Nunon,
I had struggled with my identity during my adolescence because puberty thrust me into the world of womanhood/motherhood where I had no say in the matter. I was born premature and had androgenisation condition where my genitals were more masculine than feminine - this prompted me to grow up believing I was a boy. I thought I could pee standing up like my father but that failed miserably. I convinced myself that puberty would fix my body to be correctly male... boy, was I wrong!
I didn't want breasts - thankfully, my breasts were very small until my late adolescence... I was convinced I would be flat-chested for the rest of my life but nope, puberty just wanted to give me false hope. Periods were horrible, especially since I was not interested in having sex or having babies so it kind of felt like the whole process of periods was pointless. Add onto that, I experienced violent mood swings that took a lot out of me emotionally and physically every month when the period was due to hit. To this day, I still do not know if this behavior was a result of crippling dysphoria or because my mind and body may not have been able to handle the spike of hormones due to having lower levels of T than a biological girl should have or maybe something else entirely.
I struggled with my identity as a girl. I rejected traditionally feminine activities and rejected being a stereotypical girl by society's standards... I feared that if I enjoyed doing those things, that it would reinforce the fact that, yes, I am a girl. I did not want that at all. I would get very angry if people showed interest in dating me as a girl or if they expected me to act a certain way. I wanted to be myself, not a walking example of what other people expected me to be.
I experienced "crushes" on both guys and girls. I later learned that it was not crushes as I did not develop romantic feelings for them or feel the need to climb into bed with them... I realized their traits is what I desired to have... long hair, pretty features, being gentle and being confident, a person that everyone can feel they can talk to. I was never interested in love or sex. Even after trying sex and attempting relationships with others, it hasn't really changed anything. I still identify as asexual and not interested in the least in romance. I still daydream though...I occasionally have daydreams of falling for someone for the first time and the hopeless romantic in me still enjoys the occasional romance movie. It's a fantasy and I'll be surprised if it does become a reality because so far, I haven't had any feelings that come anywhere close to what romantic feelings are defined to be.
Fanfiction and comics about boys love, I can relate to this. I have experienced arousal to these subjects, it was intense to the point that I had convinced myself that I may be a gay FTM. I later learned that... no, fantasy is much different from reality. In my fantasies, I may be fluid in sexuality but in reality, it doesn't translate over to real life. I still am asexual in real life. It's the same with having kinks, I have many fantasies involved with said kinks but translating them over to a real person to share those kinks with in real life, it doesn't arouse me at all. I've thought for a very long time that I must be broken but I've learned that I'm not. It's just how I function as a human being, having a healthy libido, just no sexual attraction to others.
I had mistakenly thought that since I did not desire my female parts and wanted them removed, that I must be a male. After four years on Testosterone, I experienced dysphoria for
passing as a male. I realized that when I desired to remove my female genitals, it meant that I desired to be sexless - a body with neither male or female secondary sexual characteristics. I identify as genderless or agender and desire a close as possible sexless body through transitioning. I am going the FTM transition route but I am finding that it is possible to tailor the surgeries to meet my desired outcome.
My situation is a result of being stuck in a binary thinking (that only male & female exists) and taking the male identity, actually convincing myself that it is who I am because let's face it, I believed being anything other than a woman would be better than suffering misery for the rest of my life. It was a life or death situation at that moment in my life. The male identity has helped pave the way for me to realize my identity as a genderless person so I believe if I hadn't latched onto the male identity and began transitioning, I probably would have never come to realize that I am genderless/sexless.
You are not alone. It is important to get a clear grasp on your identity before making any potentially life-changing decisions. I highly recommend seeing a gender therapist if you are not already, they can be extremely helpful in clearing up confusion and helping you get to the core of your identity. Keep an open mind and don't feel the need to grab any labels. If you find one label isn't working for you, don't feel ashamed to change it, don't feel like you have to stick to it in fear of being labelled indecisive. I was going to continue being FTM but thankfully, I decided to remain truthful to myself and have never been happier since. I'm neither male nor female but I am genderless with a fluid gender expression between masculine, feminine and more consistently, androgynous.
I echo Taka's response about visiting the Unicorn Forest.
