Me, me, me, me, me - and hormones . Other women's experience please

[Anna]

Well I've not been on here for ages. I went for counselling through the NHS and I used it to talk myself out of how I was feeling. I said it was all just stress and trauma from my upbringing and recent experiences that had sent me back to childhood feelings of not belonging. I'm used to working in extremely high pressure jobs and when I lost that it brought me down and I felt worthless. So I thought all I needed was to work again. The doctor gave me some anti anxiety meds and I thought they worked.

It seems that was wrong. I've landed and aced a very difficult role but it didnt help. Then about 4 weeks ago I ordered some HRT patches online.I tried the estradiol and I felt AMAZING. My mood has improved, headaches vanished and I have never felt so natural and just plain right in my whole life. I am completely at ease with myself.  I need to go back and talk to the medics again but I would be very grateful if anyone else could share their thoughts on their experiences of hormones.

I have been reluctant to admit I might be female in a male body but this feels so right. I am finding it very hard to stop using the patches and loving every sign that they are making my body right. When I was 10 I recall being in sex ed and thinking that the changes for girls were going to happen to me but they didnt. I've been unhappy for years but now it feels like a reset button has been pressed and it's all going almost how it should have done.

Help!  What's going on?? Does any of this mean anything at all?

[Megumi]

First, you shouldn't self medicate but that did give you the answer YOU were looking for.

Time to see a therapist about your feelings and get started on the path you want to take, but with medical supervision.

[Ms Grace]

Please do not self-medicate, it's not like taking an asprin and can be very dangerous with potential health consequences that you won't feel coming until they actually happen. It's good that you find estrogen works for you, I'd suggest talking to a therapist and working out the best way forward for you and some proper medical supervision.

[Anna]

Thank you both for you thoughts. It's very sensible advice.

[JourneyingSam]

Anna, it is my understanding that in the past the effects of oestrogen were used as a diagnostic.
If you put petrol into a petrol engine that has been trying to run its life on diesel ... It runs better!
My personal experience is that after a few weeks of being on oestrogen patches I felt like I'd been wrapped in a warm comfy cuddly dressing gown and I felt really in touch with my feelings ... A beautiful experience. Like you say "right"!
Whilst GPs are in theory able to prescribe hormones, mine would not without guidance from a gender specialist.  As I would have had to wait 9 months before the GIC took on that role, I aougjt put a private consultation (Dr Curtis) and after 4 weeks he wrote a letter that my GP was happy to do an NHS prescription from and also perform periodic blood tests to  monitor my status.

Sam x

[Emily1996]

Do not self medicate, I am self medicating and I can't wait to see a therapist and a proper doctor, it's too much stress and you feel like something might go wrong even if it doesn't, but I also can't stop. Still you shouldn't self medicate, especially if you have the resources to get medical help, etc.

Good luck on your transition!

[Jill F]

Self-medicating issues aside (potentially dangerous!!!), I tried out a therapeutic dose of estrogen in January '13 because my therapist had me pegged for a transsexual.   I was still halfway in denial and wanted nothing to do with transitioning.  On some level, I really hoped the estrogen either did nothing or made things worse.  If it didn't work, I could prove I wasn't really trans, and whatever it is that I was or had would have been much easier to treat.

Well, let's just say estrogen worked miracles inside of two hours.  I felt better than I had in decades.   It turns out that just as my therapist suspected, the starving estrogen receptors in my brain were finally running on the correct fuel.  A-ha! I really do have a woman's brain.  If you give a cisguy estrogen, he normally gets depressed and irritable. 

If estrogen makes you feel like yourself, then that's a really good sign that you're a girl.

[Brenda E]

Well, let's just say estrogen worked miracles inside of two hours.  I felt better than I had in decades.

. . .

If estrogen makes you feel like yourself, then that's a really good sign that you're a girl.

Absolutely agree.  Total denial from me too, but my therapist managed to convince me to try low dose as a diagnostic tool (through an endo, of course).  Thank god she did!  Total change in 24 hours, and made me realize that this wasn't a mental problem but rather a medical problem.  Positive changes from a low dose of estrogen is a pretty good way to diagnose - and treat - transgender patients.

Anna, it's awesome you've found what works for you.  Now promise us you'll see a doctor?

[Dani]

I tried the estradiol and I felt AMAZING. My mood has improved, headaches vanished and I have never felt so natural and just plain right in my whole life. I am completely at ease with myself. 

Does any of this mean anything at all?

Yes it does and you and your therapist need to talk about it!

BTW: This is exactly how I feel. Your experiences are quite common.

[LizMarie]

I'll chime in as well - please do not self-medicate!

But aside from that, within about 3 weeks of starting estrogen, my lifelong "buzz" in my brain vanished. I was calmer, more able to focus, no longer given to fits of rage. When I did get angry it no longer lingered for days or hours. I was generally happier and able to be more outgoing because I was no longer personally miserable in my head. Estrogen confirmed what my therapist had already decided - I am a woman and need the right juice to function properly.

