Trans Dating: What in the World?

[Lara the Lover and the Fighter]

So, I am newly single.  I figured, why not give dating a go.  Why not?

The problem is, I don't have any idea where to begin.  As a male, dating was NOT my forte.  I sucked.  I was awkward, weird, ect ect.  I found girlfriends but it was always someone who I sort of stumbled into.

Now, it is completely different!  My awkward male persona has become a sort of shy female.  I am confident but nervous.  Femme and kinda glamorous but rough and tough at the same time.  Its fun learning about myself.

I don't like to tell people I am transgender but I recently had a scary encounter trying to be stealth.  Yikes.  Disclosure is a must.

Is anyone else having this problem?

How do you find someone who accepts all your little kinks and your anatomy?  How do you know if you even what to find that person?  What is it like dating with your new gender? 

There is nothing worse that finding someone who is interested in you until they learn that you are transgender.  Hey! I'm still that person that you thought was nice or alright or whatever.

This is all interesting to me.  The challenges; the newness of it all.  It's very difficult so far but what would be the fun if it were easy?

[Juliett]

 Safest and easiest would be to start in LGB friendly places.

[Julia-Madrid]

Lara, you have an equally perplexed sister over here!

Safest and easiest would be to start in LGB friendly places.

Oh dear, Juliett, must we really hang around LGBT friendly places in the hope of getting a date?  I do hope not!

My questions are very similar to Lara's.  I was married (to a woman) for 12 years, and now, looking for a comparatively normal (male) is quite a daunting task. Yes, I had gay lovers during my 2 years testing to see if I could live in the gay world, but ultimately it was not for me.

Bear in mind that despite our transient anatomy,  many of us just want a some flavour of a middle-class suburban existence, with no mention of trans-anything.  This isn't denial of who we are, just a statement of a hoped-for outcome.  And it is, as Lara says, the challenge of the newness of it. 

Also, the absolutely last thing I want is a "->-bleeped-<- ->-bleeped-<-", and anecdotal evidence from some transwomen I have met in Madrid suggests that I'll find plenty of those, but not so many genuine sincere men open enough to be with us during and after our transitions.

[Lara the Lover and the Fighter]

->-bleeped-<- ->-bleeped-<-s terrify me!  Yikes!  It would be nice to feel as "normal" as possible.  At the same time, I love being transgender and I am proud of it.  I want someone who agrees with that.  I am transgender and that is not a bad thing.  Its actually an amazing thing about me. There lies the difficulty.  Finding someone that truly agrees.


Tricky tricky tricky!

[big kim]

 Trans Dating: What in the World? Disappointment is the nicest word I can think of to describe dating

[Jessica Merriman]

Lara, you have an equally perplexed sister over here!

Add me to your list Julia!!

I am wanting so badly to get out there and find Mr. Right, but have no idea as well how to go about it. I get really nervous when I disclose and they still seem interested. All I can think is "->-bleeped-<-" and that is not what I want. If I ever get past this suspicious stage I think I will be OK, but I am still stuck in it, argh! 

[Julia-Madrid]

It is really a funny thing, though...  A few weeks ago I was commenting to a work colleague that, while I was thrilled with my world, there was a tiny splinter of doubt whether anyone would go for me as a woman.   And two days later I was out with the brother of a close female friend of mind, and, well...     

Turns out that this young man is a strong admirer of transgender women.  But I know that the itch he wants to scratch will only last until I get my bottom bits fixed, and in any event, he's 18 years younger than me, and has a world of living ahead of him that I've already done.  It's cool to attract a 27 year old, but toyboys are not really my thing.  Still, it gave me a thrill, and more-or-less answered a key existential question...

Now to find the gentleman who's just a tiny bit older and more established...  We'd make a great team... But where...

[CrissyMarie]

Ok, so here is my advice on dating since I'm currently with my first boyfriend and present as his girlfriend 24/7.  I put a profile mentioning being mtf and transgender on okcupid, didn't dwell on that instead talked about feminine interests and set my gender on there as female.  I had tons of views and messages of guys interested in me and after weeding out the pervs and ->-bleeped-<-s I found a sweet guy, who is straight, and treats me as the woman I am.  So a dating site is a huge advantage.  If interested, look my profile up to see how I did mine.  My user name is Flirty-Skirts.  So just thought I would throw out that idea for you all.

