What to expect when starting HRT

[Destiny Marie]

I am 46 years old and i am thinking about HRT, but i am somewhat sure as what to expect. Can you all please tell me what differences it made in your lives.

[Jessica Merriman]

I am 46 years old and i am thinking about HRT, but i am somewhat sure as what to expect. Can you all please tell me what differences it made in your lives.

I started myself at 47 and OMG the difference!! I feel like I have been reborn into a new world of sight, smells, emotions, stability and so much more. I can only give you my personal experience and please realize not everyone responds the same.

The first effect I noticed was a sudden clearing of the fog in my mind which dulled most of life's experiences. What I mean is I was released from an existence where I felt like a passenger in my own body. I felt numb all the time. Now just the slightest breeze blowing the hair across my neck sends chills up my spine. I see colors that I never knew existed and smells that I never knew of. Mental was definitely the first effect. Next up was the "girls" coming to life. When they start to get sore and puffy you will find out just how much you used to run into. OUCH! Over time I have noticed much smoother skin, less sparse and thick body hair and the very best affect-a new body odor! I no longer have that acidic smelling man funk! I can go days without deodorant and people have remarked about the difference when they are close. I am not thrilled at the pain though the anti androgens are giving the "boys". It feels like someone is squeezing them all day. It is starting to fade though and being less of an issue.  I do notice fat appearing in new areas that it did not used to currently. HRT has made me feel reborn and natural. It has been the difference that makes me WANT to get up each day and go out until night. I can no longer sit still because, well, I have 40 years of life to catch up on! I sincerely hope you find it works well for you as well! 

[Destiny Marie]

I keep hearing that it helps with anxiety and depression, from the therapist that I have seen, But when I was seeing those two I felt as though they were trying to push me into making a decision about what to do as they kept offering me contacts of Doctors for HRT, and places of hair removal and other things. I know now that I am different and feel that for the last 46 years I have only lived to what society has said was allowed, and there is very little I can remember of that. My kids from my first marriage have told me that my Ex has pictures of me dressed as a woman, and I have no recollection of ever doing that with her. My new therapist has told me that as a result of societies beliefs when I was growing up ( in a small town in Kentucky ) that I probably suppressed my thoughts and feelings of being different, and now that i have relaxed in life ( kids grown, and comfortable with wife and marriage) the Gender has come back to the conscious thought. I was wondering if HRT can Help with slowing my anxiety and depression and allow me o maybe get some of those memories back. I am excited to start, except that when I do I know that my wife will leave me and I am SCARED to be without her as she is my soul mate and has been my rock for the last 16 years.

Jessica (how ironic, that is my wife's name),I want to say thank you for sharing your experience, as it Has helped me to understand a little bit more of me.

Hugs 

[Jessica Merriman]

Pre HRT is was diagnosed with depression, anxiety PTSD (career caused) and other things. My blood pressure was 178/116 ON medication, pulse never dropped below 100 and my blood sugar would spike over 650 every other week. Now on HRT depression, anxiety have been removed from my diagnosis chart. Blood pressure is 120/76 WITHOUT meds, pulse runs 76 and my blood sugar is 120 WITHOUT meds consistently. I was on 12 different daily meds before HRT, now just HRT meds. All others have been dropped. So yes, HRT can change your life for the better! 

[Ruth Ruthless]

I found out I'm not a man around July 2012... but I wasn't sure I was a trans woman until a year ago, around the end of September 2013. The moment I was sure, having tried to deny to myself this is the path I want to go down and trying compromises like defining myself as bigender but realizing there is no other path for me... I wanted hormones and I wanted them *right now*. So when I finally got them after 3 months of beauracracy, I was very *very* excited to start taking them. I also began laser treatment around the same time I started taking hormones.

So now I'm 34 and I'm 8.5 months on hormones and laser treatment (actually, IPL) for my entire body and face.

I was sad that nothing could be done about my hair except wigs. I'm too bald and the hair is too thin where there is hair left for transplants.

