My long and weird story but please read I need help

[Abby Claire]

Abby Claire- Thanks. I'm realising that I'm probably going to have to take some steps before I understand these feelings properly. I do find it hard to imagine that a therapist or whoever can tell me something that I don't already know about myself that will suddenly make me see clearly. I still kind of hold on to the idea that I should be able to understand it by thinking it out on my own. But I'm open to the idea that I'm wrong about that.

I understand that. A lot of us felt that way too. That's partly why it took me so long to reach this point. No matter what you decide to do, the decision is always left up to you. No one here or anyone else can tell you what your true gender is or what you decide to do with your life. The idea of going to a therapist and group is that they're the first steps on that road. Airing your grievances will make you feel better even if you later decide that you don't wish to transition. Saying what you've said here will make you realize things differently when you're saying them out loud to someone who will be confidential. Keeping your feelings to yourself will only make things worse over time since you'll be holding the weight of what feels like a big secret. Talking here is a good start, but it won't feel like enough over time. At the very least, give group and therapy a shot. If you don't like it you don't have to go back.

And as Julia said, be honest and be optimistic. After years of holding it all in it's going to feel much better when you let it out.

[Julia-Madrid]

I do find it hard to imagine that a therapist or whoever can tell me something that I don't already know about myself that will suddenly make me see clearly. I still kind of hold on to the idea that I should be able to understand it by thinking it out on my own. But I'm open to the idea that I'm wrong about that.

Orange, the value of a good therapist is that they can help you find exactly this insight, and it's often there, hidden right before your eyes.

I'm not advocating therapy-for-everything, but if you find an insightful therapist, you will be amazed at what you will indeed discover about yourself. 

As much as we try to think that we can know and access all parts of our minds, we are part of our own "no trespassing" mechanism.  A good therapist will spot this and take you over the barbed wire. 

A word on therapists:  you need to find one with whom you have a vibe, someone you click with.  And who is insightful. 

Xxx
J

[Taka]

maybe i should have phrased that differently. there's a part of the brain that usually is different in size between females and males. in a transsexual person, that part is usually the size one would expect in the opposite sex of what their genitals would suggest. there is no evidence though, of this part actually controlling gender. though it should be suspected to be an important component.

scientists have recently managed to find the center for sexuality, and have been able to prove attraction to males (it's similar in men and women). or at least that's what it seems like. with new proof found in the future, thing may still have to be redefined. this test is possible to do on living people, and is expensive enough that i doubt employers would have any interest in sending future male employees in to be tested for homosexuality.

[♥︎ SarahD ♥︎]

..scientists have recently managed to find the center for sexuality, and have been able to prove attraction to males (it's similar in men and women). or at least that's what it seems like. with new proof found in the future, thing may still have to be redefined. this test is possible to do on living people, and is expensive enough that i doubt employers would have any interest in sending future male employees in to be tested for homosexuality.

I know it wasn't your intention Taka, but that last sentence conjured up a mental image of the infamous "Eugenics Program"  *shivers*

So yeh, I agree with you - let's hope tests like that don't get used against the LGBT community in negative ways.  That would be really bad.. ♥︎

[orangejuice]

Julia, thanks for the reply, I'm going to see if I could find someone that I might be able to talk to about this, but yea like you said I would definitely have to see what they were like first or whether they would actually be equipped to help me. Sometimes I think when you've been forced to think so deeply about how we think and act as human beings its hard to believe that you can reach that level of understanding without going through it. Especially hard where I live I think but I'm sure if I looked hard enough there's probably someone out there.

When I posted on here a few days ago it definitely felt good, but now I feel a bit stuck. My life is so far away from being compatible with these feelings. I got texts and phone calls from my coach asking if I was available to play this weekend and I just ignored them. My personal circumstances mean I've been able to become increasingly reclusive in the past few years with still maintaining the outward appearance of a social life- but I do things like ignore texts and phone calls and miss things all the time, which kills me, because now I have the reputation of being that kind of guy, which is not actually who I am. I actually put a lot of importance on things like being reliable, being a good friend and team mate when it comes to sport, so it just adds to all the shame I have about myself. Like I said I come to a different conclusion every time I try to understand myself but anytime I come to a conclusion which isn't-these are just feelings I've made up in my head and they'll go away- I literally find it hard to walk out the door. And now that I've come on here that feeling is pretty huge.

