My long and weird story but please read I need help

[orangejuice]

Sorry for the weird stuff but I really need help.


I am a 25 year old male. Some of my earliest memories are of wanting to put on girls clothes. I remember being maybe 4 and playing with the 'dressing up' box as we called it and I remember liking wearing the princess dress that was in it. I remember taking my sisters clothes during the day and hiding them under my bed so I could secretly put them on at night. I remember one night I coloured in my nails in red pen then awoke the next day mortified and embarrassed that my Mum saw them. I went to school petrified that my classmates would also notice. I remember asking my Mum if I could go to ballet class with my sister. I remember lying in bed at night and imagining that I was able to wear the girls school uniform instead of the boys the next day. All of this was happening from the time of my earliest memories to the age of 5 or 6.
I was also having these feelings while growing up otherwise as a completely 'normal' boy. I didn't play with girls or girls toys. I loved sports and action figurines and was a pretty popular kid with the rest of the boys in my class. This trend of being 'normal' continued throughout primary school. I would still lie in bed at night sometimes and imagine what it would be like to wake up the next day as a girl. I can't really say why. I just liked it. I remember expressly thinking 'I know this can never happen and I know it is wrong but it's still fun to imagine'. I would wake up the next day perfectly happy and go to school as 'normal' boy. I still on occasion took my sisters clothes to put them on in secret but a lot less as I began to realise just how mortifying it would be if I was caught doing this.


During all this time I ALSO thought a lot about what it would be like to grow up and have a girlfriend and get married. I thought about the girls that I liked in my class and what it would be like if they were my girlfriend. I was excited to grow up to see what all that would be like.
This is where this is a little weird and I apologise but it's a pretty major part of why I don't understand who or what I am. From a really young age-maybe 6-7- I had 'sexual' dreams. These would involve girls. I was dreaming about sex before I even understood it so these would be dreams where I would sort of just hug girls and experience an orgasm (without ejaculation) during sleep. I would later learn that these orgasms were a lot more intense and pleasurable than anything I would experience for real later in life. Again this is really weird sorry- when I got older and learned exactly how sex worked I also realised that in these 'hugs' I had been more imagining the female side of having sex. I would say these dreams stopped around 12-13 years. As I got older and my friends started to talk about masturbating I was very aware that I wasn't doing it. I tried doing it but I couldn't. At the same time I was attracted to girls. I had girlfriends and I liked kissing them/being with them. All of this without having any sexual experiences and still without masturbating. I would still sometimes lie in bed at night and wish I would wake up as a girl the next day. But I also liked the life I had so I was able to put these feelings aside in the morning. They didn't really seem like a problem to me. I knew it was really weird but I also knew I wanted to continue being who I was at the time, which was a pretty good looking, athletic, popular, guy in my year.


I was genuinely happy. I read so many people saying that they always felt like something was wrong. I didn't have that feeling as a teenager. I had so much good stuff going for me. I was popular with the girls, I had a great bunch of guy friends that I'd known since childhood, I was excelling at sport and had a real desire and passion for it, not only as a hobby but something I wanted to pursue as a career. I had always been a very shy person but I wasn't lacking in self-esteem in any way. My friends knew who I was and through being successful at sport and also doing well academically I was pretty well respected and popular at school. I never really felt like I didn't 'fit in' as one of the guys. I knew I came from a different type of family than most of them. My Mum and Dad are both very sensitive caring people. Neither really have stereotypical 'masculine' characterstics. I love my Dad because he's given me everything I could have asked for in life but I knew I didn't see him as the type of father figure that I would see at my friends houses at the weekend or at sports games. He wasn't that kind of 'macho' figure for me and I don't regard him as friend in the sense that I saw my friends did their Dads growing up. My Mum was really who I got along with. She couldn't be a better Mum but she wasn't and still  isn't really aware of the type of more 'masculine' characteristics (total stereotype I know) that are expected of guys who had the sort of life and friends that I had away from home. So without realising it she would encourage me to talk about my feelings and be more sensitive and emotional than I knew I really wanted to be. I knew I was having conversations at home that I would be mortified if my friends could hear. But I never felt like I didn't 'fit in' as a guy. If anything I appreciated having that different influence at home because it gave me a more open-minded and generally more intelligent outlook on life amongst my group of friends.