And I was conflicted about the repercussions HRT might have on my sex drive, but I took the risk fully aware.

...and the changes to my sex drive were the first thing that hit me. I went from masturbating twice a day to maybe once a month or two. At first I didn't care. I told myself good riddance because I probably wouldn't meet anyone anyway.

Around 2-3 months into my HRT my breasts grew to what they still are today, a bit less than A cup. They really didn't hurt that much while growing. The pain was very dull for me and I liked it because it meant they're growing. After those 3 months, they have stopped hurting and apparantly stopped growing.

That's about the same time when I met my girlfriend, so I'm a bit sad again about having lost the sex drive. But again, I did it fully aware to hopefully one day get a body that represents who I am... and knowing what I knew then, I would make the same choice.

I've lost lots of muscle mass on my arms and shoulders which I never lifted a finger to have and it all turned into belly fat. It didn't seem to anyone that I got any fatter because the rest of my body didn't gain fat (a bit on my butt) and in fact because of lost shoulder and arm muscle mass I looked even skinnier. But I hated my new belly fat, it made me look like a skinny pear shaped guy. So I changed my nutrition to vegan low fat high carb, whole fruits and vegetables based nutrition (was already vegan 2 years, just not low fat and high carb) and in 2 months the belly fat has gone, as well as the little bit of butt growth I had and I'm eating as much as I want and get to eat sweet fruits all day. So now, I have a small waist curve since my waist is just a bit smaller than my butt and chest. So ironically, at least for now, gaining weight on hormones makes my body look less feminine. Maybe in a few years that will change as old fat cells die and new fat cells are born, hopefully in places besides my belly.

My face is what I want to change most. As far as I'm concerned, I've got nothing to do with these breasts until my face changes. So I'm happy for now my breasts aren't bigger. Let's me stay in the closet with certain people. I'll just have to wait for fat cells to start being born on my face, and then I will experiment with adding more fat to my body. I'm at a point where I know exactly what to eat to gain or lose weight as I choose and I make sure to get all the nutrient RDAs, eat at least 2000 calories a day, usually 2500. I also run a lot.

Before the new nutrition, I was very depressed that my face wasn't changing, my hair wouldn't grow and all I got from the hormones was a male belly and no sex drive and small breasts that didn't go along well with my male face. I started running 5 months ago and this helped my depression. Then when I started the new nutrition 3 months later (2 months ago) it helped even more both emotionally and physically. I was still eating fat junk once a week, and every time I did it felt like an emotional truck had collided with me. Now I'm going to try for once a month or none at all and I'm feeling much more stable emotionally now I'm 3 weeks without any junk food, and I like that at least I have one thing beat - I finally got a feminine waist curve!

Also, after 8 months of IPL, my face is finally starting to clear out facial hair wise. I lost most of my body hair due to hormones and IPL, with the most stubborn hair remaining where I want it least... on my chest.

And I made for myself a before and after picture of my face without hair, so I wouldn't get confused by the hair's feminizing effect. I look male in both before and after, but in the after I look more boyish, about 5-10 years younger. So the hormones and/or the nutrition and/or the IPL *are* having an effect. It's just going really really slow. I am not showing it in public because I don't want too many people to see me without hair. It's really the primary difference right now between my male look and female look. I could never pass as female without hair the way it is now.

So there you go. It's going really slow for me but there is good reason that given enough years I could get there, though I will probably always need to wear hair to pass as a woman... and I do feel sex drive in the rare occasions where I don't feel dysphoric. Before the hormones, I didn't need to feel good about myself to get horny. Now I really really need to be immersed in experiencing myself as a woman to do so. So if I ever manage to feel my body represents who I am well enough, there is hope my sex drive will come back as well.

[Ruth Ruthless]

For me personally HRT did not help with depression. I just became more frustrated that the changes I wanted to happen weren't happening, and in fact my body was becoming more male as far as the whole waist part was concerned.

