Hi, I'm Leah

[Leah]

February 11th 1947 I was born to hard working farming family. At the time there were two other children a boy and a girl. We always had plenty but no extra. I was over 10 Lbs. when I was born at full term. I grew and matured helping out and doing the farm chores. Later a little brother came into the family.

I was 5 when my father caught me dressed in my sister's dress. I'm sure there were times before but that time, being caught was memorable. I never ran the same as other boys. It felt to me like I could see that girls looked like when they ran. At eleven or twelve I attempted to remove one of the testicles with rubber bands like they do to the cattle out here in this country. The lack of blood flow and excruciating pain and lack of drugs or alcohol I was brought back to reality and the removal was unsuccessful. I also tried to use mom's hypodermic syringe and injected some rubbing alcohol into my breast. Resulting in some swelling and temporary sensitivity. I did this more than once and then the syringe disappeared. At this time I also was interested in hypnosis to create my ideal world to escape this body. I ordered books in the mail but couldn't seem to get it to work.

In a small farming community of the 50's my family couldn't bare the stigma of having what was referred to as a queer in the family. Queer meaning odd or unusual.

High school was just endured, I just survived it. Hating all the stereotypes and labels. I went to see a DR. in a near by town. He told me to get a girl friend and I would grow out of the desire to be female instead of what body I had at birth. At fifteen on a family trip I even tried looking up a hypnotist in the phone book with my parents none the wiser of my skeem.

Out of high school I was drafted into the army for the Viet Nam conflict. I was married shortly after. During my time in the Army I experimented with any hormones I could get. I tried freezing the testicles off. It might have worked to if it hadn't been too painful.

Shortly after leaving the army I divorced and came home and worked in the oil field. A few years passed and I married again. I do enjoy a female body and she had a beautiful one. It also ended in her divorcing me when I didn't keep my desire to be female very well hid. I had tried to cut off the testichles with a strait razor. I managed to remove one and lost a lot of blood. Eventually I healed up. Hypnosis tapes came along now and I ordered some. No success with them either.

A few years went by I married a woman with 5 kids because I felt needed. It lasted seven years and kids were close to being out of the house. I felt boxed in and restricted.

Time marches on and I went in and out of relationships. Thinking I just hadn't found the right women yet that could make me forget my desire like that DR. back in high school said it would. By now information was coming out about SRS surgery. By then I'm stuck in my life as a full-grown male body 6'2" tall, big bond and lots of body hair, with muscles any pro ball player would want. All features which I despised. I required my strength to earn a living. I had no other assets or means to do it with.

25 years ago this coming June I met my present wife and her three sons. Shortly after we married and were living in San Antonio I and my wife worked on self-hypnosis without me telling her my real reasons behind my interest. Things were always a whirlwind raising three boys and our family travels, work taking so much time, years seem to have flown by. Almost twenty year went by with working on lucid dreaming and keeping busy, keeping my mind on other things.

Finally five years ago in the summer of 2000. My wife was gone on a trip with Tupperware. The boys had been out on their own for about nine years. I took a trip about four hours away to a psychiatrist in Colorado.  That was the first time I could say what I wanted the hypnosis for and say the word Transsexual aloud. She told me I was crazy and needed therapy. She explained I was trying to seek an escape when I told her I was trying to experience another life. Since I was all ready there she offered a hypnosis session and showed me what she could do. I was very disappointed; my notions of hypnosis were not realistic. I cried all the way home. A day or two later my wife came home from her meeting and wanted to know what was going on. What was the matter with me? What was the difference in me? I told her about the trip I took and the outcome. I told her my desires and she listened speechless after a bit asking a few question relating back to past events in our life that now made more sense to her. Once past her initial shock she was relieved to know it was not her and any inadequacies she thought she had.

Over the past five years I have spent many hours on the Internet searching out sites for help. I found out the requirements were to dress and live the part of a female for at least a year before DR's here would perform the SRS. I have spent time reading fantasy stories and have found out I wasn't the only person out there with different desires. We have met some Transsexuals that have gone through SRS. We visited with them and met them in Colorado on Christmas break in 2000.  She informed of the Gold Rush in Colorado.

My wife and I went to the Gold Rush meeting. We sat through lectures and learned a lot. We met some nice people but most were wrapped up in the weekend and partying they didn't have time for really creating links to the future that we were seeking. My wife had fun shopping and found some new breast inserts. Hers' have always been small and she was delighted to find some that looked and felt so real. There were lot of cross-dressers and couples. I didn't dress so we watched a lot.

We visited with a Lady Dr. that said she was willing to help but that didn't work out either. So we went to Mexico and got the hormones the best we could on our own.
I have emailed some of the sites for Dr.'s in Thailand and have read and looked at many pictures of their work.

Now I find that even in Thailand I have to jump through the hoops of dressing, hormones and living fulltime for at least six months in order to get the SRS. This Surgery is just for me. It's not to attracted a male. I'm not attracted to males and never have been. It certainly isn't to impress my wife either. As we explore these issue the one good part is the completely openness in our communication.

It has been so tempting to take off the other testicle but in the future Dr. Surpon needs all the material he can get to work with to create a more feminine me. I have tried to explain that it is all the same material just arranged a little different to my wife but she isn't really accepting that theory.

To summarize where I am today, looks like I'll spend the next two years learning to dress and taking hormones. I'm already living basically like I plan to post op. Maybe I'll have to put on better show of female for the Dr.'s What ever it takes I have resigned myself to do it.

[elleane]

Welcome to Susan's, Leah! 

Thankyou for sharing your story so far.  Wishing you all the very best in the journey ahead and it's lovely to see you here!

Elleane

[Shelley]

I agree Melissa,

Thankyou for sharing your story Leah. The sharing of our own stories assists the learning of others. I think your story will be partciularly helpful in the journey of others.