Ok so sorry back to the weird stuff. Throughout my teenage years I was attracted to girls and never thought anything different. But as I went through puberty and experienced my first sexual dream- (with ejaculation) it was a dream where I was a girl. It didn't involve sex in any way it was just a dream where I was a girl and that was enough to make me orgasm. Again I was aware that it was abnormal but I didn't see it as a problem and didn't question my sexuality. At around 13 I came across an article about a transgender girl in one of my sister's magazines. The idea completely fascinated me. I couldn't believe you could actually physically change from a man to a woman. This is the tricky part for me to understand. It excited me sexually too. From that point on whenever I noticed a programme on TV or an article or whatever about transgender people I would always watch it or read it secretly and shamefully. At the same time I was still dating girls. When I hit 17 and I still hadn't been able to masturbate my anxiety about it was massive. Knowing the 'excitement' I felt about the idea of being able to change into a woman, and being completely desperate to catch up with everyone else, I looked online at some transgender porn, and I was able to do it. I didn't imagine being with the women I looked at I just looked at them and I was able to ejaculate. Once again I was able to put the fact that I'd used transgender porn completely to one side because I was just so relieved that I was able to do it. It was like checking it worked first before worrying about how it worked. In the next month or so I realised I could ejaculate when I imagined that I was a woman. Still I was so relieved it was happening that I didn't see it as a problem. I thought once I started having real sexual experiences it wouldn't matter what I masturbated to. So when I started dating my first serious high school girlfriend at 17 obviously sex was potentially going to happen. It was that time when all my friends were starting to have sex if they hadn't already. I stopped masturbating because I knew it was weird and I couldn't handle the shame of doing it and then hanging out with my girlfriend. Throughout this whole time I was still putting on my sisters clothes on the rare occasion I had the house to myself. Looking back I have no idea how I could handle the shame of it but like I said I was somehow able to put these feeling aside. It didn't matter because I knew wanted to be with my girlfriend. I was turned on by kissing her and messing about with her without actually doing anything proper. But when the time came to have sex with her I couldn't do it (as in things down there didn't work at the crucial moment). I'm sure you can imagine it was a completely horrifying experience. I still don't really know why and this is the question I'm still trying to answer. My best understanding is that sex just wasn't in any way the experience that I had always imagined it to be. I had had these dreams from an unusually young age where it felt very different. I obviously didn't explain that to her and we broke up two months later.


From the ages of 18-21 I continued to masturbate to the idea of being a woman. I had continued to have dreams where I was a woman throughout my teens and then started to have dreams where I was a woman having sex with a man. I then started to masturbate to the idea of having sex with a man as a woman. When I imagined myself as a woman I found men attractive, but if my head wasn't in that place, I didn't at all. At the same time I still felt attracted to women in the same way I had done during high school but I was increasingly feeling like something was wrong. On one other occasion when I was 20 spent the night with a girl but the same thing happened and from then on the feeling that something was wrong became huge. I can't explain it. I would kiss girls out in clubs or go on dates with them but when the time came when things looked like they were going to go further I just couldn't do it. I would get this sickening feeling in my gut and I would remove myself from the situation altogether. It was like suddenly there was a brick wall right in front of my face suffocating me and I had to remove myself from the situation completely. I do not understand it at all. Maybe it was the for the same unknown reasons that I hadn't been able to have sex previously or maybe it was BECAUSE of the fact that I hadn't been able to previously. I don't know.


Ok so there's one other uniquely weird aspect to my story and again I apologies for the lewd details. By the time I was 21 I had probably developed an addiction to masturbation. I couldn't go more than 2-3 days without doing it. Generally I would do it every day and sometimes on up to 5 occasions in a single day. Every time I would imagine myself as a woman or imagine being a woman having sex with a man. I have never been able to ejaculate to the idea of sex with a woman as a man. I still have dreams where I am a woman. The only thing that has changed from when I was 18-21 and the last four years up until now is that I make an active attempt to stop feeling this way and to stop masturbating. However if I do manage to avoid it for more than a week I invariably will have a dream where I am a woman and then I wake up with all the same shame that I had been trying to get rid of. There is a complete hopelessness to it also because it happens when I'm dreaming. I make a determined effort to stop something then I fall asleep and my subconscious does it anyway. I have completely stopped going after girls in any way so I don't know if I would still feel attracted to them in the same way that I did when I was younger. I do know that now whenever I see an attractive girl my main thought is- 'I wish I looked like that'.


It might be easy to say most of what I have said so far is related to sexuality rather than gender, and maybe it is my sexuality that is the thing I need to figure out. Maybe I just have a totally messed up one. But this would leave out the unexplainable feeling I have to want to be a girl. There is definitely a sexual component to that desire, but it doesn't explain the feeling I have when I see a girl with nice hair, or wearing nice shoes, or clothes, or even seeing a girl with a cool personality on TV or something and thinking-'I wish I was like that'. When I think about the possibility of becoming a woman it's like butterflies in my stomach which sometimes turns into sexual arousal but sometimes does not. I'm at the point today where I am constantly pondering the question of whether I am transgender. I look at my own body in the mirror to try and imagine what it would look like female, I look at pictures of HRT changes and FFS to see what might be possible and I watch videos on Youtube to try and find a story that explains my situation.


