Decided not to transition. Advice to deal with daily life, etc...?

[boredrooster]

I lost about 3 to 4 days of sleep thinking about transitioning and ultimately I have came to this conclusions:

1) I can't transition due to my social anxiety. I already HATE going outside. Imagine going outside as a transitioning transsexual male to female. I'm sorry if this statement is going to offend people but I can't live with that shame AND have social anxiety at the same time. I believe though if I FINISH transition AND I can pass maybe then my social anxiety won't be as bad because I'll be loads happier as a female. I don't remember the last time I was truly happy though so...

2) I assume won't pass. I asked other male to female transgender people and they say the same thing. If you can't pass there isn't any point. They feel if I attempt to transition, I will be risking alot because they aren't even sure if HRT can fix my fully developed male body (I am about to be 19, I am hairy, fat and face is full of acne due to constant stress). I don't believe in taking risks and screwing up my life even worse. >_<

3) My family. My father and brother will accept this but the rest of my family won't. I have a schizophrenic mother who's mental state is too fragile to tell I am transsexual. If I transition I fear she will attempt suicide or her condition will worsen. I am basically the only one in my family who is trying to keep things together. I am going to college studying a major (electrical engineering) I don't want to do just to ensure the fact that I can hold a secure job and take care of my mother and brother when the time comes (who also is schizophrenic, but not as bad as my mother) since no one else will do it.

4) I don't think I'll mind remaining asexual for the rest of my life. Because the male idea of sex truly disgusts me I will never find a girlfriend and I'm not into guys so yeah. If I live alone I feel it will better for me because most of my life I've been living a life to please my family. I don't want much in my life except transitioning (isn't possible) and living alone so I can just be in peace. Transitioning conflicts with living in peace by default so its not worth it.

5) I am half black and there is alot of hatred toward black transsexual/transgender people. I don't want to die early or get beaten.

6) I don't feel as dysphoric as other transgender people I've talked with online.

What should I do from here?

[JourneyFromConfusion]

You basically sound like me to be honest. But I wonder how much of your social anxiety comes from being someone you're not. It sounds like regardless as to whether you transition or not, you need to seek therapy. No, therapy is not a judgmental place. It helps you reflect on what triggers you, dealing with it and how to better your life. Your outlook on life is going to determine how it goes. Just because you don't transition doesn't mean you won't do anything to "worsen" your life. We have this one life to live and while I know what it's like to have severe social anxiety,  I am sick of living for others. I'm slowly easing into my own transition (FTM) and it's not easy at all. I am anxious, yes, but part of me is happy. Before you even really decide to transition or not, seek therapy for your self-image and social anxiety issues. As you work through this, you'll see whether you truly need to transition or not. A lot of your reasons comes from lack of self security more than truly not needing to transition. But anyway, here are some things to make you a little happier as you go through life:

1. Wear female underwear. No one will see your underwear and if you're nervous that they will, wear male underwear over it. From what I've heard, many MTFs feel a bit less dysphoric just having this small piece of clothing on them.

2. When you're alone, dress completely in women's clothes or play with makeup. It can take your mind off yoru current situation and really allow you to possibly be comfortable with who you are

3. Try eating healthier (if you're not already). Extra weight can bring extreme self-image issues (Speaking from experience as an obese person here). From what I hear, weight loss is 80% diet, 20% working out. Change your lifestyle habits. It'll help with acne along with your weight.

Side note: Just because you don't transition doesn't mean you will live longer. No one knows when they're going to die so to assume "I will be less likely to die because I'm not a target" doesn't necessarily hold true. You probably will pass easily and are just down on yourself. I'm always here to talk if you need to.