Your experiences are common, frequent even. Welcome to womanhood. It's time to stop lying, especially to yourself.

[Minervham]

Well I've not been on here for ages. I went for counselling through the NHS and I used it to talk myself out of how I was feeling. I said it was all just stress and trauma from my upbringing and recent experiences that had sent me back to childhood feelings of not belonging. I'm used to working in extremely high pressure jobs and when I lost that it brought me down and I felt worthless. So I thought all I needed was to work again. The doctor gave me some anti anxiety meds and I thought they worked.

It seems that was wrong. I've landed and aced a very difficult role but it didnt help. Then about 4 weeks ago I ordered some HRT patches online.I tried the estradiol and I felt AMAZING. My mood has improved, headaches vanished and I have never felt so natural and just plain right in my whole life. I am completely at ease with myself.  I need to go back and talk to the medics again but I would be very grateful if anyone else could share their thoughts on their experiences of hormones.

I have been reluctant to admit I might be female in a male body but this feels so right. I am finding it very hard to stop using the patches and loving every sign that they are making my body right. When I was 10 I recall being in sex ed and thinking that the changes for girls were going to happen to me but they didnt. I've been unhappy for years but now it feels like a reset button has been pressed and it's all going almost how it should have done.

Help!  What's going on?? Does any of this mean anything at all?

Listen, Estradiol can shut down your liver. I know how awkward it is taking this stuff to a doctor, I have to go to a MILITARY hospital for crying out loud lol. But you need the help of a good psychiatrist to get you through this rough patch, and you DEFINITELY need an endocrinologist to measure your potassium levels and make sure your body is handing the hormones correctly. You so so so should not do this alone. That being said, I was just prescribed Estradiol patches by my doctor finally and haven't noticed any mood changes so far (I'm on .1mg/day patches). I'm pretty level headed and stoic by nature though, so that doesn't really surprise me. The only changes really have been decreased facial hair growth (only alittle so far over the last few months), decreased libido, and sore boobs. Please take what we're saying to heart, you could REALLY hurt yourself doing this alone so please go to a good endocrinologist and get assistance from them!

[ImagineKate]

Do not self medicate, I am self medicating and I can't wait to see a therapist and a proper doctor, it's too much stress and you feel like something might go wrong even if it doesn't, but I also can't stop. Still you shouldn't self medicate, especially if you have the resources to get medical help, etc.

Good luck on your transition!

The biggest danger is some issue that could be hidden and you won't know it's there without blood tests. I self medded for a couple of months but I got regular blood tests and told my dr what I was doing. He didn't order sex hormone level tests but did my regular monitoring for my other conditions, monitored liver levels, cholesterol and blood sugar. I was also not taking any AA as it could interact dangerously with blood pressure meds I am taking. Then I stopped and had to get help, and now I am where I am and couldn't be happier. My previous dr even said he could prescribe the HRT for me but I had to stop seeing him because of insurance issues. Now I go to a LGBT clinic where they have lots of experience in transgender care. Not for nothing, having a supportive doctor supervising your HRT gives you peace of mind. Plus you never have to worry about customs seizing stuff purchased without a prescription. Besides it's dirt cheap when you buy from the pharmacy compared to buying online.

[Elsa Delyth]

I am buying my hormones, and androgen blockers online, most likely tomorrow (I was planning to wait until I moved, but after getting the cheap experimental things I have already purchased online, to try makeup, and a wig, I was expecting to feel ridiculous crossdressing for the first time, but the exact opposite turned out to be true, I really felt happy, and good. Even if I don't look feminine yet) -- I don't see the need of seeing a therapist... I plan to get the hormones, and get a doctor to monitor my health. What do I need a therapist for? Seems like it could only be dangerous if I didn't consult a doctor, and get routine checkups. I don't think that it will be dangerous because I didn't talk to a therapist...

[emilybomb]

I knew that E felt right and natural to me right from the start. Unfortunately I haven't been able to get decent medical care and I have never achieved proper levels. My T is always been to high and I can feel it really spiking up over the last month or so for some reason despite that my meds haven't changed in six months. It's frustrating as hell and causes me a lot of depression and anxiety.

Long story, I was forced to go through 3 different doctors so far but due to various unfortunate circumstances (like clinics mysteriously closing???) I had to move on every time I thought I was FINALLY going to get things going on the right track.

Out of them, the only doctor I trusted was the first one. No one of them had seem me long enough to really get things nailed down.

My current 4th doctor was willing to give me a prescription, but he does not know what he's doing and  I'm not sure he even cares. What I'm doing now basically equates to self mediating. He  prescribed me basically a year of AA's and a lifetime supply of E valerate and sent me on my way. Hell, that's more than anyone else in this god damned town has been willing to do for me. I know my situation is really bad but stopping after several years now is absolutely not an option just because I can't find a good doctor.

So there you go, I'm an accidental self medicator. So sue me. I half hope I die anyways.