I try to logically think it through to find the answer. A lot has changed for me in the last 5 years or so. I have been unable to deal with these issues and have become increasingly unhappy. The things that I cared about as a teenager are gone. I got a leg injury when I was 18 and two operations and two years later I couldn't get back to the level of athleticism I had previously. Sport as a career was gone and sport as hobby has become a depressing struggle. My looks have changed a bit- my hair started to fall out really young and while it's still hanging in there I don't like how I look anymore. I more or less hate everything about myself. The way I look, the things I've done, the way I think, the person I am really. I try to think 'would I be happy if I were a woman'? Maybe I am just depressed at the way my life has gone? I don't know. Sometimes I think maybe that all the things that I hate about my personality I wouldn't hate if I were I woman. I hate that I'm really insecure about my looks and I hide it from my friends. I hate that I know I'm a lot more in touch with my emotions and I hide it from my friends. I hate that I'm indecisive and I hate that I worry about the smallest things and I hide these traits as much as I can. Would I still hate these traits if I were a woman? Probably but I don't think I'd feel as shameful about them as much as I do. I wouldn't say I identify more with girls but I definitely look at the way they interact with each other and think, that would be much easier for me. I do feel like I'm different when I'm hanging around with large groups of guys at a party or in the locker room. Mainly because I don't feel like I have nearly the same amount of confidence as they do but also because 50 per cent of the conversation is stories about girls. Every time this happens I feel such complete shame that I just want to take a gun to my head. But I genuinely didn't feel that way when I was younger so maybe it's just something that has been created because of the way things have gone for me. I don't know.


I genuinely don't know if I'm transgender. I would say yes because I have an unexplainable desire to want to be a woman. But the sexual aspect completely confuses things for me and I haven't heard one transgender person who also had that aspect to their story. Anyone who has bothered to read all of this I really appreciate it. I really need help. I don't think about killing myself but I think about the idea of suicide a lot. A lot of the time it seems like the only logical outcome to the way I feel about myself. If my family weren't around I dunno I'd definitely think about doing it a lot more. I'm at the point where something has to give.


So after reading my story my question is this.......do you think I'm transgender?
Simple question

[mrs izzy]

Welcome orangejuice to Susan's family.

Wow. In all that I did not see anything about seeing a gender therapist. That's where I would start. You as all here need that help.

Again welcome to the forum.

[V M]

Hi orangejuice

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

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Hugs

V M

[Jessica Merriman]

Sweetie would it surprise you to know your story is so familiar to us? Well, it is. I identify with a lot you said and have had some of the same feelings and experiences. Relax, because we understand you and you are very welcome here. You will not be judged and hopefully we can help you somehow. I have to second everyone else though about getting a good Therapist preferably with gender experience. I did and they have helped immensely. I personally believe beyond a shadow of a doubt you are trans. Please explore it though and find out all there is to know before committing to transition. It is a long hard and sometimes lonely road to take. There will be ups an downs all throughout the process. That is why you need people in your corner. You have started out great by sharing your story and joining us here. It is a big step and we will do all we can to help you. 

[Ms Grace]

Hi orangejuice! Welcome to Susan's. Thanks for sharing your story. Are you trans? Based on what you have provided by way of info I'd say it is certainly a possibility. Like the others have suggested above, seeing a counsellor would be a good way to get to the nub of your feelings and what, if anything, you might like to do next.

[Abby Claire]

Oh boy, oh boy. Let me first start by saying you should see a therapist that specializes in gender issues. It will be your best bet to sort all of this out.

Now... Let's begin to dissect this story. For the record, I'm 28, mtf and recently came out and going to start hormones in the coming months.

Being incapable to have sex the first time isn't a sign of your sexual orientation. It's normally a sign of stress, pressure, and possible anxiety. It's very difficult to perform the first time for a lot of guys and usually takes time. For me, it could take me a few hours before I was "ready to go" with a girl, or sometimes a few nights of "oral play" before I was able to perform. If I was with a girl for a while, it usually became increasingly easier to perform because a lot of the stress of "having to perform" was gone.

Chronic masturbation is a sign of anxiety. I've had it even worse than you did/do. They say 5x a day is bad, and 5x a day was usually a slow day for me. It's a sign of anxiety and that could be connected to your desire to transition. For me, it was. I looked at A LOT of transsexual porn and always imagined myself as a woman. I used to have a real addiction to photoshopping my face onto women's bodies and used that as material to get off. The first time I experienced an orgasm and ejaculation I was 11 and wearing womens clothes, imagining myself as a woman.

I can't diagnose you, but I would say (based on what you've said) that you're highly likely transgender. I can't tell you what steps you need to take because my road hasn't been the easiest for me and my family so far. Those are bridges we all have to cross.