[Taka]

how to deal with daily life?

uh... what i'm doing while unable to transition, is to deal with other issues.
like social anxiety, depression, a rather general anxiety too, that would give me near panic attacks, and other stuff that was just too heavy to bear.

going into therapy just to deal with all other troubles than being trans, would probably help a whole lot.
with your family background, there should be a lot to win, and very little if anything, to lose.

my own mother isn't schizophrenic, but definitely has a whole lot of other problems. and is very unfit to raise children.
not that this stopped her from trying again, after abandoning her oldest kids.

i'm not gonna blame her too much, she has no idea how much damage she's done.
but thinking this is something i can live with, was very wrong of me, and having dealt with this rather than pretending it wasn't a problem, really took away a whole lot of anxiety. and losing the anxiety, i somehow also lost the fear of transitioning. (not that it helps much, transitioning is still not something i can just do in this country where i live.)

so, umm... try dealing with your anxiety? finding ways to overcome it or fix it?
getting rid of one problem, has for me made the other problems seem less problematic.
if you're too scared to transition right now, stop being scared first. maybe you'll still think that transition is not for you, but that's something you should consider again when you aren't so scared.


you say you don't want the education you're taking, but... is that really true?
it seems to me that you just chose money over personal interests. your own priorities, so you should be wanting it somewhat even if it doesn't feel that way? if a stable job is that important to you, wouldn't it be better if you just decided to like the job you're aiming for?
my own job is mostly boring and frustrating, but it earns me money that i need, and i even get to do something useful for other people once in a while. i totally love this job.

anyway. talk to a therapist? doesn't need to be a gender specialist at all, you have more than enough to deal with outside the question of whether or not to transition.

[kelly_aus]

I lost about 3 to 4 days of sleep thinking about transitioning and ultimately I have came to this conclusions:

1) I can't transition due to my social anxiety. I already HATE going outside. Imagine going outside as a transitioning transsexual male to female. I'm sorry if this statement is going to offend people but I can't live with that shame AND have social anxiety at the same time. I believe though if I FINISH transition AND I can pass maybe then my social anxiety won't be as bad because I'll be loads happier as a female. I don't remember the last time I was truly happy though so...

Why the shame? Being trans is not something to be ashamed of. And there's a good chance your social anxiety is a result of having to live a lie. Mine was.

2) I assume won't pass. I asked other male to female transgender people and they say the same thing. If you can't pass there isn't any point. They feel if I attempt to transition, I will be risking alot because they aren't even sure if HRT can fix my fully developed male body (I am about to be 19, I am hairy, fat and face is full of acne due to constant stress). I don't believe in taking risks and screwing up my life even worse. >_<

Nobody assumes they will pass. And you can't tell what hormones will do until they've done them. I also know some happy trans women that many would call 'unpassable'. 19? Fully developed? LOL Body hair, being over weight and having acne are all things you can do something about. Make the choice to do something about them.

Only you can decide if transition is for you, although a therapist is handy for some guidance and support.

3) My family. My father and brother will accept this but the rest of my family won't. I have a schizophrenic mother who's mental state is too fragile to tell I am transsexual. If I transition I fear she will attempt suicide or her condition will worsen. I am basically the only one in my family who is trying to keep things together. I am going to college studying a major (electrical engineering) I don't want to do just to ensure the fact that I can hold a secure job and take care of my mother and brother when the time comes (who also is schizophrenic, but not as bad as my mother) since no one else will do it.

Ahhh.. Living your life for others.. Standard denial meme #4. Short answer on that is you can't do it forever. It will eat at you.. The dysphoria won't go away. And you will get more and more disillusioned with life.

4) I don't think I'll mind remaining asexual for the rest of my life. Because the male idea of sex truly disgusts me I will never find a girlfriend and I'm not into guys so yeah. If I live alone I feel it will better for me because most of my life I've been living a life to please my family. I don't want much in my life except transitioning (isn't possible) and living alone so I can just be in peace. Transitioning conflicts with living in peace by default so its not worth it.

I came out 4.5 years ago, I now live a fairly normal, reasonably quiet life as a woman. I have peace. I even found a woman who loved me, but she was sadly taken from me.

5) I am half black and there is alot of hatred toward black transsexual/transgender people. I don't want to die early or get beaten.

