It Sucks Being Made

[DawnL]

. . . only if you let it . . .

Not as easily done as said.  You transitioned long ago; for those of us who are transitioning, still building an identity, still trying to fit into our shoes, being made is not just upsetting, it's unsettling,  Reaching the the nirvana of "only if you let it" is coming in stages for me.  It started with fear and embarrassment, becoming an unsettliing experience, then an inconvenience, and slowly becoming sure of myself.  Maybe some of you started with that kind of confidence, but I didn't and I think that's okay.   I wouldn't want some to read your post as feel that there's something wrong with them because they get upset when they're made.  "Only of you let it" is more of a goal than a reality for most of us.

Dawn

[Northern Jane]

That's what I was eluding to Dawn - the goal.

My "transiton" was on-and-off periods of living as a girl between 13 and 24. From 13 to 15 was mostly in very limited circles of people who knew me in both roles, so being "read" wasn't an issue. By 15 I was going to "the big city" and clubbing with my TS friends (straight clubs) so being "read" would have been BAD NEWS for everybody in the group! Fortunately, I had already been practicing.

I was never "read" (that I know of) until years after SRS when I started getting sloppy and was also pushing the limits of what was considered "normal" for a woman to be doing. I learned that the farther I was going to push the boundary, the more unquestionable my presentation had to be.

Yes, I know I had it good in many ways and I had my self-assurance before I started getting viewed with suspicion but the key element is "do you BELIEVE you are a woman?" - if yes, then recognize it as the petty utterances of small minds and move on. (Yes,I know it still stings!)

[Jesse]

African-Americans seem to have the same kind of transdar I have. (Uncanny)

Okay, this has been something I've noticed and wondered about. I pass as male very well (I'd say about 95% of the time, even despite my stupid voice, which I'm very insecure about, and the main reason I want to start hormones, NOW). But nearly every time someone reads me as female, that someone is an African-American women. Not African-American men. Just women. And rarely even any hesitation or confusion, either, just "okay, ma'am". It's happened way too many times for me to dismiss it as coincidence any more. Why? Why is this?

[Terri-Gene]

have had a very smooth, fast and successful transition so far.

yeah and so have a lot of others but a lot of people with far more grit and less money, but full time conviction have had it a lot rougher or would have itr rougher, so yes, think about people and the consiquences they have to face in their own environments.

Terri

[Leigh]

Who are you to decide what is an unwise mode?

I thought it sounded like good advise to me but then what do I know?  My only experiences are socializing, dating and spending my off work time in the womens community.  I am also sure that my being elected Secretary of 100+ member Lesbian group gives me no credibility either.

A lot of newbies could do a lot worse than following my path. I have had a very smooth, fast and successful transition so far.

You forgot to post that you were also going to be a nail tech at one time.  Nail tech to account executive?

isn't it ironic that someone not as pretty as yourself is calling you sir?  

In one of your prior incarnations here you posted almost the identical thing to which I replied "the woman addressed you as she saw you"  You don't have to be African American to to have in your words ">-bleeped-<dar"

[Teri Anne]

When I transitioned (1998), I was very often fearful of being made.  My best friend tried to reassure me that I was pretty but I wondered if she said that out of her love for me.  One time, I dated a lesbian woman who I'd conversed with for about a month online.  I didn't divulge I was a transsexual.  I thought our first meet went well because we shared the same sense of humor.  At the end, as we were parting, I joked how funny these blind dates can be.  She said, as she walked away, "Yes, one time I ended up going to a restaurant and the person I met turned out to be a transsexual.  I was stunned.  She left and I never heard from her again.