However, ever since I came out and identified myself as a transsexual, started therapy, went to support groups, and done small steps to become more feminine until I can start hrt (like using feminine hygiene products, shaving my legs, wearing clothes under my male clothes, etc), I've felt more "right". I don't know how to explain it, but this may help: Ever since I've started doing all this I never feel the need to masturbate. That might sound silly to some, but to me it is a real sign that I'm becoming happier with this process. Based on your story, you may understand that.

Btw, suicide is never the answer, but I (and many others) understand that. I still have been dealing with those thoughts.

I hope some of this helps and I hope you're able to figure yourself out too! We can give you our thoughts, but only you will know what your true identity is. Good luck!

[Jen682]

orangejuice,

Your story has many similarities with my own so don't think your experiences are unique.  One difference is that my time of self-examination was when I was 55, not 25.  The advantage you have is you can follow your path at a younger age in a more accepting climate.  This can greatly help your feminization and socialization efforts should you so choose.

Based on what you have said you are probably trans, but a good therapist can help you sort it out and help you feel good about your decision.

BTW, a very well written and concise history.  From it it seems you have already come to many conclusions already.

Best wishes.

Jen

[Taka]

let's try to rephrase your question a little bit and throw it back to you...
do you think that you are transgender?

if you are here looking for answers or hoping to get an answer confirming your own suspicion,
then you most likely are transgender.

i'm not saying this is for certain though. just that it is highly likely.
pretty much everyone who asks the question "am i transgender?", ask it because they are.

but as others have recommended, so will i. see a gender therapist.
the therapist can't tell you for sure whether or not you are transgender,
this is knowledge that only you have.
but they can help you sort out your confusions and insecurities,
and help you find the answer hidden inside.

there are also many ways to be transgender, and not all will transition the same way or at all.
a good gender therapist would also be able to help you sort out whether or how you want to change.

and just one more little thing. or question actually.
imagine the sexiest most athletic woman ever. definitely more athletic than most guys.
if you could magically get a whole body makeover to get back your athletic ability, any changes possible, with no social consequences at all,
would you choose a perfect version of your old body, or that woman's body?

[ChelseaAnn]

Ok, I didn't look over any of the replies, so I'm just replying to the OP.

I must say, I am astonished to the parallels between your story and my own, aside from a few differences. I did not have early feelings for one. Let me go through your post, and I'll help you out (but it is still up to you).

First, I did not have a sister growing up, nor any female cousins I was close enough to that I "borrowed" their clothing. However, when I was a teenager, I took my mother's clothing after school.

As per playing with toys and stuff, I did not try to play with girls things. I was a "typical" boy growing up, I had mostly female friends though.

I did not have dreams about sex, especially not as a woman. However, while masturbating, I did pretend I was the girl, and that did help me, ahem, finish. Otherwise, it was a lot of effort. I continued through high school and college wishing I'd just wake up as a girl. I used female usernames on chat sites, and pretended I was a girl.

As per the sexual side you are confused about, I too have the desire to be a woman (I am a tshirt and jeans kinda person when I have to present male, but I actually enjoy exploring options and getting dressed, and I take the time to get dressed when presenting as female). I would, in my opinion, describe myself as "different." Though I desire the female aspect of sex (being on bottom, penetration) I am still ok with being top as well. So, if the sexual aspect is confusing for you, you aren't the only one. Also, I too love women, and don't desire to be with a man.

Anyway, I hope that helps. If you have any other questions or want to talk, I would be glad to. It's always nice to find people with similar stories to your own. Btw, I'm almost 29, so keep your head up, because things can get better. I'll be transitioning soon, just not sure exactly when.

[orangejuice]

Thanks a lot for the replies I really appreciate it. Many of you recommended seeing a therapist and I think I'm going to have to do that. I had more or less decided yesterday for the first time that I'm not going to be able to beat these feelings by myself without telling somebody, hence why I decided to share and look for advice on here. I have actually been seeing a therapist about anxiety and depression but the whole time knowing it's pretty much pointless unless I'm able to talk about all this, which I haven't been able to bring myself to do. It's really hard for me to say this stuff out loud. I think I would probably have to write it down and let a therapist read it. But yeah thanks again for the replies they all helped.

Taka- that is a question I ask myself all the time. When I was a teenager it was like I had these feelings where I wanted to be a girl, but I wanted to pursue my passion for sport more so it wasn't my primary concern. I do wonder if things had gone differently for me if I would be thinking the same way I do now. If I hadn't got injured and had been able to achieve what I wanted to would these feelings have come to the forefront of my mind? Would they be at the forefront of my mind if things had gone differently for me in my late teens regarding sex? Although I have other theories, I can't rule out that the problems I faced there weren't to do with anxiety of the situation which grew exponentially after my first few experiences. I'm certain I would still have the 'I wish I was a girl feeling' sometimes, or maybe more than sometimes, but if I was otherwise able to do everything a normal straight guy does then would I care? I didn't when I was a teenager. BUT then again a part of the reason I was able to put those feelings aside when I was younger was because I never for a second thought they would last forever. Maybe I'd be happy now but wake up one day later in life and have it all come to the surface, which I'm terrified of to be honest. I'm terrified of not ever being able to understand these feelings.