Have you considered that denying yourself the opportunity to transition might also cause you to die early?

6) I don't feel as dysphoric as other transgender people I've talked with online.

As someone who has never had any physical dysphoria beyond the simple knowledge that my body was wrong, but who had quite nasty social dysphoria, I have to say there's no such thing as more or less dysphoric. You have dysphoria or you don't.

What should I do from here?

Go see a therapist who specialises in gender issues.. And have a long, hard think about what kind of life you want. I'm not going to tell you to transition, but I will say I'm not seeing any real reasons here not to. I'm sure there are plenty of women here who made a similar choice to you at a similar age and I'd be willing to bet many of them wish they had chosen otherwise.

[Jessica Merriman]

I asked other male to female transgender people and they say the same thing. If you can't pass there isn't any point.

You do not transition to pass sweetie, you transition to manage chronic Dysphoria a real medical condition and to survive. If passing is the only reason you want to transition you are better off not doing it like you are talking about. Transition is for those of us diagnosed with Dysphoria as a means to survive it just like any other medical procedure. How you live with it is up to you as I could not live with it and ran out of options except for transition.

I think you should do as previously mentioned above and see a Therapist preferably with gender experience. Dysphoria CAN shorten your life as many of us here know to well with the friends we have lost.

To transition or not is up to you, but I will say Dysphoria never goes away. None of us would have given up marriages, friends, family, jobs and everything else if it were just possible to walk away and forget we have Dysphoria.

[boredrooster]

Thanks everybody for your advice! I guess transition really isn't for me. I'm too closeted as a trans person and I can live as a male, I just won't ever be happy. Thats nothing new though.

[Sammy]

You are only 19 years old. Plenty of time to consider and reconsider Your options. But there is not really much sense to choose unhappiness... sure, You might find distractions and ways to ease Your burden, but... how long will they last? Maybe enough, to grant some sort of inner peace, maybe they wont last that long. Anyway, Your journey, whatever it may be, is only beginning.
Be safe!

[Jill F]

Thanks everybody for your advice! I guess transition really isn't for me. I'm too closeted as a trans person and I can live as a male, I just won't ever be happy. Thats nothing new though.

I though the same thing for years until I woke up in the hospital twice within a month from trying to drink myself to death at age 43.

Sweetie, you can run, but you can't hide.  Gender dysphoria never goes away and it just gets progressively worse. 

I spent most of my life pretty much completely miserable all the time.   I tried alcohol to excess and all the drugs in the world, and it never really made me happy.  It was just another distraction.  I reluctantly took estrogen at age 43, and I discovered inner peace for the first time ever.   And you know what?  It's AWESOME.  Who knew?

Your brain is running on the wrong set of hormones, and that will probably ruin your life and/or end it prematurely.   Please do something closer to sooner rather than later and enjoy your youth instead of wallowing in misery.

Please talk to a gender therapist as soon as you can and live the life you were meant to live.  I thought I was a hopeless, fat, hairy monster once upon a time, but it turns out I'm not.  Hormones are more powerful than you might realize.  The only people who ever seem to clock me anymore are other transwomen, and I've not had any facial feminization surgery.

Hugs,
Jill

[Julia-Madrid]

Thanks everybody for your advice! I guess transition really isn't for me. I'm too closeted as a trans person and I can live as a male, I just won't ever be happy. Thats nothing new though.

Huh?  You are amongst friends here, but how can you say that you won't ever be happy?!  Sometimes we have to work very hard to achieve happiness, taking risks to get there.   Speaking as someone who hid her true self for over 20 years, until we are true to ourselves we will always have at least a splinter, sometimes a girder, of unhappiness in our souls.  But it may take time to work that splinter lose.

If you feel that you are not able to transition, then this is the correct decision for you.  You are closing no doors.  It's OK.

Please allow me to echo the advice of other girls on your thread, and try see a therapist.  Not because you're a basket case, but because it will help you so very much with a number of issues that we all can see are causing you substantial distress. 

