Not feeling too awesome at the moment

[Gothic Dandy]

It's been hardly a month since I realized I wanted (er, needed?) to transition from one thing to another. Sometimes it's liberating and makes so much sense. Other times it's so terrifying it drives me mad. I don't understand how something can make me feel so perfect sometimes and kill me other times.

Is anybody on the forum this late? I tried using the chat and couldn't figure out how to make it work. I think I just need to talk to like-minded people.

[LordKAT]

People here from around the world so the site never sleeps.

As to chat, do you know anything about IRC?

[Ms Grace]

It's not an uncommon feeling. What do you feel is behind the feelings of fear and terror? What do you feel will happen if you do transition?

[Gothic Dandy]

Taka showed me how to work the irc chatroom last night, but I was already feeling ok by then. Getting up out of bed, walking around, and poking through the forum helped.

I think it's fear of the unknown, fear of this foreign territory, not fear of anything specific happening. I also think some of it is not really fear, but I can't pinpoint what it is, exactly. Shame?

Wait. Yes. It's shame.

Yesterday my husband brought up some more reasons why he didn't think I was "a man" (I'm not a transman, I'm transmasculine) after I shared some thoughts I'd repressed. His solution to this issue seems to be "teach her to accept that she is cisgender with a few variant traits."

I was also thinking about another thread I started about my therapist, in which he sounds much less suited to my needs than I previously thought. I'm not sure how I expected him to help me accept myself when even he won't accept that I'm transgender.

Probably those things triggered the intense discomfort I felt last night.

Thanks for your concern, LordKAT and Ms Grace.