[suzifrommd]

Dating has been a frustration for me. In short, no one is interested.

I'm sure there are many people out there who would want a tall, intelligent, funny, caring, successful, financially independent, middle-aged post-op transgender woman with a svelte figure.

I haven't a clue how to meet them.

Online dating has been a major frustration. The last ten or so contacts I made, no one answered. I'm burned out on it.

[Julia-Madrid]

Ok, so here is my advice on dating since I'm currently with my first boyfriend and present as his girlfriend 24/7.  I put a profile mentioning being mtf and transgender on okcupid, didn't dwell on that instead talked about feminine interests and set my gender on there as female.  I had tons of views and messages of guys interested in me and after weeding out the pervs and ->-bleeped-<-s I found a sweet guy, who is straight, and treats me as the woman I am.  So a dating site is a huge advantage.  If interested, look my profile up to see how I did mine.  My user name is Flirty-Skirts.  So just thought I would throw out that idea for you all.

Thanks CrissyMarie!   The following comments are not a moan - far from it - but rather some general observations. 

Firstly your avatar suggests you are quite young, and this is a major advantage in terms of meeting people who are flexible and not set in their ways.  You look a generation younger than me, and you "kids" see things differently from the crusty ol' folk I have around me  (I am partly joking, but only partly!)

There's no doubt that country and cultural differences play a strong part.  I live in Spain, and the age demographic that would interest me is early-40s.  This means a majority of Spanish men who are mostly mommy's boys, dragging around some Catholic and maternal guilt, and quite possibly an ex-wife and kids.  Truly I could handle all of that, but I strongly doubt that these men and their entourages could handle me, since I'd categorise myself as a highly emancipated woman  !   It might have to be a foreigner, which would also suit me fine...

The single professional expat scene will shortly resume here after the summer break, so I'm thinking of getting myself dolled up and will have a look... 

[Lara the Lover and the Fighter]

So yeah I made an OkCupid profile a few days ago as a bisexual female.  Holy crap there are so many people looking for threesomes!  They were all like, "Hey would you be cool with joining my husband and I for some fun?" 

"Not really!" LOL!!!



Anyway, today I met two girls.  It was interesting because we had many similar interests.  Keep in mind this was around the same time that I posted this today.  We talk and talk and really have really been getting along!  I sigh to myself and say, "Yeah I'd better tell them I am trans.  This is getting too enjoyable." 

So I tell them each pretty much at the same time.  I'm expecting them to not respond or say "WTH???" or something.

A few minutes later.....one of them responds and I learn that she is studying gender issues at the local university!! Holy crap right??? She was so knowledgeable about it and SO SWEET! I can't wait for her to get out of class so we can talk some more!

This isn't the end of the story.  The other girl.  Wow, we had so much in common.  It was scary.  I was disappointed to tell her because I didn't want to feel the rejection.  She asked about my kids and my ex wife.

"How did you guys have the kids? Adoption?" 

I respond, "No I was their father and now I am their other mother."

"I am transgender"

I let out a deep sigh of sadness because I just knew she would want someone with a vagina or something along those lines.  I pocketed my phone and decided to move on with my day.

Suddenly, my phone chimes and I had received a new message.

She says, "That's okay, I'm transgender too."


OMG! I almost dropped my phone. I couldn't believe it!  I really don't know what will come of it but if at the least I can gain a friend, then that would be amazing!  What are the odds of finding another trans girl like that?  Neither of us knew that we were trans. 


Yeah, so far this has been an interesting 3 days of trying to date someone and I hate to admit.......I feel like this whole story will end in the friend zone.  Just the vibes I am getting.


Maybe I'll give your idea a try Crissymarie. 


I'm Laratheowl on OkCupid BTW.  I would date pretty much all of you hotties! ^.^

[Greeneyedrebel]

Is it ok for the guys to chime in? If anyone feels the need to move or delete this, I understand.

We face similar fears, and after many years of failed attempts at getting any sort of healthy/stable relationship to happen I was pretty much at the "give up" stage. If I was going to be alone, I was going to a happy alone person, living as who I KNOW I AM.

