I just can't handle trans ignorance

[kira21 ♡♡♡]

I feel this pain.  I seem to pass 100 percent of the time (though I am sure a few will actually know or suspect and not say anything)  yet I still worry about being read all the time.  I try and tell myself I don't care but it's an internal battle as I am unable to and do that and do not want to be the kind of person that walks around thinking that I don't care what people think of me.  I do care.  I am not a sociopath. I smile at others,  I want them to be happy,  I care about pretty much everyone I see,  look for the best in them,  want them to succeed,  it's not me to think 'f you and you and you don't matter to me' it's probably the hardest thing about being trans post transition to me. 

[lemon_ice]

It's something I'll clarify next time I see him but I think there's a chance we're using different measurements. I know mine is higher than a natal females but it isn't 20 times higher. I know it is a 1,000 but I don't know a 1,000 what.

No the trouble is me, not the hormones. I just can't cope with ignorance. Even before I started transition I was like this.

If you are outside the USA then your doctor might be using a variation on S.I. units (which is (mol/L for chemical concentration), in the case of blood estradiol levels the sensible unit would be pmol/L. My last two blood tests which were only about a week apart were 600 pmol/L and 900 pmol/L, which are actually quite high- pretty much pre-ovulatory levels for cis-women. For reference 900 pmol/mL (estradiol) is approx. 250 pg/mL (estradiol). So if your doc is using SI units then your levels are still pretty high, but not super crazy.
As for me, my endo doesn't care; 'he 'doesn't believe in testing for estradiol' and his attitude towards T is just lower in better... mine is <0.4 nmol/L (<12 ng/dL) which means undetectable, I'm not sure if that's such great thing personally and could explain the crazy anxiety I get. My feminiziation is progressing quite quickly though which is great I'm on patches for E (probably a pretty average dose), and a middle of the road dose of cyproterone acetate (androcur).
It would be good to see what units your doc is using just be sure though , and may I ask a favour to all others on this site? Please state the units when talking about blood hormone levels- it gets confusing.. thanks

Claire

[Jessica Merriman]

I've been there twice before. I'm going there for brow bone surgery and breast implants for all the good it's going to do me.

Sweetie why do you say this? You are well on the path to realize your dream. Does that mean anything to you? 

[kaye]

Sweetie why do you say this? You are well on the path to realize your dream. Does that mean anything to you? 

Course it does, but you know what? I'm demoralised. I hoping that makes for a dramatic and positive change for me but you know, my upper body physique is still too masculine. My voice is still so-so. I don't even know how passable I am, it's somewhere between not bad and not at all. And it doesn't matter, because I should be able to cope with the ignorance of others anyway and I'm just not. The manner in which people in public act and the things they say just infuriate me. Tired, fed up and over it.

I was once told that there were two types of transsexuals, the ones that cope and the ones that don't. Clearly I'm in the later category.

[Jessica Merriman]

I was once told that there were two types of transsexuals, the ones that cope and the ones that don't. Clearly I'm in the later category.

It does not have to be that way though. The only difference between those that cope and those that don't is simply confidence in themselves and ignoring stupid comments from people. That's all. I live for me and not for anyone else or some unattainable goal of being a perfect, young super model. I pass because I believe in myself and know deep inside I have a right to happiness and freedom.

[kaye]

I pass because I believe in myself and know deep inside I have a right to happiness and freedom.

Great you pass. Well you don't have to worry about a lot of what I'm talking about then. Must be nice.

[Jessica Merriman]

Great you pass. Well you don't have to worry about a lot of what I'm talking about then. Must be nice.

Kaye it was not like that at first, ok? I have been where you are now I am simply telling you it can and will get better for you if you let it. You really need to start believing in yourself and less with what other people say or you will be stuck like this forever. Do you want to change inside or do you like where you are now? Do you deserve a life where you live and not simply exist? If so just learn to let comments slide. You would be surprised at how many people that comment negatively to you have totally messed up lives and simply get pure pleasure out of riling you up. Don't let them! My Drill Instructor one day told me this: Free your *ss and your mind will follow. You have to find some way to get to this point as I can't do it for you. Do you really want to spend all the money for transition and still be miserable or look at it as a new start to life? You have the power, not the idiots, so use it.

[kaye]

If so just learn to let comments slide. You would be surprised at how many people that comment negatively to you have totally messed up lives and simply get pure pleasure out of riling you up. Don't let them!

That's a pretty logical position and it isn't like I don't try. I tell myself exactly that. To forget it, to not worry about, to not let it get to me. But it still does. No amount of telling myself not to worry about it makes a difference. My mind revisits certain negative situations, replays them over and over and while I can handle them in isolation, then another negative situation happens. Then another and another after that. And eventually my frustration builds to the point where it breaks me.

I rage to myself about it, imagining myself in various situations again for all the lack of sanity that represents. When the next situation happens I've become so riled up about it all that I finally snap, even if it is for something relatively minor. I envy those who can brush all this off like it's nothing but for me, doesn't really happen no matter how badly I want it to.

[Jessica Merriman]

Have you considered anxiety medication or anti depressants? It could ease your mind a lot and allow you to overlook some of the things that trigger you right now. It might be a place to start and at least try it for a while. 

[kaye]

Have you considered anxiety medication or anti depressants? It could ease your mind a lot and allow you to overlook some of the things that trigger you right now. It might be a place to start and at least try it for a while. 

I am on anti-depressants. I have backed off the dosage recently so I guess it's back to everyday then

[Jessica Merriman]

I am on anti-depressants. I have backed off the dosage recently so I guess it's back to everyday then

Did they help any? Adding an anxiety medication like Xanax could help immensely. 