Sorry I know I'm just using this to think out loud, but you know..... 25 years.

ImagineKate, sorry I don't really feel comfortable saying that, but good luck!

[♥︎ SarahD ♥︎]

...When I posted on here a few days ago it definitely felt good, but now I feel a bit stuck. My life is so far away from being compatible with these feelings. I got texts and phone calls from my coach asking if I was available to play this weekend and I just ignored them. My personal circumstances mean I've been able to become increasingly reclusive in the past few years with still maintaining the outward appearance of a social life- but I do things like ignore texts and phone calls and miss things all the time, which kills me, because now I have the reputation of being that kind of guy, which is not actually who I am. I actually put a lot of importance on things like being reliable, being a good friend and team mate when it comes to sport, so it just adds to all the shame I have about myself. Like I said I come to a different conclusion every time I try to understand myself but anytime I come to a conclusion which isn't-these are just feelings I've made up in my head and they'll go away- I literally find it hard to walk out the door. And now that I've come on here that feeling is pretty huge.

Sorry I know I'm just using this to think out loud, but you know..... 25 years....

For what it's worth hun, I can relate to what you're saying here.  My circumstances for the past year have prevented me doing anything significant towards transition, and it's sure as hell frustrating.  I just want to get the ball rolling, I know what I need to do, I just can't do it yet.  The worst part is it's caused me to get kinda obsessive over the whole thing.  It's affecting my productivity at work, my social life, my sleep etc.  That all leads to further frustration and makes me feel kinda like I'm going backwards if anything! 

On the plus side though, it has pressured me into finding every little thing that I can to let the frustration out and make at least some (if tiny / insignificant) moves towards my goals.  For example I've been discreetly playing with low levels of makeup (namely foundation, and my alternative music sensibilities mean I already have experience with eyeliner and lipstick).  I've also been experimenting with body hair removal too.  Razors didn't work out too well for me (my body went kinda bonkers when I tried it), but hair removal cream has been working out fairly well.  It's not perfect and I get a little chemical burn in some places (mostly on the top of my chest for some bizarre reason..  ), but it's nothing a bit of Savlon can't fix, it's better than razors for me, and it at least lets me feel like I'm doing *SOMETHING*.  Obviously again I'm keeping it on the down-low.  My chest and legs are rarely ever exposed (and never exposed once summer is over), so that's where I've started.  The only part I haven't touched yet are my arms because I'm still in short-sleeved tops, but now the colder weather is coming I plan to do that soon

For me though, there is a light at the end of the tunnel - I'll be moving out of my parent's place and in with my two best friends very soon hopefully (was going to be end of this month, but now it's been pushed back to early December damnit ), and once that happens I'll *FINALLY* be off the leash and ready to see where this all takes me!  I'm excited, and terrified at the same time.  I feel so strongly that this will take me where I need to go (although I don't quite know exactly where "there" is yet lol, but that's half the fun, right? ), but at the same time I know - this is no game.  This is not a lifestyle choice, a fad or a "way of life".  This is very real, and the consequences for any mis-steps can be severer and life-changing - even *literally fatal*.  HRT and the surgeries are not things that can be undone (or at least not fully).  I can't "un-come out" to people, and it's likely that my relationships with them will be changed - for better or for worse - forever.  There's no auto-save feature with this stuff.  There's no extra lives, undo buttons or re-rolls.  I'm going to get one shot at this, and if I F it up - Game Over.  Or if I'm extremely lucky, I might get the chance to do some damage limitation, but that's asking a lot.  Gender Dysphoria is a disease.  Diseases often need medicines and surgeries to fix.  Sometimes those medicines and/or surgeries can go wrong and wreck your life or even kill you.  Do what is necessary to cope with the disease, but once the risks of further actions outweigh the potential rewards, then it's time to stop.  Why expose yourself to life-altering or potentially fatal risks when you don't have to?  Life has enough dangers in it as it is, without adding to them lmao!

Sorry for going off at a bit of a tangent, but my point is - although I'm excited to start this whole new part of my life where I *FINALLY* get to be *ME*, I'm also terrified at what I'll have to do to get there.  My best chance of success here - in spite of my excitement and impatience - is to take things slowly, one step at a time.  Let things settle in, evaluate how I feel about it, and then decide where to go next.  I intend to only do the things that I absolutely *NEED* to do, and nothing more.

