I felt constrained as a male. I wasn't able to express myself within the confines of my gender. Make-up, hairstyles, clothing choices etc seemed so limited. Beyond the superficial i found it hard to avoid labels. I was afraid i would inevitably be labelled as homosexual; i am not. I was afraid that people would fear the unknown and not accept someone who traversed seemingly both genders. To be seen as an effeminate male was highly looked down upon in my formative years, in fact, just being different was a tricky road to avoid bullying and violence. I had issues with sexual relationships and coming to terms that even in the bedroom gender roles were still so firmly entrenched. The man was the one chasing the woman, the man was the dominant one in the bedroom (not always i accept), the man penetrates and gives the woman pleasure.
Recently i came to a point in my transition were i was being gendered as female. Regardless of how i had my hair, what clothes i would be wearing, i would be hearing 'maam, miss and lady'. I've not immersed myself into trying to pass as 'something', i just be. And yet hearing different pronouns and experiencing for a short time the other side of the gender spectrum, does it really set you free? I realize how ->-bleeped-<-ty women get treated. I never believed in male privilege but i do now. I just can't help but think that women primp and jostle for the attention of men. To get ahead of the pack. Sure i had doors held open, people let me go on the train ahead of them etc, but whilst i understood the men were trying to be nice, i felt like i was being put on a peddle stool and yet strangely placed below that of men. I clung to the idea that not everyone is the same that of course there are some women out there just like me. Women that don't prattle and concern themselves with pointless irrelevant details and conversation. Women that don't spend hours making sure they look just right to attract men. So that must make me a lesbian right? I identified as female masculine, and yet didn't want to play by the rules of gender. I certainly don't sit with my legs crossed, or at the knees or splayed wide like a man, i just sit. I don't fret about whether my hand gestures are feminine or masculine or whether my clothing choices shows enough curves or makes me appear more androgynous. I just have no concerns or want to make an effort to try and 'pass', because it's just caging yourself up again. I agree you can adapt, but to change so much about yourself in an effort to fit in doesn't seem quite right?
Does gender even matter? Is there a space or will their be a space for those that just don't care?
I cut my hair shorter. I get some stares from lesbian women and some people seem uncomfortable with my presentation (male clothing).