[Jessica Merriman]

Well Kaye I hope something said tonight will help you out some way even if only small. It is 5 hours past my bedtime so I am going to have to go for now. Feel free to PM if you ever need to. 

[JoanneB]

I spent the most part of my childhood being a target. An easy target at that since I really stood out. A tall, fat, stuttering, mouth breathing, four eyed freak. Add being shy (More avoidance) and the assumed you have to be an idiot since you look like one and don't speak. Being a target was a major factor in me stopping my much earlier transition experiments. That far outweighed being able to deal with being trans.

People will say things just to provoke a response. Sort like pulling the cats whiskers. The more you respond the more they push. Free live reality show entertainment for them. Even just your non-verbal clues may be provoking them to up the intensity.

So why respond? Do you expect them to suddenly change their behavior thanks to your insightful lessons? People don't change unless they want to. Certainly not because they need to.

Smile, walk away, and pray they don't beat you over the head with a crowbar for ignoring them.

[Hideyoshi]

Great you pass. Well you don't have to worry about a lot of what I'm talking about then. Must be nice.

Why snap at people who are trying to help you? I get it you're mad but still.

[Jessica Merriman]

Kaye I talked with you a long time last night and what I am going to say may seem mean, but it appears to me YOU are the one to blame for your problems. If you act like this in public I can see why people would get a buzz out of upsetting you. You are angry and appear to be able to be abusive and the public is simply giving you payback. I would like you to check into local anger management classes and learn some strategies to change yourself. Only they will you find the peace I believe you DO want. 

[Megumi]

Kaye, have you talked to your therapist about your severe anger issues? This is clearly something you need to work on. Flying off the handle is not good for you or others.

From what a few others have said you might have gained a reputation for outbursts and people like to push your buttons to get a reaction out of you. Just like that one kid who's family constantly provokes him and posts his reactions on youtube. I don't really have coping mechanisms that prevent me from feeling the pain and anger of being made fun of for being trans, were human and we have feelings but what I do know is that anger or retaliation never have a positive outcome.

[kaye]

You are angry and appear to be able to be abusive and the public is simply giving you payback. I would like you to check into local anger management classes and learn some strategies to change yourself. Only they will you find the peace I believe you DO want. 

No they're not giving me payback Jessica; it's rather assumptive of you to suggest that. What they're doing is being very inconsiderate and hurtful because they perceive someone who is trans and they're uneducated and ignorant. I do not fly off the handle at every situation by any means if that is what you want to imply. They're different people in different situations. The vast majority of my interactions are positive. I just can't handle ignorance without getting angry or frustrated about it. I try to keep it in, and do for the most part but sometimes I react. So that's what I'm asking for, strategies to not care nearly as much as I do.

Kaye, have you talked to your therapist about your severe anger issues? This is clearly something you need to work on. Flying off the handle is not good for you or others.

He keeps telling me that he wants to 'see my anger'. Great. And I keep telling him that I can't exactly bring it up on demand.

You know all this crap, the laughter, the comments, the mockery...it takes a toll you know. It's all well and good to put this all on me but there seems to be this element of battered housewife syndrome going on here. Apparently if you're trans and you get abused to the point where you react then YOU'RE the blame. I mean that's what I'm taking from this so far. If you get angry then no one else has done anything wrong, just YOU. Seems to be the case for bullying in general actually.

I'd be the first to admit that anger is destructive, not helpful. So I don't want to react that way; I want to be above that. But you know what, I let people walk all over me for years and treat me like a plaything for their amusement. And I stood there and did nothing because I was always too scared to stand up for myself. I'd go home and be extremely depressed and angry and frustrated over it. This literally built for two decades. Yet, in the situation when I was put down, I did nothing. When I transitioned the shackles came off; years of hurt and pain came out and got directed at anyone that I perceived to be causing me hurt and harm. I know what that sort of psychological bullying does to a person. My reaction is ultimately defensive, not aggressive.

You know it was me, six months ago that repeated to myself over and over and over and over, 'I want to die', 'I want to die', 'I want to die'. Because if I convinced myself I was going to kill myself I wouldn't have to deal with the pain anymore. None of it would matter. It was therapeutic. Since then I've been trying to get better and I don't want to go back to that place, and yet, I'm cut down by people who will intentionally demean me for their own bemusement, I get angry about it and the one to blame here is ME?

I'm sorry, but if the goal is to help me then I don't perceive that putting all the blame onto me to be a constructive way to be doing it.

[Jessica Merriman]

But you know what, I let people walk all over me for years and treat me like a plaything for their amusement. And I stood there and did nothing because I was always too scared to stand up for myself.

It sounds to me Kaye that you are over compensating though with your anger. We are trying to help. 

[Mariah]

I would explain to the therapist what makes you angry then and try to come up with methods that will allow you to cope better in those situations. You may not be able to show him your anger on demand, but you can at least explain those situations that make you angry and working on how you respond to them.
Mariah

[kaye]

It sounds to me Kaye that you are over compensating though with your anger. We are trying to help. 

I know. Please don't take my anger and frustrations personally, I'm just a bit fed up right now.

I would explain to the therapist what makes you angry then and try to come up with methods that will allow you to cope better in those situations. You may not be able to show him your anger on demand, but you can at least explain those situations that make you angry and working on how you respond to them.
Mariah

Thanks. I'm going to have to really work on trying to improve my psychological health. I think it is the most important aspect of transition and something I have to dedicate more focus towards.