I'm not saying this to scare you (although you'd be a moron if you weren't scared hunni lol! ), but it's important to realise that this isn't a game or a lifestyle choice we're talking about here.  I guess my point I'm trying to come to is - use your time while you're stuck to do your research, some introspection and soul-searching (and obviously the lovely people here can help out with all of that, as can a Gender Therapist).  On the side, start planning how to get yourself un-stuck and put that plan into motion.  By the time you get yourself un-stuck, hopefully you'll already have a strong idea of where you need to go next.

Hope I've helped hunni, and I hope I haven't scared you off of doing what you need to do.  I just want you to be aware that - by all accounts - this journey is probably the most brutal one you'll ever have to take in your life, and many people literally don't survive it (there's a reason why there's a pinned thread with suicide hotline numbers in it).  Many others do survive it of course, and when they get to where they're going, they report that things are more wonderful than they could have hoped for.

All my love to you babe, and everyone else on this journey.  Travel well everyone ♥︎*Hugs*♥︎

[orangejuice]

Haha no don't worry you haven't scared me away from doing anything. I mean I know from what I've said it might seem like I'm thinking about physical changes, but at the moment I just hypothetically imagine that stuff to try and understand how I really feel. As for actually doing anything about it I dunno, it doesn't seem like that would really work out for me, and not just for the obvious physical reasons (5.11, big hands, massive feet, thinning hair) I know if you offered me the chance I'd rather be female- but that's a different question to do you want to transition. I'm really shy. I don't like to stand out. I have a lot of attributes that mean I think I could potentially be pretty miserable going through that. More miserable than I am now. The future doesn't exactly seem great for me to be honest, I think I just have a whole bunch of feelings that don't add up and never will. I think life will probably just be about holding them at bay enough to present a socially acceptable front to not cause my parents too much grief while they are around. When I said 'stuck' I sort of meant that even accepting these feelings to the small extent that I have makes my life hard to handle. It's pretty hard to stand in a huddle of thirty guys when you know you've got this going on. And my social life is generally based around sport too.  I don't have any friends who aren't pretty stereotypical guys. I mean I've decided I need to talk to somebody and I'm going to do that, but it seems like I can't just continue with my life at the same time. It's like I can only pick one.

Happy for you though. Exploring this I've realised that some transgender people are some of the smartest I've ever come across. Have an understanding and way of looking at life that is just better than most people and if everyone thought the same way the world would be a better place. Good luck!

[Abby Claire]

Haha no don't worry you haven't scared me away from doing anything. I mean I know from what I've said it might seem like I'm thinking about physical changes, but at the moment I just hypothetically imagine that stuff to try and understand how I really feel. As for actually doing anything about it I dunno, it doesn't seem like that would really work out for me, and not just for the obvious physical reasons (5.11, big hands, massive feet, thinning hair) I know if you offered me the chance I'd rather be female- but that's a different question to do you want to transition. I'm really shy. I don't like to stand out. I have a lot of attributes that mean I think I could potentially be pretty miserable going through that. More miserable than I am now. The future doesn't exactly seem great for me to be honest, I think I just have a whole bunch of feelings that don't add up and never will. I think life will probably just be about holding them at bay enough to present a socially acceptable front to not cause my parents too much grief while they are around. When I said 'stuck' I sort of meant that even accepting these feelings to the small extent that I have makes my life hard to handle. It's pretty hard to stand in a huddle of thirty guys when you know you've got this going on. And my social life is generally based around sport too.  I don't have any friends who aren't pretty stereotypical guys. I mean I've decided I need to talk to somebody and I'm going to do that, but it seems like I can't just continue with my life at the same time. It's like I can only pick one.

Happy for you though. Exploring this I've realised that some transgender people are some of the smartest I've ever come across. Have an understanding and way of looking at life that is just better than most people and if everyone thought the same way the world would be a better place. Good luck!

Here's the thing that kind of bothers me about this:Your parents aren't going to be around forever. Friends come and go. New people will always enter and leave your life. Living your life to please others while you suffer underneath is no way to live either. You're taking a pessimistic approach to the idea of transition. Sure, it's not going to be a walk in the park, but you could be happier for it too. It's just as easy to say transitioning will make everything perfect. Truth is, the journey and outcome will fall somewhere between miserable disaster and complete bliss. Either way, it's best to approach it with an optimistic view. You've said you're big into sports. Do you approach games thinking: Well, we're not going to win so why bother?