To answer your question, I would choose the female body. I have no idea why. I often try to tell myself that if I was offered the choice of two pills-one that would make me female and one that would make me not have these feelings, I would choose the latter-but I know that would be a lie. 

When I look back at my life I can actually rationalize a lot of it and think, ok I might not be transgender. I can see how my brain formed different connections to which my thinking and also my body responded. I then think why couldn't I challenge those connections now and form new ones? But ultimately I can't explain where the desire comes from to take the first pill or choose the female body in your question. I'm still trying to understand where that comes from. It doesn't feel like my head. I don't know where it comes from.

Do you think it is possible to answer the question-'Here is a pill that will instantly and irreversibly change your gender, do you want to take it?'-with 'yes' and NOT be transgender?

[orangejuice]

Abby Claire,

It definitely feels good to hear someone who has experienced the same feelings. I have a massive amount of shame about it but I've often thought about doing the photo shop thing and sort of tried it once. It seems from what you have said that you are making the right decision if you don't feel the need to anymore. Feel free to not answer because its obviously really personal thing but- how did you know you are actually transgender rather than just being sexually attracted to the idea? before you took the steps that you have?

That is basically the question I'm struggling with and I literally come to a different conclusion every time I try to think it all out.

And another question if anyone has any thoughts I'd really appreciate it.....

Sometimes a conclusion I come to is that for whatever reason I've just turned out to be really superficial person. The way I look means A LOT to me. I want to be good looking. Like most people do. But on my list of what 'looks good' an attractive girl places higher than an attractive boy. That doesn't mean I'm miserable at being a guy, if I think I look good enough, which I did when I was a teenager. This would explain why I was able to have these feelings but also be totally happy. But now I have a lot of self-esteem issues with the way I look-I've changed quite a bit as a result of my hair thinning and receding. Now I every time I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror or see a photo I literally feel my heart drop inside me and I can be completely depressed for days.

So when I think about acting on this unexplainable desire that I have, I think it would only make me happy if I was a 100 per cent passable woman. I wouldn't necessarily have to be good looking but passable, and not ugly, which for me would be more or less an impossibility. Do you think if this conclusion is correct then this means that I'm not really transgender?

[Abby Claire]

how did you know you are actually transgender rather than just being sexually attracted to the idea? before you took the steps that you have?

That is basically the question I'm struggling with and I literally come to a different conclusion every time I try to think it all out.

And another question if anyone has any thoughts I'd really appreciate it.....

Sometimes a conclusion I come to is that for whatever reason I've just turned out to be really superficial person. The way I look means A LOT to me. I want to be good looking. Like most people do. But on my list of what 'looks good' an attractive girl places higher than an attractive boy. That doesn't mean I'm miserable at being a guy, if I think I look good enough, which I did when I was a teenager. This would explain why I was able to have these feelings but also be totally happy. But now I have a lot of self-esteem issues with the way I look-I've changed quite a bit as a result of my hair thinning and receding. Now I every time I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror or see a photo I literally feel my heart drop inside me and I can be completely depressed for days.

So when I think about acting on this unexplainable desire that I have, I think it would only make me happy if I was a 100 per cent passable woman. I wouldn't necessarily have to be good looking but passable, and not ugly, which for me would be more or less an impossibility. Do you think if this conclusion is correct then this means that I'm not really transgender?

I still struggle with the question of being transgender, but for me it was really that if I had a choice before birth, would I change my gender? The answer is always yes. I just asked myself a lot of hypothetical situations where the options were either stay as I am or change my gender and I almost always choose to change. I kind of knew it was right for me after going to therapy and group and talking to other transsexuals. It's a lot less terrifying when you see others going through it, and when that fear goes away you become a bit more accepting to the idea of transitioning.

And I completely understand the attractive girl better than attractive boy thing. In my mind, I find the female form to be the most beautiful thing in the world, so I don't get why transitioning to female isn't as common lol. I think you'll see that what you find as 100% passable or good looking now may change if you do transition. Sometimes you just feel more attractive when you're doing the things that you find beautiful (hair, makeup, clothes).

And I definitely get the hair thing. I noticed my hair was thinning a couple months ago and after spending a week panicking, thinking time was running out, I finally mustered up the courage to call a therapist to figure this all out. So definitely think about seeing a gender therapist and find a support group who can help you figure out what you want to do.