Take your time, and visualise who you want to be.  You're at an age where you can invent yourself exactly as you want.  Hell, it's actually possible to do this at any age, but 19 is such a great age to do it.  So do it!

Hugs and more hugs
Julia

[stephaniec]

therapy can help

[skin]

Why come to conclusions?  Do what you can to survive right now (which should include therapy).  Perhaps a couple years down the road when you have more stability you will come to a different conclusion.  But there's no point in worrying about that now.  Focus on getting through school while allowing yourself to explore your identity.  Your fears are valid, but staying closeted does not mean you have to completely suppress your identity. 

[kelly_aus]

Thanks everybody for your advice! I guess transition really isn't for me. I'm too closeted as a trans person and I can live as a male, I just won't ever be happy. Thats nothing new though.

Can you try saying something that isn't a load of denial-laden tripe?

Seriously, go see a gender therapist..

[Taka]

nah, the gender therapist isn't really needed. not at this point.

simply go see a therapist. any therapist.
this problem runs deeper than just the gender issues.

[Kristina Russell]

Hi,
The things I do to keep my sanity have change and evolved over time.  Recently I started seeing a professional and she has actually been very helpful not just in dealing with transgender tendencies but also with other parts of life.  There is no shame in seeing a therapist and they actually seem to enjoy their transgender patients.

Also, I take thyroid hormone and I have noticed that if I am not getting enough, my transgender feeling intensify, of course if I get to much, then I start feeling bonkers and suicidal. So in short, keeping the meds balanced is very critical at least for me.

Another key factor is my diet. Eating healthy does wonders for the mental health. I have been cooking from a gluten free, soy free, dairy free cookbook and I feel a million times better.

One of my favorite strategies is to go into my "female brain". I realized at some point that I had forced myself into a masculine mindset which I believe was a part of repressing my inner female.  I have learned to let myself feel female inside and act female on the outside.  What a relief!!! I discovered this because when I would make love to my wife, I would slip into woman mode and center my thoughts away from the male areas and into the female areas. Then I found that I could go into and out of male and female modes. Then one day I just decided to stay in female mode all of the time. At this point, I'm not sure if I could even go back into male mode again.  It is such a relief to just allow myself to be myself without the inner struggle.

Finally, I visualize myself being female on the outside and I pretend that the world sees me as female. When I look in the mirror, I just say to myself that "this is how some women look" and it is okay.  I can be myself and feel like myself without wearing feminine outfits. I can just be myself on the inside where it really counts. The outside is just a protective covering.

I save getting dressed for when I'm home alone cooking and cleaning etc.
Best Wishes.
Kristina

[alexbb]

"When I look in the mirror, I just say to myself that "this is how some women look" and it is okay."

That is so brilliant, im stealing that!!

[Lostkitten]

Find a goal in life to focus on so much, that you forget everything around you. Like your family, your job, a hobby/passion. Anything.

Of course it is totally up to you what you do with it but I also agree dysphoria does not disappear. You can push it away and try not to think about it too much? But then again, if you do still cross-dress in free time, dysphoria will only get worse.

Or at least so is my experience. The more I opened up and did with it, the more I felt a stronger urge to do something with these feelings.

[jeni]

Therapy therapy therapy.

I agree with Taka: see any therapist, it sounds to me like you have more to consider than just gender identity and it's likely easier to get a "standard" therapist at this point, for a lot of reasons. Trying to sort out something as complicated, potentially frightening, etc, as whether you're transgender and whether you want to transition is going to be REALLY hard if there are other major stressors mixed in there. If you can get to a place where you're feeling more comfortable it will be easier to think about this.