So welcome to Susan's I'm sure you will enjoy your time here. We are a pretty friendly and helpful bunch. Good luck on your journey and I hope you reach your destination and find the sun shining.

Shelley

[stephanie_craxford]

Welcome to Susan's Leah,

I'm so glad that you've found us.  The big thing to remember is that you are amongst friends here, so you can relax and enjoy what this site has to offer.  You will find a wide variety of people here with a wide variety of views, and opinions, but don't let that scare you off.  Just be sure to add your own.

I can personally relate to those dark periods of your life that you have described.  And I'm sure that there are others here who have experienced them as well.  I can remember those times when I took things into my own hands a tried to correct an obvious biological error, but that was many years ago now.

All I'll say at this point is that there is always hope.  I'm 53, married 33 years, have a grown daughter, and while my transition is a late one I have the benefit of having experienced much in life and it's complications.

I have the rest of my life and so do you.  Yeah those hoops are a lot harder to jump through at our age, but while the young have fitness and agility, we have cunning and guile. 

Again welcome to Susan's, I'm sure that we'll chat later.

Steph 

[Cassandra]

Hi Leah,

Welcome to Susan's. I'm so glad you found us, now you have a support group. I can definetly relate to the trying to erdicate an offending appendage. I have tried similar things myself. Thankfully I was unsuccessful as I have learned the doctors need that stuff, now I find myself protecting them from damage. Kinda funny how things work out.  I've heard of people who have tried such things as using a door to crush the offending parts.

At any rate you are now amongst friends who understand and can help. So let me give you my patented intro. Fix yourself a cup of tea, or other relaxing beverage, sit down, take your shoes off and set a spell.

Good Journey,

Cassie

[Leah]

To all of you who have so kindly welcomed us,

I don't think I've felt so welcome anywhere else before.Thanks to the internet it's good to know that I'm not the only one out there. I'ver heard that we never have a unique and isolated thought. I couldn't imagine another out there experiencing the same needs and desires. I felt like Tigger "I'm the only one."

Thanks,
Leah

[Bdnewgirl]

Welcome Leah
I must admit that your introduction knocked me off my chair. I was so sad, hearing about the sorrows you have experianced plus being a Veit Nam Veteran.
I will wish you and your Wife the smoothest road ahead.

Brandi
P.S to all the other Veterans out there THANKS

[Cassandra]

to all the other Veterans out there THANKS

Your Welcome. I'm proud of my service even though it was a very difficult time for anyone in the military. Aug 1973 - Aug 1976

Cassie

[ILoveTSWomen]

Welcoem Leah,

Nice to have you aboard and enjoyed your intro..

Did have to cringe on the straight razor .. ouch

Even the alcohol injection, that had to BURN 

Anway, wish you the best 

DennisInGA

[Leah]

HI all,

I've not been egnoring anyone intentionally. I have some weather threatened projects that must be completed before the winter is upon us and I can't finish.

Thanks for everything your doing in helping Peggiann understand more and for making her feel so welcome. She feels so comfortable visiting here in the forums as well as on the chat line. Peggiann has been through so many things in her lifetime and learned much from what she's experienced.

I want to spend more time reading some today while snow as slowed progress on those earlier mentioned projects.

Later,
Leah

[Roberta2005]

Leah,

[At eleven or twelve I attempted to remove one of the testicles with rubber bands like they do to the cattle out here in this country. The lack of blood flow and excruciating pain and lack of drugs or alcohol I was brought back to reality and the removal was unsuccessful.]

Never thought of this when I was a kid.  I wonder if it would hurt more now when I'm older or when I was younger?

[Leah]

Well Roberta it's amazing any kid manages to grow up in the first place, let a lone one that is so displeased with their body they just don't care or exercise any causion. If you think the rubber band trick was ignorrant and painful...I didn't mention the time I got the dehorning cream. Like I said I grew up in the counrty working around livestock. Dehorning cream is an acid. I could be a good bad example is the only reason I mention this. But then I noticed on the bottom of someone's post here, that Thomas Edison's said, "He hadn't failed he just discovered 10,000 ways it didn't work."

Most of my life I beleived I could live my desires through hypnosis, which my expectations were unrealistsic, according to the professional hypnotists I've engaged.

At one time I was tempted to spend alot of money with feminizing hypnotist site out of Canada..."Mind Mistress". If anyone has had good succes along those lines I really like to hear from them... good or bad results would be interesting.

My only hopes at this time lie in a trip to Thailand for SRS. I'm interested in anyone else that's taken that rout to contact me.

Anyway enjoy the site here at Susan"s.
Leah

[edit]Removed invite for off site contact[/edit]

[Jillieann Rose]

Hi Leah,
Welcome to the most informative, supportive and friendliest site on the net for TG's.
A very intresting  and sobering introduction. I didn't understand what was wrong with me when I was young, just different tahn most males. Maybe that really was a blessing in disguise.
Anyway I'm glad to meet you.

Jillieann

[ILoveTSWomen]

uumm that would be me with the "10,000 ways that didn't work" quote..

And I am very familiar with de-horning paste and irons too...

Sorry you had such a hard time.. hope things are much better for you now

Dennis (InGA..4 now)

[Leah]

Even from day to day the urge to take matters into my own hands is so very string!

I'm lucky I have found direction now and that helps some. I just kee telling myself almost 59 years with this body just another year or so more. I can do this.

Leah

[Shelley]

Hi Leah,

You can do this youhave todo this for you and for Peggian. As you said the Dr will need a ll the materials but also you need to know that this is for you. If you can't get through your real life test then you may be jumping into a bigger hornets nest I'm thinking.

Remember when it gets a bit tough we are here and it does help to put your thoughts in writing as you have probably already found.

Shelley