Decided not to transition. Advice to deal with daily life, etc...?

[michelle_kelly]

I lost about 3 to 4 days of sleep thinking about transitioning and ultimately I have came to this conclusions:

1) I can't transition due to my social anxiety. I already HATE going outside. Imagine going outside as a transitioning transsexual male to female. I'm sorry if this statement is going to offend people but I can't live with that shame AND have social anxiety at the same time. I believe though if I FINISH transition AND I can pass maybe then my social anxiety won't be as bad because I'll be loads happier as a female. I don't remember the last time I was truly happy though so...

Fair enough.  If you don't think you can do it because of your social anixety then you shouldn't push yourself.  But maybe later on in life when your social anxiety is not so bad then maybe you can handle both.

2) I assume won't pass. I asked other male to female transgender people and they say the same thing. If you can't pass there isn't any point. They feel if I attempt to transition, I will be risking alot because they aren't even sure if HRT can fix my fully developed male body (I am about to be 19, I am hairy, fat and face is full of acne due to constant stress). I don't believe in taking risks and screwing up my life even worse. >_<

Bad assumption in my opinion.  If you think that then yes you will not pass.  If you don't have confidence that you will pass, then people will sense that lack of confidence and you will not pass in their eyes.  You have to believe in yourself before anybody else will believe you.

Now the reason I say bad assumption on your part is that there  are people with fully developed male bodies and older than you that transition and pass very remarkably.  Maybe have a look on the internet and read people's stories about transitioning then maybe change your mind about your assumption.  Hair is no problem from what I understand it goes away with hormones.  Face full of acne due to constant can be managed.  I am not sure about fat as far as your concern, but that doesn't affect your transition.

But if you think its not worth the risks, then I respect your decision not to transition. 

3) My family. My father and brother will accept this but the rest of my family won't. I have a schizophrenic mother who's mental state is too fragile to tell I am transsexual. If I transition I fear she will attempt suicide or her condition will worsen. I am basically the only one in my family who is trying to keep things together. I am going to college studying a major (electrical engineering) I don't want to do just to ensure the fact that I can hold a secure job and take care of my mother and brother when the time comes (who also is schizophrenic, but not as bad as my mother) since no one else will do it.

Well in that case if you fear she will commit suicide if you transition and your trying to take care of your mother and hold a secure job then maybe your right that transitioning at this time is not the best idea.

4) I don't think I'll mind remaining asexual for the rest of my life. Because the male idea of sex truly disgusts me I will never find a girlfriend and I'm not into guys so yeah. If I live alone I feel it will better for me because most of my life I've been living a life to please my family. I don't want much in my life except transitioning (isn't possible) and living alone so I can just be in peace. Transitioning conflicts with living in peace by default so its not worth it.

I can understand the male idea of sex disgusts you.  It disgusts me and rather not have sex.  But never finding a girlfriend isn't that reaching a little?  When I was your age I never had a girlfriend and still a virgin. Also believed I would never have a girlfriend.  But now I have been married twice.  The first one was a disaster because I married for the wrong reason.  The second one, I have been married fifteen years to a lovely and beautiful woman and we are very happy together.  So if it is possible for me then its possible for you.  But if you believe that you will never have a girlfriend then yes you will never have a girlfriend for a lack of trying.

5) I am half black and there is alot of hatred toward black transsexual/transgender people. I don't want to die early or get beaten.

That is a risk for any transexual/transgender person regardless of race.  Doesn't mean that you will die early or get beaten just a risk of that happening.  If you are careful with who you are with then you can reduce that risk.

6) I don't feel as dysphoric as other transgender people I've talked with online.

I feel the same way about being dysphoric.  But that is not a valid reason not to transition.  If you feel that it will make you happy to transition then do it.

What should I do from here?

Given some of the reasons you indicated then maybe transition is not right for you at the present moment.  Doesn't mean you will never transition, with time circumstances may change and it be something you will try.

My suggestions is 1.) Keep an open mind, you seem to be focused on the negative side of transition which of course makes you see it as not an option for you 2.) Do more research about transitioning 3.) Don't make assumptions.  Don't assume the past and present is your future. 4.)  You feel that transition right now is an option.  Ok that is fine, be happy that you chosen the best course of action for you.  Like I said keep an open mind about it.  Maybe with time and a changes in your circumstances then transition can happen.  But regardless of what happens now or in the future, be happy with who you are as a person and your body because you made the best choices for yourself

[halfsleep]

For me, once I realized I'm not going to transition due to laziness, lack of money, and health issues, pretty much converted my mind to label myself as non-binary, or "queer".

It's easier to tolerate that way, staying in between, rather than dealing with being mistaken for a 16 year boy at almost 30 years of age, and making myself depressed over lack of masculine, assertive qualities.

while I would still love to have muscle mass and facial hair, I think psychologically it's better if I relieve the pressure as I'm already pretty emotionally screwed up.

[mmmmm]

I believe though if I FINISH transition AND I can pass maybe then my social anxiety won't be as bad because I'll be loads happier as a female. I don't remember the last time I was truly happy though so...

Seriously, how is not transitioning even an option? Go find a gender therapist (with experience working with transsexual people), you need to talk this things through with someone, and make a plan that will work for you. You are young, start figuring these things now, not when you are 45. Good luck

[Britney79]

Hi,

   I definitely agree with everyone else that you need to seek a therapist.  Living your life unhappy is not going to be enjoyable, trust me I did it for thirty six years. Living in denial and with a secret will eat you up and spending all the time to cover it up is consuming. When I decided to come out and start my transition was a tough decision,  but the weight that was lifted from shoulders was enormous, but from my prospective when I made this decision it never crossed my mind whether I would pass as a woman it was more about being happy with my self and happy in my own skin.

I don't have as much experience as many do in this room. I do know one thing you can change you and only you. Trust me I was a very masculine man but I decided to change that. I stopped eating junk food, started exercising and being masculine was a part of my cover so know one would know.

As far as the social anxiety goes, I was diagnosed with PTSD after the war and I used that as an excuse when things got hard. I am not saying that you at doing that but this are things you can overcome and get past but it's hard work not much different than decided to transition. 

Sorry I feel like I am rambling but you as an individual have to find what makes you happy. If being a woman makes you happy then you need to find that happy spot no matter what anyone else's thinks

Britney