You're absolutely not alone in how you feel. I don't have all the same issues as you, but we all have things we can turn into reasons why it's impossible to do the things we want. At my therapy session yesterday (just a "standard" therapist, btw), I was talking about how I feel like, more than some trans girls, I do have a choice because the dysmorphia I feel is not so severely upsetting that spending the rest of my life as a man is completely impossible. He very kindly pointed out that, that's true, if I'm willing to spend the rest of my life hiding who I really am. Maybe it's a small idea, but it resonated with me very strongly. That "choice" is a lot less appealing when I consider it that way, and I need to be careful not to undervalue my own feelings and needs when making decisions.

So... therapy and patience. There's no rush, you're young.

[gennee]

When I came out nearly ten years ago it was a process. I moved from a cross dresser to transgenderist to transgender. I am not going to get GRS . I never had the desire to have the surgery. I was quite content where I was. Though I'm not transitioning physically I certainly have emotionally and spiritually.   

I never any shame or guilt about wearing women's clothing. It was always in me just waiting for the right to reveal 'Gennee'. I was nearly fifty- seven when Gennee made her entrance and I haven't looked back.

[Aazhie]

It is always your choice. It is your life, your body, your decisions! You might not be ready or you may never really want to do anything that involves transitioning.  I don't know how long you have known you are transgender but ultimately the choice is yours.  I agree with the first response that perhaps starting on your weight and habits around that could help!  I know acne is awful, it is not always eliminated through diet but it certainly can be helped!  Trying to develop better diet AND eating habits could really help you out overall if you can manage that.  There are many gorgeous transgender women of color and with modern tech, results can be even better than you expect,so don't decide you can't transition because of your body. You are 19,you are young and could have a long life ahead of you. I would recommend working on stuff like: health,school and yourself, regardless of your gender.  BE A PERSON YOU CAN LIKE.

If you have any interest whatsoever, BUY THIS BOOK:  The Power of Habit

I majored in pyschology and this book is great for anyone to read and be inspired by. It's tangentially related to your post but if you are wanting to be happier, healthier and understand a little more about the human mind and how to get yourself focused it is extremely useful.  So much that I would send you my copy if you can't afford to buy it yourself.  Seriously.  Let me know,Ican always buy another one.

What that is is your own definition, but for example: I am FTM but i do not wear a binder when i am not at my workplace. It hurts and I wear it all 12 hours at work for three days a week and I do not want to wear it the rest of the week.  So I am pretty much expecting people that are not my immediate household to still call me female pronouns.  It sucks a little but I prefer it to not breathing deeply and having an ache in my back every night. I AM saving up for top surgery though, so that is the thing that gets me through hard days. I know it won't cure my disphoria, but mine is not as bad as many other transfolk and I am ok with it most of the time.

I have many hobbies, I love art,reading, taxidermy, playing games online, gardening, games with my friends and housemates, cooking and TOO MANY MORE! Find the things that fascinate you, whether they are for 'MEN' or 'WOMEN' !!  WHO CARES?? If you like it , it is cool in my book! I have cis-male friends who knit and cis-female friends who LOVE SPORTS. It doesn't matter as long as you are passionate about it!  I am not saying let your hobbies distract you from being trans, but it can help you to take an hour or so to get really absorbed in something awesome that doesn't make you feel like you are having to prove your gender to anyone!

STUDY/BE SMART/GO TO SCHOOL/VOLUNTEER! School can seem like a LOT of BS, and to be fair, sometimes it is! BUT you still have to work to get through a class and earn a  good grade- thyat is why people with honors, diplomas and stuff tend to get better jobs.  I work at a hospital, did not specialize in anything medical in college but I have experience working with autoclaves and was lucky they needed someone to do that kind of work.  I went through a long convoluted chain from volunteering at cat and dog shelters, to working at a vet (which did surgery and used small autoclaves) and then at a really fancy piercing/tattoo shop that needed an autoclave worker to clean, maintain and run all their tools and machines.  THAT ended up getting me my current job, which I love!  I am able to save money and do a really excellent service.  I am 30 and just now starting to really transition. You really shouldn't give up completely on the idea, but again,it's your life and your choice!  You may change your mind someday, maybe not!  It doesn't matter to me as long as you can cope/be happy and do your best!