Here's what settled it all for me, because I thought of doing what you've said you want to do. If I don't transition and I just do what everyone expects of me (marry a girl and have kids) then I'm going to be setting myself up for bigger problems than I would now while I'm young. There are so many stories of trans women who come out in their 50s and older who have had wives and children. It doesn't always turn out bad, but there are some pretty rough stories out their. The point is, the feelings don't go away. If you thought 20+ years living with this was hard, think about another 50+ years.

You're still young and you have no obligations to a wife, a child, your friends, or your parents. The only person you are obligated to is yourself. Do what makes you happy.

And sorry if I seem pushy on the subject. Lol I just understand the depression too well.

[orangejuice]

Haha don't worry about being pushy. This is what I wanted when I came on here. To get opinions on this stuff.
I should start by saying again, I still don't really understand if I am transgender, but yes I am certainly thinking about the pros and cons of transitioning to try to answer that question.

I agree with what you're saying, you need to do what makes you happy. Not causing my parents grief is just part of the reason why I don't think I could do it. If I had the money to move to another country, leave everything behind, friends, family, and cause them all the heartbreak that goes with that, but knowing that I was going to be able to return in 5 years time as a completely passable woman, I'd do it. I wouldn't like having to put them through that and what it would continue to put them through, but I'd do it. It's when I consider other aspects and put it together with the parents thing that means I don't think I'd be happy. Like I said I'm really shy. I don't like attention in any way. I'm embarrassed about admitting it but I care about what others are thinking of me a lot. And when I put that together with the fact that there's not really a chance that I would pass then I'd likely be as, if not more, miserable than I am now. I know I'm younger than a lot of people and others would give anything to have the chance to do it younger, but like I said I'm 5.11, I have massive feet, which look silly big for my body already as it is, I have long arms, big hands, a fairly big rib cage, a voice that's deeper than most, a pretty masculine face, and worst of all when I say 'thinning' that's probably generous, at worst my hair is half way to gone (it is hard to make an accurate assessment when you are so emotionally invested in something!)

With the parents thing as well, I wish it wasn't true, but if I turned up on their doorstep looking like a woman, and explained everything to them about how I've felt over the years, they'd be more likely to understand. If I turned up looking like a guy in girl's clothes, they might still get it eventually, but there would be a difference in how they would look at me. And don't think I'd be able to handle that. The thing is when I see people who don't pass it makes me think that I wouldn't want to do it. I have nothing but admiration for people who go after what makes them happy regardless. I wish I was able to say 'I am who I am and nothing else matters', but I'm not. That's just not me. I should also say that like I mentioned before some of this is what makes me question whether I really am transgender.

I understand the thing about making things worse in the future. That terrifies me every day. It's what drove me a few days ago to come to the conclusion I need to somehow deal with how I'm feeling. But unless I can learn to like myself better, there's no way I'll be able to consider relationships and a family, which can be pretty sad to think about. I'm just saying that that is what I think the future probably holds for me, but that may be very much as a result of my specific situation and I also hope that I will be able to find a different a one. I'm defo going to try.

You obviously see a different future for yourself, which is great, that's where I'm trying to get to.

[Allyda]

As a girl turning 50 this month, I would have given anything to have transitioned earlier. And a few times I did try. But as always family situations, one time a housing situation interrupted it, and the time before this it was a serious aircraft accident. Putting off transition led me to two suicide attempts that would have succeeded if it weren't for quick thinking by my friends boyfriends and neighbors, and for shoddy ammo manufacturing on the second. A third almost happened more recently but I was saved by the wonderful ladies and a few gents here on this website. And, I was already living full time and passing during the latter but I was losing my hair, and none of my Doctors at the time wanted to help me get on hrt and further my transition that had stalled. Hell I couldn't even get my PC to give me finasteride. He just wanted to waist time running test after test after test, month after month while my hair continued to disappear. Well, I wasn't willing to lose all my hair while my gatekeeping Doctor looked for a smoking gun that was never there. I went to a dermatologist and got diagnosed with a feminine hair loss pattern still caused my DHT as it is with male pattern baldness, Fired all my Doctors, found new ones willing to help and began my hrt on December 27th, 2013. All thoughts of suicide vanished on the 3rd day, my hair loss stopped and began reversing and has been filling back in nicely. I won't allow anything to stop this transition as I'm happier than I've ever been, and I'll be having my SRS soon as soon as I get the scheduling and transportation worked out.

