The nonbinary process- tell us of your journey down that path to the forest

[Satinjoy]

Julie if you pm me you will get that call from the car girl.

I wish I had more time, my journey just continues to change and get more and more intense as time progresses.  I need to comment here again later, maybe tomorrow, I know something is different, and it kind of scares me.  Satinjoy has become so strong...

Taka is that your shadow?  Its not the sootball.....  and cool comment from your friend.

I think people of female birth must have some really complicated stuff surgically to deal with in order to feel better.  Can't really envision it, looking it up on line would probably kind of blow my mind a bit.

Heading for the shrink today and bringing my youngest daughter with me, the poor thing is so damaged and needs help.  She has seen me full transition, is accepting.

Blessings.

[Taka]

it's the closest thing i could easily find to a shadow. sootball seems to have hidden under a bed somewhere, it will be back eventually.
this friend of mine is really cool, and.. uh.. more than just lgbt friendly. quite cis, but neither lesbian nor straight.

i hope your daughter will feel a little better soon. completely devastated is not the greatest feeling i've ever known.

[Noam]

When I was a kid I had no idea what gender I was, I remember being really confused. This confusion never left.  I remember hitting puberty and hating the changes my body went through, crying for no reason. At 16 I tried to come out as trans (after coming out as a lesbian) but quickly went back in the closet and stopped talking about it. I continued to struggle for years. I'm now 22, got my first few binders (finally) and am married to a wonderful person who accepts me for who I am.

[Shantel]

When I was a kid I had no idea what gender I was, I remember being really confused. This confusion never left.  I remember hitting puberty and hating the changes my body went through, crying for no reason. At 16 I tried to come out as trans (after coming out as a lesbian) but quickly went back in the closet and stopped talking about it. I continued to struggle for years. I'm now 22, got my first few binders (finally) and am married to a wonderful person who accepts me for who I am.

You can't beat that! Must be a real keeper!

[Noam]

She still struggles with it but I know she loves me for who I am beyond my gender

[Shantel]

She still struggles with it but I know she loves me for who I am beyond my gender

And isn't that really where the rubber meets the road? Obviously you both took your vows seriously, and then it became permanent! 

[sarahmarie.butterfly]

Oh, this will be quite boring read so proceed at Your own discretion.
I was born 36 years ago in the country which does not exist anymore. ...

...

Emily,

I was reading through this thread and am finding all the stories very familiar.  I found yours especially enlightening on an emotional level as I am still searching within myself.  I just started my journey of discovery and am finding the non-binary stories more of the path I have been following all these years.  Thank you for sharing and I am glad you are here!  Thank you!

-Sarah Marie

[Satinjoy]

Well the journey keeps on for me, having found my core and gender now it is becoming learning to embrace it, and to show more of it.

Where I struggle is that as a not male not female. I don't feel like I fit in anywhere but here, I feel very different, very alone, just too unique.  When I push the envelope to be more authentic all the decades of abuse hit, the depression comes, and I want to run away.

Part of the acceptance process I guess.

So, today for me too, it is just be.

I wish this wasn't so hard, but it is.

Still, it isn't bad considering what I am up against...the thing that took me by surprise is having to fight booze cravings again, they are back.

But that will also pass.

Emotional again.  It happens, then I drive all of you crazy, but what else can I do?

It's all survival with me, laced with periods of joy.

Crap I hate it when I get like this, bear with me, it will pass.

Satinjoy

[Taka]

just drive us crazy until it passes.
i've been driving people crazy too, it helped get through painful times.

[Jess42]

Well the journey keeps on for me, having found my core and gender now it is becoming learning to embrace it, and to show more of it.

Where I struggle is that as a not male not female. I don't feel like I fit in anywhere but here, I feel very different, very alone, just too unique.  When I push the envelope to be more authentic all the decades of abuse hit, the depression comes, and I want to run away.

Part of the acceptance process I guess.

So, today for me too, it is just be.

I wish this wasn't so hard, but it is.

Still, it isn't bad considering what I am up against...the thing that took me by surprise is having to fight booze cravings again, they are back.

But that will also pass.

Emotional again.  It happens, then I drive all of you crazy, but what else can I do?

It's all survival with me, laced with periods of joy.

Crap I hate it when I get like this, bear with me, it will pass.

Satinjoy

Oh hell Satinjoy. You can't drive me crazy, I've already taken that little trip. Kind of figured I would stay for a while.

That is just part of understanding who we really are.

As for your struggle hon. I don't fit in anywhere either. Don't really want to. I personally like being different. Some don't I know, some really want to fit in. But from my experience the less I try to fit in, the more that it seems like the less it matters.