As for Health, just try to be active doing something you like! I walk EVERYwhere.  I live in a small town and I walk to the grocery store, the bank, pretty much anywhere I can.  I know not everyone lives someplace that is as conducive to this kind of thing, but do what you can.  If you can, try to shift your eating habits to things that are less processed,have less salt and sugar.  This is HARD, but if you have time and a little spare money, you can often find things for reasonable prices that are good for you. Some of the fancier co-op grocery stores by me will GIVE AWAY food for free if it's nearly at the expiration date.  Research your area, see if anyone does this by you.  You can find all kinds of cool, wierd new foods AND teach yourself how to cook them.  The internet has a recipie for everything!  Cooking can be a bit tough if you don't do it yourself but if you are willing to put in some time and frustration it is overall cheaper and healthier for you than pretty much anything else.  I honestly just love steaming broccolli for a few minutes to soften it and slapping butter or cheese on it. I know that doesn't sound all that healthy or great to some people, but it's way healthier than a burger or fries by about a million XD You do not even have to cut sweets and stuff out completely, just try to reduce them a little bit every day.  Monitor your eating habits- THIS HELPS SO MUCH! Basically keep a small journal or if you have a phone with a not system and write down EVERYTHING you eat for a couple weeks.  You will often realize that you and maybe even your friends eat all kinds of stuff you don't even think about.  When you pay attention to what you eat, why you are eating it and when you are eating it can help you start to change.  Also, if you can, use smaller plates or bowls.  There's a really good study that showed if you eat less food in a smaller container or off a smaller plate,you will feel just as full as a large amount of food off a large plate.  Your eyes and brain see a full plate, no matter how big it is.

Honestly, you are so young to rule out any options. If you are willing to start now and try to change yourself for the better, you can train yourself into good habits and who knows what you will want in five years, or ten?  AND BY CHANGE I AM NOT EVEN TALKING TRANSITIONING, but that is also still something you could choose if you wanted! You should not feel pressured to do anything you don't want to do, but I urge you to explore the reasons you are afraid and see if you can think of solutions to the problems you might expect to come up.  If you have access, try reading books you might not otherwise on subjects that interest you.  Read about philosophy and psychology.  I recommend learning about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy it is extremely useful and interesting without being too boring for most people.

Don't let anyone bully or force you into a choice, one way or another. Being a teen sucks and is hard for everyone, trans, cis, color, white, all teens have a rough time.  I did not even know Iwas trans until about 25 or so and while that did explain some of my teen angst, things are changing for you in all fronts of you life/body/world so take some time to just think on what you like, who you are and what some goals you might want to set for yourself. 

If you have a counselor at school you can trust, can you talk to them?  You don't have to come out,but maybe see if they can help you by talking about other issues?  I went to a therapist for gender issues and she ended up seeing me long term for anxiety.  It wasn't even something I really thought was a problem until she asked me if I always felt stressed.  For me, the gender issues are almost always secondary to me being a bit of a spaz that worries about everything.

I hope this isn't too much nonsense, I've done a lot of life changing that isn't at all related to my gender but it has really helped me feel better and more whole a person, regardless of what the grocery clerk calls me!

[alexbb]

Gosh I like you!
This is a bit of a longwinded quote but what you aid reminded me of it. its one of my favourites i repeat it like a litany to fear or something!

"The best thing for being sad," replied Merlyn, beginning to puff and blow, "is to learn something. That is the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then--to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning is the thing for you. Look at what a lot of things there are to learn--pure science, the only purity there is. You can learn astronomy in a lifetime, natural history in three, literature in six. And then, after you have exhausted a milliard lifetimes in biology and medicine and theocriticism and geography and history and economics--why, you can start to make a cartwheel out of the appropriate wood, or spend fifty years learning to begin to learn to beat your adversary at fencing. After that you can start again on mathematics, until is it is time to learn to plough."

Merlyn, advising the young King Arthur, T. H. White's The Once and Future King