[Taka]

there is a tiny part of the brain, so well hidden between everything else that it can't be studied while a person is alive, which controls gender. this part of the brain is fully developed very early in a person's life, and no matter how many new connections you create in your brain, you can't overwrite what this tiny little control center tells me.

while a person is still young, succeeding in growing up, is a main priority, biologically programmed in your brain. this oftwn means conforming to one's caretakers' ideas, conforming to one's peer group. thinking differently and expressing it can be difficult, and often won't even feel necessary. after a person has succeeded in growing up, all the conforming becomes less important to survival, and all hidden aspect of one's personality, gender feelungs, other personal things that make you different from others, will surface much more strongly in your mind.

you become more and more like yourself, and less like what others seem to expect, as you grow older. if your gender does not conform with your body, this feeling can only grow stronger. what seemed bearable in youth, easy to suppress or hode, will become that one thing which clouds all happiness, makes you unable to be yourself. all the older transgender people here say it only ever grows stronger.

i will advice you to take your feelings seriously. seriously enough to do wjat it takes to find out if thwy are true or result of something else. but don't try to convince yourself either way, be honest with yourself, anything else will only prolong your suffering. a good therapist can offer you help with being honest, a safe setting where you can discuss with yourself all those matters whoch scare you so much you can't dare to speak them out loud.

being perfect as someone who isn't you won't necessarily give you happiness. i'd rather be the imperfect me than pretend to be someone else. pretending and lying to others and oneself can easily make fears much stronger, and can lead to heavy depression and social anxiety. what if someone finds out i'm not who i pretend to be, will they still accept me...?

[♥︎ SarahD ♥︎]

Welcome to Susan's orangejuice!   Holy crap hun, that first post is an essay worthy of one of my own posts! <3

Well hunni, as the others have said, your story doesn't sound at all strange to us.  Many (perhaps even most?) of us have had the same or similar experiences in one form or another.  Definitely put this to a gender therapist and see what they say (hell, save yourself some energy and just print out what you've already written here and show it to them ).  I'll try and answer the main questions you seem to be having, but remember this is just my opinion.  I'm not a gender expert by any stretch of the imagination so I could be wrong, but here are my thoughts anyway:

"Am I transgendered?"
From what you've described there hun, I'd personally say a big fat "yes"!   As I've been realising myself recently, cis-gendered people (i.e. "normal / non-trans* people") never question their gender.  They "just *know*" what their gender is, so why would they even think to ask questions about it?  At most they might ask the question for a brief, fleeting moment before laughing at the idea and shrugging it off, but they certainly don't have persistent thoughts of having a gender that doesn't align with their birth sex like trans* folk do.  From what you're describing here, it sounds like you've been having very persistent thoughts / questions about being female (or at least "not being male").  To me, that doesn't sound like someone who is certain about their gender.  That sounds like someone who is mis-aligned and is trying to align themselves with their body, largely because of social expectations ("you're born with a penis, so you have to act like a man").  As far as I can see, there seems to be little doubt that you're trans* hunni, because you're certainly not cis-gendered that's for sure lol!   That does lead us onto the next question though:


"Am I a girl?"
This is perhaps a slightly different question (and one that I'm honestly still trying to get an answer to for myself).  In your case I think the answer is "probably", but don't forget - contrary to popular misconception - gender isn't a binary thing.  There's many shades of grey between "male" and "female".  Maybe you're just a feminine guy, perhaps you're a tomboy type of female (that's kinda where I seem to be settling), perhaps you're androgynous (smack-bang in the middle), perhaps you're "gender-fluid" and change on a daily basis, or perhaps you're outside of the whole "male / female" spectrum as something new altogether.  You do seem to be describing a contentment on the female side of the line, which is why I say "yes", but that is something you're going to have to discover for yourself with therapy, introspection and most importantly - experimentation.  Your fantasies about being female (even the sexual ones) seem to point fairly strongly in this direction.  For the record, I imagined myself as female explicitly in my non-sexual fantasies, and indirectly in my sexual ones. I'd always imagine a woman I was attracted to having sex - not "me having sex with her" (any time I tried to do that, it'd just kill the mood completely), but just her having sex with some non-descript entity that wasn't me.  I could only get off on it when I did that.  Even when I had sex for real, I'd always focus on what she was feeling (seeing it through her eyes, essentially).  It wasn't until recently that I realised what I was doing was "being her", so when I was having sex for real, I was kinda having sex with myself in a weird sorta way..  This has been one of the major things for me that made me realise I was trans*, so yeh I know the feeling hun, don't worry about that   Speaking of sexuality though:


"What's my sexuality?"
Now notice I've so far not mentioned your sexuality?  That's because your physical sex (i.e. what your body is), your gender identity (what you identify with / what you feel inside that you are) and your sexuality (who / what you're attracted to) are three independent aspects to you as a person.  Your sexuality definitely seems a bit "up in the air", so let's have a look at this a little deeper.