The new nutrition and running helped to stave off the depression despite the hormones and gave me the waist I wanted. I'm pretty sure they have a depression causing chemical effect on me... but I still need them because they are an integral part of body feminization and I do get much happier when I look more feminine. And I'm pretty sure I would like my waist less without hormones i.e. it's the combination of the hormones and the nutrition and running that has made it feminine. If I would have done the same without hormones, I would probably get a more muscular belly and not as much of a waist curve.

[Destiny Marie]

I had a counselor tell my wife that " she should live her life with me as though I was dying of cancer, as she will wake up one day to find someone completely different lying next to her". Did any of you change your beliefs and thought process when you transitioned, your inner core self, or is that a myth?

[Jenna Marie]

As others have said, the first thing that hit me was a profound sense of mental peace. Breast soreness and the body odor change were next, and then it was mostly a case of gradual changes in fat distribution (especially in my face, at first).

Wow, your therapist is super unhelpful. If you think you can get your wife to come here and look in the SO's corner, you should; there are other people with transitioning spouses there. In short, though, NO. I am not a different person - much less as if I were dying of cancer, jeez! - I'm basically the same personality, but calmer and happier and more centered. I'm better at both feeling and expressing emotions, and of course I've changed over the past few years because *everyone* changes as they age and grow. But I'm shocked that a therapist would say such a thing, because there's no way to know if it'll be true for a given person, and for many of us it's *not.*

[Destiny Marie]

thank heavens!!!

We no longer see that therapist, not that it matters but the worst counseling we ever got came from the LGBT center. I was shocked to figure out that I was being lead by the hand to do things that they wanted. Since then I have found another counslor that has pretty much got me grounded and slowed down so that I CAN MAKE INFORMED DECISIONS FOR MYSELF.

[Destiny Marie]

I am glad that taking hormones is not like dying of cancer, because I am not ready for that. I was getting scared as to who I might become during and after transition. I do not like a lot of stuff about me but there are some good qualities that I do not want to change.

[Jenna Marie]

I'm glad that you've found a better therapist, and good for you for seeing that you needed to get away from that first one!

You'll be able to choose who you want to be. HRT is not going to replace your personality with another one *against your will.* Some people do become radically different... but they do so by choice, largely. (It's like second puberty in that way, too; you may get a chance to "try out" new personality traits or even identities, but you won't transform into someone else involuntarily any more than a kid going through puberty usually does. And unlike that kid, you'll have an adult's awareness and life skills to bring to bear on the potential emotional fluctuations.)

My mother actually says I became more like myself - like the person she remembers from before I grew up into an often angry, dissatisfied man.

[Ruth Ruthless]

Well, dying of cancer sounds completely ridiculous.

I still love the same music. I still love video games, science fiction and fantasy. I'm still an athiest.

I lost my sex drive so I became asexual. I still want to experience one day sexual pleasure again, so in my mind I did not become asexual. Just in my libido.

My attraction is still to the same people. Losing my libido didn't make me stop caring how my partner looks like and it didn't change which gender I'm attracted to... albeit through my experience as a trans person I did become attracted to some trans women i.e. my recognition of them as women expanded. I still don't see myself being intimate with a manly man. I did allow myself to be kissed by a relatively feminine and gentle man. It was fun! But I liked leaving it at that and didn't want to have a relationship with him.

I met my current girlfriend in an asexual facebook group. She saw me there and started talking to me. So I think you should not be afraid to be who you are for fear of someone you love leaving you. If they do, that's a good thing because it leaves you free to meet and love someone new that loves the real you.

I don't like what's going on with your wife and your previous therapist. It kind of sounds like they are trying to push you down the HRT road when it is something that you should be pushing for. Also, like I said... the cancer analogy is totally ridiculous and shows complete lack of understanding of the process.

The process can involve great emotional turmoil and difficulties adjusting or waiting for things to happen and them taking too long to feel comfortable.

Changing my nutrition started from a place of dysphoria and made me aware of healthy foods and how to get all my nutrients and got me running three times a week, whereas before I didn't care about my health.