A lot of times what you are describing like feeling very different, very alone, to unique or different sounds to me like a subconscious way of fighting it. The more you fight it the more you will feel the negativity of it. We all want to belong and we do. We are all humans and if it were not for the great diversity of the human race, it probably would have died out a long time ago. This is gonna' sound stupid and I don't want to make you mad or hurt or anything else but maybe instead of feeling like running away from it, try to run toward it and embrace it. Sounds to me from that first statement, in a subconscious way, you are running from it and then stopping to look back and letting it gain on you and seems to be gaining on you faster than you are running. And every time it gains ground you are accepting it a little bit more. But that is just my opinion and in no way of a professional capacity.

[Satinjoy]

Quite the process isn't it.  Today is a good day, it is getting better slowly all the time.

Being trans is a big thing to me, overwhelming if I think about it, but living.in the moment, I can fly...
I think you nailed it, my dear wild one, I don't say thank you enough either, and I appreciate you.
Thanks, agreed, it's what's real, but still a wild ride into my truth.

Blessings

Satinjoy

[Jess42]

Quite the process isn't it.  Today is a good day, it is getting better slowly all the time.

Being trans is a big thing to me, overwhelming if I think about it, but living.in the moment, I can fly...
I think you nailed it, my dear wild one, I don't say thank you enough either, and I appreciate you.
Thanks, agreed, it's what's real, but still a wild ride into my truth.

Blessings

Satinjoy

Oh Sweety. Just enjoy the "wild" ride. It is way more interesting than the boring Sunday drive. 90 MPH on twisting mountain roads never knowing if you are goanna' crash and burn. It's just interesting and have fun doing it and when you get to the bottom on the straight away, you know you made it.

It is an adventure for sure. But that is part of it. Discovering stuff about yourself that may have been hidden or suppressed for God knows how long. You don't ever have to thank me. If ever you need, just holler. You may not like the path I take you own but it will get you out of the darkest part of the forest. OK?

I think being trans is probably the biggest thing in all our lives. We all have that commonality. Gender is confusing. It is about who you are and not what turns you own like sexual orientation. It would have been a lot easier if I would have been a gay guy now days, instead of a MTF non binary bi girl. I know exactly what turns me on and no dysphoria or confusion over that. But who I am and where I want to go has been with me all my life.

[Taka]

i value driving safely. makes it easier to not kill innocent bystanders.
they're on mountain roads too sometimes.

i'm not doing anything without knowing how i hope it will end, and how it can turn out in a worst case scenario.
i like thinking about things rather than making rash decisions.

being trans is just a way of being to me.
not an obligation or an adventure or anything. just a way of being.
life is an adventure though, if we want it to be.

[Dread_Faery]

Why drive down mountain roads when you can skate?

I've been thinking about the label that I've chosen to describe my gender, demigirl, and what it means to me. Obviously I see myself as being somewhere on the feminine and female scale, but I don't see myself in male terms at all. The part of me that isn't feminine isn't really gendered at all, which I guess means that I'm kind of agender but also feminine. Perhaps this will change, perhaps it won't, but at the moment it feels comfortable to me.

[Satinjoy]

Why drive down mountain roads when you can skate?

I've been thinking about the label that I've chosen to describe my gender, demigirl, and what it means to me. Obviously I see myself as being somewhere on the feminine and female scale, but I don't see myself in male terms at all. The part of me that isn't feminine isn't really gendered at all, which I guess means that I'm kind of agender but also feminine. Perhaps this will change, perhaps it won't, but at the moment it feels comfortable to me.

As to the car, I keep it on a race track and it is thrilling.   Not very ladylike, you talk about fluidity kicking in....

Yeah the labels get wierd on a one liner.  Transwoman?  Demigirl?

How about Difference-maker?  That would be you my dear...

[Taka]

i like demigirl. sounds a little bit like a demigod(dess).

i can't use that term though. i'm as woman as a woman can be, when i am.
it's rare though, and i usually prefer to be seen as just some random dude.
that's not a gender at all is it? all i can see it as, is a state of being.

[Dread_Faery]

Difference-maker sounds very grand for little old me... Just some mouthy skater punk who isn't scared to share her opinion.

[Satinjoy]

Difference-maker sounds very grand for little old me... Just some mouthy skater punk who isn't scared to share her opinion.

Bull cookies.

Little old you has made a difference to little old me.

[Dread_Faery]

All I can think of to say is this   

[Taka]

saw my new gp, and a student who's practicing here.
second time i "come out" to a gp. this time it felt less like coming out, and more like telling my story.
they both listened intently, then my new gp (first time i met him) told me to write my own journal post and give them.
because he has no idea how to describe what i told him, and he'd need a whole day of in-depth interview to get a grasp on what he should write.

but he's positive, and that's what matters most.
either he can help, or he can't. he'll be trying, and i hope he will be allowed to help me the way i need.