I only tell you all of the above so you'll understand this dysphoria we all suffer will never go away, but it does progressively get worse, and worse over time and during intense moments it can lead you into some very dark places. Dark places I sincerely hope you will never see. Stagnation, by which I mean, needing to transition and seeing nothing happening to move forward for whatever reason is the fastest way into these dark places I mention. Especially when your seeing the T and DHT destroying your femininity. And this happens much faster with age.

In my Avatar pic that's my real hair recovering and growing like it used to in my 20's again. 9 months and a week ago before hrt, you'd be able to see my scalp in two places on the top left side of my head. In fact I had ordered a wig from china, but by the time it arrived I thank the heavens no longer needed it. You are still young, and if your hair hasn't been falling out that long it is very possible for you to get some of it back with time on hrt with the right combination of meds. In any case you'll stop losing your hair, and the hair you have will thicken a bit after a few months.

I spent the best years of my life living in misery, unhappiness, hating myself in despair to keep other people happy. Please don't make the same mistake I did. For every time I look back on all of my best years lost I just cry until I have no more tears left to shed, because I could have been happy all those years had I just listened to my heart and mind, and not the whimsical wishes of the people around me.

Best Wishes!
Ally

[orangejuice]

Hi Ally, Yea I dunno its hard to really how bad my hair loss is because its one of those things you can exaggerate in your head. Unfortunately for me it started falling out when I was 18 but fortunately I had an incredible thick amount of it to begin with. I can still make it look like a decent enough head of hair with the right hairstyle which is cut real short at the side and long on top. But the slightest sign of a breeze and its pretty obvious I'm losing it! I actually took propecia for three years from 20-23 which slowed it but then I stopped because I got spooked by all the chat about side effects. But hey the way I've been thinking lately that doesn't really matter so I might just get back on it. Thanks for making me realise that!

I guess what I've been trying to get at is I don't like the idea of having to force anything-but I had this moment where I looked at myself in the mirror yesterday and, didn't imagine myself as female, but just kind of, not as the guy I've always thought I was. And it felt great. I think I'm realising that gender is a stupid thing. Some of you smart people on here already knew that feeling I guess. I mean I want to be a girl, but I think I'd be ok with pursuing wherever that feeling takes me and just living appropriately. I looked at myself in the mirror and let go of all the desires I had to look big and ripped and it made me really happy. I can't believe that. I've always felt like when I'm not in good shape and going to the gym then I'm not happy. Now I can't wait to just not work out for a while and see what it'll be like to lose the big arms, shoulders and chest that I've got. Although I have some pretty masculine features I also have some feminine ones. I have a really feminine curvature to my back, despite being fairly wide at the shoulder blades,and a feminine shape to my legs. I have really soft skin on my hands, feet, and face. I guess I'm a mix of lucky and unlucky features when it comes to successfully transitioning with little in between. But anyway what I'm saying is I looked in the mirror and looked at that stuff and instead of being embarassed about it-it made me happy. I admitted to myself for the first time that I'm actually going to do something about this for the first time, not just talk about it. It made me unable to sleep last night with what I think was well, happiness. The best thing was I could imagine a future other than just staring into years of nothing.

So when you're getting sad looking back at the time you wasted in your life I hope you can take a bit of comfort from the fact that you may have just made mine a whole lot better! I'm not sure why but reading your comment sort of tipped me over the edge.

What is actually the deal with hair on HRT? does it stop male pattern baldness? I thought I read that it didn't? But I've now heard a few people including you say that it does and even reverse it sometimes. And how does it respond to medications like finasteride and minoxidil when on HRT? better than it does for a normal male?

[♥︎ SarahD ♥︎]

...But anyway what I'm saying is I looked in the mirror and looked at that stuff and instead of being embarassed about it-it made me happy. I admitted to myself for the first time that I'm actually going to do something about this for the first time, not just talk about it. It made me unable to sleep last night with what I think was well, happiness. The best thing was I could imagine a future other than just staring into years of nothing...