So you could say that HRT did change my personality in certain ways, but indirectly. It changed my situation which drove me to make certain changes in my life which changed who I am in certain ways. But it's not like a chemical thing that transmutes you to a different person. It's a process that keeps who you are intact and at any given point you have the choice where to go with that process.

Maybe one could say the emotional turmoil you might go through and maybe bigger tendency to cry could make you seem like a more stressed person, or the alleviation of dysphoria or feeling more relaxed that you are finally in the process can make you seem like a more calm person.

But these are all in my eyes interactions of body and mind, where your mind is still there as it was before and the interactions between these two can lead to certain changes.

In that respect, the gradual element of the process can sometimes be a boon rather than a burden, since it gives time for the mind to adjust to the lifestyle repercussions of the new body.

[judithlynn]

Hi Davida;
I am a little older than you  and in fact this is my second and better informed process of transition.  For me  as Jenna Marie has said  the first thing was a complete lifting of the mental cloud that has hung over my life. Over the years I have thrown myself in anything and everything with people describing me like a person possessed. Now what I have about me is a sense of calm and mental peace. Almost euphoria.  My sex drive has dropped dramatically. I used to have a very high one wanting sex all the time and or masturbating sometimes 3-4 times a day. Now  I lose interest very quickly, although if ever I do  masturbate its a slow, in the mood experience with scented candles a Hitachi Magic wand and after a really nice hot bath and scented perfume in the water and also after fondling my very smooth body. (By the way the Orgasm when it comes is an all over the body experience - I feel a sense of emotion about an orgasm and by whole body shudders. That the next thing that happens, you will find that your pores and skin will gain a beautiful girly softness. f you have ever felt a women's inside thighs near here Vulva you will know how soft I mean. That's what my body feels like now all over, but especially may face. Many people reckon that I am late 40's . The next big thing is that you will get a profound awareness of other people, colours sounds etc. Your eyes may change and some even have their eyes change colour, body odour changes dramatically. I am now a sort of musky female and I seem to rarely perspire much any more. Mind you I now keep my underarms waxed al the time and next week start on Laser on the Underarms and my Bikini Line.  About 6 weeks in, you will start to notice some breast buds. My areolae grew in size  and after about six months (especially when warm) grew to about three times the size. By the eight month your nipples will be almost always permanently erect and quite noticeable. Your breasts will also be very sensitive to touch and may itch. Don't worry that is just the skin stretching as the milk ducts develop.  It depends a bit on genetics - my mother was a Double D Cup , but I am now a reasonable Small B. My Doctor reckons after another 14-18 months I should comfortably get to a C Cup. Certainly now I have a lot of breast tissue in the armpits and they are definitely rounding out. Depending on your dosage and whether you get on Progesterone, you will feminise quite rapidly. Some girls here have had the really good fortune at getting Implanted HRT pellets. Unfortunately my GP will not prescribe them because of my age. Similarly he will not put me on Progesterone. However Hormonally I am now primarily female with less than 0.7 level of Testosterone in my blood make up. A typical CIS female has between 0.0-2.5 T Level whereas a male would be between 6-45. The next big thing for me is that I have been started to being treated differently by especially men around me (even whilst still dressing as male/andro). My Gender therapist reckons this is subconscious on their part and it will be because I am putting out a lot of female ephemerons'. Its definitely something, because I am finding alpha males quite condescending. ie my opinion is not sought any longer. Mind you I am starting to notice Alpha males now, whereas before I was always  interested only in women. I would say I have gone from 100$% sexual attraction to women to something more like 75/25%  Female/Male. After about the 6th month I also noticed that I was getting quite scatter brained. I have lost some of my driving skills. I don't seem to be able to reverse so well and I keep leaving the handbrake in. I am also very interested now in Make Up, fashion and just resist buying the latest issues of Glamour, Cosmopolitan etc magazines and I am really into emotional novels. Oh I( forgot to say that I seem to burst into tears at anything emotional or beautiful or sad on the telly. I also feel sort of fluid - some have said graceful.  I also have noticed in the first 8 months a case of gradual changes in fat distribution (especially in my face, at first).What are the downsides, well I have added 2.5" to my butt and hips (Split male trousers and only Women's pants and jeans now fit), but haven't been able to do too much to shift my tummy fat, but I have lost a lot of physical upper body strength and I really struggle now to open a tight bottle - frequently needing a man's help. Its all mostly good, although because of a recent health issue, I had to drop my  HRT Dose down and now that I am cycling back up, I have hit a bout of morning sickness. My GP tells me this is a typical reaction  for women getting a higher the normal  dosage of Oestrogen, but that it will level out for me when I get back to my normal female levels.
Hope this helps
Judith

