It's been hardly a month since I realized I wanted (er, needed?) to transition from one thing to another. Sometimes it's liberating and makes so much sense. Other times it's so terrifying it drives me mad. I don't understand how something can make me feel so perfect sometimes and kill me other times.

Is anybody on the forum this late? I tried using the chat and couldn't figure out how to make it work. I think I just need to talk to like-minded people.

People here from around the world so the site never sleeps.

As to chat, do you know anything about IRC?

It's not an uncommon feeling. What do you feel is behind the feelings of fear and terror? What do you feel will happen if you do transition?

Taka showed me how to work the irc chatroom last night, but I was already feeling ok by then. Getting up out of bed, walking around, and poking through the forum helped.

I think it's fear of the unknown, fear of this foreign territory, not fear of anything specific happening. I also think some of it is not really fear, but I can't pinpoint what it is, exactly. Shame?

Wait. Yes. It's shame.

Yesterday my husband brought up some more reasons why he didn't think I was "a man" (I'm not a transman, I'm transmasculine) after I shared some thoughts I'd repressed. His solution to this issue seems to be "teach her to accept that she is cisgender with a few variant traits."

I was also thinking about another thread I started about my therapist, in which he sounds much less suited to my needs than I previously thought. I'm not sure how I expected him to help me accept myself when even he won't accept that I'm transgender.

Probably those things triggered the intense discomfort I felt last night.

Thanks for your concern, LordKAT and Ms Grace.