As I mentioned above, you definitely seem more at home when you're imagining yourself as female.  You mentioned that you generally don't feel attracted to guys for the most part, but you do fantasise about being with them when you're in girl-mode.  You also mentioned how much you like trans* porn (hehe, I can relate to that - there's a lot of cute trans* girls out there <3 ).  So first of all, have you ever tried on a lesbian fantasy? I.e. with both her *and you* as girls?  It's quite easy - just imagine your man-bits are actually a dildo going into your own lady-parts (lol oh my, this is getting a little steamy, isn't it? #Blushing ).  It might be that you're attracted to girls, but because you keep imagining yourself in the wrong role, it kills the mood.  Like I said above, I find no matter how attractive a woman is to me, I simply can't do anything if I think of me being in the male role during sex (fantasy or real).  It might well be the same for you too hun

The "men" aspect might just be that you're not partial to genitals.  Again, this is something I can relate to myself - I personally love man-bits and lady-parts in pretty much equal measure.  I don't however find myself at all attracted to the rest of the male form, or masculine gender.  In fact I find masculinity in its extreme form actively repulsive (no offence to any of the guys here of course - you're all lovely! <3 ).  Again, it might be a similar case for you hun.  Alternatively you might just be finding that you're bi-curious or something of a similar nature.  Alternative number 3 - you might be letting go of suppressions and pressures to "be into women because you were born male", so what you might be doing is discovering that you're actually attracted to men, and the bits in between where you don't feel anything for them might just be those suppressions kicking back in.  There's nothing wrong with being attracted to men, and you owe it to yourself to let go of your hangups and let that cute little brain of yours explore and be free during your fantasies.  That way your true sexual preferences will start to shine through

On the female side of it, it's possible that you're attracted to personality / relationship / connection between you more than a person's physical body.  Your description of fantasising about having an orgasm just by hugging / kissing etc is what I'm picking up on here.  A lot of cis-gendered men never understand the idea that women can climax from emotional connections rather than visual stimuli (which is what men tend to do).  What you're describing here sounds a hell of a lot like that to me, and is additional evidence that you are girl-brained hunni


And finally...
I'll leave it there for now because this is getting long lmao!   Hopefully I've been of some assistance to you hun.  Just out of curiosity, how do you feel when I say: ♥Welcome to the family, sister!♥   The answer to that question would be quite telling lol

Just to wrap this post up, here's a couple of articles I've found lately that summarise things quite well:
http://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-info/sexual-orientation-gender/gender-gender-identity
http://sites.psu.edu/evolutionofhumansexuality/2014/04/07/gender-identity-nature-vs-nurture/

Hope I've helped hun! And remember - you're never alone! <3 *Hugs* <3

[orangejuice]

Abby Claire- Thanks. I'm realising that I'm probably going to have to take some steps before I understand these feelings properly. I do find it hard to imagine that a therapist or whoever can tell me something that I don't already know about myself that will suddenly make me see clearly. I still kind of hold on to the idea that I should be able to understand it by thinking it out on my own. But I'm open to the idea that I'm wrong about that.

Taka- 'there is a tiny part of the brain, so well hidden between everything else that it can't be studied while a person is alive, which controls gender'

So you mean they can open up a dead brain and identify a part that is male or female? I find all that stuff about the brain fascinating. Will definitely read up on that.

KiraD- Thanks a lot for the reply. A lot of what you said makes sense to me. Especially the last bit about having a more emotional sexuality. I've sort of always thought that about myself, but again being a guy with a bunch of guy friends, I've always felt a bit embarassed about it. Some of the other stuff you've said is potentially me but who knows. Not me lol. Thanks for the articles, the idea in the second one about gender being determined by the amount exposure to male hormones in the womb is reeeeally interesting.

[stephaniec]

I'd just like to say therapy like others have said

[Lyric]

Orange, it may come as some comfort to you that your story didn't seem the least bit weird to me and in fact I've heard versions of it many times before. I'm over 50 and went though a lot of what you are experiencing decades ago. I can give you some good information.

People who receive sexual gratification from feeling they are the other gender are quite a common, though, sadly, misunderstood sexual minority. In fact I suspect this is the forth most common sexual condition, after heterosexual, homosexual and bisexual. But just as homosexuality was once seldom understood and oppressed, this one still exists greatly in the dark.

There isn't really even a good name for it. One writer came up with the name "autogynophilia", but his concepts are fairly faulty and even using that term on this forum can cause alarms and red lights to flash. "Crossdresser" is the simple term often laid on them, but as you know it's not necessarily about dressing. It also doesn't mean you are transsexual, though (complicating things further, I'm afraid) some people who eventually decide they are TS start out with such feelings.

Your sexual self is something very much like height or race in that it's a trait that can't really be changed. We have to find a way to live with it and make the most of it. Gay people are a great example of how it's possible to be a sexual minority and find a place in society. People like you (and me) don't have an easy road map on how to go about it, though. It's not easy, but it can be done and can be quite satisfying. A good therapist may be able to help, though be warned that many of them don't have a very good fix on advising persons like us, either. In the end, you're going to have to apply your own creativity to this and find the best way live that works for you. Know in advance it will always be something of a compromise. There are number of ways you can go from here and you're the only person who will know which.

