors. Those who acted like bigots... If something so insignificant in the grand scheme of things as being transgender ruins their bond with you, then (with all due respect) they don't DESERVE to be friends with you. As for the bullies, the people who will hurt you on purpose, and all of them... Ignore them. They crave reactions from people; if you fail to allow yourself to be victimized by them, they will eventually get bored of trying to bully you. It sounds absurd, ridiculous, whatever... but it's true!!!!! I found it to be at least. And I went through most of my junior year and my entire senior year of high school dealing with being transgender. And my school was in one of the worst possible settings imaginable.

I'm not trying to sugar-coat anything, but the point is that you can't get so caught up in how you think everyone will perceive you to hide from the world. Don't victimize yourself, because you're beautiful.

You're a beautiful creature. A marvelous construction of connected atoms in a vast system that fits very nicely within itself. You are a beautifully talented creature. You share the ability to reason, the complexity of brain function, all of those marvelous adaptations in the human body. The sooner you realize that you are beautiful, the sooner you will be able to find happiness. And screw everyone who can't see it.

That is all.

[peky]

I completely understand how you feel.  All the things that come from HRT are worth it.  Yes, family is a big factor in deciding on doing what we do.  For the most part that I have seen as I have had fears of it as well.  Your family will love you the same, but they may feel they are losing who they have known and raised their whole life.  It took my mother quite a while to start convincing that this is who I am, this is happening.  She is finally coming around and even assisting with things, such as clothes, and makeup, etc.  Let me explain a bit more, and go into this fear you have.  My brother is gay, and I am transgender.  We are the last 2 "males" in our family tree to have a child to continue our family heritage.  Our family heritage is so deeply rooted into America, that it might shock you, as I have not talked about it on here before.  But let's just say my family heritage goes back about 600 years when a certain someone, founded an oldest city in the US, and brought with him 3 families.  Ya, my last name is pretty historical.  So here I am sitting on this dilemma, and I have came to the conclusion that, I will not stay a "male" in order to continue on my families name, for the sake of being able to make a child.  My brother has thought about having a surrogate,  so that is about the extent of where I am.  So, I am not one to push you or stop you.  I am simply giving you a bit of advice and motivation to keep pushing toward you goals.  Otherwise, you might just end up stepping back saying, I waited to long and now I may never experience life the way I was meant to.  Much love and respect for you Hun. - Christina

The oldest city in the USA founded by Europeans is Childersburg, Alabama, funded by the Spaniard Captain Hernado De Soto in 1540....

Next, San Augustine, Florida, funded by the Spaniard Admiral Pedro Menéndez de Avilés in 1565...

well, if not Spaniard then we have Jamestown funded in 1607 by the English Captain Christopher Newport, or

Province town funded by Capt. Christopher Jones in 1620. The Plymouth are had been previously explored and named  by Captain John Smith.

now can you tell us which one ?