[Destiny Marie]

Thank you All for sharing your experiences, I have learned more about myself this week, on this site than i have been able to research, as research seems to always lead to XXX sites.

Ruth
Just to be clear my wife does not want me to change anything, more less start hormones and grow breast. She feels lied to and just keeps stating that she is not a lesbian, and has no desire to be viewed as one. She said that she has spent all of her life trying to avoid being talked about by other people and she is not willing to put herself in a position to allow people any reason to talk about her.
On a better note I appreciate you sharing and allowing me into your world as i have been thinking of starting ti run as i have wanted to all my life and I just could not force myself to train and get into a routine. 

Judithlynn

Very informative and enlightening, thanks for the detail as i really want to know in detail the experiences of taking Hormones, so that i can really see different lives and come up with my realistic expectations should be. Again thank you for allowing me into your life.

Hugs 

[AnonyMs]

I'm a similar age and found much the same as everyone else, but there's one thing I'd like to add. I tormented myself for a year deciding what to do before finally trying hrt (I tend to over think things). But once I started there was such a profound difference in how I felt that no amount of planning or thinking can explain. I stopped due to family pressures, and that was even more enlightening. I felt so terrible that I started again, stopped, etc, but I've been on hrt continuously for years now.

I don't know if everyone's like that, but for me once I started it was impossible to stop. I can't go back to living half a life. I feel so sad for all those years that went before.

I'm getting to the point where hrt is not enough, and that's starting to drive me nuts now. I guess its progress of a sort.

[Destiny Marie]

I tormented myself for a year deciding what to do before finally trying hrt (I tend to over think things)

This is what I have been doing for about 3 months how and just could not find a reliable place to learn about what to expect. Thanks.

[Ruth Ruthless]

Keep in mind that in everything we say here your mileage may vary. Also, got to back up what Judith said that I absolutely love my body is getting smoother!

[Rachel]

I agree with what others said and I add:

I smile a lot and it is just because I do not know why. I am often happy and content now. I have a super high stress job but now I am not stressed out. I am the same person but I am very different, better. I see and enjoy things, the sky, a warm gentle breeze and a little child laughing.  I have had people (many) say that I am a different person, happy and not stressed out and pleasant. Last week I commented to a guy that had an orange life saver that I like orange life savers. Next day there was a bag of orange life savers on my seat, I dress as a guy at work.

[Destiny Marie]

Now that is inspiring!!  I hope to be that happy one day as I continue through my time in this world.

[Monica Jean]

Pre HRT is was diagnosed with depression, anxiety PTSD (career caused) and other things. My blood pressure was 178/116 ON medication, pulse never dropped below 100 and my blood sugar would spike over 650 every other week. Now on HRT depression, anxiety have been removed from my diagnosis chart. Blood pressure is 120/76 WITHOUT meds, pulse runs 76 and my blood sugar is 120 WITHOUT meds consistently. I was on 12 different daily meds before HRT, now just HRT meds. All others have been dropped. So yes, HRT can change your life for the better! 

Jessica, you are the wind beneath my wings, I love your posts!  While I'm new here, reading of your experiences gives me great hope that tomorrow will be better than today.