[♥︎ SarahD ♥︎]

...KiraD- Thanks a lot for the reply. A lot of what you said makes sense to me. Especially the last bit about having a more emotional sexuality. I've sort of always thought that about myself, but again being a guy with a bunch of guy friends, I've always felt a bit embarassed about it. Some of the other stuff you've said is potentially me but who knows. Not me lol. Thanks for the articles, the idea in the second one about gender being determined by the amount exposure to male hormones in the womb is reeeeally interesting.

Hay no problem hun, I'm glad something in my ramblings made sense to you lol!

And yeh, the effect of hormones in the womb on gender has been studied quite a bit actually, and the results come up the same every time.  This is why science says now a days that gender identity is fixed before birth, as environmental factors (contrary to old popular myth) seems to have little to no effect on a persons gender identity.

Additionally, there have been experiments involving monkeys that show the same thing (male monkeys are inherently attracted to male things like trucks and cars (it's thought because they have moving parts), and female monkeys are inherently attracted to dolls (thought to be due to mothering instincts), all in spite of the fact that they've not been raised to know that "trucks are for boys and dolls are for girls"), so if this is true then in principal it should be possible to show that the trans* condition exists in other primates, and quite possibly even other animals too.  We already know many other species exhibit homosexual behaviour (but only one species that we know of exhibits homophobic behaviour ), so it'd be great if the same turns out to be true for gender dysphoria etc too   Of course, proving that isn't as trivial as it sounds, which is why no one has done it yet (that I know of at least).

...
Taka- 'there is a tiny part of the brain, so well hidden between everything else that it can't be studied while a person is alive, which controls gender'

So you mean they can open up a dead brain and identify a part that is male or female? I find all that stuff about the brain fascinating. Will definitely read up on that.
...

Lol well in principal, yes.  At this point (and again - to the best of my knowledge), no one knows definitively what part(s) of the brain are actually responsible for gender identity.  Additionally, there is a branch of thought that suggests gender isn't something that has a "place" in the brain, but rather it's more about how the brain is wired up (or the "architecture" of the brain).  It's highly analogous to processor architectures - AMD and Intel may both make a 4.5gig CPU with 4 cores, and both have the same raw processing power as each other, but the two processors are put together very differently (they have different architecture), which is why they behave differently / one is better at some things than the other and vice-versa.  It may very well be the same for gender, which in a lot of ways would be good because the only time you'd get to see it is when the brain is live and in an MRI scanner (or similar).  It's not certain that that's the case though, it's just one line of thought that makes a lot of sense to me personally

<3

[Julia-Madrid]

Welcome to the club, Orange.  Not just to Susan's, but also to that group of us who pretty much identify with a whole lot of things you described.

Congratulations for being so frank with us; now go do this with a good therapist!


Are you transgendered?  Maybe, but it's not so important yet to get that answer. The good news is that if you work with your therapist and are honest with yourself, you will probably find that answer.  The bad news is that you may not like what you find.   

But although having an answer may give you awareness, it does not by any means predispose you to any future path.  I got my answer when I was in my 20s.  I then had 20 pretty successful years as a guy.  There were challenges, in particular having to imagine myself as a girl during sex in order to perform physically as a male (really difficult), and wishing I could wear those beautiful dresses in the expensive stores. And less than a year ago I decided that it was now time to become the person I always knew I was.  Some of us are lucky enough to be able to choose when to take the decision.  Or unlucky- it depends on how you see it.  And I can only describe the journey so far as fantastic.

As you set out on your particular journey, allow me to suggest two things:  First, be honest with yourself; it will make you a happier person.  Second, be an optimist, that way every decision you take will be the right decision.

I hope some of this makes sense...

Julia

[ImagineKate]

Hi Orangejuice! Your story draws a lot of interesting parallels to mine. I have a therapist appointment in a little over a week and I'm nervous and excited at the same time. In particular you talk about your upbringing and school uniforms. I have had the same experience with dysphoria growing up. I had badly (as in really badly) wanted to go to school as a girl. It just wasn't possible for me because a. I lived in a very transphobic country (Trinidad and Tobago) b. I went to an all boys school for both primary (x2) and secondary  c. We had uniforms as well and I only had a boys' uniform. But if I could turn back the clock I would and go to school as a girl. School uniforms, how boring. Not exactly the "drag queen" image that people have of most transgendered people, eh?

I am wondering what country you are from and live in now, if you feel comfortable sharing please do. If not, I understand.

Anyway you should go talk about your situation with a therapist. My initial talk over the phone helped put my mind at ease a bit. Can't wait for the actual appointment.