Then, lightning struck. A very good friend of mine (who I have certainly had a thing for the entire nearly 10 years I've known her) shyly asks me over dinner one night "What if I end up with feelings for you?" Like this would be a bad thing. LOL A few years ago while drunk we both admitted to having a thing for each other, but despite being bi, her choice in relationships is strictly with men.

We talked and talked and talked and took it all very slow......and continuously surprised ourselves with how easy everything fell into place and how natural being together feels. She is also very creative and willing where it comes to finding ways to confirm my masculinity and finding ways for me to enjoy it.

I guess what I'm trying to say is DON'T give up, DON'T lose hope. Being the YOU that YOU have always known you are inside can have powerful and positive ripples.

[CrissyMarie]

Thanks CrissyMarie!   The following comments are not a moan - far from it - but rather some general observations. 

Firstly your avatar suggests you are quite young, and this is a major advantage in terms of meeting people who are flexible and not set in their ways.  You look a generation younger than me, and you "kids" see things differently from the crusty ol' folk I have around me  (I am partly joking, but only partly!)

Wow, as kind as that is, I'm 30 years old, 31 in November.  I'm far from being considered a "kid".  Being on HRT for 6 months has took away some years on looks. (Thankfully).  You should see the old me, XD I looked like Kurt Cobain.  I swear to god.

Here is me last year, pre HRT


Here is another.


Here is me as of yesterday

[Julia-Madrid]

Wow, as kind as that is, I'm 30 years old, 31 in November.  I'm far from being considered a "kid".  Being on HRT for 6 months has took away some years on looks. (Thankfully).  You should see the old me, XD I looked like Kurt Cobain.  I swear to god.

Isn't it incredible how we go from so obviously male to so obviously female!?  Really gives us hope.  Here in my company quite a lot of people simply don't recognise me since I went full time, and I'm getting stopped at passport control too often, and they always apologise afterwards.

OK, so I won't call you a "kid" 

Is it ok for the guys to chime in? If anyone feels the need to move or delete this, I understand.

We face similar fears, and after many years of failed attempts at getting any sort of healthy/stable relationship to happen I was pretty much at the "give up" stage. If I was going to be alone, I was going to a happy alone person, living as who I KNOW I AM.

Good heavens Mr Rebel, no sexism on this thread if we can help it - join in!  I totally agree with your comment.  In my coming out letter to my parents, the first draft stated that I had made my peace with possibly being unpartnered for ever.  My sister, who got first viewing, was aghast and made me delete that part. 

[Sammy]

Lara, I did a similar thing. I simply posted an ad stating who I am, what I am not and stating the preferences. Of course, I received tons of replies from creeps and ->-bleeped-<-s, some of them made me feel really uncomfortable (especially, since I had never encountered any type of online abuse before, so this was... "reassuring"), but eventually I weeded them all out and it left me with a couple of really nice guys. Several e-mail exchanges later, I made the choice and a couple of weeks later we met for a coffee. There will definitely be another cup of coffee and another - we'll see if this will stay as a friendship or evolve into something else, but yeah - he is straight (maybe slightly leaning towards bi-curious), he is not Your typical ->-bleeped-<- at all and has very healthy and sane views about trans issues. Besides, he was the only one who started with right pronouns and sticked to them. So, yeah, they are there, but You need some luck and lots of patience. Another thing is, of course, a totally different dynamic... You have to make the first move by stating that You are available to approach. And then make them sweat  while You scrutinise them and make Your choices. Quite fun and novel experience, btw .


Whoa, CrissyMarie - when I saw Your avatar for the first time, I kinda assumed that You fell in that 22-25 y.o. "youngsters" range . So Julia was not the only one who made that mistake .

[Lara the Lover and the Fighter]

Emily you're so cool.  I want to take you out of a cup of coffee. Strictly platonic, I swear!

But seriously....this is really hard.  I'm just starting to see.  I mean...its been like 10 years since I have even thought about this sort of thing.  I mean...just weeding out the scary types is hard enough.  Then out of those people, how many are actually interested in you??  THEN, out of those people, how many are you actually interested in? 

I can see now that this is going to be a marathon filled with pot holes, fire breathing dragons, and Klingon at every corner.  I don't want to date a Klingon. :/