[Brenda E]

I am buying my hormones, and androgen blockers online, most likely tomorrow (I was planning to wait until I moved, but after getting the cheap experimental things I have already purchased online, to try makeup, and a wig, I was expecting to feel ridiculous crossdressing for the first time, but the exact opposite turned out to be true, I really felt happy, and good. Even if I don't look feminine yet) -- I don't see the need of seeing a therapist... I plan to get the hormones, and get a doctor to monitor my health. What do I need a therapist for? Seems like it could only be dangerous if I didn't consult a doctor, and get routine checkups. I don't think that it will be dangerous because I didn't talk to a therapist...

This doesn't make sense.  You're going to buy your meds online and then see if you can find a doctor to check you afterwards?  Why not just find a doctor first who will prescribe you the medication you need (rather than the medication you think you need)?  This would almost certainly be far cheaper and safer.

Buying meds online is expensive - like total scam expensive.  The money you pay to visit a doctor is easily recouped by how cheap standard generic HRT meds can be purchased from places like Target or Walmart ($9 each without insurance) once you have a prescription in hand.  After a quick search, some online pharmacies are charging about $100 for a month's supply of estradiol.  With insurance, mine cost under a dollar.  Buying easily-obtainable medication online is absolutely insane, especially if you plan on seeing a doctor anyway, and I have yet to find anyone in the US who has ever managed to explain why buying online without a prescription makes sense.  Why spend a couple of hundred bucks each month on medication that costs only a few dollars?

Therapy?  Yeah, I'm a big fan of therapy, but there are those who see no benefit in it whatsoever.  Look at a therapist as someone who can double-check that you're sure about the decisions you're making and that the thought process behind your conclusions is valid.  If you're 100% sure that you're doing the right thing, then a therapist might not be for you (although I always worry when people have zero doubts or concerns about transition: it's a huge life change and perhaps unwavering certainty is a sign of someone who doesn't fully understand the implications of the decision.)  But I'd strongly suggest going to see one anyway, because you're considering self-medication - that in and of itself is a red flag that something is not quite right.

Sorry.  I know there's a thousand different ways to transition, but there's also some lines that really shouldn't be crossed - self-medication being one such line.  It's just not worth it.

[JoanneB]

Buying meds online is expensive - like total scam expensive....  Why spend a couple of hundred bucks each month on medication that costs only a few dollars?

Actually, I don't know where you shop but my insurance Co-Pay of $50 for 3 month supply of estradiol valerate is about double of what the "off-shore" generics cost. The non-insurance cost is like $200! A couple of my TG support group members came to the same findings for the oral variety. I will say the quality appears to be different. The USA manufactured E seems far better. I can feel a world of difference between the two.

Getting a scrip from a doc in this CYA age is difficult. Few will do "Informed Consent", especially outside of LGBT health centers. Most docs want at least a CYA letter from a therapist. Many GP's won't even want to prescribe, rather send you off to an endo. (Insurance and Lawyers) Depending on where you live, finding an endo willing to administer to a trans person is extremely difficult.

Self medding IS dangerous. But how to balance that against the odds of finding a doc willing to see that medical health need? One option I was about to try was showing up for a "wellness" visit and then when asked "What medications are you taking?" drop the T-Bomb. Kind of unfair to possibly put the doc between a rock and a hard place of seeing you there holding your HRT packages. But certainly worth doing. When I lived out in the boonies it was pretty much universally reported by members of my support group that their GP's weren't blown away by them being trans. If you are near a big city, there is no excuse for not seeing a doc for what you need. It is easy enough to call ahead to ask to set up a quick phone call with the doctor to get to the nitty-gritty without wasting time or money. Of course, if you are comfortable enough with things, you can just ask the receptionist about trans patients and their needs.

When I saw my GP I was already armed with my CYA letter and had the empties and was seeing an LGBT friendly doc. None of this I would have been able to accomplish without the help of my support group and therapist. Reaching out for support, otherwise known as help, from the local trans community is the only way to go. It removes the fear of the unknowns for sure. It took me 50+ years of going it alone before I finally did. My "Local" group was instrumental in helping me turn my life around for the better. They were also some was 90 miles away.

[Elsa Delyth]

Firstly, I'm Canadian, it doesn't cost me anything to see a doctor, but they almost certainly won't write me a prescription, they will make me see a therapist for two years first, most likely, from what I understand. I have no desire to see a therapist, because they are not real doctors. I don't care about their wacky opinions. I understand that a lot of people benefit from council, and having someone to talk to that keeps things confidential, but that is different from them being an authority on your health.

The cost isn't that bad, I don't know where you guys shop, but it looks to me like I can get both the estrogen, and anti-androgen for under 150 a month. That ain't bad. I was going to wait because I also wanted the bio-identical progesterone, but that is expensive, and would put the whole monthly bill over 400. I decided I'll hold off on that one.

I do definitely want support from the LGBT community, and wish to become active in the community. I am trying to make the next support group meeting in Edmonton, and hopefully make some friends. This is long overdue for me.