Other times, I'd get very upset when it seemed like someone in a restaurant or public place would stare at me.  I instantly got paranoid and upset.  My friend said that people look around...doesn't mean they're looking at you.  Another TS friend says she experiences the same paranoia.  I talked it over with a very good TS psych in W. Los Angeles and she said that I need to pretend like I'm in the military and learn to CONTROL my emotions.  Though I never was in the military, oddly enough, that advice has helped me.
Teri

[Terri-Gene]

Yes Teri, control is exactly what it takes.  I started hormones on the job and everyone knew it.  They watched me as small changes took place and later bigger ones.  I work for Kaiser Hospital in Sacramento and deal whith hundreds of employees and to many patients to count every weekday of my life, there is no hiding of what I am as pass to a stranger or not, it doesn't take long for someone to tell them.  I have a slow growth beard and have to let it grow out at least 4 days to make fast comfortable work on my face, so I am often bearded and having to deal with perfect strangers who come to me for information and such.  Wherever I am, at work or in public I never know who recognizes me.  Other employees see me in different places around the sacramento area and alway give me a hi and most of them like to stop and talk a bit.  half the time I don't know who they are until they tell me they are kaiser employees that have seen me around the hospitals and clinics.  I live in cheap apartments and shop in normal stores all over the sac area.

Control?  Hell, I just forget i'm any different from any other woman and go each day like its just a day.  It can't be any other way in a position like mine so I just dress nice and smile at everyone.  and know what?  My department manager tells me how much every one likes me, and gets along with me,Transsesual or not and all the employees have started calling me Ms. Terri, from management down and not in a joking way either.

Go ahead and make me, does it change me?

Terri

[Sheila]

I would not, under no circumstance, retaliate agaisnt someone who has supposedly read me. I think that would be very childish and very rude on my part. I will not get down to their level, they will have to come to my level and we can talk about me or them if they want. To call names is not lady like or adult like.
Sheila

[ginaroxx79]

Well there was once when life would have been easier if I had been "read".

On the return trip to Canada, I ws sitting on the plane chatting with a young business man about my own age and we were having a good time. (Did I mention I could be a flirt sometimes?)

I know what you mean Jane. As a pre-op who can pass for the most part, I have frequently been put in the position of having to out MYSELF. When approached by a man I can also be flirtatious. Most of the time this isnt a problem as most of this flirtation is just in passing. However when things get to the point where they must progress (as they sometimes do) and I am also interested in them I feel quite awkward. I must inevitably tell them about my birth gender. This has been awkward but at least I'm honest.
Imagine the dangerous  position I would be in if I didn't out myself. It still gives me that "I've been a bad girl" feeling even though I've done the right thing. On the other hand I don't feel I should tell people about my past as soon as they say hello. When I tell someone there has been no intimate touching or even a kiss. I tell them before there is even a first date.
I've been told by a few friends that I should just stop dating all together until I am post-op. I do not feel that I should put my social life on hold simply because I am not done transitioning. In less than 18 months this will no longer be a problem.
To me being made doesn't suck, it make things easier for me...but very rarely happens. Only when I'm with people who knew me prior to transition does it come up. People who knew me before or during my earlier stages of transition can spot me instantly. 99% of others cannot. A blessing yes, but it also has a down side.

[ginaroxx79]

I  now have a positoin whiich should earn me 80-110k in 2006 but i am looking to make more. My last bi-weekly pay period was a good one, I should gross around $4500. That is equalivent to $117,000 my dear. As I learn the territory, I should  reach that benchmark.

Now deary, we can end your false accusations that I don't tell the truth very easily. You or anyone who doubts me can send me a self-addressed stamped envelope and I will enclose a copy of my pay statement.

I dont recall anyone bringing up your income, all they were saying was that being intentionally snide isn't a good reaction to someone referring to you as the wrong gender. Some people just need to be informed POLITELY that you have chosen to live in a new gender role. Let's remember that we ARE ladies no matter what anyone thinks or says. It might be prudent to act that way if we expect to be seen that way.
   

[Susan]

Topic locked, It got too far afield.

[Terri-Gene]

 

would not, under no circumstance, retaliate agaisnt someone who has supposedly read me

I figure it this way.  Not being one of the few and rare individuals who can pass anywhere with anyone I figure I'm gonna get read or at least looked upon with suspicion more times then not, so why would I retaliate against someone who simply sees me as appearing more male in appearance then female.  Now if they are being rude and making an issue of it I can find a lot of ways to jerk thier own chain and bring them down about 20-30 notches and/or squash it right back in thier faces, but just because they can see or suspect I'm not a born female is absolutely no reason to be angry with them rather It reminds me that my presentation needs work. and that the present area/people is a good place to start.

Terri