Haha, watch out hun - that feeling gets rather addictive, as I'm finding out myself lately lmao!   You'll know what I mean when you realise you're looking at yourself obsessively in every mirror and car window just to catch a glimpse of your inner self! ♥︎

[TheQuestion]

Nearly everything you said there applies to me.  I didn't really feel like I wasn't "one of the guys."  I was popular, good looking, and literally could be playing professional baseball right now (I'm not kidding).  I'm 26 and have lost a little hair over the last 4-5 years and I also realized I was aging in masculine ways.  My face went from being really plump and babyfaceish to gaunter and masculine.  I'm still holding on to my sanity, by in large because my hair is still holding on as well and my face (despite the loss in fat) has delicate enough features for me to not want to smash my face into the mirror every time I look at it.

I'm in therapy right now and have been for a couple months now.  I actually just had my physical and blood work done today.  Tomorrow my therapist and doctors will be discussing me during a meeting.  My physical went fine and, provided my blood work checks out, I could begin HRT next week.

I'm 5'11.75" with HUGE hands, OK feet, I'm a freak athlete and my hair is thinning too.  I really have no idea if I'll ever pass.  I think I could end up looking like a runway model or Julia Child.  Main reason I feel I should maybe do something is because I don't want to waste years starring into nothingness, same as you.  I've already wasted enough of them and if I wait too much longer then I know I won't be able to pass.  And I'm doing all of this without being 100% sure that I'm transgendered and knowing there's a chance that I won't pass.  I mean, I'm pretty positive I am trans and have been since I was a young child, but at times it hasn't been so bad being a man; but depression has hit me pretty hard recently, I'm on a transgendered web-site right now, I look in the mirror and scour at my being male and I have a certain level of resentment for CIS-people for not having to be under a constant barraged of thoughts of displacement.  A lot of times I'll just break down when I see a particularly pretty girl, or even think of my not being a woman myself.  So like I said, I'm pretty positive that I'm trans.

Another reason I'm starting now is because, despite losing A LOT of hair, I still have a lot of it left and there's a decent chance that my hair loss will be halted and may reveres a bit.  Then I can get my hairline lowered and have the rest thickened up a bit with a ht.  I told my dr. today that I worry because I've lost a good bit of hair over the last few years.  Fishing for a reply I said "I've read hairloss often stops with HRT and can sometimes reverse."  He said "it should, usually it does" and then knelt over and showed me his MPB hair and said you won't get to this.  I don't know how much you've lost.  But if your like me and you've lost a lot, but somehow still have basically a full head with thinning areas then you could probably save it.  It should halt it, and could respawn some.  The follicle remains active for 7 years or something like that.  I'm holding out hope that since I'm only 26 and have only been losing my hair for 5 years or so, and still have a lot of growth that I'll get good hair results.

Anyway, I hardly know if I'm making the right decision, let alone know whether or not you are.  It's about as hard a decision as you can make and it sucks.  We're very similar though, you and I; as a kid I had thoughts of being a superhero now I want to be Marilyn Monroe.  Funny how that works.  It sound to me that there is a good chance that you're trans.  You should see a therapist.  Mine had been great, she's a really lovely woman.  I haven't gotten too much that I didn't already know and talking doesn't make it better, but it is nice to know that there are people out there who understand/want to help.

[TheQuestion]

Haha, watch out hun - that feeling gets rather addictive, as I'm finding out myself lately lmao!   You'll know what I mean when you realise you're looking at yourself obsessively in every mirror and car window just to catch a glimpse of your inner self! ♥︎

Yup, and that's been true for me.  It sucks when you hit some poor lighting or an awkward angle though...

[Allyda]

So when you're getting sad looking back at the time you wasted in your life I hope you can take a bit of comfort from the fact that you may have just made mine a whole lot better! I'm not sure why but reading your comment sort of tipped me over the edge.

While I dunno what I said^^___^^, I'm very happy I could help.

What is actually the deal with hair on HRT? does it stop male pattern baldness? I thought I read that it didn't? But I've now heard a few people including you say that it does and even reverse it sometimes. And how does it respond to medications like finasteride and minoxidil when on HRT? better than it does for a normal male?

You must understand hun,^^___^^ I didn't have male pattern baldness. I'm intersex and I had a feminine hair loss pattern, which though caused by the awful DHT, is a bit different than male baldness. In addition, it wasn't finasteride that saved my hair, it was/is Avodart (dutasteride). I'm mentioning this to clear up any confusion that may have arisen.

I would also like to affirm that results may vary depending on genetics, family history, age, the severity and length of time for hair loss, and other determining factors. Finasteride does work in most people to stop hair loss, however Durasteride (Avodart) is a more efficient DHT suppressor. My hair is very important to me, so I insisted on Avodart (dutasteride) over finasteride when I started my hrt despite it's much higher expense.

Best Wishes

Ally

[orangejuice]

Good to hear someone with a similar story. Ye I don't know if I'm transgender either (though the way I've felt in the last few days seems to be telling me something) There's a million cons to actually dealing with these feelings, and there's only one con to leaving them alone, its just that one con happens to be I may wake up in 5,10, 20 years and want to blow my brains out. I could easily reach the conclusion that these feelings are not genuine and then go out tomorrow, get back in the gym, go hang out with friends and be the same guy. I could be happy, for a week,  2 weeks, that's what I've been doing for 5 years now, but I always end up back in the same spot which is going absolutely nowhere. The only option really is to do something. Made an appointment to go talk to someone today.

I would give anything to get some hair back, that 7 years thing sounds delightful!.. but I dunno. I was still looking pretty normal until about a year ago, and it still covers my head reasonably fully (i think) but I'm very much rocking the sweep now. No other hair style works. Haha maybe I'll just tell people I couldn't handle going bald so becoming a girl was a price I had to pay. They'd probs react better to that tbh. Yea seems like we're in a similar place. I'm realising that I don't think I should really be this depressed about losing my looks a bit. I've not suddenly become ugly or anything, but the future looking the way I feel like I'm going to fills me with utter self-loathing and hopelessness. I think that might be telling me something. I've never really made that connection until now. I also have no clue if I could pass, it seems unlikely tbh, but what I'm going to do now is try and lose all the muscle I've had since I was 15 and get a better look at my frame. Just the thought of doing that feels good. Good luck hope we can both figure it out!

Haha, watch out hun - that feeling gets rather addictive, as I'm finding out myself lately lmao!   You'll know what I mean when you realise you're looking at yourself obsessively in every mirror and car window just to catch a glimpse of your inner self! ♥︎

Yup spent way too long in front of the mirror past few days!


Ally-ok thanks, its pretty good to know that most people seem able to at least stop it, I didn't really know if that was the case.

[Rachel]

Hi Orangejuice,

I am sorry I am late to read the thread.

I identify with your story. I am glad you have an appointment to talk to someone. A gender therapist is a great start as others have said.

I am happy you are seeking out help at an early age. The feelings only intensify with age.

You asked a question, do you think I am trans. When I read your story I saw a lot of my story. Cis people just do not have those thoughts and do not ask the question. It is important to find out where on the spectrum you are and then what you need to do to be more comfortable.

[orangejuice]

Cynthia, thanks a lot for the reply. It has been pretty overwhelming to get sympathy for something I've done nothing but criticise myself for my whole life. Yea I think the spectrum thing is going to be particularly important for me to remember.

TheQuestion, thanks for the message, don't mind at all, (though the fact that I had to give my email almost scared me off from coming on here-that's how deep this stuff is hidden for me), can't reply to it yet because I'm new but I hope you don't mind if I ask you a few questions on this and you can reply by PM if you want to?

I've been actively thinking about the changes I'd need to make if I were to transition-and it feels like the only way I could do it would be to move away from my current situation, friends and family included. Like I say my social life and everything else really is based around a stereotypical male environment. I have a group of 8 great and incredibly loyal guy friends I've known since school and most still live in the same city. All of them would be guaranteed weirded out and uncomfortable, I would have hopes two or three of them would be compassionate, but none of them would be capable of really getting it (I include a newly qualified doctor in that). I wouldn't hold that against them though. I don't know if your social life is the macho one that mine is, but we both seem to have a sporting background, so do you mind me asking what kind of friends/family you have/had growing up? Sometimes I think that my life has just been so overwhelmingly incompatible with these feelings and I'm scared that if I had just been able to be open about them that I might have reached a different conclusion.

Can relate to the rushed thing. I mean regardless of what I actually decide to do, it feels like overnight I suddenly have a panic to stop my hair loss/halt my body developing the way it is. A few days ago I had a depressed resignation to it.

If I'd done something ten years ago I think I could have been quite hot by anyone's standards, but tbh the happiness I'm feeling about realizing I could do something at all is pretty overwhelming. It's like dreaming of being a superhero as a kid, and then being told you actually can be one! Hope you can try and focus on the positives too!